Finding an Ideal Match

[Mysterio]

I wonder what is wrong with Modern Day Dating.  It feels like finding an ideal match is hard.  I look at myself and I think that I am easy to be with.  Not heavy duty demanding and I have a chill demeanor.

All I want basically is a woman and I to feed each other Interesting Conversations and Laughs.  Mixed with loving verbal and Physical affection.  Thats it.  We may do a shared Social/Recreational activity.  Just Classic BF/GF type stuff.  No living together/having kids/Marriage for now.  Its a possibility to work into it at some point.  

I am off all Dating apps.  I have other friends as well that seem to be going thru this.  Its like I feel its sort of unnatural being single.  Even though I had a month relationship in April.  I feel like I don't understand why certain people have it harder and then for others it falls into place.  50 for me is March 2021.  I wonder if things will improve.  I just feel so disillusioned when it comes to dating and finding a great woman.  I don't think it should be this hard.  

In 2017.  I asked out a woman for Lunch at her job a the Health store that she works at.  I know her from the Gym.  She did not say that she was married and when we went for lunch a couple of days later.  I asked her if she was married within 10 minutes of us sitting down.  She said yes.  I don't get it.  Then a week ago.  I asked a woman that I am aquatinted with from the local Restaurant that I frequent and she seemed a bit hesitant to go out, when I asked for her number.  We are Facebook friends and have sent messages back and forth.  So she has way more interactions with me than the woman I asked out in 2017.  Situation like that irk me.  

I wonder if I really need to take a real break from finding love and dating?

 

[Wiseman2]

You're looking for casual dating? Picking up random women doesn't seem to be working.

You can't find anyone ideal. You'll have to figure out what your priorities are and what your deal breakers are.

 

[FirstClass]

To me, and to many people, dating is a process that we go through in pursuit of a long term exclusive partner. There is a small community of people out there that want the perpetual date as a lifestyle. I've met some of them. These ladies tend to be a little older, well off, reasonably attractive, and they like to keep their options open if you know what I mean. Taking a break from dating doesn't solve your problem. All you can do is be as honest and up front as you can, maybe step up your efforts a bit, and hopefully one day you find the type you are looking for.

I was in a relationship like this once years ago and didn't realize it. I had my place and she had hers and thats the way she wanted to keep it. For me, without a future, things got progressively worse for me because I am not a "keep my options open" type of guy, I like loyalty and security, and so I left. I am married and very happy now and she is still unmarried, and in her own place by herslf, doing pretty much the same thing now just with another guy. So what I'm saying is these women do exist but they aren't easy to find.

And no, I don't have her number anymore 🙂 

 

 

 

[dangerous]

Hey Mysterio, I am surprised this didn't get more responses. Maybe the category isn't as effective as in Dating?

I can sympathise with you, I have similar experiences and views to you, although I have had some relationships and successes, I am once again long term single (over a year) and ultimately seeking a good match with whom I can develop a relationship.

If you are still monitoring this thread, upon your response, i will post some more on the subject.

PS: The pandemic has derailed most/all dating "normalities" anyway! 

[salparadise]

It's something a lot of us single men can relate to –– we want to be partnered, but it has to be a good fit. Beyond that (a good fit) we are reasonably flexible and don't have a ton of specific expectations. It seems like it shouldn't be so hard to find.

Women have a different perspective though. Since they have careers and no longer need to depend on a man for economic stability, and since they can always get plenty of male attention, they have no incentive to lock down with a particular man. This is the practical side. On the emotional side there seems to be some hesitancy to form strong attachments. Whether it's fear of vulnerability or the old optimizing predilection, it all comes down to holding people at arm's length. Optimizing –– women tend to not be interested in average. They visualize the ideal mate, not just a good fit. The more privileged they are the higher the bar, and they less likely they are to find anyone who measures up. But that doesn't seem to matter as much to them as it does to us... we just want a good woman who appreciates us for who we are, as opposed to measuring against a fairy tale ideal.

I'm not saying ALL women, but a significant percentage. I think the dating apps are full of women who are immersed in their own Catch-22. They can find a reason to next anyone. So the trick is to figure out which ones are not this way, and a good fit as well. 

Taking breaks is healthy and necessary, but giving up leaves you without hope. I think backing off and letting them come to you is a pretty good strategy.

[FMW]

As has been mentioned, there is no "ideal" match.  

OP, I'm not sure what the answer to your quandary in dating is, but me and my friends of all ages, from 40s to 70s, are all interested in committed relationships even though most of us aren't interested marriage.  Most of us are in relationships now, in varying degrees of commitment, but no one is just passing the time waiting to see who else might be out there.  

None of us have mates that are "ideal", and we certainly don't see ourselves as being ideal either.  Over a certain age, everyone comes with some baggage that the other person will have to deal with.  In most cases the attraction that originally brought us together didn't have anything to do with ticking off boxes on a list, it just happened.  We did get out and socialize and meet people which provided the opportunities to meet people.  I can't imagine we're that unusual so I wonder somehow your criteria for choosing women you are interested in might be affecting the outcome.  

Or - it could be you just haven't yet met someone that would be a good fit.

I don't think you need to officially take a break from looking, just ease up, stop trying so hard.  A more relaxed attitude about most things help attract more opportunities than the more tense attitude that comes with specifically seeking something.    

[Cookiesandough]

I’m sure finding a “ideal match“ has always been hard. finding anything “ideal“ in this flawed world is pretty hard. I think the only difference in the past were more inclined to pair up with  someone who perhaps wasn’t ideal  and deal with it because it was more or less what they felt they needed to do. 

Edited November 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes