Just initiated full NC ghosting needing support

[BeaNeverLearns]

7 hours ago, Zona said:

Wow, sorry to hear about that. That's awful. I could never stay in a sexless marriage.

 

It's no problem. I never wanted to break up my home. i blame myself completely. 

[Zona]

5 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

i blame myself completely. 

For the choice to have an affair and lie to your spouse about it, yes that is on you.

As for the state of the marriage, what he was doing will wreck a marriage. Did you cut him off from sex while you were in the affair though?

[Bittersweetie]

23 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

My affair might have been the best thing to ever happen us.

Please don't start to use a statement like this in order to justify your affair. My marriage is much stronger and healthier than it was before my affair. However I wish with every fiber of my being that we got to that place on a different path, and not through the pain and destruction I caused. 

You mention telling your husband. It is a question that is very personal, and there are many opinions on it. As someone who had a d-day, I will say that we could not have the relationship we have now without full honesty and authenticity between us. I liken it to building a house on a faulty foundation. And also something to think about: you are taking away the truth of your husband's life by keeping this affair to yourself. My husband made a big career decision during my affair, and he told me afterward that if he had known, he would've made a different choice. I took his truth away from him and it affected major choices he made.

This is not a question you need to answer immediately. Focus right now on keeping NC and gaining a clear head in order to confront this question and your choices in a healthy manner.

Edited October 20, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[BeaNeverLearns]

2 hours ago, Zona said:

For the choice to have an affair and lie to your spouse about it, yes that is on you.

As for the state of the marriage, what he was doing will wreck a marriage. Did you cut him off from sex while you were in the affair though?

Yes. But there was very little sex anyway. There was nothing left for me in every sense of the word. What I really wanted from him was intimacy and the connection instead he was full on addicted and that altered not only the frequency but the type of sex we were having, devoid of any intimacy and leaving with me feeling like a piece of meat, I couldn't allow myself to engage in it. Once he didn't want to go ahead with the counselling, I didn't feel there was any point in forcing the issue. That's when I zoned out of my marriage and that was the end of our sex life. He looks for sex every now and again, but I refuse, and will continue to do so until I can think straight.  He loves me, we've been together since  we were teens but the porn thing has always been a feature (I don't engage in it) and it's dogged us for most of our relationship. We have two grown up kids, late twenties  and late teens so the kids are almost done. I have no idea what will be left. But I know I don't ever want to engage in this type of behavior again. I really feel I have wasted the lasts 29 months where everything has suffered. Me, my husband and my family. I'm almost day two on NC and it's going ok. Didn't look at facebook today, looked at my phone a couple of times, but that's as "obsessive" as I've gotten. Let's hope I can keep it up. Honestly. If I didn't have this forum, I'd be calling him already. Thank you all again. 

 

[Zona]

Probably best to let your husband know, as painful as it will be for him. If you do plan on confessing, there is a pretty high chance of divorce, so brace yourself for the fallout and start planning for how any separation will be handled.

The problem is your marriage can't really continue as it stands. Being honest will move things forward one way or the other.

Is your AP married too?

 

[BeaNeverLearns]

27 minutes ago, Zona said:

Probably best to let your husband know, as painful as it will be for him. If you do plan on confessing, there is a pretty high chance of divorce, so brace yourself for the fallout and start planning for how any separation will be handled.

The problem is your marriage can't really continue as it stands. Being honest will move things forward one way or the other.

Is your AP married too?

 

Yes, Zona he is. Again, while answering these questions, it makes it all so hard to stomach. Not for anyone else really, mostly for myself. But cathartic nonetheless. I have not cried in the last 48 hours, and before that, I was crying all the time. So, getting off this merri-go-round was the best decision I ever could have made. I honestly feel like the last 29 months have been one bad decision after another, and this decision has been the single best decision of my life. I know it's early days and I shouldn't be cocky. As for telling my husband. I really need to get my own head straight emotionally. I lost my mother quite recently, and it's just too much upheaval for all concerned. I will not leave my marriage to rot, I promise that to myself, but for now, I just have to hold firm and keep things together. Counselling is proving quite difficult as there is a big waiting list given the covid situation in my country.  Again Zona, thank you for reaching out and all the responders, you guys are keeping me grounded.

[Zona]

How is N.C. going?

I still think the best way of dealing with this is to confess to your husband. Right now you are just trying to sweep it under the rug. That rarely works long term. The temptation to run back to AP will be overwhelming at times unless you bring it out in the open.

[BeaNeverLearns]

On 10/23/2020 at 5:21 PM, Zona said:

How is N.C. going?

I still think the best way of dealing with this is to confess to your husband. Right now you are just trying to sweep it under the rug. That rarely works long term. The temptation to run back to AP will be overwhelming at times unless you bring it out in the open.

Hey Zona, thanks for reaching out. I've been super busy in work, so didn't get time to reply. All good and still full NC. Resisting the temptation to look at facebook, check whatsapp staus etc.  When my mind starts to drift, I try to quickly change my thoughts, I'm getting stronger at it too, so I'm happy with that. I'm taking some time out workwise too, so not logged in there either. To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling, one thing I am feeling is a little more settled. The crazy swings of highs and lows have turned to a more consistent low, not a really bad low mood, but a consistent manageable low. Do you know what I mean?  I fully intend on attending to my marriage, but I need to be in the right frame of mind. If I confess now, I run the risk of blowing it all up and upsetting his life (and that of my kids) for the sake of sorting out mine, I want to be sure that it's the absolute right thing to do. If I choose to leave, then I'll leave and he can be oblivious and still never know the pain of my betrayal. If I stay, then obviously, I'll have to run the risk of him leaving, in order to do the right thing. But the only purpose it serves (right now) is to help me right now, and not him. I appreciate the advice, but telling him will not do him or me or our marriage any good. I have made a commitment to myself to sort out our marriage, if that means I commit to stay, then I'll stay, but equally, I may go.  I'm staying off this affair merri-go-round so I can get back to some sort of equilibrium and get my life back on A track, what ever track that may be or will be, it won't be back to my AP. I'm closing that chapter. 29 Months of extreme highs, and brutal gut churning low's have taken their toll on me and my mental health.  I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm as resolute as I was this time last week. Thank you again Zona. I do appreciate you reaching out.   Anybody else have any tips on staying "clean"?

[Lurker123]

Hi Bea. Hope you’re doing ok. Well done on maintaining NC. I think the first couple of weeks are always the easiest as you’re in the phase where you feel in control. It may not be the same for everyone, but for me NC has got harder- it’s now been almost 3 months since the last message between me and exMM and although I have blocked him on everything so he cannot reach me- it still hurts that it’s over and I can’t shake the sense of ‘abandonment’. I know this is a personal hurdle that I need to get over- and only time can make it easier. 

I would just encourage you to stay strong and keep yourself as busy as possible. The current climate of the world does make that difficult I know and I think that is why I have struggled to move on- mostly because I have been unable to! You say the relationship went on for 29 months- that is a long time and AP would have been a large part of your life, so don’t take for granted the fact you will feel this loss at some point- maybe if not now- I would say definitely at some point over the next few weeks.

I can’t really advise you on the situation with your husband. All I would say is that if you found it within yourself to have a relationship with someone else behind his back, this raises the question of do you really want to be with him and can you make this work as a genuine honest relationship going forward? Personally I don’t think you can move the relationship forward until you have been 100% honest with him. I understand your position at the moment, if you tell him, he will likely walk away and you will end up with nothing. I ended my marriage two months into my affair, but after the A ended, I still went to exH and told him the truth. A big part of moving on from the A was being completely honest with everyone in my life- this allowed me to close the chapter in my head and know that I could never go back. It wasn’t easy, but I felt a million times better for it.

I wish you all the best and if you ever have moments of doubt then please post here, as you will always receive the honest truth! Some of the comments on this forum were hard to swallow at times, but every single one contributed towards me seeing that ending the A was the right thing to do. If I’m ever in doubt I go back and read through the whole thing again! 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

  Anybody else have any tips on staying "clean"?

In your case consider some IC with a licensed therapist (if you haven't started that already) - that may be helpful to process the several issues you have going on. You'll have someone you can discuss this with with a guarantee of confidentiality. Be aware that not all of them are good and a few have agendas of their own of various kinds, so you'd want to suss out if you feel they are right for you.

Avoid checking up on them on social media or by other means.

Time in nature (10 min a day at least) can help your mood (although it's a bit subtle) as can working out within your capabilities. These boost serotonin and endogenous opiates. "Cute" things like kids and pet videos will boost oxytocin. Achievements and (platonic) socializing will boost dopamine, but you're already throwing yourself into your work, so I suspect you're getting that. Additional distractions, such as books, TV shows, and music can be good as well, although I suggest you avoid excessive "poignancy" as that can sometimes trigger stuff unexpectedly.

I'd note that you probably don't want to simply fill your life with distractions in an attempt to "rugsweep" your emotions, instead you want to process them. None of the above should stop you from processing your feelings, which takes time, but should help you have a less difficult time while you do.

[Bittersweetie]

One thing I did was write down all the things I wanted to tell xAP and all the things I was upset and angry over with him. Then I would literally rip the paper up into pieces and throw them away. At first I wrote a lot! Then it got down to a page, then half a page, then a sentence, then I got to the point where there was literally nothing I wanted to say to xAP because what would be the point? NC is hard because it becomes a habit or a way to get a fix. Breaking either of those is difficult so I would also suggest just taking it one day at a time. Thinking of things as "forever" can be overwhelming...but you can do one day. You have the strength to do one day. And then, eventually, those days add up to weeks, months, years.

[SMoore]

Hi

16 month affair for me, now nearly 5 months NC and only just beginning to stabilise!  It’s been the biggest pain I’ve ever been through but almost unbelievably time does seem to heal.  I had 5 psychotherapy sessions, insane amounts of introspection and research looking at what I’d done from all angles.  Had depression for most of that time.  That seems to have lifted thank god, am now running again and just started gym too.  Am looking at meditation now.  I’ve fought to get where I am now - AP is a low resolution memory, she is completely removed from my life and I hope never to see her again.  The guilt was much easier to let go of than the shame, but even that seems more under control now.

Just give it time plus as many strategies as you can think of.

NC is a b**** but it’s the only way.

[BeaNeverLearns]

On 10/26/2020 at 9:24 AM, Lurker123 said:

Hi Bea. Hope you’re doing ok. Well done on maintaining NC. I think the first couple of weeks are always the easiest as you’re in the phase where you feel in control. It may not be the same for everyone, but for me NC has got harder- it’s now been almost 3 months since the last message between me and exMM and although I have blocked him on everything so he cannot reach me- it still hurts that it’s over and I can’t shake the sense of ‘abandonment’. I know this is a personal hurdle that I need to get over- and only time can make it easier. 

I would just encourage you to stay strong and keep yourself as busy as possible. The current climate of the world does make that difficult I know and I think that is why I have struggled to move on- mostly because I have been unable to! You say the relationship went on for 29 months- that is a long time and AP would have been a large part of your life, so don’t take for granted the fact you will feel this loss at some point- maybe if not now- I would say definitely at some point over the next few weeks.

I can’t really advise you on the situation with your husband. All I would say is that if you found it within yourself to have a relationship with someone else behind his back, this raises the question of do you really want to be with him and can you make this work as a genuine honest relationship going forward? Personally I don’t think you can move the relationship forward until you have been 100% honest with him. I understand your position at the moment, if you tell him, he will likely walk away and you will end up with nothing. I ended my marriage two months into my affair, but after the A ended, I still went to exH and told him the truth. A big part of moving on from the A was being completely honest with everyone in my life- this allowed me to close the chapter in my head and know that I could never go back. It wasn’t easy, but I felt a million times better for it.

I wish you all the best and if you ever have moments of doubt then please post here, as you will always receive the honest truth! Some of the comments on this forum were hard to swallow at times, but every single one contributed towards me seeing that ending the A was the right thing to do. If I’m ever in doubt I go back and read through the whole thing again! 

Lurker123,

So many thanks for responding. I really am so very grateful to everyone who is so supportive. Sometimes the responses hurt, but that's ok. I need to hear it. So today was hard. For the first time since I blocked him I'm feeling low. Still resolute, but low. As you know I can't block him in work, so his status is always set to "online" and I know he's doing that to conceal how often he's checking for me. I am offline and he'll never know that I can see him. I know, I know, this is obsessive behavior, and I'm weaning myself off, believe me. It's minor to what I have done in the past. So.... the important thing is that I'm not contacting him and he's not contacted me. He'll be patiently waiting for me to contact him, he'll be waiting for me to "soften" but to be honest, how I'm feeling now, is a million times better than when I'm on that merri-go-round. 

I'm keeping busy. Work is always busy, and I'm also in college, so I've plenty to keep me going, however, I do know, that all this does, is kick the can down the road, and sooner rather than later, I'll have to go through it. I know it, however, I am super busy, so it's helping. My trouble is focusing. I'll find myself drifting and thinking of him or a song or whatever, maybe a smell and instantly, I'm feeling down, but It's not as bad as I was anticipating. I guess as you say, I'll just have to take it one step at a time. 

We had some friends over for dinner last night, and they would not know anything was wrong, but it was so nice to be out of my own head for the duration. It really was. It made me long for those halcyon days of my ignorance of him. I don't have time to write those letters, as I've so much work to do, but I remember some issues in my past and I found that writing them down was good for me. 

As for the husband.... I'm asking myself that question almost every hour, let alone ever day. My friends reminded me about my birthday just which just happened to be before I met my AP.  We went away for the weekend (myself and my husband) and we got back to the hotel in the evening and I asked him if he'd like to go and watch the sunset, and he said no, I'm tired, so I left and walked down to watch the sunset on my own and when I got back to the hotel at 8:30, he was asleep. I remember feeling very lonely that night, I went downstairs, got a couple of beers and sat outside in the beer garden,  alone. I used to hear people saying that they were lonely in marriages,  but I never understood it until that moment.  This made me realize just how bad things were between us, and I'm not justifying the A, there is no justification, but I was and am so very lonely.  

