Struggling to move past an ex getting back in touch

[PicklesPeanut]

I've been happily married for the last 5 years. Before meeting my husband, I had an intense relationship where I was in love with the person. He dumped me one day completely out of the blue. I eventually got over it and met my husband who is a thousand times better in every way.

During lockdown, this ex sent me a long email one night. Saying ''I still can't believe I did it'', in reference to ending our relationship. He did struggle with depression while we were together, I helped him with it and it did sort of feel at the time like he just freaked out and everything was too much and he couldn't cope with a relationship.

I almost didn't reply to the email, but I did. We exchanged pleasantries/news writing once a day for about 4 weeks. During this time he told me that he ''trusts me blindly'' and ''feels better that there are people like me in the world''. I basically told him ''that's nice, dear, but I don't trust you''. I then told him I didn't want to talk anymore, that I felt it was being disloyal to my husband, that there's no bloody point to any of it and I want to move on with my life. He said ''I'm not going to pretend I won't take this hard but there's nothing I can do''.

I wrote a list of pros and cons about this person. There were about 50 cons and no pros. I don't like his character, I don't fancy him anymore to the point where I wonder ''what was I ever thinking?''. I don't want him as a friend, the thought of never seeing him or talking to him ever again makes me feel freeeeee and good.

The problem is, I can't get all this out of my mind now. The obvious advice, and the advice I've given to myself is to keep busy and it will wear off. But it's actually getting worse as time goes on! I'm having dreams about it almost every night. Dreams that are combined with sex and me basically tell him to piss off and leave me alone. All talking to him again achieved was making me feel even more grateful for my husband.

I asked this ex in one of our last ever messages why he got back in touch. I said ''Is it just because of Covid that if you feel like we all die tomorrow you needed to apologize for the insanely cruel way you dumped me, or is it because the relationship meant more to you than I tend to think?''. He replied ''the latter''. This was five years ago, I'm surprised that he's still holding on to all this.

Please can anyone give me any advice on how to get past thinking about all this cr@p? I honestly don't want him back. I am prone to obsessive compulsive thinking and have been treated for anxiety and depression in the past so maybe that has something to do with it?

What was he trying to achieve?  😕 Just to apologize and get an ego boost of someone being nice to him?

Edited October 17, 2020 by PicklesPeanut
Typo

[d0nnivain]

He's not trying to achieve anything.  In Covid he's bored. 

Your marriage isn't worth him.  Block & move along or kiss your husband good bye.  It really is that simple. 

[PicklesPeanut]

I already did block. The thought of giving up my husband for him is crazy, my husband is worth 10,000 of him. 

I was just trying to process his intention so I can try to put it all behind me. I agree with you.

[Mystery4u]

29 minutes ago, PicklesPeanut said:

snip

Every day for 4 weeks? Why? It should have been one simple message - 'thank you for your email but I have a husband. Wish you all the best' and never reply again.

Anyway moving forward, only you have the power to stop yourself from thinking about it. Block/delete etc and never contact him or respond again.

[Ruby Slippers]

Something is off within you. It has nothing to do with this guy. Perhaps you're a little bored and looking for distraction? Throw yourself into healthier hobbies.

[PicklesPeanut]

The 'something is off' is probably OCD which I did mention. I try really hard to overcome it but it's not easy.

When I knew this guy he was like poison in my life. 5 years down the line, he knew I was married and here he is again - poison.

Anyway, thanks for the inputs. I'll be alright. 

Edited October 17, 2020 by PicklesPeanut
Added a bit.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, PicklesPeanut said:

During lockdown, this ex sent me a long email one night. Saying ''I still can't believe I did it'', in reference to ending our relationship.

 We exchanged pleasantries/news writing once a day for about 4 weeks.

Simple. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps, email, social media, etc.

You need to shut this down 100%. Reflect on why his attention was so appealing to you.

Usually the only reason an ex gets back in touch is because they just got dumped, backtrack through the black book and looking for ego boosts and who's still available. It's that simple.

[PicklesPeanut]

I already did block and did shut it down, you clearly didn't read the OP and my following post. 

Plus how am I still available if he knows I'm married.

I was just trying to get some further insight to untangle it and move on, that's all. Anyway. Like I said - nevermind, thanks, I'll be OK. 

