I think I might be a mistress?

[bck429]

I need some help deciding what to do here and I'm just curious what other people's opinions are on this.

Here's the story in as short a form as possible:

I met this guy online a handful of months ago. We started out as friends, met in person (he lives out of state and I was in his town for a totally unrelated-to-him reason), and there were fireworks between us. When we met, he told me he was 'seeing someone'; we had a few drinks, and ended up making out that night. He wouldn't go back to my room with me because of this person he was seeing, and as soon as he got back home he started telling me how much he wished he had. We spent the next month talking to each other every single night until late in the evening via text, started sending racy pictures back and forth, etc. He started talking about meeting up again and maybe coming to see me. The amount that we were talking, how late we were talking each night, and the complete availability he seemed to have for me made me think this "sort of thing" he had with this person was over. We didn't talk about it and any time I asked he'd deflect.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, he's repeatedly asked to come see me but when I start asking about when this is actually going to happen, he suddenly backs way off and then actually disappears for a few days. It's weird - very weird - to not hear from him and I am convinced he's ghosted me. But he keeps popping back up, and I start feeling like maybe I'm just getting strung along. He is barely around at all for two weeks and then suddenly comes back, apologizes profusely, and says he wants to see me as soon as possible. Offers to pay for everything for me to come to him because it's too complicated for him to leave at the moment. I ask him if he's still seeing this person and he says he told me he was seeing someone before, and things are complicated but not serious.

His answers have been vague and indirect and sort of avoidant - also a bad sign. Basically, he wants to pay for me to come to him and stay there, but also says he can't stay with me while I am there, which is a giant red flag of he's seeing someone. I know they don't live together. This has become something that I really, really want and our conversations and connection have just grown over time. But I also do not want to be a person that messes with anyone else's life or causes any unhappiness for someone else (background on me: I have been cheated on and it was BAD). I feel like I very well could have already been that because I was so sure he's a good person and I think I was lying to myself a little about it all, because honestly, the amount that we talk - and at night - I just don't see how he could have been with someone else, there was no time for that. I have to decide soon if I'm going to book these tickets - we both need to request time off to see each other. But I am not sure now if I'm going to book them and go there and barely see him and just be hanging by myself in a city I don't know, and then what's the point? I think I am trying to rationalize this behavior too much and need an outside perspective. I'm trying to keep this brief so really not going into detail the level of OMG that we've both had over each other. I've never felt this intensely about anyone, ever. And it seems that he feels the same. So I just don't know what to do. I am also totally okay with long distance and I don't know how he feels about it. Unfortunately I can't really get him to talk about anything relationship related, he just sort of shuts down. 

So am I being totally stupid? Do I need to not go? My thought is that I would like very, very much to have this conversation in person, where I can look him in the eye and get some real answers out of him, but I also feel like him paying for everything may lead to some expectations that may go out the window if he is, in fact, in a real relationship with someone. I just don't know.

[La.Primavera]

You want the honest truth, I think you are being willfully naïve about his relationship status.  Of course he is in a relationship.  He is showing textbook cheater evasiveness and sketchy behavior.  Having you a safe distance out of town works perfectly for him. 

He tested you early on to see how you would react to confessing he was already seeing someone.  Instead of cutting him off then and calling him out for making out with you, you let him know that it was no big deal.  You are down to cheat with him.

This isn't a decent guy.  He just plays at being one.  I mean, he was such a gentleman not going back to your room that night.  Please.. 

If you want to involve yourself in a situation that mirrors you previous relationship pain, go ahead, but don't think for a second that you are innocent in all this.  The intense feelings are heightened by cheating.  You only need to take a short read of the OW/OM board to see that.  In fact, I'd recommend that you do have a read at the first hand experiences in these messy situations and how difficult they are to get out of once you take it that next step.

This post may come across as a bit blunt, but you need a wake up call to snap you out of it.

Don't be like your ex.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bck429 said:

 

I met this guy online a handful of months ago. We started out as friends, met in person (he lives out of state 

Why would you seek out an out of town romance? Are you married as well?

There's no reason to rendezvous with someone like this unless you have your own agenda.

Don't be flattered by his paying for hotels and trips.

[schlumpy]

You have to arm yourself with knowledge. Don't jump blindly hoping there are no rocks below the water.

If you can afford it, contact a PI and have them run a profile on this guy for you.

You can take his name to the internet.

Purchase some use a couple of the search engines that look for things like criminal records, sex offenses, parking tickets, bankruptcies, etc.......

Take note of all the people that are presented as family. 

Check out all the FB pages related to his relatives and look for clues.

Do this and you should be able to glean enough information to help you understand his strange behavior.

I don't know if that will overcome your burning need to be with him but at least you won't have any excuses if it all goes bad.

[FMW]

Whether there is a legitimate reason for him just disappearing/going silent for days at a time or not, is this something you really want to deal with?  Someone who drops in and out of your life without warning?

I think there is very little chance that he is NOT involved with someone else, and in such a way that the other person thinks they are in a committed relationship.  "Complicated" means I'm trying to screw around but I have to hide it.  

And as was mentioned, the intense feelings are generated by the uncertainty and unavailability, it's addictive and very well documented by scientific studies.