Ex husband wants to reconnect

[Stopme]

Hi All, I like this forum because you get honest answers so here goes!  I am 55, no spring chick.  I'm female with two kids now aged 10 and 16 (had kids late!).  Was married to hub who is mostly a decent guy, we were married for 13 years and split up.  We did the old 'financial settlement' and that was that.  The marriage ended apparently because he 'fell out of love' when we spent a few years doing IVF.  IVF is very taxing on any relationship and I admit I was not giving him all my attention, if you know what I mean.  We already had one child of about 3 so IVF on top of that did nothing for our romantic life, as it probably doesn't for others.  So hub started having an emotional affair with a co-worker.  He states it was not sex but whatever.  It makes no difference, I still felt betrayed.  I found text messages, sat in the car and had to move the seat because she is shorter than me (!) and basically he slept in another room and would have nothing to do with me.  This went on for probably 18 months.  I tried to reconcile and we had counselling but nothing worked.  So with my self-esteem in tatters, my heart broken, I moved out.  I did think he might wake up and want to reconcile and I would have taken him back.  However, this didn't happen so we did a property settlement but he didn't want a divorce.  Fast forward four years and he wants to reconnect.  We have been dating.  He says he still loves me and wants to take care of me, that he is a different person and has more to offer yada yada.  We have been seeing each other for about 5 months.  He takes me out to dinner, buys me flowers but we don't see each other all the time and haven't reconnected as a family.  I live in my house and he lives in his and we still have the kids 50/50.  Our daughter is not happy about this reconnection and thinks its 'stupid'.  OK.  I asked him today what he wants and where this is going.  He says he's confused.  So am I.  Four years is a long time.  I have dated others and probably so has he (we don't talk about this bit!).  I still love him but I don't trust in his feelings.  Why has it taken him so long?  Am I just a consolation prize because there's nobody else?  How long do we keep doing this or should we just bite the bullet and start living together again?  I guess if he told me 'I still love you and want you to be my wife again in every way and wake up with you every morning' I would be feeling a lot more secure with this scenario.  However, I am not getting that.  He told me he's confused because it's been so long.  I feel I might be wasting my time and he might be wasting his.  I have been single now for all this time and although it has its cons, it also has its pros.  I am used to my independence etc.  Sigh.  Any thoughts?  Should I just accept that maybe we are just friends now and need to move on or keep going and hope we can connect in a more committed way?  Thanks for listening.

[Wiseman2]

You are not legally divorced? It sounds like he wants to continue to be single, fool around and as a bonus, neither be really married or really divorced.

Step away from the nebulous nonsense. Focus on co-parenting. He is probably having a dry spell and what could be easier than sex with the ex?

[Stopme]

Hi Wiseman2, I agree but he doesn't want sex.  He says he 'wants to get to know me again' before going there.  But as to the other bit, he's Peter Pan and always was. 

[Wiseman2]

You are estranged for a reason. Either get divorced or reconcile. 

But why reconcile with a cheater?

What is the reason you never got divorced? 

If you think he's Peter pan why waste your time?

[emprosnet7]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are estranged for a reason. Either get divorced or reconcile. 

But why reconcile with a cheater?

What is the reason you never got divorced? 

If you think he's Peter pan why waste your time? 

Cheater is someone when he has sex with his wife and sex with other women. When his sex. relationship with his wife had essentially ended and for 18 months, you don't call him a cheater because he was typically married. 

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Cheater is someone when he has sex with his wife and sex with other women. When his sex. relationship with his wife had essentially ended and for 18 months, you don't call him a cheater because he was typically married. 

Not true.  When you marry the VOWS say "forsaking all others" and "in good times and in bad"   Things were complicated & difficult in the marriage & the OP's H found solace in another woman.  That is cheating.  

@Stopme  Yours is a tough one.  IVF is an emotional roller coaster at best.  I'm concerned that the counseling didn't work.  If it didn't work then, not sure why you think you can get back together now   Since you know what you need -- a declaration from him -- and you are not getting it, that doesn't bode well for happily ever after.  Have you point blank told him that while you are enjoying the dates & appreciate the flowers you need the declaration.  You feel like he strayed (even if it was only emotionally which I don't think you believe).  It stands to reason that you were too hurt, the pain was too raw for the counseling to take back then.  Now you may be more open.  I'd try counseling again because you aren't going to solve this alone.  You need words he can't or won't say but you have to find out if he feels the sentiment.   

Your children can't run your marriage but make sure your daughter's feelings are heard.  Don't put her through an on again off again merry go round.   

[schlumpy]

Four years?

The reason you haven't moved on is because you have been in close contact with him and he's likely been tossing crumbs for you hang onto.

Have you been sleeping with him on and off the entire time?

Please give yourself a chance. What's one more year?

Go NC. Don't let him come to the house. Make him pick up the kids when it's his turn at a relatives house. Take away his house key.

Only talk to him about the children and matters concerning the marriage as in: when is he going to file?

Have separate birthdays, Holidays and vacations with the kids. They won't mind doubling up.

Quit pretending you are married and have a complete family. You do not.

If after a year you still want him back then go for it.

You have to prove to yourself you can live without him before you can make a clear decision as to whether you want to reconcile.

Best of Luck.

 

[FMW]

My ex husband reaches out to me about one a month, I think it's probably when he's not with someone else and feeling lonely.  I don't completely cut him off because he has no one else (family or really even friends).  In my case there is no way I want him back in my life again, but it still keeps me unsettled and stirs up old (bad) feelings.  

