Letter to next girlfriend, this life or the next

[MusiciaNTechEternal]

I don't know if this might be of any use to any guys out there (if you switch the gender I'm sure there are a lot of women who might find someone they could direct to this), but I am burning up to say it. The recent ex-girlfriend to whom this was written would never be able to read it. Though I am in my early 60's, I am in better shape now than I was in my 30's and have tons of "love potential" left, and the free time and money coming up to have a good time with it. Maybe there's a lady out there who might be able to sympathize. I would hope the below might help someone avoid unnecessary mistakes. Frankly I can't take another breakup. Being alone is easier.

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To my possible next girlfriend/wife:

You would like to know me in advance, to know whether I’m a good bet for a long-term partnership and everything you’d like to expect in the way of affection, support, resiliency, security, etc. I understand. I would like to know the same about you. Perhaps these words to my last girlfriend would give you a window into me, and learn what I might be taking the chance to hope I would get from you.

To my last girlfriend with whom things “didn’t work out”:

We are both alone again, after over three years of trying to manage with each other. How did we get here, when we both were hoping it would be “the very last one”? I never raised a hand against you, I don’t do physical violence, least of all against women. I am a soft-spoken and peaceable artist/tech guy who likes foreign movies; reads Victorian novels; plays a few different instruments; oil painter; makes a 2-3x median income doing I.T. for almost 30 years; doesn’t drink to speak of; non-smoker; hasn’t had even a minor car wreck in near 40 years; doesn’t eat trash/fast food (I cook my own stuff); is a clean freak; love to travel; 6'0" and trim, IQ around 140...  All these traits were plain within the first month of meeting each other. And by the end of that month, I knew we were going to have a rough time. Because from that first month it was a constant challenge to get you to stop doing the sort of things you apparently felt compelled to do, had a right to do, or something. On any given day, my balance and tranquility would be blind-sided with accusatory/judgmental comments grown out of pure fantasy from your constantly suspicious mind. Fair game areas were:

“Another woman” - any woman that happened to cross my sight path In a parking lot, a supermarket, crossing a crosswalk while waiting at a light, saying simply goodbye to the bartendress/hostess, or my ex-wife...you name it, all were enough to make me a target of suspicion, even if I plainly made no “come on” to them, just speaking to them at all was enough. The fact that I was with you every day, talking to no other women on the phone, not taking off for any “mystery meetings”, spending money on you, always showing up when I said I would, openly grateful to not have to be “out in the cold” anymore...none of these were enough. I had “another woman on my mind”, no fail.

“Not friendly enough” -
You didn’t say hi friendly enough so you must not like me anymore.
You didn’t get up and give me a hug when I walked in the door, so I know you must be mad at me.
You only kissed me once so far today, so you must be thinking about leaving me.
I never know if you really like me.

....and so on, with many variations, all of which I have to defend myself from, and which you seem to want to waste the precious minutes of your life arguing about, and my precious minutes making me prove myself to the point of exhaustion. To be repeated all over again the day after tomorrow. As well, you seem to make a game out of restarting arguments that have already been supposedly resolved, like a hydra that keeps growing heads no matter how many you cut off.

In fact, just about anything I could do or say was fair game for a “misread” of my intentions, you dubbing in my intentions for me, then throwing them back in my face. If my bedroom door (when I was sleeping apart from you after a fight for a couple days) slammed from the wind, it was a “hostile act” on my part. And when I would point out the need for you to take responsibility for the sort of fire-starting things you said, and your high-volume negative emotions that poisoned the air so regularly, it was never your fault, it was always somehow my fault. [Flaws of mine I will concede: overly sensitive (maybe) to loud/shocking noise; a pretty narrow limit of musical/media tastes (I refuse to live life on an electronic screen, I didn't grow up with it and don't need it); a little more indifferent to delivering affection than most women seem to want/need but not inconsiderate (there's a big difference); always flying around the house to take care of this or that, makes some people nervous; can't stand dishes in the sink for long...so there].

