Breaking up with my bf seems impossible

[poppyfields]

Hi cookies, I hope you will update with how things are going.  And agree, this sounds like the easiest and most amicable break up in the history of break ups, I hope it's not the calm before the storm and it all hits him later?  

His response was almost too calm and rational especially since you were engaged and all.  But we shall see, hope it's all okay.

How are you enjoying your new-found freedom?  Are you on any apps or going to take a break for a bit?  

[Miss Spider]

Thanks, guys. Yeah.
 

He hasn’t texted since yesterday evening.  I woke up with great morale  today and for awhile forgot he existed( that definitely removed any doubt if this break up was a good idea).

 

I don’t think he understands though that we are broken up. I said “nothing will take away from what we had” (dramatic, I know)

He replied, “Have”

 I told him I’m done and coming to get my things next week. Hope he understands that. 

Think I might wait a week or two if I join any apps 

But yea, will keep it updated. Thank you 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[notbroken]

You reap what you sow.  If you continue to 'sow/plant' quick engagements, forcing relationships,  wandering eyes, etc you will continue to get the same.   After any relationship 'explosion' we should all analyze our own role in it and hopefully not make the same mistakes.  That can be very difficult.   We are who we are - but that is not a good reason to make the same mistakes over and over. 

 

[Crazelnut]

He doesn't think you're broken up for good. All the more reason to stop all contact and don't try to be "friends."

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, sounds like just as my ex is doing, he'll just keep trying to get back together. I told my ex very clearly that I feel we have deep-seated incompatibilities, it's over, wished him every happiness, and he's still trying 4 months later. I could ask him to stop contacting me entirely, but I haven't gone that far yet. So be prepared for this and how you'll deal with it. Since you said you feel it's not completely over yet, you may end up going another round or two with him. And who knows, maybe it could work out. Just be 100% honest with yourself and clear in your communications.

It's great he's handling things in a mature, calm way. 

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thanks, guys. Yeah.
 

He hasn’t texted since yesterday evening.  I woke up with great morale  today and for awhile forgot he existed( that definitely removed any doubt if this break up was a good idea).

 

I don’t think he understands though that we are broken up. I said “nothing will take away from what we had” (dramatic, I know)

He replied, “Have”

 I told him I’m done and coming to get my things next week. Hope he understands that. 

Think I might wait a week or two if I join any apps 

But yea, will keep it updated. Thank you 

How you feel now isnt how you may feel in the future. It may be a good idea to set a boundary that he may not be there when you come get your things (or go during a time when you know he wont be). 
 

I agree being friends wont work right now because he is still in the “trying to win you back” phase. Just let the dust settle. Who knows what could happen in either of your futures. 

[mark clemson]

Taking a step back and reframing a few things. Not the only way to think about these things but possible ways:

1) Not what we "had", what we "have". A 9/10 level girl can do a lot for a guy, and many have difficulty letting them go. You no doubt already know this, but people have only so many strategies for keeping GFs/BFs around who don't really want to be there (or perhaps "aren't sure") and persistent pleading is one of them. Some of the others tend to be even more negative, so keep an eye on this.

2) Generally speaking, one is not "the bad guy" for ending a relationship that isn't working. Some people make the dumper out to be that because they feel hurt and some might even go so far as to put the dumper on an unnecessary permanent guilt trip over doing what actually makes sense for the situation. I suspect it's often more a way of perpetually lashing out over hurt feelings than speaking truth.

3) IIRC, you don't want kids. Absent that, you might consider why it is that you feel LTRs are necessary for you. Parents? Societal expectations? You're "a failure" somehow if you don't have one?  Remember, something in the ballpark of half of marriages end in divorce and some % that stay together are perpetually miserable. Just saying that true LTRs aren't for everyone. In the end it may be more "mature" to recognize and accept how you actually are than to trying to force yourself to conform to a societal norm that doesn't actually fit you well. If you feel "how you are" is wrong for what you want, then "adjusting" that would require some substantial effort, e.g. via sustained therapy, and with no guarantee of success.

Just some food for thought...

Edited October 21, 2020 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

I found this on a google search, which you may find interesting as well...

https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/short-term-relationship-pattern

[boymommy]

24 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I found this on a google search, which you may find interesting as well...

https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/short-term-relationship-pattern

This is good! OP would be what we would consider a “fearful avoidant” (in terms of attachment style) which is a person who basically wants a relationship but at the same time fearful if it. These people have a history of shorter term relationships and breaking up with people when they see “incompatibilities.” The more the person tries to get them back, the more that affirms their belief that they want as far away from them as possible..hence it creates a push/pull cycle with the ex partner. 
 

Opposites attract so most likely OP is attracting anxious pre-occupied men into a relationship which is contributing to push/pull cycle. I have (ironically) been on both ends on cycle depending on who I am dating..if the person is more anxious I am the fearful avoidant one, if the person is more avoidant (dismissive, disorganized, or fearful avoidant) then I am the anxious one. No matter what I get into the push/pull cycle on either end. My current work involves becoming more secure to prevent that! OP should do the same! 