Like I said. I'm keeping the marriage situation on ice until I know exactly what the right decision is for me. My husband is a good man, but he is selfish. 

Again. Support is so badly needed. I appreciate it.  I will be forever thankful. 

Bea

[BeaNeverLearns]

23 hours ago, SMoore said:

Hi

16 month affair for me, now nearly 5 months NC and only just beginning to stabilise!  It’s been the biggest pain I’ve ever been through but almost unbelievably time does seem to heal.  I had 5 psychotherapy sessions, insane amounts of introspection and research looking at what I’d done from all angles.  Had depression for most of that time.  That seems to have lifted thank god, am now running again and just started gym too.  Am looking at meditation now.  I’ve fought to get where I am now - AP is a low resolution memory, she is completely removed from my life and I hope never to see her again.  The guilt was much easier to let go of than the shame, but even that seems more under control now.

Just give it time plus as many strategies as you can think of.

NC is a b**** but it’s the only way.

SMore,

Your response was amazing. I'm dying to get to the spot that you're in right now. I feel guilt and I feel shame. Again, I've not had time to get the counselling but I know I will over the days and weeks. I too am running (couldn't face the gym) and that gets me out of my head for a while. I love it. Long may it continue. What I am amazed at is the amount of time wasted. Wasted on something that had no future. 16 months for you, and almost twice that for me, for what. Nothing. Work suffered, home suffered, my family and extended family suffered, for what. For what. You are well rid. Kudos to you.  I loved the low resolution comment.

Keep fighting the good fight.  Thank you for taking the time to respond. 

Bea 

[BeaNeverLearns]

On 10/26/2020 at 8:49 PM, Bittersweetie said:

One thing I did was write down all the things I wanted to tell xAP and all the things I was upset and angry over with him. Then I would literally rip the paper up into pieces and throw them away. At first I wrote a lot! Then it got down to a page, then half a page, then a sentence, then I got to the point where there was literally nothing I wanted to say to xAP because what would be the point? NC is hard because it becomes a habit or a way to get a fix. Breaking either of those is difficult so I would also suggest just taking it one day at a time. Thinking of things as "forever" can be overwhelming...but you can do one day. You have the strength to do one day. And then, eventually, those days add up to weeks, months, years.

Bittersweetie,

thanks for this. I did this too long time ago when I has having difficulty in work. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it. I will try to keep you all posted about how I'm getting on. One day, I can but only hope to be like you and the rest of the survivors.  By the way. In an effort to understand what's going on in my mind, I'm reading Ester Perel's The State of Affairs, and some things are starting to make sense. Worth a read, she's not for or against she just understands the affair dynamic. 

Thank you again. Looking forward to being a survivor. 😉

[SMoore]

I don’t see it as time wasted.  I’ve learned so much from it.  It’s like surviving a car crash - not to be recommended but it happened and was instructive in so many ways.  Hopefully it’ll stop me driving so badly in the future and destroying everything in another crash!

So look at it as a life lesson.  You’ll be wiser for it, I’m sure.

[Zona]

2 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

I'm reading Ester Perel's The State of Affairs, and some things are starting to make sense. Worth a read, she's not for or against she just understands the affair dynamic. 

Virtually every BS I have ever talked to can't stand Ester Perel. She is an apologist for adultery plain and simple. A better book would be "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

[Bittersweetie]

14 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

Bittersweetie,

thanks for this. I did this too long time ago when I has having difficulty in work. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it. I will try to keep you all posted about how I'm getting on. One day, I can but only hope to be like you and the rest of the survivors.  By the way. In an effort to understand what's going on in my mind, I'm reading Ester Perel's The State of Affairs, and some things are starting to make sense. Worth a read, she's not for or against she just understands the affair dynamic. 

Thank you again. Looking forward to being a survivor. 😉

I remember one time writing in a Starbucks. I wrote and wrote, and then ripped it all into small pieces. I look up to see a man watching me like I was crazy! LOL. 

I would second the  "Not Just Friends" as a book. I also read "After the Affair." I'm not a fan of Esther Perel. I also read books on marriage (John Gottman) and self-esteem (I don't remember any off the top of my head). I found even if I got something small from a book, it helped. 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, BeaNeverLearns said:

We had some friends over for dinner last night, and they would not know anything was wrong, but it was so nice to be out of my own head for the duration. It really was.

Socializing with friends - boosts dopamine.

Sorry, couldn't resist.  🙂