Breaking up with my bf seems impossible

[Miss Spider]

Thank you, all. I do listen to the advice, but this is stuff I learned too late, after I got tangled up.  I told him he can go out with those people but he said that he wants to hang with me. Not my fault. Oh well I never come out looking good. 

Today I told him I was staying home because I needed to spend some time with my mom. He said he np but he will miss me. He got me a wagyu steak for dinner and had a “surprise” for me. I felt too guilty. We said ily bye. 
 

So it didn’t gonna work. We’re still together for now. I feel stuck short of starting to become  the most chitty, annoying gf ever so that he is the one who dumps me. 
 
 

Thank you again . So tired 

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

This. Although I may also note that I don't think it's a deliberate action by Cookies to try and pull him from his friends - it's more that he can sense that his outgoing nature isn't 100% compatible with someone who is a homebody, so he is putting pressure on himself to change for the sake of the relationship. And he may find himself bored and isolated, which may build resentment. It's a bad habit I get myself into in relationships as well, so I can understand how that happens.

 

Yes ... that is what I think is happening. I take it that you’re the extrovert. I would tell him to go out with friends but I think he’d feel bad about it. He quit this job bartending at this club ( he made $500 a night) because I got kind of annoyed he went there. Even though I hid it, he could tell. 
 

I feel like he’s trying to appease me by saying he doesn’t need them or want that in his life and he only did that because he hadn’t found the right person and was lonely.  But that was his life before me.  He could have been doing other things. I have been lonely before and I’d never hang out with a bunch of cardboard people. I just don’t think I’m compatible with someone who went to the clubs after 25 and partied each weekend/often in that type of atmosphere/ those kinds of people. I’m not saying that I think I’m better, just incompatible. I wouldn’t mind going out with him if the people and places were not those ones. I get the sense he’s bored with none of his old friends in his life.

[snowboy91]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes ... that is what I think is happening. I take it that you’re the extrovert. I would tell him to go out with friends but I think he’d feel bad about it. He quit this job bartending at this club ( he made $500 a night) because I got kind of annoyed he went there. Even though I hid it, he could tell. 
 

I feel like he’s trying to appease me by saying he doesn’t need them or want that in his life and he only did that because he hadn’t found the right person and was lonely.  But that was his life before me.  He could have been doing other things. I have been lonely before and I’d never hang out with a bunch of cardboard people. I just don’t think I’m compatible with someone who went to the clubs after 25 and partied each weekend/often in that type of atmosphere/ those kinds of people. I’m not saying that I think I’m better, just incompatible. I wouldn’t mind going out with him if the people and places were not those ones. I get the sense he’s bored with none of his old friends in his life.

Yeah, I'm the extrovert!

Bit in bold - From his perspective that's not a very healthy attitude to have. No-one can expect a romantic partner to be the only one to fulfil all of their social needs - it's an enormous amount of pressure on said partner (in this case you), and isn't good for (his) general wellbeing.

I'd hope you agree, even as an introvert, that it's good and fulfilling to have your own friends outside the relationship. If he's denying that, then either he is forcing himself to withdraw from his friends to appease you (because he thinks he should, not because you said he should) and thus lying to himself, or he genuinely thinks right now that the relationship is more important. But sooner or later his extrovert side will be unsatisfied, and he may start to feel lonely, depressed or frustrated, and he may blame you for it when it was his own doing. Not to mention he'll hide parts of his personality - inadvertently including those parts that made you attracted to him in the first place.

Kudos to you for picking this up though - some wouldn't notice. But he will continue to pour his heart and soul into this relationship while you're sitting on the fence (and he won't notice that), which isn't fair to him.

[Happy Lemming]

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I feel stuck short of starting to become  the most chitty, annoying gf ever so that he is the one who dumps me. 

I hate to admit this, but I've taken this route from the other side of the fence.

In some instances, I found it better for the woman to dump me if I wanted out of the relationship, as it became her idea and she was the dumper.  It always seemed like less hassle and drama/trauma if the woman was the dumper. (just my two cents, here)

I'd purposely be late for a date or plan some date that was very male-centric (car shows, drag races, Home Improvement Product trade shows, etc.), really cheap restaurants, ignore her during the week and other nuisance behavior that I knew would get under her skin.  Oddly, it really didn't take that much to "plant the seed of doubt" and I was dumped fairly quickly.

I'm not 100% sure that tact will work for you @Cookiesandough.  I imagine if you stop having sex with him along with being annoying, etc. he might get the idea that he'd be better off without you, but I kind of doubt it.

[Ruby Slippers]

It would take a lot. Men generally put up with way more crap than women, as it's usually harder for men to find somebody else, especially if attraction is high. 

[SumGuy]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I hate to admit this, but I've taken this route from the other side of the fence.