 

 

Edited October 17, 2020 by PicklesPeanut

[d0nnivain]

I think people are concerned because you did communicate with this poisonous man for 4 weeks knowing it could put your marriage in jeopardy.   Even though you did the right thing & you eventually blocked him the fact that you are obsessing enough to post is worrisome. 

You will be already but you have to find that off switch in your brain & just forget about him  

[FMW]

If you have OCD (I didn't see it mentioned anywhere except in your response to RubySlippers), then you probably have experience with various methods of getting out of those circular and never-ending loops of thought.  Even if you haven't had to use them before for something like this, the basics would still hold true.  

I don't have that issue myself, but I'm very close with someone who does.  It's hard for others to empathize, but I've heard and seen enough of what this person goes through to realize it's something very difficult to overcome and you can't just snap out of it.  If no one on this board has experience, it might be helpful to seek out information on dealing with OCD as far as relationships go, maybe even other forums dedicated to this kind of thing.  

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, PicklesPeanut said:

The problem is, I can't get all this out of my mind now. The obvious advice, and the advice I've given to myself is to keep busy and it will wear off. But it's actually getting worse as time goes on! I'm having dreams about it almost every night. Dreams that are combined with sex and me basically tell him to piss off and leave me alone. All talking to him again achieved was making me feel even more grateful for my husband.

I asked this ex in one of our last ever messages why he got back in touch. I said ''Is it just because of Covid that if you feel like we all die tomorrow you needed to apologize for the insanely cruel way you dumped me, or is it because the relationship meant more to you than I tend to think?''. He replied ''the latter''. This was five years ago, I'm surprised that he's still holding on to all this.

Please can anyone give me any advice on how to get past thinking about all this cr@p? I honestly don't want him back. I am prone to obsessive compulsive thinking and have been treated for anxiety and depression in the past so maybe that has something to do with it?

What was he trying to achieve?  😕 Just to apologize and get an ego boost of someone being nice to him?

Sounds to me like he's a selfish person who basically wanted a taste of the ego boost he enjoyed when you used to make him the center of your life. He didn't care about what impact that might have on you (raking up all the terrible memories and the sense of powerlessness). He didn't care that it might, at some level, affect your dynamic with your husband. 

I think seeking professional help is the way to go. You seem to have some unresolved feelings (anger, etc.) that you need to deal with.

Edited October 17, 2020 by Acacia98

[PicklesPeanut]

Thank you to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it; it helps me to feel less alone. Even the replies that made me feel bad but I can take it on the chin! 🙂

A lot of it is struggling with OCD. It's Pure 'O' which is based around thoughts rather than the more commonly-known repeated rituals. Also the nature of the way he finished the relationship - he pulled the rug out from under me like a complete psycho and we never talked again from that moment on. So yes, unresolved feelings is right. But not any good feelings for him. Just unresolved, WTF was all that about?! But it was very much in the background and I hardly ever thought about it until he reappeared.

Powerless is exactly right. I didn't think of it that way and it bought back bad memories. He's a poor quality human and he knows it. The 4 weeks I spent talking to him was not to rekindle anything, truly. I was trying to gain insight and make sense of it; sort of using him for a process I was trying to work through. As soon as he started getting all cozy and complimentary I got quite cold with him for the first time ever.

It's sad/depressing how you can think the world of someone and then it comes down to this, but that's life, I guess.

Anyway, balls to it. I will work my hardest on finding and pressing that 'off switch'. I did it once before, I can do it again.

Thanks again. 💐 

 

Edited October 17, 2020 by PicklesPeanut
Typo and added a bit

[Dork Vader]

3 hours ago, PicklesPeanut said:

Thank you to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it; it helps me to feel less alone. Even the replies that made me feel bad but I can take it on the chin! 🙂

A lot of it is struggling with OCD. It's Pure 'O' which is based around thoughts rather than the more commonly-known repeated rituals. Also the nature of the way he finished the relationship - he pulled the rug out from under me like a complete psycho and we never talked again from that moment on. So yes, unresolved feelings is right. But not any good feelings for him. Just unresolved, WTF was all that about?! But it was very much in the background and I hardly ever thought about it until he reappeared.

Powerless is exactly right. I didn't think of it that way and it bought back bad memories. He's a poor quality human and he knows it. The 4 weeks I spent talking to him was not to rekindle anything, truly. I was trying to gain insight and make sense of it; sort of using him for a process I was trying to work through. As soon as he started getting all cozy and complimentary I got quite cold with him for the first time ever.

