Breaking up with my bf seems impossible

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

What about if you let yourself go,  stop cleaning up after yourself, start being really boring in bed, spend all your free time on the couch belching,  drinking, and laughing obnoxiously and explaining in real time the season of  impractical jokers you’re watching and forcing them to watch it with you?

Guy code book, page 86. Almost word for word...  (LOL)

[mark clemson]

23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I was thinking maybe there is a way to become so insufferable that the other  person not only   has to break up with you, but they are relieved and actually  pity you and the next person that you are with

I suppose that is possible. You never know what someone else will tolerate though, so you might have to take the act a LOT farther than you ever thought/expected. You could literally waste years via the "boiling frog" effect until they've finally had enough. Probably not worth it. Combining this with a slow fade as per HappyLemming might work a bit better.

If it's "the crazy" you're worried about, I doubt even the above would work unless you are successful in forcing them to break up with you (via distaste/disappointment).

Edited October 20, 2020 by mark clemson

[Crazelnut]

CandD, please stop with this passive-aggressive nonsense about becoming unpleasant so he'll break up with you. It's immature. Just be honest but kind and tell him the truth. Use this as an opportunity to grow.

Also, I don't think you've really addressed the main problem -- you jumping into an intense relationship waaaay too soon.  

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

...My goal was to make it out with little to no drama/trauma. ...

to you. I think you forgot to say.  Clearly the amount of drama/trauma the other person went through is of zero concern or importance.  In fact sounds like you create extra drama and inflict trauma to get them to break up with you.  So it is more a maximum drama and trauma situation, for them.

The thought process: "I want out so I start treating the other person like sh*t so they break up with me to avoid inconvenience for me."  I'd call that thought process immoral, sociopathic, shameless, cowardly and downright actively abusive...as you take active steps to be unpleasant as possible, create drama, inflict trauma.   

Unless this person was abusing you and this was the only way to safely exit can see no justification for this.

Just because it worked doesn't mean they are not on to you, in fact it is when it doesn't work is when they are not on to you and foolishly think you are decent human being and they can work at the relationship.    

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

 I'd call that thought process immoral, sociopathic, shameless, cowardly and downright actively abusive...as you take active steps to be unpleasant as possible, create drama, inflict trauma.  

Being late and a few crappy dates does not a sociopath make...

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but I won't have to clean spray paint off my car again.

[balletomane]

Cookies, you don't seem to see the problem here. You think the problem is the relationship. It isn't. It's impulsivity and immature thinking more generally.

I noticed this same issue when you got engaged to this guy. Just a couple of weeks prior you had been on a date with another man, a homeless man with severe mental illness, whom you described as someone you had a rare, one of a kind connection with. When you announced your engagement, I assumed you meant to this man. You reassured us that it wasn't him, as though this made the situation so much better. It was clear that you thought the issue had been with that particular man's homelessness and psychological state, not the fact that you had gone from feeling a supposedly rare connection with one struggling immature guy to getting engaged to another struggling immature guy in the space of weeks. And now you're acting in the same way, as though the problem here is how to get out of the relationship. It isn't. The problem is how to resolve the immature unhealthy behaviour that got you into this situation in the first place, and the answer to that isn't manipulation and unpleasant game-playing. That's just a different symptom of the same problem.

[Happy Lemming]

@Cookiesandough Did he give you an engagement ring??  If so, you need to return it.

[normal person]

On 10/19/2020 at 12:03 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. It’s just so hard 😫 It’s always this way. I’m the bad guy. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall previous attempts to sway you from these sorts of situations with slow, practical, measured approaches were met with apprehension. You seem to think taking a slower, calculated path with someone is boring or "meh." Well, this is the downside of doing things your way. You're frequently in these positions and you're unsatisfied, trapped, and unhappy. As someone else said in a great post, maybe it's finally time for you to break the pattern. Next time, try not to rush into things so quickly. You might not have that same level of excitement that comes with uncertainty, but in the end you won't end up with the same level of confusion and despair that making big moves in such situations usually lands you.

I also think you need to ask yourself why you keep getting yourself into these spots. What are you looking for? Are you honestly looking to find happiness in love or are you looking for the excitement that comes with these chaotic, dramatic situations? Or perhaps both? Some people enjoy it, I guess(?) It's the basis of a lot of reality television. To me, the situations you get yourself into sound nightmarish. I like uncomplicated, undramatic relationships in love, friendship, family, business, etc, and I'm a happy person and nothing in that arena has bothered me in years. If you're worried about these things as often as it seems then I feel very bad for you. Do you make an honest effort to avoid these things, or do they always seem to find you? 

I also think you should try to understand other peoples' happiness is not your responsibility. If someone is unhappy without you, it's not your problem, it's theirs. You shouldn't let people hold you hostage in situations where their happiness is dependent on you, wherein you feel you can't leave. It's lovely that you have enough of a heart to feel bad about it (as a lot of people wouldn't), but all things considered, you don't owe anyone their happiness, especially not at the expense of your own. That's something they have to find on their own terms, without you. Anyone who's happiness is entirely dependent on one other person isn't in a place to be in a relationship, in my opinion. Ask yourself, why should you be unhappy so that he can be happy? Why should you be unhappy so that his mom can be happy? Are that that any more deserving of happiness than you? If not, then why is it you who has to suffer for problems of their making? 

Anyways, I say cut your losses with this guy (it probably won't be pretty), but in the end if you're unhappy, there's no reason for you to continue on with it. Then maybe take try and figure yourself out a bit, ask yourself some uncomfortable questions about why this happens, and be honest with yourself. Maybe some professional therapy? When you do find someone else, I'd suggest you approach it more slowly and see what the experience is like in comparison to all these others. Best of luck. 

[Miss Spider]

18 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Cookies, you don't seem to see the problem here. You think the problem is the relationship. It isn't. It's impulsivity and immature thinking more generally.

I noticed this same issue when you got engaged to this guy. Just a couple of weeks prior you had been on a date with another man, a homeless man with severe mental illness, whom you described as someone you had a rare, one of a kind connection with. When you announced your engagement, I assumed you meant to this man. You reassured us that it wasn't him, as though this made the situation so much better. It was clear that you thought the issue had been with that particular man's homelessness and psychological state, not the fact that you had gone from feeling a supposedly rare connection with one struggling immature guy to getting engaged to another struggling immature guy in the space of weeks. And now you're acting in the same way, as though the problem here is how to get out of the relationship. It isn't. The problem is how to resolve the immature unhealthy behaviour that got you into this situation in the first place, and the answer to that isn't manipulation and unpleasant game-playing. That's just a different symptom of the same problem.

Ballettomane, I know it and I do see it. But I am stuck in the situation now. I can’t undo that I’m in a serious relationship with someone at the moment. I’m working on getting out of it, but everyone here and my friends make it sound like it’s so easy. It’s not. It has social, financial, and emotional implications for both of us. 
 

I think it would be different if we were more compatible. I wouldn’t be crushing on other guys I meet, or daydreaming I could go back to god-awful dating apps, and pining to go on dates with all kinds of guys. I was invited to this drawing/art event  next week and I want to drive up with the guy without my bf and I want to be a single woman there. I know it sounds bad, but it’s how I feel. 

 

I had so much fun being single and dating. I don’t think I need to quit entirely. I do know and I have learned. I need to cut it off at a certain point or I will end up like this again. I know where that is. I will never be trapped again. Because casually dating a struggling immature person isn’t that bad, especially if you are supposedly one yourself. I can date or not date anyone I wish. Miss my freedom  

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Cookiesandough Did he give you an engagement ring??  If so, you need to return it.

I already did 

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, normal person said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall previous attempts to sway you from these sorts of situations with slow, practical, measured approaches were met with apprehension. You seem to think taking a slower, calculated path with someone is boring or "meh." Well, this is the downside of doing things your way. You're frequently in these positions and you're unsatisfied, trapped, and unhappy. As someone else said in a great post, maybe it's finally time for you to break the pattern. Next time, try not to rush into things so quickly. You might not have that same level of excitement that comes with uncertainty, but in the end you won't end up with the same level of confusion and despair that making big moves in such situations usually lands you.

