He is not introducing me to his friends, should I be worried?

[Nightowl008]

Hi,

So my colleague and I started dating during the pandemic period. We got close during the lockdown with the restrictions and all and started officially dating about 4 months ago. That’s also when we first saw each again since we were sent home to work from home. 

He is always mentioning his best friend and how close they are. They see (and call) each other frequently. He has two other friends who I have met online but already “met” them before we started going out, because we call online sometimes to play games together and they join. None of these three close friends know we are dating and he is not bothered to tell them. Should I be worried?

Some background info: he has dated another colleague of ours but they broke up just before lockdown happened in March. He said it was mutual and they are still friends. I didn’t really know her, she was in a total different department. 

I checked her facebook and it seems she’s friends with all three of his friends. For the record they only dated for 4 months before they broke up. My bf and I are 4 months together now and he has not mentioned me at all to them...

I don’t know if it matters but all of his friends are married and have kids or about to have kids. I asked him about why he hasn’t mentioned me to anyone and he said he was a very private kind of guy.

I did meet his flatmates a couple weeks back for the first time because all these times he came to my place and I really wanted to see his place for a change. So that was good progress because they also had no idea of my existence before I visited their house (even though he usually stays over at mine every week).

What would you make of this? Keen to hear your thoughts! Thanks

 

[Wiseman2]

There's a few red flags here.🚩

One is being a secret. Then there's the fact that he's the office Romeo.

Another thing to note is that he's into short term casual relationships, that last about 16 weeks.

Another bright red flag is that he's on the rebound and talking to his ex.

Last but not least is he camps out at your place all the time like a bed and breakfast with benefits.

He doesn't seem like BF/ long term material. Don't add him to your social media. He may know this is nothing to announce to his people.

Edited October 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

In my opinion it means that you two are not on the same page.

The value you have assigned to this relationship does not match his score card.

That he won't present you to his friends lowers the long term potential and raises the likelihood that he sees it as casual.

Make moves right now to protect yourself. Start pulling back. If he pursues you, then that's fine. Let him put the effort in. You can use that as measure as to how much he wants to be with you.

[elaine567]

Bottom line, he is just not proud of you.
If he was proud of you, he would be parading you around to all of his friends...

Also the ex he is still friends with, who his friends all know... he may want to get back with her, hence why you are being kept a secret.
OR he already has plans to move on from you,
OR you are not the only woman he is dating...
Whatever the  actual reason, it is NOT a good sign.

[Ellener]

@Nightowl008 I would not read anything more into it than his answer 

12 hours ago, Nightowl008 said:

I asked him about why he hasn’t mentioned me to anyone and he said he was a very private kind of guy.

If all his friends are married or having children then he isn't likely to introduce anyone to them unless he's about to do the same.

12 hours ago, Nightowl008 said:

good progress

So you have a goal in mind, of this being a permanent relationship? 

12 hours ago, Nightowl008 said:

Should I be worried?

The pandemic made everything more intense for everyone for a while. Take a step back and enjoy your time together. 

[Fletch Lives]

He should wait six months to introduce friends and family. It's only been 4 months. Sounds like he's right on schedule.

[stillafool]

OP have you introduced this guy to all of your friends and family?

[d0nnivain]

He may be one of those people who just assume people know & there's no need to make an announcement. 

I am troubled by his continued friendship with his recent EX, a colleague of yours.  The fact that his friends still connect with her is also problematic. Keep an eye on that but if nobody's stirring the pot, don't bring it up. 

Your only answer is to talk to him about it.   

[Watercolors]

I agree with everyone's observations about your b/f's motives for not introducing you to his friends and to be wary of his office dating patterns with female work colleagues.

I would mention to him that you want to meet his friends - esp. his best friend - and gauge his reaction. If he hems and haws about introducing you that means he has no plans to and is using excuses to postpone it.

Communication should be open between you two by now, 4 months into your r/s. You should be comfortable enough to voice your concerns with him, without fearing that he will come down hard on you, or will try to shut you down or respond negatively to your questions in order to hide and cover up his guilt over having feelings for his ex g/f still (if he in fact, still has feelings for her).

By 4 months, you should have been introduced to his family and his friends and be on a first name basis with them.

 

[Nightowl008]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

@Nightowl008 I would not read anything more into it than his answer 

If all his friends are married or having children then he isn't likely to introduce anyone to them unless he's about to do the same.

So you have a goal in mind, of this being a permanent relationship? 

The pandemic made everything more intense for everyone for a while. Take a step back and enjoy your time together. 

The friends he’s really close to (and I have met few of them online) are all married (+kids), yes. Some other friends he mentioned are not, but as far as I know he hasn’t mentioned me to anyone except his flatmates now.

I do date with the intention of a long term goal, that is something that’s pretty clear, but I guess I should talk to him about if we are having the same goals.

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

OP have you introduced this guy to all of your friends and family?

Not to my family (I did mention to my mum I’m dating a guy but no details yet). He has met some of my friends (they met online during the pandemic for games even before we started dating when we were just becoming close friends). They seemed to get along very well to the point they invited him for a BBQ dinner after lockdown. After that‘s when we also started dating and my friends were kind of witnesses of the development. Two months later one of my friends who has a summer bungalow in the north near the lakes asked if he wanted to join us for our summer trip and he did (we talked before if it wasn’t going too fast and we made sure we communicated well). But the vacation was great - so yes he did meet my friends. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Nightowl008