Breaking up with my bf seems impossible

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, hi again, guys.

I have been dating my bf for about 7 months or so. I see too many incompatibilities at this point, Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable E.g.

1. He used to hang with this group before we started dating. It’s hard to explain, but they’re these vapid people in their late 20s to 30s who are partying or at club all the time. He says he’s happy I got him out of that, but I feel like he misses it sometimes and now he has very few friends 

2. He is extroverted and likes to party with lots of people. I am more of a homebody and introverted. I would be more inclined to party if his friends weren’t idiots I have nothing in common with. He acts like he’s fine with not doing that, but I can tell he is bored 

3. This may sound arrogant, but he isn’t really intriguing to me on an intellectual level. Sure, in some ways we can communicate well and get along, but there’s no way I can into him the way I would like. There’s just not enough interest in his personality.  I’ve started to get a wandering eye and crushing on other people. 
 

Our first couple months dating, he proposed and I managed to talk him down from that by saying I’m not ready, it’s too soon. He still uses that language, where we will be together forever and he’s “never going to let me go” It’s very hard to end the relationship for reasons including but not limited to: 

 

1. We live together and spend all our free time  together. 
 

2. I have a very close relationship with his mom. His mom and dad have been having a rough patch, so I called his mom and she was crying to me how she might divorce his dad, but she’s worried about me leaving her son because he loves me so much and she loves us together and she doesn’t want this to interfere with the relationship. It made me so sad, so I said I wouldn’t ever leave 

 

3. My ex ( who is my bf acquaintance) messaged him on FB messenger to warn him that I would “eat his heart for breakfast” and blindside him the way I did him. (A similar thing happened with my ex, where I finally broke down one day and told him that I wanted to break up) I assured my bf that wouldn’t happen

 

Lastly, do love my bf and would miss him very much. 
 

But  I am not in love with him. I keep oscillating between telling him bye and sticking it out because he is a great guy, no relationship has sparks forever, and I feel like I keep doing this. But today I’ve been home all day and I realize how relieved I feel by myself. I miss my parents, my dog, my independence.
 

Can anyone offer some guidance 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

You live together?  Good heavens you have only been together 7 months. 

If you aren't feeling it, end it.  

[Miss Spider]

Thank you. It’s just so hard 😫 It’s always this way. I’m the bad guy. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

Why are you the bad guy for setting him free to go find a partner who loves him & for whom he will be the center of the universe?  Yes you will hurt him by breaking up with him but you would hurt him more by dragging it out, wasting his time & continuing to pretend. 

Which would you want:  to be lied to daily by someone going through the motions or to be set free? 

Edited October 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth do you live together when you've only been dating 7 months?  That was not a good idea.

You haven't been with this guy very long.  It's clear that you're not feeling this relationship.  At 7 months into a relationship, people are usually in the honeymoon stage.  If you're already feeling not into him, and not in love with him, and can't have an intelligent conversation, you need to end this as soon as possible.  You have exhibited very poor judgment  and poor boundaries in getting so entangled with him and his mom so fast.  End this relationship before he gets any more invested.  And he has no right to "not let" you break up with him or say that he "won't let you go."  That's abusive.  Don't fall for it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Dragging it out won't help anything. Hopefully you learned some lessons here - don't move in together or promise forever prematurely. Take your time. 

[Miss Spider]

Thanks, guys. Hi, Ruby. I’ll do it. I know you’re right.

 

It’s confusing for me because I am late 20s  and I have never felt romantic attraction that lasted longer than a couple months after we started dating. So I don’t know if it’s just a matter of me not meeting the right person , or not being capable of it (yet), or I’m jumping out the second I’m bored or the sparks are gone.

I like him, but I can’t help but think that there is someone else out there more compatible for me. We are different in a lot of ways. I’ve started daydreaming about other guys who are so different than him. But everyone crushes right? Idk. 

 

It’s also hard because he has no idea I’m feeling this way. My last message to him was “Thank you, babe. YTB. love you so💕 “ this morning. 
 

I think I’m gonna tell him I’m staying at my parents tonight. I know he will be sad because it’s the first time in 7 months we’ve not slept next to each other.I wish so bad I could disappear. I’ve honestly had thoughts of running away. Obviously, I can’t and shouldn’t do that. But I will lay low until I work up the courage to tell him. 

 

But yea, there is definitely a lesson in all of this. I’m never getting in deep until I’ve dated a long time... or something 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

1. We live together

Do you have a place to move to?? Have you secured an apartment, utilities, moving van (if necessary)??

 

[balletomane]

According to your last thread, when he proposed, you accepted. Lots of people here expressed concern that you would get engaged to a man you'd been dating for a couple of months and hadn't been exclusive with. I don't think you're the "bad guy", but I think you are very impulsive in your decision-making and in retrospect you struggle to acknowledge it (e.g. here you make it sound as if you declined his proposal, when at first you went along with it and were adamant that you'd never experienced a connection like this before). That impulsivity also seems to be linked to a sense of powerlessness: in each of these threads you talk almost as if you have no choice about any of it. From your ex's message, it sounds as if this is a pattern with you - getting swept along with what your partner wants, then abruptly ending things when the panic and regret become too much.

You not only need to break up with this man, you need to break the pattern, otherwise it will just repeat itself again and again. You can't take responsibility for his emotional issues (and they must be significant for him to propose to a woman he barely knows!), but you can and must take responsibility for yours. Have you ever had therapy for any of this?

[Ruby Slippers]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s confusing for me because I am late 20s  and I have never felt romantic attraction that lasted longer than a couple months after we started dating. So I don’t know if it’s just a matter of me not meeting the right person , or not being capable of it (yet), or I’m jumping out the second I’m bored or the sparks are gone.

There's no one-size-fits-all formula for happiness and fulfillment in life. Maybe deep down you just don't enjoy being tied down to one person. Unless you want kids, this doesn't have to be a problem. I'm single in my 40s, happier single than making a lifelong commitment to any of the men I've been involved with so far. Yes, I have high standards, and that's just the way I am in every facet of life. A couple of them are still actively trying to get back together. There were many good points and I've considered it, but neither relationship quite cut the mustard for me. Single women are thriving like never before, many no longer willing to bear the weight of coupledom.

[Calmandfocused]

I agree with Ballet 100%
 

I’m sensing some issues with your attachment styles which manifests itself in flip flopping behaviour. 
 

I’m usually an advocate for “if you’re unhappy leave”, however I think this situation is less black or white. 
 

My sense is that this would happen if your boyfriend were anybody. I think the same will happen again with your next partner...  It will begin with lightening speed and after a while the GIGS will set in. The same pattern will ensue. 

I suggest you commit to yourself, work on yourself  and break  this pattern,  before you attempt to commit to others. 

[FMW]

I agree with balletomane.  You haven't broken your pattern of acting on impulse and then hanging in until you just can't take it anymore.  I know you don't want to disappoint or hurt people, but by now surely you can see that by temporarily going along and appeasing others (in this case including your boyfriend's mom), you only end up hurting them worse.  That's probably why your ex struck out in the way he did.  When you do finally end things it seems to come out of the blue.

[SumGuy]

52 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. It’s just so hard 😫 It’s always this way. I’m the bad guy. 

Not a bad guy, maybe getting into situations too fast but it take two to do this and suspect he wanted you to move in. 

In a way, how else are you going to find out deeper compatibility than moving in together or close to it?   There is no bad here, no right or wrong, just incompatibility.  Love is a "game" that is inherently risky, an balanced adult knows this.   Around the 6 month mark (or so I read) is when you get a glimpse of the more than just now with a person, a very common time for a breakup.   

On the ex-boyfriend heartbreaking and blind-siding comment. 

First there are two hearts here not just one, yours and his.  There is no "everyone is happy" answer with unrequited love.  It seems it is either his heart is broken or your spirit is.  As love is one of those things where BOTH have to be interested it is unfair for an ex to blame you for breaking his heart...it is life and you two did not BOTH fall in love.  He needs to learn to take the good times as good, to accept loving and losing and move on.  One can still have a broken heart and also take the high road (or balanced adult road) and not become bitter.

On the blind-sided, I doubt you did.  I suspect there were hints and conversations, although one deeply in love can miss the cues.  Sadly being nice and gentle about such things can lead to them being missed.  Not saying be harsh, just saying our best intentions and efforts just sometimes don't work.

