Just initiated full NC ghosting needing support

[BeaNeverLearns]

Thank god for this forum. I've just gone full no contact. Sent my last message to him telling him never to contact me again. Blocked him from linkedin/whatapp and phone. I'm now on hold with tech support in work to see if I can discreetly block him from our internal messaging system. 

When I get time I'll tell the full story, but what I need now is everyone to tell me that I am strong and that I'm doing the right thing. You guys in this forum have been my inspiration all day. I'm on this rollercoaster for the last 2.5 years. I've tried to end it sooooooo many times doing the best between the 8th of March this year and May. But he pulled me back in. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. 

I'm married, he's married. She found out a couple of times. I'm not happy with myself for how he's treated me or her. Not happy at all. There were times when he was amazing, but I'm not stupid either. He was getting his cake and eating it too. As was I. But now. It's time to stop this madness. Stop it for good. I have to get off this merri-go-round.  I read on one of the other forums, I'm standing on the ledge, with no way back, it's time to jump right into the pain, and as Brene says, go through the s***ty middle. 

Please. I am doing the right thing. I almost feel a sense of relief. I know it will be met with incredible sadness down the road, but I am expecting that. 

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Ok Bea. I'll be the first to respond. Yes, you are making the right decision. 

It feels crappy to stay in an affair and it feels crappy to leave one. The difference between the two, in this regard, is that all will get better in time when you take the path to leave. It pretty much never gets better when you stay. I would argue it gets worse and worse as you stay because the negative feelings (resentment, second-guessing, devaluing to name a couple) get worse with time. 

I won't chastise you for cheating on your husband, because plenty of others here will...and I suppose you have all you can handle right now trying to break free from the affair. 

If you need more "inspiration," you can also read some of the stories of posters here (like mine) and their subsequent posts over years to see how things progressed once people exited their affairs. In case you didn't know, just click on the members' profiles and then click on their posting history.

Not easy to exit, but necessary. One day at a time...or just one minute at a time if that is what it takes.  

Edited October 19, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Abetterme]

Hi Bea - Yes, you are doing the best thing for yourself. It will be hard, but you have lots of work to do on yourself and your marriage. 
 

I am also a MW who spent many regrettable years involved in an A with a MM. As you’re finally taking a stand, it sounds like you have already come to a place of realization that the cycle doesn’t end until you force it. I imagine you also see the A bubble for what it is, a fantasy. 
 

If you’re not already going to therapy, I’d highly recommend that. Brene is accurate - the sh**ty middle! I found I was using the A as a band-aid for so many issues I didn’t have the right tools to deal with. It was never REALLY about him. He just saw a woman with poor boundaries. 

I wish you the best! This is the best choice you’ve made in a long time. 

 

[carhill]

Black hole NC can be very effective but it's no cakewalk. It sounds like the steps you're taking will support you in the process but IME there will be hurdles to overcome, hurdles that tech support and technology can't assist you with. If you find yourself stuck, IMO don't be afraid to reach out to a professional for help. Additionally, make practice of refocusing your thoughts on your marriage. Sort it out. IDK its condition but if it was solid at one point, had a firm foundation of love and commitment and intimacy, you can find that again. If not, OK, make a decision. Stay or go, but make it on the health of the marriage rather than the attachment of the affair. Good luck!

[Zona]

5 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

what I need now is everyone to tell me that I am strong and that I'm doing the right thing. 

You are definitely doing the right thing. As to whether you are strong or not, that is yet to be seen. If you can stick to NC and not backslide, then you have proven your strength, because it is not easy.

What is your relationship like with your husband? If you want to stay with your husband, you may consider confessing to him. That's a sure way to pop the fantasy bubble. On the other hand, if you want out of the marriage, just do it and let him find a woman who will love and respect him. There are lots out there waiting like vultures to pounce once the marriage dies. I have a couple of friends whose wives left them for another man. It was painful, but they are in much better marriages now.

[Wiseman2]

Do you still work together?

