Bonifidelifelover Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Questions: how do you get the AP out of ur head? Do the thoughts ever go away? Can you ever truly forget them? Do you men suffer with this too or is it just us women? I’ve gone no contact, but the attention withdrawal sucks & it’s very hard to think of anything else... Anyone else dealing with this as an AP that has gone NC or is it just me? Is this common??? trying to truck on! my AP is a newlywed, so he’s concentrating on that! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said: Is this common??? Spend some time on the OW/OM forum... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 Yeah, you made the mistake of being intimate with him, so that has triggered whatever this is for you. Guess you'll need to live with it. My thought would be to focus on getting your divorce done and moving on. I also think he'll contact you in perhaps six months if not less. You will have been stewing for him all that time so will be ready to jump on him. Meanwhile he and wifey are doing whatever their regular thing is (presumably involving schtupping with at least some regularity). Not a good situation for anyone. Distract yourself and focus on building a new life and moving on. Women sometimes waste years on MMs with little to show for it except lots of pining and just enough contact to keep it going. Sad situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonifidelifelover Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 18 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Yeah, you made the mistake of being intimate with him, so that has triggered whatever this is for you. Guess you'll need to live with it. My thought would be to focus on getting your divorce done and moving on. I also think he'll contact you in perhaps six months if not less. You will have been stewing for him all that time so will be ready to jump on him. Meanwhile he and wifey are doing whatever their regular thing is (presumably involving schtupping with at least some regularity). Not a good situation for anyone. Distract yourself and focus on building a new life and moving on. Women sometimes waste years on MMs with little to show for it except lots of pining and just enough contact to keep it going. Sad situation. Exactly I’m feeling the night was a mistake now due to how I’m dealing with the thoughts. Great advice tho thank u @mark clemson Guess I deserve what I’m going thru as far as the wishing to clear my mind of him. I think him & her are on a newlywed high right now. But that’s how it should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 I can only speak for myself. I went NC with my AP over 4 months ago (my post is on here if you’re interested). During these 4 months I have done a massive amount of work to try and move on with my life and come to terms with everything. Am I better than I was 4 months ago? Yes, quite a lot. Am I out of the woods? Nope. I think of her every day, countless times. But now the thoughts are not so much agonising longing and despair as more neutral, although with greater regret and shame. I miss her but only like a dull ache now, not the searing pain it once was. I have re-evaluated her character and mine. I never want to see her again, actually. I have been badly depressed for at least 3 of those months and was prescribed medication but have avoided taking anything and worked on my outlook instead. Putting things in perspective, reevaluating my life and my purpose, reducing the ego etc. Huge changes are happening, but I’ve had to fight every day to keep sane. I clearly have huge attachment issues; it’s been an eye-opener to say the least. I still have the lurching sickness in my stomach when I think certain thoughts about her. I suspect she’ll always be part of me, always be a shadow in my mind somehow. But I also think it’s like grieving a loved one. You never forget but you integrate the pain and then it’s just neutral, it fades, and becomes a part of who you are. Interestingly when I’ve researched this (and boy have I researched!), it does seem that men fall harder and struggle for longer than women. Obviously a generalisation but there do seem to be evolutionary reasons for it. I know that goes against stereotype but the trend seems likely. Anyway, digression.... Do I regret it? Well, the pain is way more potent than the joy ever was. It was definitely a mistake, but if I learn from it then maybe it was for a reason. So regret is probably the wrong word. Life teaches you stuff, you just have to get through and learn. Of course, if yours was just a one night stand then I guess it might be easier! My advice is to be proactive in any way you can. Don’t let it drag you down, because these things can and that’s when it can get dangerous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonifidelifelover Posted October 19, 2020 Author Share Posted October 19, 2020 @SMoore thank u so much for ur perspective. I love when ppl on here are nice! I’ll definitely read ur story after work tonight. I’m sorry u have suffered... ugh. Glad u are feeling better tho. I am quite surprised by the men fall harder thing tho. Where can I find some of this literature??? Now I’m curious, I love reading on how people think & how the mind works including emotions. as far as I go I wouldn’t technically say I was an AP. Someone told me to come post my issue in OW/OM. You can also read my story if u wish. We just had a one night thing, 3 weeks before he married. He married last week! So it’s fresh. I don’t anticipate us having another hook up. But it’s definitely hard to get that night images out of my head. Especially since him & I been friends who have flirted for years & years. We finally did the deed! Now I kinda regret it due to it being on my mind constantly & now he’s a newlywed. Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 The idea is that for thousands of years men have gone out to hunt/gather to provide for the family; the female/child is the precious treasure to guard and that provides the man with identity. The woman on the other hand is left vulnerable and knows that the man puts himself in danger each day and may never return. Her imperative is survival and she needs to be able to move on fast and find safety with another man if she needs to. Hence why a woman losing a man is an obstacle and a challenge, whereas a man losing his woman is a complete identity annihilation and catastrophe. Transplant that evolutionary theory into modern society where women have the support networks and men have nowhere near the same safety net, and you begin to understand why most divorces are initiated by women. Anyway, just a bit of theory that I came across and thought was interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 6:47 PM, AngelinaCassy said: Questions: how do you get the AP out of ur head? Do the thoughts ever go away? Can you ever truly forget them? Do you men suffer with this too or is it just us women? I’ve gone no contact, but the attention withdrawal sucks & it’s very hard to think of anything else... Anyone else dealing with this as an AP that has gone NC or is it just me? Is this common??? trying to truck on! my AP is a newlywed, so he’s concentrating on that! You dont! The question do really want to. Oh yes we skuffer. But its diferernt we mostly do in anger and resent. What do you actualy want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonifidelifelover Posted October 24, 2020 Author Share Posted October 24, 2020 On 10/22/2020 at 2:24 PM, SMoore said: The idea is that for thousands of years men have gone out to hunt/gather to provide for the family; the female/child is the precious treasure to guard and that provides the man with identity. The woman on the other hand is left vulnerable and knows that the man puts himself in danger each day and may never return. Her imperative is survival and she needs to be able to move on fast and find safety with another man if she needs to. Hence why a woman losing a man is an obstacle and a challenge, whereas a man losing his woman is a complete identity annihilation and catastrophe. Transplant that evolutionary theory into modern society where women have the support networks and men have nowhere near the same safety net, and you begin to understand why most divorces are initiated by women. Anyway, just a bit of theory that I came across and thought was interesting. Thank you very interesting insight Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonifidelifelover Posted October 24, 2020 Author Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) On 10/22/2020 at 2:47 PM, Harry Korsnes said: You dont! The question do really want to. Oh yes we skuffer. But its diferernt we mostly do in anger and resent. What do you actualy want? I’m am doing much better in the last day or 2. Staying off social media has helped. I miss flirting with him. But I don’t desire being another woman. I do, out of curiosity wonder if he thinks of me tho. Just curious. I guess because I do think of him. We’ve been Flirting friends for 30 yrs! He’s always sought me out & we’ve always weirdly kept in touch. Fooled around here & there. We finally had sex which he says he “loved” so much. guess I doubt I could easily leave his mind??? I don’t know. Like I said I felt over the last two days I realized I thought of him way less. It’s a good thing! Edited October 24, 2020 by AngelinaCassy Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 Focus on getting your divorce finalized. The hook up was a momentary distraction that you knew wouldn't last. Kind of like getting drunk to "forget about your problems". When you wake up, not only do you have a hangover, all the problems are still there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonifidelifelover Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Focus on getting your divorce finalized. The hook up was a momentary distraction that you knew wouldn't last. Kind of like getting drunk to "forget about your problems". When you wake up, not only do you have a hangover, all the problems are still there. LoL thank u! Link to post Share on other sites
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