In some instances, I found it better for the woman to dump me if I wanted out of the relationship, as it became her idea and she was the dumper.  It always seemed like less hassle and drama/trauma if the woman was the dumper. (just my two cents, here)

I'd purposely be late for a date or plan some date that was very male-centric (car shows, drag races, Home Improvement Product trade shows, etc.), really cheap restaurants, ignore her during the week and other nuisance behavior that I knew would get under her skin.  Oddly, it really didn't take that much to "plant the seed of doubt" and I was dumped fairly quickly.

I'm not 100% sure that tact will work for you @Cookiesandough.  I imagine if you stop having sex with him along with being annoying, etc. he might get the idea that he'd be better off without you, but I kind of doubt it.

Yikes!   Talk about passive-aggressive and pretty sure you did not come out better in her mind than if you had just been honest and empathetic.   You do realize not everyone is oblivious to this behavior.

[stillafool]

Hi Cookie glad you're back but sorry about your problem with this new guy.  How old is he?  Sounds too immature for you, plus his mother is wrong to ask you to not leave her son.  She should be worried more about her own relationship.  You moved way too fast with this engagement especially knowing how you are.  Cookie you need to be consistently in love with a guy for at least a year before you make a move to go further.  You fall out of love too fast.  You remind me of myself at your age.  Stop playing with men's hearts (I know you don't mean to) because some of them get crazy when it's time to let you go.  It's better to stay single until you find someone that your heart can't live without.

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

 You do realize not everyone is oblivious to this behavior.

My plan worked most of the time, but not every time.  You are correct, sometimes I had tell the woman that I no longer wanted to see her.

21 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Talk about passive-aggressive and pretty sure you did not come out better in her mind than if you had just been honest and empathetic.  

I never really cared what she thought of me or if I came out "better in her mind".  My goal was to make it out with little to no drama/trauma.  Once I've decided to get out or had gotten out, I've never cared what she said to me or about me, and certainly never cared what her opinion of me was.

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Happy Lemming
verb tense

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I hate to admit this, but I've taken this route from the other side of the fence.

In some instances, I found it better for the woman to dump me if I wanted out of the relationship, as it became her idea and she was the dumper.  It always seemed like less hassle and drama/trauma if the woman was the dumper. (just my two cents, here)

I'd purposely be late for a date or plan some date that was very male-centric (car shows, drag races, Home Improvement Product trade shows, etc.), really cheap restaurants, ignore her during the week and other nuisance behavior that I knew would get under her skin.  Oddly, it really didn't take that much to "plant the seed of doubt" and I was dumped fairly quickly.

 

Unfortunately a lot of men use this tactic to get women to break up with them.  This has been used forever rather than just telling them you no longer want to be bothered.😒

[boymommy]

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you, all. I do listen to the advice, but this is stuff I learned too late, after I got tangled up.  I told him he can go out with those people but he said that he wants to hang with me. Not my fault. Oh well I never come out looking good. 

Today I told him I was staying home because I needed to spend some time with my mom. He said he np but he will miss me. He got me a wagyu steak for dinner and had a “surprise” for me. I felt too guilty. We said ily bye. 
 

So it didn’t gonna work. We’re still together for now. I feel stuck short of starting to become  the most chitty, annoying gf ever so that he is the one who dumps me. 
 
 

Thank you again . So tired 

What didnt work? Sounds like a good compromise to me. He got to go out and he got you a steak dinner and you got to stay in like you wanted. Where is your guilt coming from? Space is healthy in a relationship. Doing your own thing is healthy in a relationship. Do you understand that you the two of you can compromise and be your own people but still remain a couple? 

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Unfortunately a lot of men use this tactic to get women to break up with them.  This has been used forever rather than just telling them you no longer want to be bothered.😒

You know... if women wouldn't become vindictive and petty when being dumped, I'd have no problem being honest and telling them I no longer wished to see them, but that hasn't been my experience.

I've dated some women that became complete vindictive "nut jobs" when they got dumped.  The hair on the back of neck still stands up when I think about this one woman that I dumped and the hell I went through.  

Lesson learned... let the woman be the dumper (if at all possible).

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

 Once I've decided to get out or have gotten out, I've never cared what she said to me or about me, and certainly never cared what her opinion of me was.

That's^ actually not a bad attitude to have Lemming, BUT what I'm wondering is, if that's true, why the slow painful fade out (for her)?  

Why not just a quick text saying things aren't working, wish you well.   Then block?  Easy peasy, done.  No drama.

I would think the slow fade like breaking dates and treating her like crap would cause way more drama/trauma (before she decided  to dump you) than just a simple text ending it, then blocking would.

I mean, didn't the woman hassle you while you were doing your slow fade and treating her like *?  Question you, get angry, cause drama?  

I dunno, I'm all for doing what works, I'm just not quite understanding your rationale for ending things that way.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Why not just a quick text saying things aren't working, wish you well.   Then block?

 

How does "blocking" stop a nut job from keying your car or spray painting it??  And yes that has happened to me.

Oddly, I found Purple PVC pipe cleaner/primer will remove fresh spray paint, as long as it hasn't had a lot of time to cure.

Just a fun fact for those who may need it.

[Miss Spider]

42 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I hate to admit this, but I've taken this route from the other side of the fence.

In some instances, I found it better for the woman to dump me if I wanted out of the relationship, as it became her idea and she was the dumper.  It always seemed like less hassle and drama/trauma if the woman was the dumper. (just my two cents, here)

[b]I'd purposely be late for a date or plan some date that was very male-centric (car shows, drag races, Home Improvement Product trade shows, etc.), really cheap restaurants, ignore her during the week and other nuisance behavior that I knew would get under her skin. [/b] Oddly, it really didn't take that much to "plant the seed of doubt" and I was dumped fairly quickly.

I'm not 100% sure that tact will work for you @Cookiesandough.  I imagine if you stop having sex with him along with being annoying, etc. he might get the idea that he'd be better off without you, but I kind of doubt it.

That’s kind of funny(obviously the bold part and not that you were driven to do that). I was partly kidding with that. I don’t think I could do that, personally. 

I haven’t been on the other side (yet), I think it’s always less hassle and drama for the dumpee, granted you are someone with functioning empathy and compassion. Unless the dumpee does something really messed up, the dumper is always the villain of the tale. No one has any sympathy for them, even though the whole thing can be traumatic for them too.
 

I have a ton of things I need to get out of our apartment downtown (btw, I’m moving back with my parents where I am happiest, to answer that question). I don’t regret moving in. I would have dumped him regardless. It just made it easier at the time, but now I have to quietly  consolidate and pluck all my stuff out ( I don’t really have much large furniture, mostly clothes and trinkets), so that when it finally does and there is not this huge, awkward ordeal like it has been in my past. My other ex got down on knees and started bawling. It’s so hard for me to hurt someone or even think I did. It makes my stomach ill for a long time. 

 

Thanks, everyone, for the insight 🙏 JFC, the things I do to myself 

 

[Miss Spider]

10 minutes ago, boymommy said:

What didnt work? Sounds like a good compromise to me. He got to go out and he got you a steak dinner and you got to stay in like you wanted. Where is your guilt coming from? Space is healthy in a relationship. Doing your own thing is healthy in a relationship. Do you understand that you the two of you can compromise and be your own people but still remain a couple? 

I can’t see other people, though. I think I really want to. I miss the excitement of a new connection, but more than that I don’t think we have the right connection. Guilt is coming from the idea that this is going to hurt him 

 

Also, we didn’t go out. He brought him steak home, but I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning. I’ve so felt better this last day than I have with him. I’ve been home at my parents house, but I see him tonight 

 

P.s. did say “it’s okay if you want to take a break” he said “no breaks”

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

How does "blocking" stop a nut job from keying your car or spray painting it??  And yes that has happened to me.

I still dont get it.  I mean a nutjob is still a nutjob whether you end it quickly with a text or by slow fading and treating her like crap.

I've known women who, when being slow faded and treated like garbage by their boyfriends, caused major drama for their boyfriends, one woman cried rape, her boyfriend was arrested, charges later dropped.  

Another woman set fire to her boyfriend's home when she saw another woman's car parked in front.

Just two examples, I work in the legal field, I have more.  😂

I would imagine the slow fade is quite crazy-making for the woman, but if that approach has worked for you, so be!

 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 (btw, I’m moving back with my parents where I am happiest, to answer that question).

 

That is good news... I was worried about apartments in general & you having to sign a one year lease.

In the past, I've sometimes had difficulty finding a month-to-month apartment.  Some complexes charge a hefty premium to go month to month.

Your parents sound like good people!!

[Ruby Slippers]

I see the sense in a man doing the passive-aggressive dump maneuver. It sort of helps the woman save face when she gets to make the call. But it doesn't tend to work as well for the woman to try this approach. 

I understand why you're doing this gradual fade. I've also experienced men getting very emotional during breakups, and it seems if you can kinda drop bigger and bigger hints it's less sudden and traumatic.

Breakups are never easy, though. Once the transition settles, hopefully you'll reflect on your patterns and try to improve so you can stop hurting people like this. (((hug)))

[Miss Spider]

 People do a lot of messed up things out of spite/jealousy/passion. If you make them believe they’re the ones getting rid of you because you’re an undesirable person to date, they’re less likely to act out against you than if they believe you’re getting rid of them bc you don’t want them. It’s twisted, but it makes sense to me. 
My ex stole my last dog bc he became psycho when I started dating his friend. I bet if he dumped me he’d never have done that. I would still have my dog 😔

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I still dont get it.  I mean a nutjob is still a nutjob whether you end it quickly with a text or by slow fading and treating her like crap.