[BeaNeverLearns]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you still work together?

Hi there, yes we do. Tech support say there is no way to block an internal user. I work for a very very,  large multinational. I don't work in the same building as him and I will probably never have to cross paths with him again, given that I work from home, but it's not impossible. He was only staying in the role because I was working there and the hours suited our relationship. My hope is that when he realizes that I'm done for good (as i am always ending it) he will begin to make plans to leave. His job is not the most mentally taxing, so he could realistically get a job elsewhere. I hope he does. He's a good person, who's done bad thing(s), just like me, and I still want what's best for him, but the less ability he has to contact me and vice versa the better. 

Still resolute. But as one of the posters said. It's early days, but feeling positive that I've regained control. Seeking counselling this evening. 

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Bea, as fMW myself you are doing the right thing. Like ABetterMe I also realized that my A was a band-aid and a way to avoid dealing with my own issues. NC will be difficult at first, I suggest taking it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. Maybe your AP will reach out, maybe he won't. Don't obsess over either one...you are in control of your choices, not other people's. You have made the choice to start NC and your AP's choices don't affect your NC. In time your head will clear and you can begin the difficult work...trying to understand why you made the choices you did and what this means to your marriage. Hold strong and good luck.

[Zona]

4 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

Seeking counselling this evening. 

Some counsellors are good, some bad. If you get one that is an apologist for affairs (lots out there), move on and find one that will hold you accountable and challenge your wayward thinking.

I notice that you avoid the topic of your husband and marriage. Lots of issues to unpack there I'm sure.

[d0nnivain]

Of course ending your affair is the right thing.  While you are at it, perhaps look for a new job too to stay away from him fully 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

 I have to get off this merri-go-round.

If you are tempted to go back in, remember this phase, as in your case it's exactly what you'd be returning to. You could consider keeping a journal in a password protected file that records some of the negative emotions, and pull that out to re-read how you felt at certain key points IF you think it would help remind you AND feel it's worth the risk of doing so.

[BeaNeverLearns]

12 minutes ago, Zona said:

Some counsellors are good, some bad. If you get one that is an apologist for affairs (lots out there), move on and find one that will hold you accountable and challenge your wayward thinking.

I notice that you avoid the topic of your husband and marriage. Lots of issues to unpack there I'm sure.

Zona, Yes, you're right, there is no mention of my husband. But he is here. He is an incredibly good man, but not without his faults. I really just havent had time to discuss the full story because of a lack of time. I know deep down, that my affair has something to do with unmet needs. We sought counselling about three months before my A started, and my husband didn't want to do counselling anymore, right when we were getting to his porn addiction which had brought us there in the first place. I really did try to fix my marriage and this guy came along, at precisely the wrong time when I was just about to start getting out of my marriage. It felt more comfortable for all to stay where I was rather than uproot us all, which is what would've happened. In a crazy way, meting this guy saved my marriage. I am not condoning what I did or what we did. I feel despicable. Firstly though, I need to get out of the affair fog get me fixed, and then see what's left of my marriage. There may not be, but while I'm in this haze, I can't do me or our marriage any justice. I am a good person who's done a bad thing. hubby and I are together almost 30 years, married for 1/2 of those. 

Doing research, apparently your brain on porn and your brain in an affair, makes you behave in a similar way. 

Also agree on the counsellor bit. I have a session early tomorrow to establish a path or program for me. I need it to be honest. 

Keep the support coming everyone. My affair might have been the best thing to ever happen us.

[BeaNeverLearns]

Just now, mark clemson said:

If you are tempted to go back in, remember this phase, as in your case it's exactly what you'd be returning to. You could consider keeping a journal in a password protected file that records some of the negative emotions, and pull that out to re-read how you felt at certain key points IF you think it would help remind you AND feel it's worth the risk of doing so.

Excellent advice. Thank you Mark. 

[Zona]

What do you define as a porn addiction? My wife and I occasionally watch it together just for kicks (high quality stuff, nothing questionable). Admittedly porn was tough for me for a while because after my WW's affair, it fed into the mind movies. Luckily I never had them as bad as some people.

