LadiiLuv Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 I know, I know... Your probably looking at my title and thinking how immature... So here's a little back story: My husband and I have been together 18 years, married for 11, we have no children together and our marriage has been on the rocks on and off for 6 years... In 2014 I discovered my husband was having an affair, at the time I was dealing with the loss of my grandmother and severe depression and anxiety. I literally did not deal with my husband's FIRST (2014) affair, he said all the right things at time. He convinced me he would change and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. Fast forward to 2018 I discovered that he had another affair that ended one year prior and was actively participating in another. We separated for a 6 months, this time we started marriage counseling and really tried to get to the bottom of what is going on in our marriage. We reconciled and moved back in together. Over the next year things were still tense I caught him in many lies and caught him chatting with women via social media. Eventually we had a very intense yet much needed discussion about us, our marriage, our individual wants and needs and was very upfront and brutally honest about our issues. Since then things have been great (so I thought), we were doing so well... I expressed to him in the past that any form of inappropriate contact and or communication is not to be tolerated and at this point I have no desire to forgive again and again and again the same toxic behavior. 4 months ago I found very suggestive messages on his phone, he has been chatting with this woman and he expressed his desire to have sex with her. Based on the response she gave I don't think anything happened HOWEVER I don't care and that was it for me. The days following I've been planning my move and by the end of the year I will be filing for a divorce and moving out of town. I made arrangements with my sister shortly following the discovery but I kept it a secret from everyone else. I recently told my mom my plans and just as I expected she feels it is a bad idea and thinks I should talk to him and try to work it out. Working it out is out of the question, I'm over talking about it. Its the same results he will deny any wrong doing then put all his attention into us for a period of time then once he feels he is out of the clear he goes back to being a serial cheater. I WANT OUT and I don't feel bad for leaving him high and dry after dealing with his constant cheating for years. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 You marriage is past due on the expiration date. Your husband is a serial cheater and I would not be surprised if the few times you have caught him were all there was to expose. There is no fixing him. He has to want to forsake all others and you know what he decided. How did you do with your six month separation? Did you find that you were OK living by yourself? If so, then go see a lawyer. Have him served when he's with his Girlfriend. Squeeze him dry. He owes you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 9 minutes ago, LadiiLuv said: our marriage has been on the rocks on and off for 6 years... In 2014 I discovered my husband was having an affair 2018 I discovered that he had another affair4 months ago I found very suggestive messages on his phone I WANT OUT and I don't feel bad for leaving him high and dry after dealing with his constant cheating for years. Excellent. Get the most ferocious wolverine attorney you can. Do not tell him, do not threaten divorce. Get your ducks in a row. Perhaps talk to a therapist about navigating the emotional aspect of divorce. Get in shape, get a new haircut, clothes, be out often. Get out of the marital rut. Only tell very trust friends and family. See an accountant, talk to your banker, check ALL your credit scores, credit cards, accounts, etc. Change your will. Put trusted family as beneficiaries on ALL accounts. Make someone else your health care proxy etc. In others words before your divorce starts or is final, make sure you quietly, confidentially start severing things. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 13 minutes ago, LadiiLuv said: she feels it is a bad idea and thinks I should talk to him and try to work it out. Sounds like you've already tried, repeatedly. Unfortunately it sounds like it's time to end it. Even though you know it's what you need to do, there will be some rough times ahead, so be prepared for the emotional upheaval that comes with this transition. But in the end you undoubtedly will be happier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadiiLuv Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Excellent. Get the most ferocious wolverine attorney you can. Do not tell him, do not threaten divorce. Get your ducks in a row. Perhaps talk to a therapist about navigating the emotional aspect of divorce. Get in shape, get a new haircut, clothes, be out often. Get out of the marital rut. Only tell very trust friends and family. See an accountant, talk to your banker, check ALL your credit scores, credit cards, accounts, etc. Change your will. Put trusted family as beneficiaries on ALL accounts. Make someone else your health care proxy etc. In others words before your divorce starts or is final, make sure you quietly, confidentially start severing things. These are the very reasons why I've decided to take a little time. We have have very little joint debt, however I an to pay it all off with his help of course. We have no property together and I plan to leave all the furniture and both cars. I wish to start over FRESH 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadiiLuv Posted October 17, 2020 Author Share Posted October 17, 2020 20 minutes ago, FMW said: Sounds like you've already tried, repeatedly. Unfortunately it sounds like it's time to end it. Even though you know it's what you need to do, there will be some rough times ahead, so be prepared for the emotional upheaval that comes with this transition. But in the end you undoubtedly will be happier. It would take a lifetime to give all r he details, but my mother has been the toxic glue holding us together. I stopped telling her about our problems because she along with other family (both sides) find my happiness to be backseat to my vows. I should have left in 2018 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Get a divorce attorney, they will walk you through everything you need to do and the order in which