Edited October 21, 2020 by boymommy

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, boymommy said:

This is good! OP would be what we would consider a “fearful avoidant” (in terms of attachment style) which is a person who basically wants a relationship but at the same time fearful if it.

I'm glad you liked it. You may well be correct about C&D having an attachment style issue (or at least tendency), although I would note that "diagnosing" these things is tricky and there are other possibilities (such as she is attracted to/selects men who aren't good LT partners for her, or some of the other issues mentioned in the article). My overall thought is this would be something for a therapist to determine (if C&D is interested in that). Certainly she has some avoidant tendencies, but many people have tendencies and as you (IMO correctly) point out they can even vary somewhat depending on the "chemistry" with different partners.

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I'm glad you liked it. You may well be correct about C&D having an attachment style issue (or at least tendency), although I would note that "diagnosing" these things is tricky and there are other possibilities (such as she is attracted to/selects men who aren't good LT partners for her, or some of the other issues mentioned in the article). My overall thought is this would be something for a therapist to determine (if C&D is interested in that). Certainly she has some avoidant tendencies, but many people have tendencies and as you (IMO correctly) point out they can even vary somewhat depending on the "chemistry" with different partners.

I have read books and articles very similar.

I wasnt trying to diagnose because obviously I am going by what I read. I am a Masters level therapist so I may flip into that mode at times and give more clinically based advise. But obviously she should see a professional therapist to work on things (if needed/wanted). 

Edited October 21, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

Just putting it out. I spoke with my ex today. He now knows it’s really over. It was very emotional and I cried very hard. He told me that he has so much pain inside of him and that he wants to move away. I said not to do that. Not to make any rash decisions and that I would always be there for him. However, he retracted his agreement to be friends with me. He told me that when I come to get my stuff next week, he thinks it would be best if we said goodbye. He said that it would be too painful to have me in his life. That’s hurts but I respect his wishes and I respect him. 
 

i’ve learned a very powerful lesson  here. I need to be more careful with my choices in life and how they impact others. I don’t think I will ever do what I have done in the past  again
 

Thanks everyone for listening and helping.
 

fin. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Terribly sad.

tonight, I went to pick up my stuff at my ex’s place. 
He had it all organized for me in these big organizers. 
 

He told me my ex boyfriend before him  contacted him on two different social media apps(again) 

He knows all the drama that I went through with that ex. he knows how that ex made my life hell after I broke up with him.

 

he was so much more mature. He was so kind to me. Not only just organizing my stuff, but the way that he spoke to me. He told me that he completely understands why I’m doing what I’m doing. 
 

He said he was tempted to kiss me and asked jokingly maybe we should cuddle for old time sake. He was just joking though

 

. He told me that he knew I was going to break up with him. And that no one stays for long. It made me so sad. I told him that he will find the perfect person. He said “ I think I already have” We hugged more and cried. He said he thought about giving me his hoodie and I said it looks way better on him anyway. He said for something to remember him by. I said “I could never forget you”
 

I went to the bathroom to gather some other things possibly, my toothbrush was there and he asked if I want to take it or leave it in case I come back. he asked me to take a picture I had framed of us on a vacation we went on together. Cried some more.

 

It was so emotionally hard having him take my stuff to my car. And then having to say goodbye. He said if I ever change my mind...I said please don’t be a stranger, and I always got his back, but I understand if he needs time. He told me that he retracts what he said about not being friends. He was being childish at that time and thinking selfishly. He said that he wants me in his life and still loves me and always will. I said same. 
 

It’s sad to think that I will never see him again. But feeling this has taught me so much. The damage that I can do with such innocent seeming actions is quite repulsive and frightening. I never want to ever go through this again. I must be much more cautious. More self aware. I feel very self-aware now. I guess that is the one good thing to come from this
 

 

 

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s sad to think that I will never see him again. But feeling this has taught me so much. The damage that I can do with such innocent seeming actions is quite repulsive and frightening. I never want to ever go through this again. I must be much more cautious. More self aware. I feel very self-aware now. I guess that is the one good thing to come from this

As others here have warned you, if you don't learn from these relationship patterns that you create with your choices, you will never change the outcome of your romantic relationships. They will all follow the set pattern you've created.

Best place to start is with therapy. Find out why you do this. A good therapist will help you to identify triggers and help you recognize why you create the patterns that you do with your interpersonal relationships.

[Wiseman2]

Glad it ended well and without drama. Hopefully the abusive former ex is completely out of your life.