A good counselor will point out that whatever faults your husband has, your affair has nothing to do with him or his behavior. It is 100% on you. Any other claim by you is just blame shifting and rationalization and the avoidance of taking responsibility for your actions.

I've never heard of a marriage that doesn't have some issues. It comes with the territory. Once you realize the absurdity of saying things like the affair saved your marriage, then you will be getting out of the "fog".

Have you been checked for STD's? They can fester for years under the surface and then cause severe problems or even death. It's common for male AP's to have more than one affair going at a time. Your husband has no idea that he been exposed to this risk.

Edited October 19, 2020 by Zona

[mark clemson]

35 minutes ago, Zona said:

A good counselor will point out that whatever faults your husband has, your affair has nothing to do with him or his behavior. It is 100% on you. Any other claim by you is just blame shifting and rationalization and the avoidance of taking responsibility for your actions.

Great verbiage. I will be sure to save this for the next time people try to pin a BS's decision to divorce on their WS. Thanks!

[BeaNeverLearns]

5 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

Hi Bea, as fMW myself you are doing the right thing. Like ABetterMe I also realized that my A was a band-aid and a way to avoid dealing with my own issues. NC will be difficult at first, I suggest taking it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. Maybe your AP will reach out, maybe he won't. Don't obsess over either one...you are in control of your choices, not other people's. You have made the choice to start NC and your AP's choices don't affect your NC. In time your head will clear and you can begin the difficult work...trying to understand why you made the choices you did and what this means to your marriage. Hold strong and good luck.

BitterSweetie, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot tell you what a lifeline it is to have people in here, like you, tellling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm doing the right thing. I love him.  It is exactly like another poster said, it's still a breakup and there is still a fog. I just need to get through it. I'm almost 24 hours out of it, and I feel like I'm in more control. I haven't been obsessing like I would have done in the past like looking at a FB posting (which was my last straw), today as my thoughts drifted towards that type of feeling, I just quickly moved onto something else. I'm reading Byron Katie's Loving what is, and I'm hoping to get a few tips from that.  2.5 years of time wasted and poor choices. When I look at everyones story, it's like looking in the mirror. Oldest story in the book. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it. 

[BeaNeverLearns]

4 hours ago, Zona said:

What do you define as a porn addiction? My wife and I occasionally watch it together just for kicks (high quality stuff, nothing questionable). Admittedly porn was tough for me for a while because after my WW's affair, it fed into the mind movies. Luckily I never had them as bad as some people.

A good counselor will point out that whatever faults your husband has, your affair has nothing to do with him or his behavior. It is 100% on you. Any other claim by you is just blame shifting and rationalization and the avoidance of taking responsibility for your actions.

I've never heard of a marriage that doesn't have some issues. It comes with the territory. Once you realize the absurdity of saying things like the affair saved your marriage, then you will be getting out of the "fog".

Have you been checked for STD's? They can fester for years under the surface and then cause severe problems or even death. It's common for male AP's to have more than one affair going at a time. Your husband has no idea that he been exposed to this risk.

Zona, I do appreciate your candor. Please bare in mind the big step I took yesterday. I'm not looking for sympathy, just support.  I really do believe right now, I would do anything in my power to take back what I have done to my husband and myself. I'm sorry, i did not mean to offend you or minimise what you or anyone else in here went through. I am in pain right now. I love my AP, but I am also aware that I will have to eventually face the situation with my husband. The funny thing about porn addiction is that you don't want to have sex with your significant other, if you're masturbating yourself silly!!!! Which is what happened our relationship. I tried to get it fixed, to fix our relationship, but he didn't want to. I will take your advice and get tested for STI's but rest assured, if my husband picked up an STI, he didn't get it from me. He's too busy getting his from porn.  I am in a fog. I don't blame him. I blame myself and I blame my bad decisions. nobody else. I should have left my marriage when I said I would and who knows where I would be now. 

