Feeling Undesired

[liketoknowwhoiam]

My husband and I met in high school. We had a passionate and reckless relationship. Full of passion and desire. I got pregnant my first year of college and we were unprepared for marriage and parenting. We were abusive to each other because we didnt know any better. We ended up splitting up, I got healthy and we found our way back to each other. It was again passion and reckless. But everything changed when I moved back in. Now I dont feel desired. He doesnt do anything like dates, gifts, notes of affection. There is no sexual touch, let alone sex. It feels platonic and not romantic. 

We both accept love in all forms and dont have anything against polyamory,. If he were to go outside our relationship, I would be very encouraging. I just dont know if he would act in agreement with his words and do the same for me if I seek elsewhere. He is very jealous and hard on himself. He would see it as a failing on his part and that disrepair would poison the relationship. For me, that risk isnt worth it.

I love him completely. I have seen him at his very worst in our divorce. I know what I am accepting and the cost is worth it. My kids are my everything. He is my best friend. 

Yet at the same time I feel like part of me is shutting down. The desire. The passion. There is no outlet for it. I dont feel wanted. I feel like a maid and nanny. Im useful. 

Is it wrong to want to be desired too?

[FMW]

Of course it's not wrong to want to be desired, most of us have that need. And we expect that if we have a significant other, they will be the one to fulfill it.  

Is it possible to start slowly, as in maybe just reaching out and holding his hand while you're watching tv, stroking his arm or back while you're talking? If it's been awhile since you were physically affectionate it might take a little while to get back that comfort level.  If you still care about each other I would think small touches like that would eventually stir at least a little desire again.

I'm not polyamorous at all, so I'm not someone who would ever suggest that.  If nothing else works, I guess it's an option.  But I would try to rekindle things just between the two of you first.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You can still be best friends and great co-parents if you get divorced (do as I say, not as I do....I could never do this with MY ex but it is possible!).  It sounds like you two should never have gotten married.  

[DKT3]

I dont know, relationships get hard and when they do people look for the first off ramp.

High school sweetheart relationships are even harder.  The relationship can get old while you are still very young. 

I would bet there is a communication breakdown,  you probably haven't expressed yourself in a way he is getting,  and he probably isn't expressing himself at all.

I will say this, given what you said I would forget that poly or open stuff. That will simply kill whatever is let of your marriage by a thousand cuts.

Look in marriage counseling,  or a mediator who can open communication with you two. I mean speaking honestly and listening to one another,  amazing how doing this the right way can quickly move a relationship in the direction it needs to go.

[spiritedaway2003]

I also wouldn't suggest going open or poly.  Not that I know anything about it...but I can't see how it could work if he's a jealous type.  Fastest way to kill your relationship/marriage.

Sounds like a communication breakdown.  Have you both gone to marriage counseling?  If not, start there first. 

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/20/2020 at 12:13 AM, liketoknowwhoiam said:

We both accept love in all forms and dont have anything against polyamory,.

Did he suggest this or something?

[Wiseman2]

On 10/19/2020 at 6:13 PM, liketoknowwhoiam said:

 I have seen him at his very worst in our divorce. 

You're legally divorced? Then why live with him?

[liketoknowwhoiam]

On 10/21/2020 at 3:26 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Did he suggest this or something?

No. It's how we view love. I've always been poly, just chose not to practice for a lot of reasons. 

[liketoknowwhoiam]

On 10/21/2020 at 3:36 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You're legally divorced? Then why live with him?

Because we reconnected. He is still my best friend. It just feels platonic and less romantic recently. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, liketoknowwhoiam said:

I've always been poly, just chose not to practice for a lot of reasons. 

This is probably tangential to your immediate concerns, but this sounds a lot like me saying I've always been Mormon but choosing not to practice it.

In other words, from everything I understand there is a big difference between feeling poly and actually successfully being in poly relationships. Take a lot of work, a lot of patience, some pretty substantive rules to avoid damaging the core relationship(s), and a LOT of communication from everything I hear.

Make of that what you will.

[central]

If you feel you are poly, and are not getting what you need in your current dysfunctional relationship, then I can see the appeal of getting some of your needs met elsewhere.  I'm poly, as is my wife, so we've had poly (and simple FWB) relationships.  However, we are not unreasonably jealous, so can be happy for each other when we have other partners.  It sounds like this may NOT be possible for your significant other (SO), in which case it will not work out and may even become physically abusive - so be careful, please!  You may have to end this relationship to form other, healthy relationships, even though you are very reluctant to do so.  Sometimes, the hardest most painful course is the right course - and the pain will pass.