As to your current situation....you know him but try not to ascribe wants and desires to him (like him pining for his days of clubbing) unless he makes it more explicit.

Now you not feeling the connection, that is perfectly fair and legitimate reason not to keep going. In fact going in the face of a lack of connection is a very, very bad idea.

It sounds like you very much gave it a try and are not basing this on barely knowing him.  You hoped, you tried, you moved in, and it is not meant to be.  Nothing says you can't still (and I hate to say it as it sounds cliché) be friends to the degree he can handle it.  If this guy is wise he should realize that you could be his best "wing man" ever.   Woman will ask how he is, you can give him a great review and it was you not him.   He'll get over this and he should want (and deserves) someone who is also completely in to him...if he "forces" this to continue he is just setting himself up to be resented.  You can still be there for his mom as that friendship should not depend on dating her son.

Now if this is truly, truly selfless love on his part...he knows the best thing to do is let you go.

P.S. Just want to say (1) an ex-boyfriend telling tales to a current boyfriend is total BS and childish (unless the ex and current boyfriend were good friends).  (2) I find it very odd a marriage proposal after a couple of months, that seems very red flag except in certain circumstances.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

We live together in his apartment.

Why did you move in after  just a few months? Can you move back home?

[SumGuy]

17 minutes ago, FMW said:

I agree with balletomane.  You haven't broken your pattern of acting on impulse and then hanging in until you just can't take it anymore.  I know you don't want to disappoint or hurt people, but by now surely you can see that by temporarily going along and appeasing others (in this case including your boyfriend's mom), you only end up hurting them worse.  That's probably why your ex struck out in the way he did.  When you do finally end things it seems to come out of the blue.

That part may be true, appeasing can make things seem to come out of the blue.

Perhaps to change the pattern have a conversation with him.   You are allowed to be a complex human being to with weaknesses.

I too see in your posts an attachment style that is not compatible with longer term relationships.   I too think you should not so much "work on it" but at least work to understand it so your subconscious is not blind-siding you   and working against you.   Nevertheless, the cure is not in my view staying in a relationship that you find no connection in, especially where the connection is one you can articulate (here intellectual).  Connection and communication are the foundations of a long term relationship in my book.

Edited October 19, 2020 by SumGuy

[notbroken]

The longer you stay with him the worse it will be.   Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't truly love you is bad for everyone.   Honestly, you'll be doing him a favor by breaking up with him though he likely won't see that at first.  

Take things slow next time.   Also, don't expect 'fireworks' every day.   That's not real life.   You seem to thrive in the 'new relationship experience' and shutdown and find faults when 'real life' settles in.   Everyone has issues.   Decide what you can and can not live with - and don't live with someone that has deal breakers.   Yes that means you will have to wait longer before moving in together.  

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Can anyone offer some guidance 

Welcome back C&D 🙂. A few thoughts...

The "you" now is not the "you" of 10 or 15 years ago. So the "fun" clubs now seeming vapid and the need for a more intellectually stimulating partner might be part of that. IIRC you are quite smart, but don't necessarily come across that way visually - so in a way it might be inevitable that some partners don't match up for that part of you.

Moved in quite soon and he suggested marriage and "together forever" WAY too soon. You already know this, but played along anyhow. I suspect he has fairly bad insecure attachment, you may have some level of that as well, dunno.

Perhaps you have a "type" that's no longer actually your type? It's nice to "flesh out one's life" with a partner who's a bit different in terms of sociability, but there needs to be more than just that. Some of these social butterfly types are sort of "all about the parties" which gets old quickly past a certain age/maturity level. Overall, I suspect you may want to "reset your picker" and go for someone who's more mature and well-rounded.

[boymommy]

He’s an extrovert and your an introvert..in these relationships compromise is soooo key! What steps have you guys taken to do this? 
 

7 months seems fast to move in together ESPECIALLY for you an introvert. No wonder you are freaking out! The main problem I see is your different energy levels and pacing in the relationship..that can be a good balance in a relationship but it can often be something that needs compromised and worked on too. Plus it really depends on the people involved! 
 

Your boyfriend has to be willing to slow down a little..not get married, possibly even live separately perhaps, more personal space for yourselves...you in turn have to be willing to open up to him about how you are feeling about the pace of the relationship. Not just go along with everything or sweep issues under the rug but actually communicate and talk to the guy. Maybe then just maybe you might get somewhere! 
 