And so I got used putting my guard up and becoming something of what you accused me of, careful, formal, not loose and relaxed with my friendliness and affection anymore. Because whenever I recovered from one of these accusatory fantastic assaults and got lovey and easy-friendly with you again, in hopes of being able to say and do what was natural to me (and what was attractive about me in first place, I assume), I was repaid with another “blind siding” as per above. I would challenge you over and over to tell me, please, what it was that I was doing or did that made me deserve such treatment. And you never had an answer that would stand up. It was all fantasy inventions of “bad intentions” I supposedly had, which were ridiculous to hear.

And yet, whenever I reached exasperation over these lunatic assaults on my innocent actions and comments, and begged to end the thing pointing out our obvious incompatibility, you flew into tears and begging that it was right, we needed to continue, don’t leave me alone, etc, etc. And I would relent, again, and give you the benefit of the doubt. Because I didn’t want you to be alone again.

Like a broken record this pattern carried on for over three years, with a new blowup/breakdown almost on the clock every two weeks, until I had finally had enough of being made a fool of. I’d spent hundreds of dollars helping you redecorate your house, put in sweat and time of my own, paid for day trips, dinners out, bought you jewelry and clothes and expensive furniture, Christmas and birthday presents, and so on. And yet nothing ever made you content or happy for long.

All you had to do was be content with what I did for you, honor my simple wishes not to have anger and suspicion and a raised voice leveled at me, and look and listen to what was actually truly in front of you, and not what you overlaid on life with your own out-of-control imagination and insecurity. It was uncanny to me how, being so desperate to find another guy and not be alone, once you had one, you spent endless hours worrying about him going away, and sabotaging the situation to be sure he did just that. I told you from the first that I had made it a religion with me for decades that a good relationship could happen without fighting; that things can be talked out calmly, if we had matched our wavelengths well enough to go forward from the start. But the constant belief with you and earlier females that there can be no “real” relationship without regular fighting. I disagree, forever. But maybe a so-called relationship with no loud fighting is just too much to ask of this society (American/European) in this day and age.

So now we are alone again. And you will be alone, at Christmas, your birthday, Valentine’s Day...and New Year’s. And if I’m alone on those days, at least I know it was not for the want of trying to please you. What excuse can you have? Good luck my dear, I wish you well and hope you find some happiness, but at your age, the prospect is fading fast.

Your Ex

 

[MusiciaNTechEternal]

ain't it though? but I'm sure there are a lot of women out there that don't operate that way...thanks for the response

[mark clemson]

On 10/17/2020 at 11:08 AM, MusiciaNTechEternal said:

 On any given day, my balance and tranquility would be blind-sided with accusatory/judgmental comments grown out of pure fantasy from your constantly suspicious mind.

...and which you seem to want to waste the precious minutes of your life arguing about, and my precious minutes making me prove myself to the point of exhaustion.

Sounds like you accepted a severely problematic partner and didn't "Next" her once the mind games/paranoia started. Fear of being alone again? Really liked "the good side" of her? Something else? Basically by sticking around you tried to "make" something work that never was going to.

I get it, the slightly crazy ones can be alluring, esp. if they are also attractive. I think rather than forgoing another relationship you just RUN AWAY FROM the red flags IF they start to emerge. It's pretty clear you didn't and got sucked into Drama Triangle dynamics or similar. You're never too old to live and learn, and fortunately for you it appears you don't feel too old to try again. Next time consider just moving on to the next quicker. Northern California presumably has some nice women floating around, so don't deprive yourself...

[introverted1]

Yikes.  Three years of this?  Sounds disheartening, to say the least.

But...  and I say this as kindly and gently as I know how...  her faults will live on with her.  Have you had a chance to look at what you did (or didn't do) to make the situation what it was?  That's what would interest me about a new partner.