[spiderowl]

On 10/20/2020 at 7:37 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Boy mommy, I am not saying you’re wrong, but why can’t it be he’s just not compatible with me and I find him boring? He’s purty, but I’ve always struggled to have a deep conversation with him. He’s extroverted and friendly. I like quiet, misanthropic men. He’s too fit for my preference. I don’t really share much of his sense of humor. He used to hang out with his friends in clubs and I don’t like those places. List goes on
 

 Yes , I find dating exciting and fun, but I would love to find someone perfect for me that I don’t tire of . And it’s not like dating others is my primary reason for leaving. I’ve been at my parents for a day now, completely alone, and I feel so peaceful and at ease. Not having to consider what anyone else wants or needs. Wear whatever I want.  It’s like if I could erase him my life would be so much better 

Hi S, regarding the above and the incompatibilities you mention, could you not see these before you moved  in with him and got involved? Someone being an extrovert is usually pretty obvious as is not being able to have deep and interesting conversations. 

Whatever has happened this time, you need to assess the person you are seeing better. What factors did you consider when you met him and had the first few dates - was it just looks, physical attraction, status? Ask yourself what you felt made him right for you initially.

Maybe forcing yourself to live apart until a year has passed will give you time to see any incompatibilities. At the moment, you seem to go with the initial attraction and ignore everything else.

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by spiderowl

[FMW]

There were lots of indications in that conversation that he isn't ready to believe it's over.  Don't gloss over those.  You can't just be friends with him, it will hurt him and make him believe he still has a chance.  Your awareness has to include not only what you are doing but how it's being received and interpreted by the other person.  It's much more kind and caring to stay away from them than to be so gentle about it that they think the door is still open a little.   

[Ruby Slippers]

When a guy is really into you, he won't just be friends with you anytime soon. He'll try every angle possible to be your man again.

You might be able to be friends with him someday, but you need at least a few months and probably longer with no contact to let go of the romance and move on.

[mark clemson]

On 11/2/2020 at 5:32 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He said he was tempted to kiss me and asked jokingly maybe we should cuddle for old time sake. He was just joking though

Unlikely IMO SSLL. He knows the writing is on the wall, but he's hoping he can erase it.

There will probably be at least one or two more tries. Don't blame him too much - it can be hard to let go.

[dangerous]

On 11/4/2020 at 7:51 PM, FMW said:

There were lots of indications in that conversation that he isn't ready to believe it's over.  Don't gloss over those.  You can't just be friends with him, it will hurt him and make him believe he still has a chance.  Your awareness has to include not only what you are doing but how it's being received and interpreted by the other person.  It's much more kind and caring to stay away from them than to be so gentle about it that they think the door is still open a little.   

Agree with this.

OP I was shocked by your assessment of the situation that the break went smoothly and he accepts it etc. It indicates to me a total disconnect with reality on your part. This is all about you, you are kidding yourself that you are considering him in any of this. 

Please do NOT jump into another relationship, but take time alone to sort YOURSELF and decide what it is you need and want. Otherwise you will continue with broken relationships and hearts in your wake.

Edited November 14, 2020 by dangerous

[Miss Spider]

Thanks, guys. My ex bf wanted to be friends, but he would text me every day, so in light of what people said about not being friends, I ended up just blocking him. If I am being honest I really did not want to talk to him anymore and I did not really see the point in engaging in conversation with him. I felt bad about telling him this though because I had broken up with him and he wanted to stay friends. 
 

 

anyway, I noticed that he was trying to follow me on another account that I have. But I just ignored it and carried on.

I received a text from his mother whom I became very close to throughout our relationship. It said this: 

 

“I just want to tell you we miss your smile around here. I’m sorry for the attitude Jim had a few nights while you were with us.  He certainly has been struggling with retirement and it affects all of us.  I don’t know the answer to this.  Anyway, your presence made our lives better.  Thank you for being so nice and caring.  ( Dog)  wasn’t the only one waiting for you and xxxx to come over !!!  Sending you good thoughts and hope for great success at school!  Also, please do visit us when you can.  We sincerely miss you. “

It was very nice so I wrote her back a text that was about five times longer. Just telling her how much I appreciate her and miss her, her family,  and her son. It was extremely heartfelt. I noticed she had read it and she never responded to it. It kind a got to me but I was like ‘eh whatever.’ 
 

About a week ago I noticed that I still had some thing of some value to her that I had borrowed from her. I decided to put it in her mailbox. She lives about a half hour out of the way. I did not stop inside.

she messaged me asking if I put the item in her mailbox. I said yes I did. She said”You drove all the way here and didn’t come in.  Wow.”

 

Was that really necessary? Was what I did really that bad? Because I told her the reason I didn’t come in is because I think that it is really inappropriate at this time. Didn’t mean to offend her but I don’t know what she expects from me or our relationship now that I am not dating her son. I don’t know

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

she messaged me asking if I put the item in her mailbox. I said yes I did. She said”You drove all the way here and didn’t come in.  Wow.”

Was that really necessary?

I think "Thank You" for bringing it would have been more appropriate. However, she probably likes you and the not coming in stung her a bit at some level. She feels you are friends. So she lashed out a bit.

Since you have no intent of staying with the xBF, I'm sure you'll have little trouble letting this become water under the bridge. You will likely have 0 to do with this woman going forward anyhow. C'est la vie.