underpants Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 So my Mom died. I am very sad about this. We have had some time, but it still hurts. This will continue to hurt for some time. I wrote the obit and it was powerful and a release. Seems like all her friends loved it. I also coordinated with the pastor and created the order of service. Asked my sisters to have a delayed (b/c of covid and mom's friends age to delay a service). Mom was cremated. There is one particular county in my state that was my only wish to not have her honored in. This is the county they have chosen. I recall saying anywhere but here. I have conflict with going to this place. Everything is ordered and the schedule is set; My husband is against this (for excellent reasons), as I warned my sisters, so do I just not attend? It will be held against me either way. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Tough one. How many siblings are in your family? Are you the only one who felt this way? Did the others feel strongly for or against any other locations? Why was this one chosen? I'm so sorry for your loss :(. Losing a parent is very, very hard :(. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 I'm sorry for your loss. Go to your mother's service. Whatever happened to you in the past in that county is the past. You have to go there for a finite amount of time to honor your mother. You will regret forever if you skip that part of a healing closing ritual. If you really resent the rest of your family for picking this county, stop interacting with them after the funeral services are over. My father died during (but not because of) a hurricane. The scramble to get his services organized was stressful & it was at some other church that has nothing to do with our family. It was all "off" but we soldiered on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) I didn't go to my dad's funeral, I was overseas and dealing with stuff here. But I made no criticism of the family arrangements although they followed none of my father's written wishes ( all his wife's idea, and very long and stressful for my brother and sister ) A few months later his wife became very bitter and cut us all off, not surprising since she'd done that with her own son and family previously, so I'm glad she had the memory of the service she wanted and we had been supportive- which is what my dad would have encouraged- to comfort her now. I'm sure she has little else with her attitude. Edited October 17, 2020 by Ellener spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Sorry for your loss @underpants Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 AThank you, I wrote the obituary, I was there for funeral arrangements, visited many unmasked venues and got increasingly angry. I do not want to put anyone in danger. It upsets me that a very racist county will get money, flaunt heath concerns, it makes me sick. I will do my part, but walk away. My husband will not attend. 's Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 and proudly stupid county Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted October 18, 2020 Author Share Posted October 18, 2020 12 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I'm sorry for your loss. Go to your mother's service. Whatever happened to you in the past in that county is the past. You have to go there for a finite amount of time to honor your mother. You will regret forever if you skip that part of a healing closing ritual. If you really resent the rest of your family for picking this county, stop interacting with them after the funeral services are over. My father died during (but not because of) a hurricane. The scramble to get his services organized was stressful & it was at some other church that has nothing to do with our family. It was all "off" but we soldiered on. I will, but the authority in this county tried to deport my husband. So I should play nice? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 1 hour ago, underpants said: I will, but the authority in this county tried to deport my husband. So I should play nice? Sounds like way too complicated issue for anyone here to be able to give sound advice, given the very limited details we know.... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 11 hours ago, underpants said: I will, but the authority in this county tried to deport my husband. So I should play nice? The authority isn't having the funeral. Since your husband wasn't deported, presumably he won the right to stay so it should be a non-issue at this point. Immigration is a federal issue; local county government only follows order from on high so I don't understand your ire at the county government. You don't have to "play nice" with any public officials. Wear your PPE, keep social distance, go through whatever your family's burial rituals are & go home. It's about your mom not anybody's immigration policy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 13 hours ago, underpants said: I will, but the authority in this county tried to deport my husband. So I should play nice? You could give donations to a charity bigots don't like? But I would de-politicise a funeral myself, people will end up speaking in anger and hurt and it acheives nothing. Totally understand your husband staying away though. And your annoyance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 I went alone. My husband was crying, he wanted to go. However, we know the danger of small county bigotry, corruption. It is systemic and a culture problem. I do not share my mom's optimism that this can be corrected. I hope you can prove me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author underpants Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 13 hours ago, d0nnivain said: The authority isn't having the funeral. Since your husband wasn't deported, presumably he won the right to stay so it should be a non-issue at this point. Immigration is a federal issue; local county government only follows order from on high so I don't understand your ire at the county government. You don't have to "play nice" with any public officials. Wear your PPE, keep social distance, go through whatever your family's burial rituals are & go home. It's about your mom not anybody's immigration policy. Yes, he won the right to stay, cancel of removal. These racist small counties have no respect for this federal court order, or the rule of law. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 That's frightening to hear that they think they can disregard federal law. In his shoes I'd carry that court order around with me. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Cherish him. Again I'm sorry about your mom's death. You went -- brava! Now put all the racists behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
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