Especially since you still have thoughts of reconciling with him I think it's a really bad idea for you to allow him so much access to you.  If he really wanted YOU, he wouldn't be confused and just toeing around the edges.  As soon as someone else catches his attention he'll pull away again and his "confusion" will clear.  Don't put yourself through this.

As to other posters comments - having sex with someone else while still married, whether or not the marriage currently involves sex with each other, is absolutely cheating unless your vows clearly didn't include the intent to be faithful and you both agree it's ok to have sex with others.  Otherwise, if someone feels the need for others, then the answer is divorce.      

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Been there, done that, your story mimics mine in many ways.  We reconciled with disastrous results.  Once you get enough posts that you can private message I'm happy to share my story with you.  My advice is don't do it.  Forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation and a leopard doesn't change his spots (cliche but true).  

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like it's not working and he doesn't have what it takes to fulfill your emotional desires and needs. 

Listen to your deep intuition. It never misleads you. The best way isn't always the easiest way. But it leads good places. 

[Watercolors]

How old is your daughter? As someone else suggested, please make sure you take care of her feelings while you and your husband try to figure out the future of your marriage and family as a unit.

Would you two try marriage counseling again? Why not just get the legality of your divorce finalized? Limbo is not a good place for you, your daughter, or your husband.  A decision needs to be made or the healing for you as a family unit, can never fully be processed.

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, Stopme said:

I asked him today what he wants and where this is going.  He says he's confused.  So am I.  Four years is a long time.  I have dated others and probably so has he (we don't talk about this bit!).  I still love him but I don't trust in his feelings.  

He's full of it. If he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, he shouldn't have initiated this fantasy of reconciling. He clearly does not care about your feelings. Maybe he does not have the emotional depth to understand what he's doing, but it still adds up to the same thing: you will get hurt when he decides (again) that he's not in love with you.

You are right not to trust his feelings. The best gift he has given you is a record of how he behaves when things get tough and the wishy-washy response of someone who will definitely bail on you again down the road. So you can make an informed decision.

[Wiseman2]

So basically, since you are not divorced but estranged and dating others, it's going through cycling of on/off to cheating to an open marriage.

Is this what you want?

[Stopme]

Thanks for all the comments. I should add that he is on the spectrum and so is our son. This doesn’t make them bad people but I don’t think it helps matters

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Stopme said:

I should add that he is on the spectrum and so is our son. This doesn’t make them bad people but I don’t think it helps matters

It is a factor & that is probably why he is not verbalizing what you need to hear.  

[Watercolors]

17 hours ago, Stopme said:

Thanks for all the comments. I should add that he is on the spectrum and so is our son. This doesn’t make them bad people but I don’t think it helps matters

What doesn't help matters is that you are not helping your husband and son by refusing to communicate with them in an environment like a family therapist's office setting, to help you, your son and daughter and husband through this transition to divorce or to reunify the family. Since your husband can't do that based on his autism diagnosis, it is up to you to spearhead that resource of a family therapist who has experience helping autistic adults in situations like this.

[Stopme]

I haven't got the strength to carry both of them through life, who is carrying me? 

[Watercolors]

14 minutes ago, Stopme said:

I haven't got the strength to carry both of them through life, who is carrying me? 

No, and that is why a family therapist will help you all through this transition. That's the only thing I was trying to suggest -- get a third party involved who can help your husband and son who are on the spectrum to understand what is happening better, to take the pressure off of you. That's all I was trying to suggest.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Stopme said:

I haven't got the strength to carry both of them through life, who is carrying me? 

Exactly. Stop making excuses for your cheating, indecisive, non-husband/non-ex. You are the one who needs to put an end to this nonsense.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Stopme said:

I haven't got the strength to carry both of them through life, who is carrying me? 

Stopme, if you don't have the strength to do this then do yourself the kindness of focusing on your kids and letting your husband take care of himself. He seems to have done okay so far (before you met him and when you two separated).

[emprosnet7]

On 10/18/2020 at 8:46 PM, FMW said:

My ex husband reaches out to me about one a month, I think it's probably when he's not with someone else and feeling lonely.  I don't completely cut him off because he has no one else (family or really even friends).  In my case there is no way I want him back in my life again, but it still keeps me unsettled and stirs up old (bad) feelings.  

Especially since you still have thoughts of reconciling with him I think it's a really bad idea for you to allow him so much access to you.  If he really wanted YOU, he wouldn't be confused and just toeing around the edges.  As soon as someone else catches his attention he'll pull away again and his "confusion" will clear.  Don't put yourself through this.

As to other posters comments - having sex with someone else while still married, whether or not the marriage currently involves sex with each other, is absolutely cheating unless your vows clearly didn't include the intent to be faithful and you both agree it's ok to have sex with others.  Otherwise, if someone feels the need for others, then the answer is divorce.      

That is not what I wrote. You can not call someone a cheater when the marriage was essentially over, and I am not talking only about sex but in all accounts.

[FMW]

10 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

You can not call someone a cheater

It's your choice not to call it that, but it is my opinion (as I set out) that it is cheating.

My husband repeatedly cheated on me, but before we were officially separated I connected with another man.  So - yes, I cheated.  It's not a convenient or pretty fact, but it is what it is.  Having reasons for doing what you do don't change the fact that you do it.