pinkttulips5 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I have no proof, just weird hmmm feelings. I think maybe my husband is having an affair with a coworker. First of all, he told me over yr ago that she made a pass at him in the office (he works out in the field and has to go into the office on occasion). At that point she was still married and knows that him and I are together, but I dont think anything was happening between them up until maybe a month ago. Here's a few of those hmmm moments: a couple weeks ago I was walking into the living room where he was sitting in his recliner which is not against the wall, but you have to walk behind it to get to the living room. I noticed as I was walking towards him that he was on a text msg, then he noticed me coming, so he put his phone not totally on his leg, but just turned it so I wouldnt see. After a little bit I went onto verizon and noticed he got a text from her, so he must have been responding back at that point and later on after he went to bed I checked and that text was deleted. The other night when I plugged in his phone (which is sort of a nightly ritual for yrs) I noticed a notification of 2 texts from her and she said sure I will come over and then also I'm officially divorced.. I didn't open it though, just wasn't sure what to do at that point. I have never had this happen to me in the few relationships I've had. He went to work the next day, I checked verizon and it showed that he responded to her twice. Again, the conversation was deleted. A month ago, there was a text from her saying that no she was not mad at him just frustrated and I love your face. Then they talked a little bit about work. That one he deleted a day or 2 later. He deletes her msgs but leaves some of the telemarketing ones. Yes I have been checking, ughh.. He comes home on time if not early every day. He sticks around the house on the weekends, that has not changed. He is still attentive, seems happy as usual, not picking fights or anything, so things are the same as they have been the past 6 yrs. We've had a pretty good relationship. This all just seems fishy or maybe I'm concerned for nothing. I realized the other night that they could get together when he is out in the field because a part of her job is to leave the office and go out into the field herself to check on things. I'm not sure what I need from everyone, some advice? To vent? Maybe both? Any reply back would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Starry_eyed Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 What is stopping you from asking him about it? It sounds like you have quite concrete signs of communication between them which isn't in a professional capacity and he is potentially covering his tracks. Is deleting texts something he would normally do? Sounds like he is still as present in the home as usual but I can see from a rational point of view why you have some concerns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 25 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said: What is stopping you from asking him about it? It sounds like you have quite concrete signs of communication between them which isn't in a professional capacity and he is potentially covering his tracks. Is deleting texts something he would normally do? Sounds like he is still as present in the home as usual but I can see from a rational point of view why you have some concerns. I guess I'm afraid of sounding accusing Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, pinkttulips5 said: I guess I'm afraid of sounding accusing When two and two start to not add up, and you're afraid of sounding accusing, then you don't have enough solid information to act on. That is what you need to get. And you will need to make hard copies of it so that he doesn't try to lie his way out of whatever shady business he's doing. My advice would be to gather your intel and don't make any move or tip your hand until you've got iron clan proof that the two of them are cheating. Video et taceo--I see but say nothing. Get that phone when he's sleeping and go through it. Right now, it looks like he's emotionally cheating and may not have crossed the line into physical cheating--but he may have, if she's able to go meet him in the field. First, you need to think long and hard on what you're going to do if he is doing this. What are you prepared to do upon discovery? Do you have the means to leave him and stay away for some time where he can't find you? Get answers to this so that if the time comes where you have to act, you've got a plan in place. Edited October 20, 2020 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 I think you should pay attention to your "weird" feelings. He wouldn't be hiding and deleting texts unless he felt there was something wrong about them. He might be telling himself that he's not doing anything wrong right now if she's just using him as a buddy to talk to and that he's just saving you from unnecessary concern. But this is how affairs start. I wouldn't say anything to him right now. Just keep your eyes and ears open and see how things go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 16 minutes ago, FMW said: I think you should pay attention to your "weird" feelings. He wouldn't be hiding and deleting texts unless he felt there was something wrong about them. He might be telling himself that he's not doing anything wrong right now if she's just using him as a buddy to talk to and that he's just saving you from unnecessary concern. But this is how affairs start. I wouldn't say anything to him right now. Just keep your eyes and ears open and see how things go. Thank you FMW! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 1 hour ago, kendahke said: When two and two start to not add up, and you're afraid of sounding accusing, then you don't have enough solid information to act on. That is what you need to get. And you will need to make hard copies of it so that he doesn't try to lie his way out of whatever shady business he's doing. My advice would be to gather your intel and don't make any move or tip your hand until you've got iron clan proof that the two of them are cheating. Video et taceo--I see but say nothing. Get that phone when he's sleeping and go through it. Right now, it looks like he's emotionally cheating and may not have crossed the line into physical cheating--but he may have, if she's able to go meet him in the field. First, you need to think long and hard on what you're going to do if he is doing this. What are you prepared to do upon discovery? Do you have the means to leave him and stay away for some time where he can't find you? Get answers to this so that if the time comes where you have to act, you've got a plan in place. Thank you Kendahke, I appreciate your input. That is exactly what I am going to do. Sadly, right now I am now making enough money to live on my own, so I need to work on that, which I will be. I feel so anxious right now and sort of feel like crawling into a hole and hide for a bit, but this is not going to bring me down! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) Why would he go out of his way to announce that "she made a pass at him"? Unfortunately your marriage doesn't seem as blissful as you depict it to be if you think he's cheating and have resorted to policing his phone. Keep in mind most cheaters are not stupid enough to leave those types of messages on a phone they very well know thier spouses are checking. Marriage counseling. There's a rift here. You know there is. Most cheating spouses know thier spouses are suspicious and snooping, so often leave a trail of breadcrumbs off in another direction. Edited October 21, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 If the messages are consisting of work chatter, then it is what it is. Things to look out for is when he takes his phone to the bathroom when he takes a shower, disappears with his phone, starts to become distant or agitated, working late, comes home in a more than usual chipper mood. But so far he's just hiding the text messages because he knows you won't approve. BUT since it for work reasons I wouldn't be so alarmed. He has no choice but the communicate with her for that. I agree you just need to play stupid and keep an eye on his behavior etc. AND spend some time your marriage, assessing and see if there is somethings you could improve on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 9 hours ago, smackie9 said: If the messages are consisting of work chatter, then it is what it is. Things to look out for is when he takes his phone to the bathroom when he takes a shower, disappears with his phone, starts to become distant or agitated, working late, comes home in a more than usual chipper mood. But so far he's just hiding the text messages because he knows you won't approve. BUT since it for work reasons I wouldn't be so alarmed. He has no choice but the communicate with her for that. I agree you just need to play stupid and keep an eye on his behavior etc. AND spend some time your marriage, assessing and see if there is somethings you could improve on. Thanks for the signs to look for. They don't just talk about work related things. She has talked to him about her divorce issues. I know this because a couple months ago (before I had suspicions), he called me (he was working) and told me that her ex took her car and left her w/o one (she has 2 little ones) and he told her that if I was okay with it, she could borrow ours (actually my car that I have had since way before him and I got together and one we dont drive as much). Well I was a single mom once so I said sure. So she borrowed my car for about 2 months. She mostly dealt with him on it. Texted me a couple times trying to set up insurance on her policy but that was about it. We went to get my car 2 weeks ago. She hugged me for a couple seconds and hugged him a bit longer. I could tell it made him feel uncomfortable, but then I caught him eye balling her as she walked away. Then it was like he realized he was eye balling her and stopped (I watched the whole thing). Then he kissed me (we were getting in separate cars at this point and leaving) and she said "gross" So I am just hoping that I'm just worried for nothing, but still keeping an eye on it and like you said, I am going to work on things I can do better in our relationship. None of us are perfect so there are some things I can work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Don't let his mistresses borrow your car. You're not a social worker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Always always always listen to your intuition. Its telling you that something is off. At the very least, he’s having an inappropriate relationship with her because he’s deleting the text messages. you can either talk to him about it and tell him you’re clearly uncomfortable with his relationship with her or you can wait it out. The thing is, if you mention it to him, he could just take it more underground since he knows you’re onto him. You can then wait it out and do more detective work. What is your line in the sand regarding infidelity? And what would you do if they were indeed having an affair if any sort? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. Don't let his mistresses borrow your car. You're not a social worker. I let her borrow it before all of this, otherwise no.. I would not have allowed it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 hour ago, LynneVicious said: Always always always listen to your intuition. Its telling you that something is off. At the very least, he’s having an inappropriate relationship with her because he’s deleting the text messages. you can either talk to him about it and tell him you’re clearly uncomfortable with his relationship with her or you can wait it out. The thing is, if you mention it to him, he could just take it more underground since he knows you’re onto him. You can then wait it out and do more detective work. What is your line in the sand regarding infidelity? And what would you do if they were indeed having an affair if any sort? I am going to wait it out and do some detective work because he would just deny it (I'm assuming me would) and then like you said go more underground. As far as what I would do if this is happening and I am ready to confront it. I am not real sure. I do know that if I decided that I would give him another chance, couple counseling would be a requirement. If he would not do that, then I guess we dont belong together. But at this point, I still have time to think about things and just pretend I am okay and be a detective. Do you have any suggestions on how I could do that (detective)? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Does she still have your car? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 This is something that happened Wednesday night. His company was having a zoom meeting and they were supposed to draw a pumpkin for their background. So I gladly helped him.. that kind of stuff is fun, so I drew it out and we both colored it in... teamwork. He's not real computer savy so I scanned it with my printer, sent it to his work email so he could send it to his boss who said she would help everyone get it onto zoom the next day. So he got all that done, his pumpkin sent to his boss and then not even 5 mins later said Hey, so and so (not mentioning names) might know how to do this onto the zoom, if she does would you sit down and have her show you. So, I said okay and he called her and woke her up because it was 9:45pm. Was on for not even 1 min because she was sleeping ( I was standing right there). We both have her phone number due to allowing her to borrow my car. She is not a friend of mine. Maybe I'm just weird, but I know that if I didnt really know a coworker that well, I sure would not feel comfortable calling them at 9:45 PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Does she still have your car? No we picked it up about 2 or 3 weeks ago. When we went to pick it up, she hugged me for a couple seconds and hugged him a bit longer. I could tell it made him feel uncomfortable, but then I caught him eye balling her as she walked away. Then it was like he realized he was eye balling her and stopped (I watched the whole thing). Then he kissed me (just a peck on the lips, we were getting in separate cars at this point and leaving) she saw him kiss me and she said "gross" (she's like 37) Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, pinkttulips5 said: No we picked it up about 2 or 3 weeks ago. When we went to pick it up, she hugged me for a couple seconds and hugged him a bit longer. I could tell it made him feel uncomfortable, but then I caught him eye balling her as she walked away. Then it was like he realized he was eye balling her and stopped (I watched the whole thing). Then he kissed me (just a peck on the lips, we were getting in separate cars at this point and leaving) she saw him kiss me and she said "gross" (she's like 37) Some men in affairs like to be in a situation where both of "his" women are in the same room or space. It makes them feel good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Did you then both drive home? Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. Don't let his mistresses borrow your car. You're not a social worker. This is exactly what I was thinking. It literally made me cringe! OP, as you prepare to make yourself more financially independent, perhaps you could consider putting a VAR device in his car? I've seen this discussed on the infidelity board, so I'd have a look there for more information and talk to people who have first hand experience. My gut says you will probably find something, so only take that step if you are prepared to hear the ugly truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Some men in affairs like to be in a situation where both of "his" women are in the same room or space. It makes them feel good That's just so crazy to me. When I was driving home the day we picked my car up I thought... okay, so maybe nothing is going on? Maybe she is wanting something to happen there but he is not allowing it, so he kissed me in front of her to confirm that to her? But then, since then there have still been texting and deleting of those texts. Not everyday, maybe once or twice a week (on his personal phone). But, they also have work phones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkttulips5 Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 7 minutes ago, La.Primavera said: This is exactly what I was thinking. It literally made me cringe! OP, as you prepare to make yourself more financially independent, perhaps you could consider putting a VAR device in his car? I've seen this discussed on the infidelity board, so I'd have a look there for more information and talk to people who have first hand experience. My gut says you will probably find something, so only take that step if you are prepared to hear the ugly truth. If a VAR device is a GPS... I wouldnt be able to put it on his company car. BUT, he had me set up his gmail account 5 yrs ago and his location is always on, so I can bring up the google map. He hasn't been to her house during the day (yet), she works from home and like I mentioned, she can go out into the field and meet him places. I dont want to give too much info away (as far as his job goes), but these places can sometimes be private. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 VAR - voice activated recorder. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 5 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said: I am going to wait it out and do some detective work because he would just deny it (I'm assuming me would) and then like you said go more underground. As far as what I would do if this is happening and I am ready to confront it. I am not real sure. I do know that if I decided that I would give him another chance, couple counseling would be a requirement. If he would not do that, then I guess we dont belong together. But at this point, I still have time to think about things and just pretend I am okay and be a detective. Do you have any suggestions on how I could do that (detective)? I’ll tell you that I went through it with my ex husband, who was a serial cheater. And living like that: constant snooping, wondering, busting etc is an exhausting way to live. I eventually figured out that I can’t stop him from cheating. No matter what I said or did, if he wanted to cheat, he would. I eventually had enough and got a divorce. Been happy ever since. in your case, I would Verify and gather intel in the meantime. If he’s gonna cheat, he will cheat. Its not you, it’s him. Just know that if you bring it up to him without any proof, prepare to be gaslit, lied to and be driven crazy wondering. maybe install a VAR in his car, a key logger or something else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said: If a VAR device is a GPS... I wouldnt be able to put it on his company car. BUT, he had me set up his gmail account 5 yrs ago and his location is always on, so I can bring up the google map. He hasn't been to her house during the day (yet), she works from home and like I mentioned, she can go out into the field and meet him places. I dont want to give too much info away (as far as his job goes), but these places can sometimes be private. Sorry to hear that. The "catch your cheater" industry recommends all this useless nonsense to tap into your worst fears, for thier own profit. You very well know using all these useless gizmos, trackers, recorders,etc. will only give you very limited data and will neither prove nor disprove anything Leave that stuff for the movies. That's the only place that nonsense works. Infact doing all this is a misleading distraction from your best tools. Your brain, your gut instinct and most of all, your power of observation. Edited October 24, 2020 by Wiseman2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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