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Honestly think I'm being gaslighted to.


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Feel like I’m being lied to compulsively. I’m going crazy, please shine some light

Badly need advice on this guy - no friends to talk to :(


Sorry it’s long

We broke up. He wanted nothing to do with me for 2 months until a random text saying can we talk? I thought it was weird since the day before, his sister and her bf called me to tell me that she had some news to tell me since it was bugging her and she needed to confess. Turns out, my bf used to take advantage of her and force her to do stuff. I called him out on it after he had texted me. He went crazy trying to call me and it wasn’t true. Said she was forced to say that by the bf. That she does this for attention. Desperately wanted me back and sadly, I gave in. I look back now and I feel like he just wanted me back to convince me he wasn’t a monster.
When I started believing him (feel like it was manipulation now), he started not trying so hard in our relationship again like back to before our breakup. He’s been shifty since then.

The biggest 4 recently this month was that he lied when we got back together (after 2 months of a break up) that he didn’t sleep with anyone when I said I did at the end of the 2 months. Said he couldn’t go through with any hangouts and he was too upset getting over me. He always used it against me when I was paranoid with his behaviour and sudden changes. Been together for 6 years so you notice the behaviour. I found it was very weird how he was in this town we visited by my hometown. I noticed on his google maps he had gone to that town during our break up and that same intersection we turned at in this town. Called him out on it and he lied trying to hide it saying some girl gave him this address, but he didn’t go. He legit said I was being paranoid. That I was the one who actually slept with a guy! Line keeps always using it as bate. Recognized a girl on his snap from this town. Asked her and I was right! He had visited her and slept with her. He made me seem like a huge slut for 6 months using how I did on our break up against me when he did the same the first week of our break. Then, was angry all day at me for finding the truth. What passes me off is that he made me feel like a huge slut for 6 MONTHS for sleeping with a guy and used it in arguments that I was paranoid about his behaviour since I was the one that could easily do that. It’s almost like he wanted the upper hand of having something against me since his sister confessed to him abusing her and I was still on the fence of who to believe, and looked at him different because of the behaviour adding up. 


2: A day before I gave in and talked to him , I saw a message from a melissa saying her name, and that they need to hang out (guessing he just met her that day). He said he met her behind his work site (lady that lives in house behind) and he needed a lighter so he went to her and he wanted someone to talk to since he was angry. I messaged that girl off another number and asked if it was melissa. She said yes. I then messaged her off my number and asked about the situation, why she was messaging my bf. She then messaged me off another number and said I texted her husbands number. I call bulls***, I just let it go since her texts make it seem like she’s innocent and she’s married and a mom. Was shady like she was hiding something. It’s suspicious as he said the same thing about “not going through with it” like the other girl he lied about not going to that town”. During those weeks around that time, he was accusing me of cheating with his roommate when he got home. Was off. Said it was because I slept with a guy and he has a reason now to be paranoid about me.


3: 2 Nights he’d come home at 8:30 (normally does at 5-6) he would bring me flowers. Never! I mean never buys me flowers. Then would go into such detail about why it took him so long to get home, but would be in a good mood. Sometimes km on car not adding up. One night I caught him a lie since he said he ran out of gas, that’s why he was late. Then, he played off that he was mad and didn’t want to come home yet. Still the story doesn’t add up since he would have way more kms on his car. 

4: I set alarms for him since he leaves his phone at work (uses it for work/no phone plan on it since he has to pay his bill). I set alarms at 6-6:40 with 10 min gaps. I have been waking up after 6:40 and he tells me that my alarms didn’t go off? I swear I’m going insane as when I sleep sometimes during day, my alarms go off FINE! What worries me is that I’ve had suspicions of him waking up in middle of night as I wake up almost every hour in my sleeps for awhile now when I’m not like me to do that. Almost like he turns off my alarms (you can without unlocking my phone) since it shows on screen time my clock was used for a min or less during that time. 


5. Doesn’t bring his phone home some days. Notice history is YouTube, Spotify and google chrome and he says he can’t explain it when he does. He’s supposed to be at work when it shows all this screentime 


6. One time, his best friends girl he was seeing, was upset at his best friend and my walked down stairs where we both were below it. Staring at her, checking her out walking down(didn’t even look at me and I was standing beside her). Then, she purposely bumped into him walking up and touched her hand with his. Look down and his fingers were moving, almost like he did it back. She did it again to him the following time she came over. Flirty said, sorry and smiled. She knocked the ping pong ball out of his hand. He says sorry looking up at her all sweet, reaching for the ball off the ground. THEN has the nerve to reply back to her to give her a throw at the game right away when she asks to play. It’s disgusting to watch! Any women can get his attention 

I’m going insane with all this. I can’t trust him. Says I need to start trusting him and all this “paranoia” will go away. But how can you gain trust if you’re still constantly being lied to?

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Never go back to an ex after breaking up.

Why are you still together? Your relationship is a complete mess and there is no trust at all.

You have the power to end things and have a better future, what are you waiting for?

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25 minutes ago, jessgirl23 said:

Yes we are living together.

Move out. It's not working. Why are you living together if there are so many wild accusations and major problems for so long?

Are you working? Are you financially dependant?

You are not married so just pack up and leave.

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19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Move out. It's not working. Why are you living together if there are so many wild accusations and major problems for so long?

Are you working? Are you financially dependant?

You are not married so just pack up and leave.

Have been financially dependant on him until Monday when I start my job. I would only pitch 300 a month for a couple months until I found this job. The difference of what rent was once I moved in. Went from 900 to 1200. Think that’s what’s been holding me back. Also, that he’s my first relationship. 6 years. Started dating when I was almost 20. Think I’m going to not find anyone sadly. Also, that he makes me feel like IM the problem, that I need help so it prevents me from leaving as well.

Edited by jessgirl23
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16 minutes ago, jessgirl23 said:

Have been financially dependant on him  . Started dating when I was almost 20. 

Move out. Move back home, or get roommates. Maintain steady employment. Stop playing house.

Your reasons for staying are awful. Fear of not finding a replacement and financial dependence.

Obviously while playing house with him, you won't find anyone else.

It's pointless to accuse him of all this stuff if you are not interested in moving out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You need to reset. All this drama is polluting your mind and influencing you in a negative way towards any future relationships.

Sweep this off the table and concentrate on your interests in life for a few months. Don't date or seek out a new relationship. You need to purge yourself.

When you are indifferent to whether you have an SO or not then open yourself to new contacts but try to avoid the liars and cheats.

It's a tough call. They can be so persuasive.

Look at what they do and only half listen to what they say.

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5 hours ago, jessgirl23 said:

I’m going insane with all this. I can’t trust him. Says I need to start trusting him and all this “paranoia” will go away. But how can you gain trust if you’re still constantly being lied to?

The same way you can prevent your bare hand from getting burnt when you stick it in a fire - oh wait, you can't. 

You can't build trust with someone like him, nor should you even try. You have been with him so long that it's completely warped your vision and led you stay when you should have kicked his sorry butt to the curb ages ago. 

This isn't love, jess. 

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You are the problem in the sense that you are doing this to yourself by staying with a guy like this  You need to stand up for yourself.  You are being lied to & verbally abused.  He should not call you a slut.  You were free to do whatever while you & him were broken up.  

Where did you go for the 2 months you were apart ? Go back there.  Can you move back in with your parents?  

Just because he was your 1st relationship, doesn't mean he's your last.  

After you shed him from your life work on building some friendships in your life  This happened in part because you have become so isolated you didn't have anybody to validate how messed up things are 

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Such great advice from everyone to you OP. Are you paying attention? 

Whether or not he's gaslighting you (he very well could be) is not the core issue here. The core issue is: why did you attach yourself to this guy 6 years ago? To escape living at home? 

I agree with everyone else. You are perpetuating the problems with your boyfriend by staying with him. He will not change and you can't make him change. 

Now that you have a full-time job you have the financial means to break your part of the lease and move in with roommates. At 26 years old, you have chained yourself to a cheater who gaslights you. And he's brainwashed you into to believing that you can't find a man better than him. Well, as long as you live with him and invest your time and energy towards him, no, you won't find a more mentally healthy guy who isn't cheating on you, to be in a relationship with. 

Do not tell your boyfriend of your plans to move out. Since you get paid every 2 weeks, give yourself 6 weeks to save up a rent deposit and first month's rent for an all-female roommate situation; live with 2-3 other 20-something girls like yourself who rent a house or large 2-3 bedroom apartment. Then, set aside money or get the money to pay your landlord your break lease fee. Then, after have moved into your new place, you can tell your boyfriend that it's over and you are moving on. But do not have this conversation with him while you live with him. Or will he likely not let you leave. 

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I wouldn't give him one red penny, and use that money to move my stuff somewhere else. Get a plan in place and execute.

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18 hours ago, jessgirl23 said:

Also, that he makes me feel like IM the problem, that I need help so it prevents me from leaving as well.

Umm, no.  He can't prevent you from leaving.  You just leave.

This relationship is toxic, dysfunctional and a complete mess.  It's clear what you need to do.  Get out of this situation and do not associate with this guy again.

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On 10/17/2020 at 5:33 AM, jessgirl23 said:

Have been financially dependant on him until Monday when I start my job. I would only pitch 300 a month for a couple months until I found this job. The difference of what rent was once I moved in. Went from 900 to 1200. Think that’s what’s been holding me back. Also, that he’s my first relationship.

When you look in the mirror, do you like the version of you who is looking back at you?

Never, EVER be at the mercy of any man for a place to lay your head at night. Call your parents/family and tell them what's going on with this freak who'd compromise his own sister and move back home. He isn't right in the head and you're not obliged to stick around... and your reasons for doing so are lame a.f.  And of course he'd deny it to you--the guilty make the most noise.

On 10/17/2020 at 5:33 AM, jessgirl23 said:

Started dating when I was almost 20. Think I’m going to not find anyone sadly.

Stop lying to yourself. Staying with him is not the answer, either.  You're squandering your youth behind his imbecile--and that doesn't replenish.

Pull up your big girl pants and move out.

Edited by kendahke
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