Obviously if you don’t feel this is the right relationship dont force yourself to stay. But I almost never tell people to leave relationships unless it just sounds so bad and cant be worked out at all. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by boymommy

[Happy Lemming]

Forgot to mention in my earlier post, if you are not going to move home to stay with your parents (upon breaking up) try to find a month to month lease on an apartment. 

Signing a long term lease (anything over 3 months) is never a good idea when you are under stress. 

[smackie9]

I'm guessing you want a relationship so bad you figure if you do these steps ie: moving in, it will all fall into place. When fools rush in.....

Be honest, bail out, move on. It's life is all. Better to figure it out now rather than be unhappily married for years.

[Andy_K]

Why do you continue to do this? You post, read the replies, say they’re very useful, and then completely ignore all of the advice and repeat the same patterns over and over again. You’re smarter than that so act like it.
 

Everyone said you moved too fast and the guy was too insecure/clingy, and here you are again Feeling the same way you’ve felt before. You need to break up with this guy, but more importantly you need to stop dating completely until you figure out why you’re completely incapable of setting boundaries and being honest with the guys you date. Why are you attracted to guys who are fundamentally a bad match for you? What do you REALLY want from a relationship? (Hint: a good one will make you feel free, not smothered) What do you want your life to look like a year from now? 

[boymommy]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I agree with Ballet 100%
 

I’m sensing some issues with your attachment styles which manifests itself in flip flopping behaviour. 
 

I’m usually an advocate for “if you’re unhappy leave”, however I think this situation is less black or white. 
 

My sense is that this would happen if your boyfriend were anybody. I think the same will happen again with your next partner...  It will begin with lightening speed and after a while the GIGS will set in. The same pattern will ensue. 

I suggest you commit to yourself, work on yourself  and break  this pattern,  before you attempt to commit to others. 

This is spot on. I had to do some very serious work after my divorce because I had similar issues. Therapy has been super helpful!

Edited October 19, 2020 by boymommy

[basil67]

Cookies, you need to end this and continue working on yourself.

However, I'm alarmed that you alienated him from his friends.   You may not like his friends, but it's not your place to try and change a man into something you like better. 

From his angle, he's (unwisely) dumped his friends on the premise that you're not going anywhere, he's pushed down his extravert personality to suit you... and now you're about to depart and leave him with a shattered friend group.    Please be aware that when he reaches out to his friends again, they will judge you very harshly for your actions.   And this guy will go back to your ex and say "Oh man, I'm sorry, I should have listened to you.  My heart is broken and so is my friend group".   You won't come out of this smelling like roses.

[lana-banana]

Since everyone else has offered you lots of good long-term emotional advice (please print out Andy's post above and nail it to your forehead), I'll stick to the practical.

1. Start looking for apartments now. This guy is superbly clingy and will be very difficult about it, so you need to be prepared to bounce ASAP. 

2. Be sure you have a friend or a family member you can stay with the night you drop the hammer. DO NOT stay there overnight after you have broken up. Once you're broken up you should only be over there to pack and move your things. Get a friend or hire a mover to do it if you have to.

3. For the love of God please stop throwing yourself into obviously unstable situations. I know you love the attention, validation, etc, but it's really not worth this.

[snowboy91]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

However, I'm alarmed that you alienated him from his friends.   You may not like his friends, but it's not your place to try and change a man into something you like better. 

From his angle, he's (unwisely) dumped his friends on the premise that you're not going anywhere, he's pushed down his extravert personality to suit you... and now you're about to depart and leave him with a shattered friend group.    Please be aware that when he reaches out to his friends again, they will judge you very harshly for your actions.   And this guy will go back to your ex and say "Oh man, I'm sorry, I should have listened to you.  My heart is broken and so is my friend group".   You won't come out of this smelling like roses.

This. Although I may also note that I don't think it's a deliberate action by Cookies to try and pull him from his friends - it's more that he can sense that his outgoing nature isn't 100% compatible with someone who is a homebody, so he is putting pressure on himself to change for the sake of the relationship. And he may find himself bored and isolated, which may build resentment. It's a bad habit I get myself into in relationships as well, so I can understand how that happens.