I also think you need to ask yourself why you keep getting yourself into these spots. What are you looking for? Are you honestly looking to find happiness in love or are you looking for the excitement that comes with these chaotic, dramatic situations? Or perhaps both? Some people enjoy it, I guess(?) It's the basis of a lot of reality television. To me, the situations you get yourself into sound nightmarish. I like uncomplicated, undramatic relationships in love, friendship, family, business, etc, and I'm a happy person and nothing in that arena has bothered me in years. If you're worried about these things as often as it seems then I feel very bad for you. Do you make an honest effort to avoid these things, or do they always seem to find you? 

I also think you should try to understand other peoples' happiness is not your responsibility. If someone is unhappy without you, it's not your problem, it's theirs. You shouldn't let people hold you hostage in situations where their happiness is dependent on you, wherein you feel you can't leave. It's lovely that you have enough of a heart to feel bad about it (as a lot of people wouldn't), but all things considered, you don't owe anyone their happiness, especially not at the expense of your own. That's something they have to find on their own terms, without you. Anyone who's happiness is entirely dependent on one other person isn't in a place to be in a relationship, in my opinion. Ask yourself, why should you be unhappy so that he can be happy? Why should you be unhappy so that his mom can be happy? Are that that any more deserving of happiness than you? If not, then why is it you who has to suffer for problems of their making? 

Anyways, I say cut your losses with this guy (it probably won't be pretty), but in the end if you're unhappy, there's no reason for you to continue on with it. Then maybe take try and figure yourself out a bit, ask yourself some uncomfortable questions about why this happens, and be honest with yourself. Maybe some professional therapy? When you do find someone else, I'd suggest you approach it more slowly and see what the experience is like in comparison to all these others. Best of luck. 

I’m looking for love. I don’t like drama. I just can’t stay interested, I guess. I feel like I have a better grasp on what I like now than ever before. If you remember, normal person, I don’t have much actual dating experience. I started dating really late and for most of that, I looked at it as mostly a conceptual thing; each date being almost a controlled experiment(but I’ve changed from that). Then   I got caught up in a circle of my exes friend’s and some guys there asked me out. So I took the path of least resistance and went with their persistence. My bad. 
Anyway, thank you all for your help and thank you for saying I am not responsible for others ‘ happiness. Sometimes I feel like I am partly responsible / to blame 

[Noproblem]

You seem like a control freak and he  is not interesting, so end it and say bye..

He seems like an Aries type of guy . Air or Fire vibes I get from him. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Noproblem

[boymommy]

19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

I think it would be different if we were more compatible. I wouldn’t be crushing on other guys I meet, or daydreaming I could go back to god-awful dating apps, and pining to go on dates with all kinds of guys. I was invited to this drawing/art event  next week and I want to drive up with the guy without my bf and I want to be a single woman there. I know it sounds bad, but it’s how I feel. 

 

I had so much fun being single and dating. I don’t think I need to quit entirely. I do know and I have learned. I need to cut it off at a certain point or I will end up like this again. I know where that is. I will never be trapped again. Because casually dating a struggling immature person isn’t that bad, especially if you are supposedly one yourself. I can date or not date anyone I wish. Miss my freedom  

 

NOOOO!!!! 
 

This first part you referenced (if only we were more compatible) is not correct. The issue is NOT your relationship, its your thinking pattern and choices. It WON’T be different with someone else because unless you grasp what we are saying and get out of denial (and trust me I was so much like you!) then you will keep choosing the same relationship pattern. 
 

You are whats know as a “love addict.” Please research that term. There is a group with phone meetings called SLAA (stands for sex and love addicts anonymous). Everything you just said fits the profile loud and clear. You think your partner is to blame but really its your fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment that prevents you from ending your relationship. Thats why you wish to be single so badly but make excuses for not leaving your boyfriend. 
 

I know this is hard stuff and I felt disconnected for a long time too. But if you don’t get out of this pattern then you have little to no chance of ever having a healthy relationship. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, boymommy said:

NOOOO!!!! 
 