It's sad/depressing how you can think the world of someone and then it comes down to this, but that's life, I guess.

Anyway, balls to it. I will work my hardest on finding and pressing that 'off switch'. I did it once before, I can do it again.

Thanks again. 💐 

 

This is text book OCD behavior. I'm OCD so I completely understand everything. I'm curious are have you been formally diagnosed as OCD? Are you in any type of treatment?

The obsessions can be very difficult to move forward from and it can take time. My understand of OCD is that we tend to form obsessive, intrusive and repetitive thoughts that give us anxiety. We then form compulsive behaviors or thoughts in an attempt to alleviate the anxiety. It all spirals out of control when we start to obsess on the fact that we are obsessing on something. Do you have the OCD work book? If not I'd highly recommend it, it can give you some tools to help you deal with it. It will also help you better understand what OCD is, how to identify things and what to do.

So here are some things that I have found work for me.
1. is identify the triggers and try to eliminate them if possible.
2. When the thoughts pop up. Tell yourself stop. Somethings you can do put on some relaxing music (elevator music with no lyrics work best for me). Close your eyes and imagine a relaxing place. Some place that's just you. I personally opt for an deserted island in the Caribbean at night. Picture the beach, palm trees, sound of the ocean crashing on the beach and so on.. Let my mind run wild imagining the place. As you're doing this relax your muscles, leave a small gap between your teeth so your not clenching them, possibly raise the front of your tongue slightly to the roof of your mouth.. If you do it right you'll feel your facial muscles relax. Breath in through your nose and out your mouth.
3. Ask yourself is there any validity and rationale to the thoughts you're having? The hard part here is being honest with yourself and really hammering home that there is no rational or validity to the thoughts.
4. Exercise can help a ton, 30 minute walks and staying away from uppers like caffeine. 
5. Absolutely stay away from the "what if" thought processes. Those are by far the worst place you can go.. "What if I'm a bad wife" "What if I cheat?" "what if my husband finds out?".  

Medication can be absolutely life changing, it was for me. I have found that Clomipramine is highly effective. How ever it does have some side effects. If you opt to give clomipramine a try, read about the side effects. It will likely cause severe constipation for about a week or two and extremely painful stools when you do go. That can be prevented by taking Miralax once a day for about a week or two. Once you've been on it for a week or two you won't need the Miralax. Prunes and high fiber diet can help with that as well.

The other medication I have found that's effective and has fewer side effects is Desvenlafaxine. How ever this one can be fairly expensive even with insurance.

I would stay away from benzodiazepines. You'll feel fine while they are active but when they wear off your anxiety and obsessive thoughts will spike. It basically leads to low lows and even higher highs with the anxiety. I'd also stay away from using alcohol as means to deal with the anxiety, I did that for years and it eventually lead to a 32 day stint of inpatient rehab.

These type of thoughts are all normal but the key difference with OCD people is that we obsess on them and let the obsessions run wild.

[Ruby Slippers]

Try meditation. Even 5-10 minutes occasionally can work wonders at calming the mind. You don't have to do it perfectly. There are lots of simple instructions online for how to do it. 

Emotional resolution comes from within. Nobody knows why he behaved so coldly, and it doesn't really matter. You're happily married now, which is quite a blessing, so I'd celebrate that. 

[PicklesPeanut]

Thanks again, you guys are the best. 

The OCD is an ongoing struggle but creating this thread helped me more than I expected - I feel quite a lot better today. It seems I am starting to separate things out, it's not such a fog. The OCD is not helped by this weird year but we're all in the same boat there. The OCD is one thing but then the other side of me tends to deal with things quite healthily; I will feel things very intensely for a short space of time and feel absolutely horrendous and then get over it. Not sure what that says about me! Even as a small kid if I got very upset I would go ballistic for a couple of minutes and then I would be completely over it and just move on. My parents and brothers used to think it hilarious/cute. But anyway it seems to be something that helps me get through life.