Question? Is everyone a proponent of telling ones husband?  Because I, for one am not. If  thought it would beneift him, I would. but I just don't think it would.  Again. I thank you for your honesty, I'm not a bad person, I'm just trying to get through this, like everyone else in here. 

[BeaNeverLearns]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Great verbiage. I will be sure to save this for the next time people try to pin a BS's decision to divorce on their WS. Thanks!

Hi Mark, again, as with Zona (see response below) I'm not minimising what I've done. I'm still finding my way around this. 

[BeaNeverLearns]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Of course ending your affair is the right thing.  While you are at it, perhaps look for a new job too to stay away from him fully 

Thank you for your reply d0nnivain. I can steer clear of him I have an amazing job, no way am I giving that up for him.  He will move, his wife will make sure of it. Ihope she does 😉 Again, thank you for your support. Everyones words here (good and bad) has helped me like I've never been helped before. Thank you all again. 

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

He is an incredibly good man

An incredibly good man does not put their spouse through the stress and despair of several several Ddays. That's nothing but cruel and honestly I don't know why you continued the affair knowing how much hurt it caused. 

Just be strong and continue with NC and IC. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

Question? Is everyone a proponent of telling ones husband?  Because I, for one am not.

No. There can be advantages and disadvantages. For me, this is a case-by-case decision for a WS who is undiscovered. If they are done with the affair and trying to save their marriage, they may "blow it up" in the name of honesty.

IF/AFTER they tell (or there is discovery by another method), it's important to be fully honest to avoid a further sense of betrayal from the BS.

Not sure what makes the most sense for your specific case, I may re-read things later when I have time, but IMO there's always a level of unpredictability (and a potential for marriage-ending distress if you decide to tell). I will let others speak to the potential advantages (which DO exist as well).

[Zona]

4 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

The funny thing about porn addiction is that you don't want to have sex with your significant other, if you're masturbating yourself silly!!!! 

Wow, sorry to hear about that. That's awful. I could never stay in a sexless marriage.

 

[BeaNeverLearns]

19 hours ago, carhill said:

Black hole NC can be very effective but it's no cakewalk. It sounds like the steps you're taking will support you in the process but IME there will be hurdles to overcome, hurdles that tech support and technology can't assist you with. If you find yourself stuck, IMO don't be afraid to reach out to a professional for help. Additionally, make practice of refocusing your thoughts on your marriage. Sort it out. IDK its condition but if it was solid at one point, had a firm foundation of love and commitment and intimacy, you can find that again. If not, OK, make a decision. Stay or go, but make it on the health of the marriage rather than the attachment of the affair. Good luck!

carhill. Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it. Marriage will have to hold firm for now until I can think straight. He's oblivious. I respect him enormously and I love him like a brother, and I wanted us to be togther for all time, but I don't feel that's going to be possible, at least not now anyway.  "hurdles that tech support and technology can't assist you with" I loved this quote, because you're so right. I was just trying to set myself up for success. I'm in the right frame of mind. With people like you here to support me and encourage me, I would have been a floundering mess by now. 

[Nats_16]

Well done @BeaNeverLearnsfor taking the first step to happiness. These affairs are nothing more than a sure fire way to destroy your life and your self as you once were. You did the right thing and hopefully will spur others on to do the same. I am also in an affair for three years and they Literally are a roller coaster of emotions.

[BeaNeverLearns]

2 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

Well done @BeaNeverLearnsfor taking the first step to happiness. These affairs are nothing more than a sure fire way to destroy your life and your self as you once were. You did the right thing and hopefully will spur others on to do the same. I am also in an affair for three years and they Literally are a roller coaster of emotions.

Thank you Nats_16, 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. You're right, I am doing the right thing. I can't emphasize how important this forum is for keeping me motivated. I am astounded by the similarities in the stories. I'm slightly nervous as to how "not too bad" I'm feeling. I'm wondering its it the shock or adrenalin or something. Either way, I'll take it one hour at a time. Thank you again.