This first part you referenced (if only we were more compatible) is not correct. The issue is NOT your relationship, its your thinking pattern and choices. It WON’T be different with someone else because unless you grasp what we are saying and get out of denial (and trust me I was so much like you!) then you will keep choosing the same relationship pattern. 
 

You are whats know as a “love addict.” Please research that term. There is a group with phone meetings called SLAA (stands for sex and love addicts anonymous). Everything you just said fits the profile loud and clear. You think your partner is to blame but really its your fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment that prevents you from ending your relationship. Thats why you wish to be single so badly but make excuses for not leaving your boyfriend. 
 

I know this is hard stuff and I felt disconnected for a long time too. But if you don’t get out of this pattern then you have little to no chance of ever having a healthy relationship. 

Boy mommy, I am not saying you’re wrong, but why can’t it be he’s just not compatible with me and I find him boring? He’s purty, but I’ve always struggled to have a deep conversation with him. He’s extroverted and friendly. I like quiet, misanthropic men. He’s too fit for my preference. I don’t really share much of his sense of humor. He used to hang out with his friends in clubs and I don’t like those places. List goes on
 

 Yes , I find dating exciting and fun, but I would love to find someone perfect for me that I don’t tire of . And it’s not like dating others is my primary reason for leaving. I’ve been at my parents for a day now, completely alone, and I feel so peaceful and at ease. Not having to consider what anyone else wants or needs. Wear whatever I want.  It’s like if I could erase him my life would be so much better 

 

I told him I’d meet up with him tonight. I think I’m going to go another night though here until I work up the courage. I have to do this 😫 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

26 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

You seem like a control freak and he  is not interesting, so end it and say bye..

He seems like an Aries type of guy . Air or Fire vibes I get from him. 

Youre good. He is a sagitarrius  and I’m an Aquarius. I was thinking about hanging in there for a couple more weeks, but I don’t think I can do it 

[d0nnivain]

Cookies 

Stop looking for perfect.  It doesn't exist.  You get a lot of what you want; you get close but you don't get everything.  For example I adore my husband but he loathes the beach & I am a sun, sand & surf kind of gal.  So it's not perfect but his preference against my preferred vacation was never a reason to not date / marry him.  

In this instant there are too many fundamental incompatibilities.  Differences are good but there needs to be a solid foundation of common ground. 

Get out of this.  Don't wait around for a few more weeks; then it will be too close to the holidays.  Your sweet spot is October.  You also have to give meaningful time to move which may take a few weeks.  Next time don't move in until you have been dating at least 1 full year 

[boymommy]

You just seem like you want to create this perfect guy that doesnt exist. Or you find something wrong with every relationship and then become miserable. Or you wish you were single again and want some other guy. 

Pattern pattern pattern pattern. These things dont JUST occur from being incompatible with one partner..they occur across a lifespan of having these thoughts about yourself and carrying them into dating. The sooner you get on board with that the happier and more fullfilled you will be, and you WILL find that perfect guy FOR YOU. 

[Miss Spider]

OK. Update. So it was 5 o’clock. I knew he was still going to be at work for another hour, so I made the decision to run over to get my stuff out and then I would break up with him 

in a cosmic joke, my tire goes flat on the way there. I don’t have AAA and I don’t have a jack with me, so the only thing I can think to do is call my parents. Or him.( I know it’s awful, but I did contemplate for a second calling him.)But I was like hell no. I’d push my car to the tire shop before that. My dad has been drinking, so it was a big thing who could come help me. But finally, my dads friend is coming. 

 

I called my boyfriend and I broke up with him. I explain to him that I was stressed with things. And also that I didn’t think that I could make him happy anymore. He took it surprisingly well. He did choke up, but he when I asked that he would still be friends, he said of course and he doesn’t want this but he doesn’t own me. And he sent me a message “I love you. Hopefully we can talk about all this later. You know I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t lose you. You are the love of my life.”

 

honestly, that is the most rational breakup I’ve ever had and I’m a little shook by it. Not in a bad way, really. Actually, a good way. I feel like he’s going to be alright , which of course he is, but the dramatics I’ve dealt with before breaking up with guys has made me feel otherwise. I love this guy and always will. He’s a great person and I’ll miss him very much. I still have to get my stuff from his place, but right now have to get my tire fixed and go home. 