Dork Vader - thank you so much for the detailed response, I identified with all you said and massively appreciated the reminders too. Ruby Slippers - you're absolutely right about the meditation, thanks for the reminder too. 🤗

 

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by PicklesPeanut
Typo

[Mrin]

You like the attention. Even if you personally don't like his attention your brain sure does. Okay let's dive into some brain chemistry. You had a relationship with this guy and it formed a pretty complex neural network in your brain. Then all of a sudden he breaks up with you out of the blue and that neural network shuts down. Oh it's still there all wired up. But there is nothing but the trauma of your sudden breakup to make all the neurosynaptic connections fire. And it's sat there more or less unused for five years. One day your ex emailed you and it lit up like a Christmas tree. And you kept lighting it up over and over with your continuing email conversations. now you are trying to shut it back down and it really doesn't want to be shut down. It wants to be lit back up again. In some ways it operates sort of like an addiction. And to make matters worse - this time you are the one that is shutting it down and that's a choice by you rather than a ramification of a choice made by him. 

The only two things you can do are 1) stop letting it light up by talking to him and 2) and distract your brain by doing something novel. Something new. A new experience a new hobby a new something... Our brains are created to learn new things and if you focus in on exposing yourself to new things it will lessen the "craving" of the part of your brain that is wired for your ex. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[PicklesPeanut]

^ It's funny you said that as I'd just been out tending to my plants and was thinking much the same thing. Although truly it was more about trying to process unfinished business than just liking attention, I need peace in my life these days! You nailed it on the 'lit up like a Christmas tree'. Ah, isn't being human bloody ridiculous sometimes when you get to think about it? I did stop talking to him and blocked him weeks ago. Thinking about the whole event dispassionately helps massively. 

I'm on it with the hobbies. Thanks for your input. 🙂

 

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by PicklesPeanut
Typo

[Dork Vader]

On 10/18/2020 at 9:21 AM, PicklesPeanut said:

Thanks again, you guys are the best. 

The OCD is an ongoing struggle but creating this thread helped me more than I expected - I feel quite a lot better today. It seems I am starting to separate things out, it's not such a fog. The OCD is not helped by this weird year but we're all in the same boat there. The OCD is one thing but then the other side of me tends to deal with things quite healthily; I will feel things very intensely for a short space of time and feel absolutely horrendous and then get over it. Not sure what that says about me! Even as a small kid if I got very upset I would go ballistic for a couple of minutes and then I would be completely over it and just move on. My parents and brothers used to think it hilarious/cute. But anyway it seems to be something that helps me get through life.

Dork Vader - thank you so much for the detailed response, I identified with all you said and massively appreciated the reminders too. Ruby Slippers - you're absolutely right about the meditation, thanks for the reminder too. 🤗

 

 

If you ever have questions about OCD feel free to ask. I'm really open about it and sometimes being able to talk to someone else who's OCD helps. 

I've been active with treatment since I was 18 and seen the same therapist since then. I've tried just about all treatment forms as well.

One that I did not mention that might help is something called neuro feedback. Basically they put I think 3-4 electrodes on your scalp. It tracks your brain activity and helps you practice dealing with the anxiety. The benefit of it, you get real time results so you start to discover what's successful and works for you and what won't. 

OCD can be a real pain, especially when the intrusive thoughts are there. But just know, you're not a bad wife, you're not going to cheat or anything like that. That is your OCD mind running wild and there is 0 validity to it. 

The other big question I ask myself when I have anxiety. What can I do about it right now? For example, if its the weekend and I'm obsessing over money. Well there is nothing I can do about it on the weekend, so why waste time and energy on it? I also remind myself, I have done everything I can do and done the best I can. I have to be satisfied with the effort I put in and the knowledge that I did everything I could have. The key here is to make sure you're not letting compulsive behavior happen or be viewed as doing everything you can.

I used to have to check my front door 6 times to make sure it was locked. It was rooted in the fear that my dog who I love dearly would get out and hurt. I knew that checking the door repeatedly was a compulsion to alleviate the anxiety and fear of something happening to my dog.  I also knew the only way I could end that compulsion was to force myself to not check the door. That I had to force myself to just go to work or the store. I would have anxiety for a bit, but I'd eventually completely forget about the door. Now I don't have to check the door 6 times to leave my home.

Some of what I suggested might not seem like it works especially at first. It might seem stupid and you might try and talk yourself out of it. But the key is to keep trying until you find something that does work for you.

Do you have a therapist? If not it might be worth while to see one. They can help you identify and differentiate what is OCD behavior and what is not. They'll also tell you how to deal with it. 

[Fletch Lives]

Only time will get you over it.

Why don't you block this crazy guy?