My best friends plans to ask me out, but I don't think I want to say yes

[LivelyLake]

I like her a lot and she means a great deal to me; we have been flirting for the past few months (it started out as just jokes but started to develop into actual flirting) and spoken a little about the idea of dating each other. Today she admitted she wants to ask me out within the next few months but doesn’t want to rush anything which is why she hasn’t asked me out yet.

Now that I know that she plans on asking me out, it feels a little too real and I’m not sure it is actually what I want. As much as I like her, I am scared of the dynamic of our relationship changing, and I’m scared of losing her. I know we don’t want the same things for our future, we live far away and I’m not sure either of us are prepared to move, and as pretty as I think she is I don’t think I’m really attracted to her. I feel like I have been leading her on without meaning to, and I really don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to agree to a relationship I’m not 100% happy in either. What can I say to let her down easy without ruining what we already have?

Edited October 18, 2020 by MimiNamu

[LivelyLake]

Please someone help me 💔😪

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MimiNamu said:

it feels a little too real and I’m not sure it is actually what I want. As much as I like her, I am scared of the dynamic of our relationship changing, and I’m scared of losing her. I know we don’t want the same things for our future, we live far away and I’m not sure either of us are prepared to move, and as pretty as I think she is I don’t think I’m really attracted to her. I feel like I have been leading her on without meaning to

Say this to her.   Than then stop flirting.

[carhill]

2 hours ago, MimiNamu said:

As much as I like her, I am scared of the dynamic of our relationship changing, and I’m scared of losing her. I know we don’t want the same things for our future, we live far away and I’m not sure either of us are prepared to move, and as pretty as I think she is I don’t think I’m really attracted to her.

How long since last seeing each other in person?  How old are you and she?

Best friends can be open with each other. This is good experience in clear communication, something crucial to future relationships and especially legal ones like marriage. It appears you are sincerely caring about her health and state of mind. It'll work out. Be honest with her.

[ShyViolet]

When you talk to her, are you still "flirting"?  If so, you need to stop that right now.  That's leading her on.  If you're not interested in dating her, then keep your relationship completely platonic and don't act flirtatious towards her.  And the next time anything comes up regarding being more than friends, be blunt with her and tell her that you like her as a friend but nothing more than that.  Whatever you do, don't lead her on.

[Wiseman2]

Just stop stringing her along with all the flirting. You have already crossed the line.

Be more sincere if this is your " Best friend".  Why flirt with someone you have no attraction to? 

Is this a same sex friendship? Have you ever met in person?

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, MimiNamu said:

As much as I like her, I am scared of the dynamic of our relationship changing, and I’m scared of losing her. I know we don’t want the same things for our future, we live far away and I’m not sure either of us are prepared to move, and as pretty as I think she is I don’t think I’m really attracted to her. I feel like I have been leading her on without meaning to, and I really don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to agree to a relationship I’m not 100% happy in either. What can I say to let her down easy without ruining what we already have?

Mostly what you said because you have been leading her on. 

Talk to her about how much you enjoy your friendship & don't want that to change & how you don't think it's workable given the distance.  To keep the friendship she has to not ask the Q. 

Whatever you do avoid telling her you don't think she's attractive enough.  

Going forward, dial back the flirting . . . by dial back I mean stop.  Occasionally mention your OLD profile or tell her about a date you have been on with another woman.  She's not stupid.  She should interpret that as being a hard pass on her.  

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, LivelyLake said:

. What can I say to let her down easy without ruining what we already have?

Probably nothing.
After all this build up over the last few months, where you led her on, she is going to be upset, disappointed, hurt and no doubt as mad as hell when she finds out you don't feel the same and it has all been a lie... Having a "besotted" friend is a great feeling, they love you, they admire you and they no doubt will bend over backwards to please you, it is a great ego boost. but unrequited love hurts like hell.
People who have feelings cannot be "just friends" with the object of their attention, it hurts too much, that is why you need to now leave her alone and stop giving her hope..

[Mrin]

Okay if you haven't already figured it out you screwed up royally by flirting. Aside from stopping the flirting right away about the only other thing you could do proactively is to say something along the lines of this next time she flirts or talks about asking you out - "hey I've been giving this some thought. We are really great friends and have both been dancing around turning it into something more. I don't think we should try right now because neither of us are in a spot (distance etc - list a bunch of stuff) that would give a relationship a real chance to succeed. And I feel like if we took that step we would blow our one chance by trying at a time when neither of us are in a position to make it work. That would jeopardize and forever change our friendship. That would do us a disservice don't you think?"

It is not entirely true right? but it puts an emphasis on the circumstances rather than on her. And that may make the rejection easier for her. 

Anyhow think about how you can put the emphasis on something other than her or you. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Mrin

[Fletch Lives]

How old are you?

This is a little slow. At this rate, you guys are going to be collecting social security before you are girlfriend and boyfriend!  

I'd talk to other girls if you want a girlfriend.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no such thing as letting someone down easy, just as there is no such thing as firing someone from a job in a way that is easy for them to hear or take. 

And that's fine. Romance involves deep feelings. What you can do is be honest--admit to the flirting and then say you really don't feel you have the romantic feeling for her. You gotta just say it. By the way, this "ruining the friendship" argument is lame, so lame. I don't know what people think that one is persuasive. Because if you really felt attracted to her, you be more than willing to risk the friendship.

It is reasonable to fear that once you tell her you have no romantic interest, the friendship will fall apart. And that's OK. That happens in life. She may need distance--if she's bright and confident at all, she absolutely will want distance. But, none of this meant you did anything wrong. Even a little flirting--unless you knew she meant it and you knew you didn't--even that isn't so wrong. 

Welcome to being a grownup. There are situations for which there are no "easy" ways of telling someone disappointing news. It's childish to even try. You can be kind and respectful. You can apologize for flirting, but that's about as much as you can do to make things "easy" when you drop the bad news. Most of us have been on one side or the other. Many of us, myself included have been on BOTH sides) of the falling-in-love-with-a-friend situation. That happens, and no one is wrong. 

 

 

[Pumaza]

Just be honest to her,and stop flirting. because clearly you are misleading her if you not romanticly into her,by flirting.

 

Just tell her,what you told us,you scared things will change in a bad way,best is that we stay just freinds,and not flirt anymore.