Thank you all so much 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[boymommy]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

honestly, that is the most rational breakup I’ve ever had and I’m a little shook by it. Not in a bad way, really. Actually, a good way. I feel like he’s going to be alright , which of course he is, but the dramatics I’ve dealt with before breaking up with guys has made me feel otherwise. I love this guy and always will. He’s a great person and I’ll miss him very much. I still have to get my stuff from his place, but right now have to get my tire fixed and go home. 

Thank you all so much 

 

 

Good for you!!! Super proud of you. Perhaps you feel there is no connection because of the lack of theatrics and drama in this relationship. You describe chaotic breakups (which I can totally relate to!) as I have had very toxic relationships myself. Maybe if you are not in a toxic relationship and just with someone "normal" you can't really feel anything? That was my issue for a long time. I realized it was due to the fact that I was unavailable myself and in order to become more available I had to stop being so scared of being bored or fearing vulnerability or whatever else I was worried about. 

Good luck in finding yourself. I suggest avoiding jumping into another relationship and just spend some time in self discovery. It could be very beneficial for you! Date yourself! 

Edited October 20, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Good for you!!! Super proud of you. Perhaps you feel there is no connection because of the lack of theatrics and drama in this relationship. You describe chaotic breakups (which I can totally relate to!) as I have had very toxic relationships myself. Maybe if you are not in a toxic relationship and just with someone "normal" you can't really feel anything? That was my issue for a long time. I realized it was due to the fact that I was unavailable myself and in order to become more available I had to stop being so scared of being bored or fearing vulnerability or whatever else I was worried about. 

Good luck in finding yourself. I suggest avoiding jumping into another relationship and just spend some time in self discovery. It could be very beneficial for you! Date yourself! 

Home now. Thank you so much, boymommy. I so needed to hear the encouragement. The tears only hit me on my way over to our( well, his) apartment, but they haven’t stopped. Getting a flat didn’t help. I did feel for a moment he didn’t care about me, yes. But I realize that is not true and he is just more rational than other men I’ve dated. He just sent me a pic of flowers he got me earlier today because he could “sense I was having a bad day.” And another text “xxxxx, I really don’t want to break up. If you need time and space I’m cool with that.  I will always be here for you. 

ive “broken up” with him a couple times before , so I get the sense also right now he might now be able to tell I’m serious. I get this impression this isn’t over 

I have DEFINITELY learned my lessons about jumping into stuff. It would take one hell of a man to ever make me cuff up again. I really don’t think that will ever happen. I’m gonna be smarter 

im joining aaa right now 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

He’s extroverted and friendly. I like quiet, misanthropic men. 

How are you defining "misanthropic"?

Standard definition is "disliking or general hatred of humankind, human nature and avoiding human society."

Not judging but I'm curious how you would find this appealing?

Is that what you liked about the homeless guy?  

I can sort of relate, I like men who dance to their own tune and defy societal norms, but misanthropy is a bit much for my senses. 

Edit:   Happy to hear you ended it, good luck moving forward c&d.  👍

 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

I'm glad you took action, I know it was difficult.  

As far as misanthropes go, I've been involved with a few guys in the past I would probably loosely use that term to describe.  They didn't really hate everyone, but preferred to keep their inner circle very small.  These guys were really intelligent and easily annoyed by frivolous conversations and activities.  For me they were fascinating for a time, but too intense for the long term.   

[Crazelnut]

Please don't try to be friends with this guy.  That's just cruel. He still has feelings for you. Just make a clean break.

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

And he sent me a message “I love you. Hopefully we can talk about all this later. You know I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t lose you. You are the love of my life.”

 

honestly, that is the most rational breakup I’ve ever had

IS it though??

[Happy Lemming]

17 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

im joining aaa right now 

A little off subject, but my car insurance provider has roadside assistance & towing for a LOT cheaper than AAA. You might want to look into that as an option.

I got burned by AAA when I had a flat on my motorcycle, I called them and they wouldn't pick it up & tow it, even though I had the "anything you drive is covered" plan. 

After that I went with a plan from my insurance provider.

Just my two cents.