I pushed her away, trying to figure out a woman's perspective

[MaterialCup9110]

I hope for some hard truth answers from you here. This is going to be long, really long but I need perspective of my actions and her actions, her way of communication and hoping to learn from it and improve as a man and human. Here it goes:

We only knew each other for 2 months. For context, we're in northern Europe, dating here is much more serious than like in American movies where girls will go on a date just to have someone to eat dinner with etc. We're both around 30 years old, no kids.

We met on Tinder as she had recently moved here. There was an instant connection through text and instant chemistry when we met. She even pro longed our first date and asked me to text her when I got home. This girl is very beautiful, works as a fashion model, doing catwalk shows etc so she has her pick of men. We only met 4 times but I'm the type of person who knows quickly how I see a potential romantic partner, and I knew immediately that I had found what I've been searching for. Is this silly? I question my self of this some times.

I think she was on the same page as for the following dates she was all over me, admiring me, very physically close, we couldn't keep our hands of each other. She told me she removed her Tinder account even before we met. Our few dates were mostly us at my place, talking about everything from parallel universe to which candy is the best, intervened with long make out sessions. She asked a lot of questions like if I want to get married, have kids, if I'm allergic to cats (she loves her cats) etc. I think we fell for each other quickly.

Our last dated she kissed me good bye and texted me when she got home as usual. I would usually set up the next date immediately. But I panicked. I knew if this was gonna continue I had to open up and let her in. That's difficult for me. So I didn't text her for 10 days after our last date. After 10 days I texted her to ask her out, which she ignored. Was it that bad to not text for this amount of time?

I wait another 10 days and text her again, this time with an apology. However in hind sight my apology was crap. I even included to ask her out, as I assumed she'd forgive me. I realize this was bad.

She did not answer. I called her but she didn't pick up. So I left it to be. I couple of days later she did text back however. She said "It's ok, don't worry about it, you don't have to apologize but I don't think we should see each other anymore". Am I wrong in assuming that it was in fact not "ok"? This is a very warm girl with lots of empathy, the tone was very different than how she used to talk. I write back "Okey, if you changed your mind, give me a call and if i'm single at that time, then maybe we'll go on a date again". Same evening she sent an Instagram friend request which I declined, then she posted on her Instagram a post with a quote about moving forward and not looking back. How did my actions come across here?

In the following week I change my profile pic on Instagram, she changes her's a couple of days later. Days later she changes it again and posts a picture with the caption "tea yes. you maybe". I had a feeling it was her way of communicating to me but I was hesitant to read too much into it. Should I have understood this was her way of communication?

The following 2 weeks she posts images with captions like:

"You're my little flower, blooming in the night, only for an hour"

"I just wanna stay to look at you, look at you, What would it matter if your friends knew? Who cares what other people say anyway"

"I don't believe in kissing without trembling"

"What if I can't get you out of my thoughts"

The last one she posted as regular post, story and to her highlight reel. I put a like on that post, later that evening she posted about her "always overthinking things". I guess those are all lyrics or quotes from some books but I checked her Instagram and she doesn't post things like this before. Was this again a way of trying to hint something to me?

2-3 weeks go by and she suddenly starts posting things that makes it obvious she is seeing someone. It felt like the ground had been removed from under my feet. So I decided to text her. I told her that I missed her, I knew I screwed things up and asked her if she'd open to grab a cup of coffee sometime. She didn't answer. Later in the evening she instead removed the post about moving forward and not looking back, which she posted the evening we last spoke. I don't understand this? Same evening she posted a story about how she "deserves to be loved and to be missed, and deserves someone who notices when she is not around". The morning after she posts an almost top less picture both as post and as story. This she never did before. Does this come across like I only contacted her because she met someone new?

I text her again with a proper apology. She doesn't answer. A couple of days later I'm walking just outside my place and she passes by sitting on the bus. We lock eyes and follow each other as we're moving in opposite directions. Later that evening I saw that she blocked me from all her social media. I don't understand why

I know people say it was so short so who even cares, but for me, sometimes the amount of time together doesn't matter, it's the connection. And I think she felt the same. Thank you for reading all this and I appreciate any feed back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here. 

Not communicating for 10 days after your last date killed it, yep. If you're that afraid that you disappear for 10 days, you're not ready for a relationship. Like her, I would call it off. That would tell me that you're not ready for what I'm looking for, and there's no point in continuing to talk. 

You're reading too much into her social media posts and looking for hidden meaning that probably isn't there. She sounds a little whimsical and attention-seeking, but it's not your attention she's looking for anymore. That ship sailed and she has lost interest. 

Better to leave this be so you can work on getting to place where you are ready to open up and explore relationships. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, MaterialCup9110 said:

She said "It's ok, don't worry about it, you don't have to apologize but I don't think we should see each other anymore". 

 

 

Unfortunately because of your own issues, you ghosted her. What else could she do but end it?

You need to stop contacting her and stop following her social media looking for hidden meaning.

You may have felt strong attraction and a strong connection, but for whatever reason you broke the momentum by ghosting her.

[Beachead]

@MaterialCup9110

Hello OP,

I'm not a woman here but I can provide you with perspective here.

Firstly, ignore all the social media posts. All activity on there could mean anything, so try as you might to figure out what all her activity could have meant, you won't.

When you hit the breaks and stopped messaging her for 10 days, because you panicked..you should have been honest instead.  It hurt things with her as she likely took it as a lack of interest.  People date multiple people at once, all the time, so your disappearing could have also been interpreted as an allocation of time for yourself to date someone else.  

Having said that, I don't see why she couldn't have messaged or called you within the time you stopped talking.  Is it solely your job to do all the courting work?  You also are experiencing the difficult task of building trust in yourself, towards her..so how would you know how interested she is and whether this is worth it, if she is never the one to initiate anything?  And that is where her fault lies.  Also when she told you that what you did was okay, when it wasn't..that was a poor move on her part as well.   

So bear in mind, it's not just up to you to make things work.  It's up to her as well.  It takes two people to make something work.  Also understand that there are several factors in a person's life that impact their behaviour and the choices they make, that have nothing to do with you, but do affect your relationship with them.   Things like her upbringing, past relationships, the adversity she has faced in her adult life etc.  These can affect how she perceives herself and her world and can impact what wants, what she values, what she desires or needs.   So although some accountability is held on your end, you are also competing with those things as well and you won't be able to do much about it.   Just as whatever problems you were dealing with, made you go cold for 10 days, she was also likely influenced by her own personal struggles as well.

It is up to both to apply communication and honesty to bridge those gaps, so that trust can be built.  Overall, you both contributed to things ending through a lack of communication and honesty where it mattered.  

If you want to improve upon this, start by addressing exactly what made you stop talking for 10 days.  You panicked..but why?  Why is hard to get close?

- Beach

[schlumpy]

Stop trying to contact her and quit following her social media or you will make another mistake and be labeled a stalker.

What really happened to you? The way you described it sounded like a very nice opportunity and at every juncture you squandered it. 

Where did those decision you made come from? Influence from a bad past relationship?

You recently read a book on contrary dating and decided to try it out on the love of your life?

I really don't understand, so how about some details of your thought process.

[carhill]

OP, IMO use this experience as an impetus to work on capacity for emotional intimacy, presuming an intimate relationship is what you seek. Start first with friends, people you have no romantic interest in. From a man's perspective, an older man who dated a lot and was married, IMO this one is done. Billions more out there. The next time go with the flow, not a formula, after doing that emotional intimacy work. Good luck!

[kendahke]

On 10/18/2020 at 7:33 AM, MaterialCup9110 said:

Was it that bad to not text for this amount of time?

it was exceedingly bad. What she got from that was you're clearly not interested.

She's moved on to:

Quote

she has her pick of men.

and they won't play childish games with her.  They're ready to be in an adult relationship. You aren't.  Get off of tinder and get a handle on yourself.

None of what she posted on Instagram has anything to do with you. It's probably for the new guy she's met.

[mark clemson]

I liked your post, Kenhahke, but -

18 minutes ago, kendahke said:

and they [men] won't play childish games with her.  They're ready to be in an adult relationship.

... I wouldn't go that far. No shortage of dysfunctional men out in the dating pool from what I hear.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, not contacting her for 10 days was the problem. If a man I'd been out with 4 times didn't contact me for even a few days afterward, I'd lose interest and move on.

[spiderowl]

If I was dating someone and they did not contact me for 10 days, that would be it.  There is no question that someone who did that would not meet my needs.  Like most people, I need someone who wants to spend time with me and cares about me.  10 days silence shows that neither matter to you.

Although you did apologise, you may not have given her the real reason why you did not contact her.  She probably thought you only contacted her with an apology once your 'other' dates fell through.

If she's a really attractive woman, then maybe you are physically very attractive to women too.  Maybe you are used to women being there for you, no matter how you behave?  Just a thought.  Maybe you need to realise that not every woman will be.

I am also baffled as to what possessed you to suddenly cut off from her for a fortnight.  What were you nervous about?  Was it that to take it any further might imply some commitment on your part?  Whatever it was, you need to think about that feeling.  Maybe you did not feel she was right for you and the lack of contact was instinctive on your part.  I think you must have known at some level that you would be putting her off by your behaviour.  Maybe you should ask yourself why you were putting her off?  Were you testing her interest in you or something?  Perhaps you can avoid doing this again in future.

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by spiderowl

[kendahke]

On 10/19/2020 at 3:16 PM, mark clemson said:

I liked your post, Kenhahke, but -

... I wouldn't go that far. No shortage of dysfunctional men out in the dating pool from what I hear.

and due to her experience with this guy, her spidey senses are sharpened and those kinds of men will be sussed out much more quickly than had she not had this experience. Self preservation is the strongest human drive--we tend not to put our hand on the hot stove after having been burned once.