it needs to be done (changing certain beneficiary designations for example usually can't be done until the divorce is finalized). If you and your husband can agree to the property settlement (what happens with bank accounts, cars, household items) it will save you a lot of time and billable attorney hours, but you'll have the security of knowing everything is handled correctly and won't lead to any issues later on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 (edited) Sorry to hear your husband has been such a crappy partner. Since you've decided to leave the marriage and "that's that", definitely talk to an attorney to ensure you "do things the right way" for your jurisdiction. For example, you mention up and leaving your shared home. While I don't blame you, in some US states that can be considered "abandonment" and impact the way the home is treated in the divorce. So be careful. There is no real reason to get a shark attorney for "revenge", unless revenge is what you actually want. He will likely be distressed at the prospect of a sudden divorce and attempt to get you back. (Obviously I'm not suggesting you take him back - but like most blindside divorces it likely will be quite distressing for him.) That may be enough + dueling attorneys can get QUITE expensive. Unless you have gobs and gobs of money, getting to the negotiation table as quickly as possible, despite animosity, is often the wisest move in the grand scheme of things. My personal belief is that some attorney's find ways to get the divorcing couple even more upset with each other, so that they are more willing to "get back at the other one" via expensive communications, court motions, etc. The attorneys charge for all this, but, surprise surprise, ultimately take things to the negotiation table anyhow. They are paid more for the same end result. I believe that the common practice of having the spouse served notice at their job is one example as, depending on how it goes, it can be quite humiliating for the spouse being served. So, even with an attorney you like and trust, be a bit cautious with their suggestions - if you believe it would escalate emotions, it may not be such a good idea. If you're truly out for revenge and have gobs of money to spend executing it via the legal system, then this advice might not apply. GL... Edit: I almost forgot to mention. While is is BY NO MEANS any kind of recommendation, be aware that in some states, if you have court-admissible evidence of the affair, it's possible to sue an affair partner. This is known as alienation of affection. IF you're interested in pursuing that, you could ask your lawyer about it as well. Again, it's certainly not something I would recommend, and may be little more than a waste of time and money in many cases, but you might as well at least be aware of it in case you believe it actually would make sense in your case. Edited October 17, 2020 by mark clemson 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 You don't have to work things out. There's nothing to work out. As long as you have a lawyer & some understanding that you will have to have some interactions with him to finalize the divorce, go for it Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You don't have to work things out. There's nothing to work out. As long as you have a lawyer & some understanding that you will have to have some interactions with him to finalize the divorce, go for it It sounds like you have little to settle @LadiiLuv except the shared debt and dissolving the marriage. It's your life, not your mother's. I am the least 'legalese' person in the world and we had property and a young child but I did my own divorce, it was just filling out forms, getting him to agree and sign, and I went to the court the day the judge rubber-stamped it. If I remember right the whole thing cost about $200. I did miss a joint life insurance policy from overseas which he found later and sent me half; I don't remember why, but he let me keep my separate one there was so little in it! Some people said 'take him for all you can get' but since I had put a fair alimony provision in there ( it's not a general requirement in Texas ) and shared custody of our son, he just agreed. It was all easy and uncontested. But there wasn't anyone else in the picture to complicate things. @mark clemson is right, each state has different rules about taxes filing etc Good luck! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, LadiiLuv said: These are the very reasons why I've decided to take a little time. We have have very little joint debt, however I an to pay it all off with his help of course. We have no property together and I plan to leave all the furniture and both cars. I wish to start over FRESH 11 hours ago, LadiiLuv said: Excellent. But you still need to get legally divorced to dissolve the marriage. Do not make rash emotional decisions. Talk to a therapist to unpack and sort out some of this stuff and for guidance. You need an attorney even if you have few joint assets. You can cut some costs by being savvy and prepared. Don't waste time trying to sue his mistresses. Just get a simple divorce. Then you can legally walk away from the whole mess. Edited October 18, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 Ellener had an agreeable honest EX. She was also capable of talking with him for purposes of executing the divorce. @LadiiLuv it sounds like you can't even stand the thought of having to talk to your STBX about anything. If that is true the expense of the intermediary is well worth it. Depending on where you are, due to Covid courts aren't readily "open" to non-lawyers There is technology including filing technology not available to the public. You can't "just go down to the courthouse" and fill out a form because that office is closed in many places. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 18, 2020 Share Posted October 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Ellener had an agreeable honest EX. She was also capable of talking with him for purposes of executing the divorce. He felt bad back then because he was the one screwed things up with ureasonable behaviour. And I was being reasonable myself, I wasn't even angry, just had enough. Things became much less reasonable later when another woman was in the picture! We were both angry and unreasonable then... It's all water under the bridge now @LadiiLuv Life will go on. Link to post Share on other sites
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