AmICrazy82 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Need some straight forward advice. my husband and I have been together for 4 years, and married for 3. About 1 year or so into our marriage I found a message from a “friend” of his asking when I would be home and that she wanted to see him (it was on a shared tablet) and he actually planned to meet her. I foiled that plan of his though. Well that peaked my suspicions. I’m not proud, but I started to investigate more. Had access to his email. Found he was trying to hook up with women even when we were dating. And that continued all they way until this very day. There are profiles he keeps active on numerous hook up a few dating sites. He’s even paid for an account on Ashley Madison (paid for it the day after we spent the night at a hotel for our anniversary recently) I went on a work trip, and before I had even left town, he contacted and escort. I found out through his texts any location history. When I confronted him, he originally denied it but finally admitted to “going” but not doing anything which I don’t believe. He started a texting “relationship” with someone that was supposed to be a wrong number text, but it turned into so much more. Even going as far as telling her that he would leave me for her. Every time I’ve confronted him, he’s told me it’s my fault he does these things. Either because he feels our relationship is rocky or any other excuse. I feel like I’m stuck in this horrible situation and he makes me feel like I’m going completely crazy! I just need to leave him in the dust right?! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Yeah you do. But first you need to stop focusing on him and what he is doing. You need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy outside of him. By doing this it will make it slightly easier to step away. Cold turkey is hard, even when you're being treated poorly. So slowly detach. If your husband is worth a second chance he will feel you pulling away and do whatever is necessary to make you feel like he is worth working through this with. Coming back from infidelity is very difficult when you have a remorseful partner, when you have one gaslighting you its simply looking for pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) He's using abusive blaming to cover up his sex addiction. You need to be tested for STDs immediately. At that time be honest and frank with your doctors and ask for a referral to a therapist. You also need a very good attorney asap. Stop talking to your sex-addicted lying cheating abusive husband . Talk to your doctor, therapist and lawyer. You're not crazy. You're in denial. The truth is so awful that you can't wrap your head around it or the fact that your entire marriage was a sham and he has a double life. Edited October 20, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Girl, you should've walked when you first found out. There's no recovering from this. He's a serial cheater. Move on, then cry it out. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 8 hours ago, AmICrazy82 said: I just need to leave him in the dust right?! Yes. He's always cheated. It's not going to change. Leaving will be hard, but you can be happy again eventually if free yourself from this misery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, AmICrazy82 said: Every time I’ve confronted him, he’s told me it’s my fault he does these things. Either because he feels our relationship is rocky or any other excuse. Sorry no. If the marriage were really so bad, he could just leave. He has decided to stay in the marriage but cheat instead. It's his choice to stay, just as it would be your choice to leave if you do. It sounds like he needs to go find the rare partner who's interested in an open marriage. That's probably a lot more work than he's willing to do though, heh. If it were me in your situation, I would leave. Edited October 20, 2020 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LeoLady888 Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 OP, Quote I just need to leave him in the dust right?! Yup, and don't look back. And find out what 'gaslighting' means, it's not as uncommon as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 First, don't feel bad into looking into his emails. He was demonstrating mistrustduk behavior... you deserved to investigate. I tried to save my marriage but the more I found out, the more I hated myself for trying. I felt weak. Even after I booted him out, we waffled back and forth and I hated myself. Filing for divorce was one of the most empowering things I have done. Sounds sad, but true. It was hard... but best decision I made. I was a shell of a person. You have only 4 years invested. Get out now before there is 20.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AmICrazy82 Posted October 29, 2020 Author Share Posted October 29, 2020 I’ve tried to not let things get to me, but then he over does it. Sweet names, buys me things, check in texts, but in the back of my head know he’s only doing it to keep me “happy”. I need to get this done. And soon!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) I think you will be amazed how clear your path forward becomes when you finally get this guy in your rear view mirror... Edited October 29, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 So this guy shows you he loves you by potentially exposing you to STDs that could kill you, or at least make you sick, to the potential of an OW who is, well, not altogether acting rationally or even a child he fathered with another woman while you were married? What's the saying about with friends like that, who needs enemies? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 How could you ever trust him again? Trust is a cornerstone of a successful marriage. He's a serial cheater. I'd bail. If you stay, don't be surprised when he cheats again. And again after that. Maybe not next week, next month, or even next year, but he will. It's who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 10:07 PM, AmICrazy82 said: Found he was trying to hook up with women even when we were dating. And that continued all they way until this very day. When reviewing incidences of infidelity and gauging opportunity for recovery, I tend to look at foundation. Is the marriage founded on solid trust and commitment and a healthy emotional bond. While it appears you were unaware of his history until just recently, it also appears he wasn't 'all in' on any sort of healthy foundation for a long-lived commitment to you and your marriage. That IMO doesn't bode well for chances of healthy recovery. On 10/19/2020 at 10:07 PM, AmICrazy82 said: I feel like I’m stuck in this horrible situation and he makes me feel like I’m going completely crazy! Historically, that's known as being 'gaslighted'. You start to question your own sanity. On 10/19/2020 at 10:07 PM, AmICrazy82 said: I just need to leave him in the dust right?! Yeah, probably, unfortunately. Doesn't look like you have children, one mitigating factor in the process of deciding. The good news is this experience has likely taught you a lot about marriage and you can use that moving forward. It'll work out. IMO, keep it as simple and drama-free as you can. Lots of life left to live. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 (edited) The mere fact that you are questioning if you should leave him makes it clear that you are brainwashed into submission. Unlikely you have the mental fortitude and emotional strength to leave him on your own. You need professional guidance not the majority vote of a handful of relationship forum members. Edited November 7, 2020 by gamon Link to post Share on other sites
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