 

I think (and this is just my working theory) if the woman is the dumper she gets to brag to her girlfriends that I turned out to be a loser and she'll get a better guy in no time.  I guess she gets to "save face" within her tribe of women friends if she initiated the break-up.

 

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've known women who, when being slow faded and treated like garbage by their boyfriends, caused major drama for their boyfriends, one woman cried rape, her boyfriend was arrested, charges later dropped.  

Another woman set fire to her boyfriend's home when she saw another woman's car parked in front.

 

I've been lucky enough to not have that stuff happen to me.  Again (for me), the slow fade (as you put it) seemed to work best.

All of that nonsense is in my very distant past. 

 

[FMW]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Guilt is coming from the idea that this is going to hurt him 

Since this is a repeating theme for you, you need to stop and pay attention in the future.  Stop rushing into relationships on impulse.  If you really don't want to hurt others, stop acting in a way that has repeatedly resulted in doing so.  Take control and responsibility.  Learn to say no.  It's much kinder than what you've been doing.  

Most of us have probably been guilty of passive aggressive  actions in relationships before, but I certainly don't think they should ever be planned or seen as the way to deal with things.  Failing to be clear and honest results in these situations.  Sure, there are some people who can go a little nuts, but if you repeatedly are getting involved with those people, I think it probably has more to do with your own choices/actions than what everyone else's norm is.  

[boymommy]

16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I can’t see other people, though. I think I really want to. I miss the excitement of a new connection, but more than that I don’t think we have the right connection. Guilt is coming from the idea that this is going to hurt him 

 

Also, we didn’t go out. He brought him steak home, but I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning. I’ve so felt better this last day than I have with him. I’ve been home at my parents house, but I see him tonight 

 

P.s. did say “it’s okay if you want to take a break” he said “no breaks”

I must have misunderstood your post. But at any rate I do think I get whats going on. The main issue is that you seem to really like the “newness” of the relationship which is why you seem to gravitate towards more anxious people who come on stronger. 
 

BUT even these people settle into a holding pattern after awhile and its only natural for that to fade. I think you will honestly be hard pressed to find any relationship that does not develop into a more mature type of love and committment. If I were you I would get out of this relationship and do some soul searching to figure out who you are and what you want. And please try to not get into another serious relationship with anyone else until you do that! 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

  Sure, there are some people who can go a little nuts, but if you repeatedly are getting involved with those people, I think it probably has more to do with your own choices/actions than what everyone else's norm is.  

Fair enough... but there are some very professional woman that "during the day" seem quite normal and responsible. I mean... yes if I dated a stripper I'd expect such behavior.

One of the worst offenders was a woman who had a PHD and worked a very high end job. 

Its really hard to judge a book by its cover and sometimes "the crazy" doesn't come out right away then you are in too deep.

[mark clemson]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've known women who, when being slow faded and treated like garbage by their boyfriends, caused major drama for their boyfriends, one woman cried rape, her boyfriend was arrested, charges later dropped.  

Another woman set fire to her boyfriend's home when she saw another woman's car parked in front. Just two examples, I work in the legal field, I have more.  😂

I would imagine the slow fade is quite crazy-making for the woman, but if that approach has worked for you, so be!

I think (for these cases) the crazy comes from THEM, not from the specific technique used to break up. Your breakup "hurts" them, so they feel some sort of privilege to hurt you right back. Realism and social convention are temporarily tossed out the window.

The degree to which you avoid "the crazy" in a breakup with a person like this probably simply varies somewhat randomly in how they experience it. So, one might be less crazy from a slow fade, another might be less crazy from a direct conversation.

In other words, while I understand making efforts, I don't think it's actually possible to "control" the breakup crazy by using a specific breakup method or attempting to engineer a soft landing for them.

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think (for these cases) the crazy comes from THEM, not from the specific technique used to break up. Your breakup "hurts" them, so they feel some sort of privilege to hurt you right back. Realism and social convention are temporarily tossed out the window.

The degree to which you avoid "the crazy" in a breakup with a person like this probably simply varies somewhat randomly in how they experience it. So, one might be less crazy from a slow fade, another might be less crazy from a direct conversation.

In other words, while I understand making efforts, I don't think it's actually possible to "control" the breakup crazy by using a specific breakup method or attempting to engineer a soft landing for them.

What about if you let yourself go,  stop cleaning up after yourself, start being really boring in bed, spend all your free time on the couch belching,  drinking, and laughing obnoxiously and explaining in real time the season of  impractical jokers you’re watching and forcing them to watch it with you? 

 

I was thinking maybe there is a way to become so insufferable that the other  person not only   has to break up with you, but they are relieved and actually  pity you and the next person that you are with

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough