Me and my wife are too different

[Matchacal]

My wife and I love each other very much but we have only been married now for two years and things already seem unrepairable. We've tried many different activities suggested online and the same mistakes are constantly made over and over. We are now considering couples therapy. We are adamant that divorce and separation is not an option for us.

Our three biggest issues are:
1. Massive differences on every level
2. Lack of communication
3. Both get overly emotional

We both have such different backgrounds. She comes through a heavily family orientated background while not the case for me. I am not great at conversation as in my family home there was not much conversation whereas she's used to constant talking to her mum and dad and two sisters. I often find it hard to know what to talk to her about. 

I admit I am really bad with listening and remembering things. Not that I am being lazy or distracted but because things don't always seem to stick in my head. Understandably this irritates her as she is often having to repeat herself. 

We both suffer from depression and anxiety. When she gets sad and down, I find it very hard to be supportive in the way she needs because the way she needs it doesn't come naturally to me. I often make the situation worse. It's even worse if I am down too because I feel hopeless. 

I also feel very guilty because I don't seem to have any sex drive since getting married and I don't fully know why but she ends up feeling sexually frustrated because of this. I have had a history of being groomed by a friend when I was 17 which may have caused this non existent sex drive but I don't know. 

One of my biggest struggles is that her sister and I have everything in common. We are very similar people in all areas. As she is very close with her family, I often have no choice but to spend time with her sister and I tend to focus only on her without even knowing it. I feel so much shame because I love my wife and I only want to be interested in her. It's very hard when there is someone else who just seems so much more like me. Of course I would never ever ever cheat. I hate the idea of it but having those feelings just puts more of a strain on things and my wife does know about my feelings for her but she is understandable and does not blame me for them.

Of course these are my biggest problems I have and my contribution to this unhappy marriage but I will now list my biggest difficulties with my wife....

She has a very bad temper. She is regularly ticked off by the smallest thing which she will explode about. Even if it's something I do that does not even involve her. 
She often misinterprets things I say and accuses me of incorrect things. She is very critical of the things I do and often puts me down when I make mistakes as I am quite clumsy. Calling me names like stupid or idiot. She's a bit of a control freak too. She likes things to be done her way. When I express my own opinion she gets upset and says I am always disagreeing and hating on her ideas.

When I am anxious or depressed or even physically poorly, she is supportive up to a point until she gets fed up and starts suggesting I just "get on with it" etc. 

We've continuously tried talking about our issues but it often end with her raising her voice and then eventually crying. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Matchacal said:

 We are now considering couples therapy.

We both suffer from depression and anxiety.

I also feel very guilty because I don't seem to have any sex drive since getting married

 my wife does know about my feelings for her but she is understandable and does not blame me for them.

Calling me names like stupid or idiot. She's a bit of a control freak too.

How were things before you got married? Are there other problems, such as financial strain, job loss, etc. 

1. You need to see a Doctor and get the anxiety, depression and resulting low libido and hopelessness under better control. Your wife also needs to see her own doctor. You both need individual private therapy.

2. Your wife does Not feel "understanding" about you telling her you have the hots for her sister. This is manifested in abusive anger toward you.

3.Add  to that your loss of sex drive/intimacy, and you have this marriage about to implode.

This is not about her "close family" , just ignore that. Stop fantasizing about her sister. Avoid the sister as much as possible.. Your wife is angry and frustrated, that pushes you away, that makes her more angry and frustrated. For this reason, you also need marriage therapy.

[schlumpy]

It's not a deal breaker to be different.

Look at it in a different way.

Being different can mean that she has strengths in areas of life that you don't and vice-versa.

You said she's a big family person. Let her have free rein in this area and let her know she's in charge. Use your talents in an area she has a weakness in.

Together you two can become greater then you would be by yourself.

If you choose someone that is similar then what do you need them for? You may as well clone a copy of yourself and change the sex to female.

[Fletch Lives]

21 hours ago, Matchacal said:

We are now considering couples therapy. We are adamant that divorce and separation is not an option for us.

I think that's a great idea. You have a lot of issues, too much to be addressed on a forum.

[d0nnivain]

Couples therapy is a great idea.  Hopefully you are both in individual therapy for your anxiety & depression.  You need to get that under control.  Learn about mindfulness & meditation.  Personally, I prefer prayer but that's not for everyone.  

Do things to improve your conversational skills.  Learn to make small talk.  It's a skill not an art.  If you have funds, try something like a Dale Carnegie course which  also help with memory.  If funds are tight surf the internet or check out the library for resources.  Learn to ask Qs. With everything going on in the world there tons of current events to discuss.  

Find a shared hobby / interest.  DH & I walk our dog.  We also discuss politics (that hot button topic is not for everyone. lol)  

Make dates to have sex.  If you have trouble, take a pill but give her affection & romance or she will walk 

For now, when talking to her & you know it's important, repeat back to her what she said -- "we're having dinner with the neighbors on Friday."  When you are able put this stuff on your calendar with reminders.   Seriously if it's something you know will come back to bite you for not remembering, make a note.  Most smart phones have a note pad feature.  

Stay away from the sister.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

23 hours ago, Matchacal said:

 She is very critical of the things I do and often puts me down when I make mistakes as I am quite clumsy. Calling me names like stupid or idiot.

You two can change almost everything about your relationship if you work at it, but if she doesn't improve in this area, you will be miserable for your entire marriage :(.  

[Datergirl]

If my husband told me he had feelings for my sister...that's not something I could ever get over....no wonder she's got a bad temper and is highly critical of you

[FirstClass]

There is lots of evidence that as young people, we are attracted to qualities in others that we desire to have for ourselves. And the opposite is true too, meaning some of the qualities we hate about ourselves we really hate when we see them in other people. It sounds to me like you and your wife have both of these things going on. For instance, close families tend to be dependent on each other and so it's common for people coming from a family like that to be attracted to independence which can be instilled in people that do not come from close families. Likewise, although you both have sadness and depression, she looks upon you to talk to her and help her out of it much like she would with a family member, while you probably have learned to deal with it in a more independent way. There is nothing wrong with either of you, except that you very different people.

Marriage is great most times, well sometimes, but other times it is work. It does not sound to me like this is something you can do yourselves, you are going to need help and it will require sacrifice on your part and your wife's part. Couples counseling is not easy, it can be exhausting, but it does work in roughly 3 out of 4 cases for those who go in looking to stay together. I agree with another post that a forum can not help you. There is no magic pill to swallow to make this all better. It will be more like a marathon and you both must be committed to it. Yet there is nothing that I have seen that bonds two people together more than going through a struggle to accomplish a difficult long term goal together.