He ended our just beginning relationship when his brother unexpectedly passed away. Will he come back to me one day?

[Clovergirl]

I was dating a man for 6 weeks (we are both 29), seeing him about twice a week. I'd known him for a while through mutual friends and once we spent a bit more time together things developed and seemed to be going really well. We hadn't made anything official yet but he'd talked about the future and wanting a long term relationship, which is where things seemed to be headed. We always went out on proper dates during that time not just sleepovers. He introduced me to his brother and sister in law for a double date. 6 weeks in, we had plans for the follow weekend, when it was found that his brother has a brain tumour. At this stage he just went cold and stopped messaging me. 2 days later when I found out about the brother from our mutual friend, I called him to offer support. We talked about it and he explained he is very stressed and needs to be able to process everything that is happening with his brother, he ended things with me, saying he can't focus on a relationship right now, but said he really likes me, then repeated this before the call ended. 

His brother passed away a few days later. I sent a sympathy card. 

This was about 2 weeks ago. I have not heard from him or messaged him since. He was close to his brother and I can understand he is going through so much. Whilst I know he is hurting a lot, I was very upset our relationship ended as I thought we'd be a long term thing. This seems harder than some bigger break ups I've been through.  I think it is so difficult for me is because if he'd just ended things for other reasons,  it would be clear he's not interested in me and I should move on. 

Some people have told me, he could be using this as an excuse to end things, or if he really liked he he'd want me around for support. But he did go cold suddenly when this happened and I don't think its unreasonable for a man to withdraw with such grief. 

I'll see him sooner or later, when he starts spending time with our friend group again. I'm kind of hoping things will work out with us eventually, as he will want to a relationship with a woman again one day. 

Is it likely he could come back to me when he's ready? Should I message him every now and then to ask how he is or just leave it for him to reach out if hes ready? Whilst I knew him before dating him, I wouldn't have said we were friends then. 

[jspice]

Nobody here knows if he’ll come back. The only thing anyone can tell you is that grief hits us all differently. 
 

My grandparents raised me and they were my whole world. I have a good relationship with my mother but my grandparents were in the parent role. I have a sister and brother who were raised by my mum.

My grandmother died ten years ago and my grandfather five years ago. Losing one was heart wrenching but losing both just about killed me on the inside. 
I’m not a terribly expressive person and don’t like to be vulnerable in front of anyone. What I did do was draw a few people very close to me. They were people who had known me for most of my life and I didn’t need to explain my grief to them or talk about it. They know how great my loss is. With everyone else I maintained, and still do maintain a surface level relationship because any new people In my life needed to know who my parents were. I’m not going to tell my story or share my heartbreak with just anyone so if I’m not sure you’re going to be there for the long term, I don’t  share all of me and the most important people on my life. 
 

His brother’s death could’ve hit him just as hard. He might not want to be in a boyfriend role right now. 
Or he could be using it as an excuse, true. 
 

As for sending messages, be authentic. If you would do it with other people then do it. If you’re hoping he’ll want to be with you because you’re keeping yourself on his mind with texts, then don’t do it. 

[Clovergirl]

Thanks for your response. Sorry to hear about your grandparents, that must've been so much to go through. I think the death did hit him hard. My mutual friend told me he is really struggling. I guess I just want to leave a chance open for a future rekindling but I don't know how long he would take to be ready. 

Personally I don't think its an excuse, I know thats what I want to think though. It wasn't like he was starting to fade out suddenly, everything was great before everything changed. I think I'll send him a message in a few days to say hello. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

Some people have told me, he could be using this as an excuse to end things, or if he really liked he he'd want me around for support. But he did go cold suddenly when this happened and I don't think its unreasonable for a man to withdraw with such grief. 

Don't listen to the people telling you this. 

You've been dating such a short time that you're not yet that person he'd turn to in horribly dark times. It is too new.  It's unfair to assume he'd seek you out right now if he really liked you, though I suspect this isn't your personal belief but something other people (probably inexperienced with grief) have put in your head. 

Speaking from experience, sudden loss can rock your whole world. It's traumatizing and you're not thinking straight. Tending to others takes a backseat when you're just trying to cope with overwhelming grief and get through each hour, each day, each week. It affects everyone differently and can sometimes take a long time to come out of. I would place money on his withdrawal being nothing personal at all, but rather a coping mechanism to deal with this sudden shock and sadness. I lost someone close to me very suddenly many years ago now, and I didn't want anyone around me at all as I worked though the pain. I didn't want people to see me like that, however well-intentioned and caring they were. I just couldn't handle it. 

He may resurface when he's processed things a little more. Your gesture to send a card was kind, and you're doing the right thing giving him space. He knows where you are if he feels ready to reconnect; however, I wouldn't advise your put yourself on hold. He did put an end to things so you're free to move forward however you see fit. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Yes, stay no contact and give him space. He's not in a mindset right now for dating anyone. Particularly someone he knows for 40 something Days

Edited October 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Clovergirl]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't listen to the people telling you this. 

Thank you! We were early stages of dating and I would not have expected him to turn to me when he is falling apart. I think him ending our short relationship because of his grief is normal and I know its not personal to me. I know he is not in the right mind set for dating right now too. 

I can't put my life on hold forever, but I do think he could be worth waiting for. 

I guess I'm just wondering about the chances of someone in a similar circumstances getting back together with someone when the timing is better. 

[Fletch Lives]

I'm sorry to say, but once a budding relationship is interrupted like this and too much time passes, the love often dies and never returns. 

It's okay! You can find a new man and start again with a clean slate.

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

Is it likely he could come back to me when he's ready? Should I message him every now and then to ask how he is or just leave it for him to reach out if hes ready? Whilst I knew him before dating him, I wouldn't have said we were friends then. 

Death effects people differently & in these strange times it's all exponentially multiplied.  

It was so lovely of you to express sympathy.  You are right to acknowledge your newness in his life rules you out as his support system.  You did make yourself that option which was again a very nice thing to do but he was equally right to not accept.  You can send an upbeat hello message in about 2 weeks or more but not yet.  Then wait until you see him coming back around to the friend group,  At that point, you can ask him out for a low key get together.  Meanwhile you should be open to dating others.  

[kendahke]

Grief behind losing a close family member like a well loved brother is like being at the bottom of the ocean on a gulp of air.

He's trying to get back up to the surface without breathing water, while also fighting the currents that keep overwhelming him. Once he does reach the surface, he has to figure out where he is and what direction in which to swim.

He cannot possibly put your need for attention before breaking the surface right now.

Your best bet is to date other guys if you want to be in a relationship right now.

Your friends are not being helpful at all--and I agree with ExPat--they reason like someone who has not lost any of their immediate family members yet.

[Ellener]

On 10/18/2020 at 11:39 PM, Clovergirl said:

Some people have told me, he could be using this as an excuse to end things, or if he really liked he he'd want me around for support.

Who the hell would say that?! Dear me, people do give terrible and unnecessarily negative advice sometimes.

Timing is everything in relationships, and he's not going to be up for dating maybe for some time. If it were me I'd leave things if he's said he needs time alone to process, and get on with life.

He'll reach out to you when he's ready if he wants to.

I know it's disappointing, but you were probably 'jumping the gun' hoping this would be permanent after just 6 weeks. Take care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry to hear this, for a few reasons obviously.  As for him and how he feels about you?  It's hard to say, but I think you made your presence / wants known to him by reaching out.  He should have some courtesy and acknowledge you, but he's not.  So just let it be.