Not sure what to think.

[elaine567]

Some people have had good info from VARS, you can get very small ones. It depends where you put it as to how
 helpful it is.
One wife put it into her husbands laptop bag and he took that bag everywhere with him...

[schlumpy]

17 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said:

If a VAR device is a GPS... I wouldnt be able to put it on his company car.  BUT, he had me set up his gmail account 5 yrs ago and his location is always on, so I can bring up the google map.  He hasn't been to her house during the day (yet), she works from home and like I mentioned, she can go out into the field and meet him places.  I dont want to give too much info away (as far as his job goes), but these places can sometimes be private.

Voice activated recorders have helped many people find out what they were up against. Sony makes a good one for around fifty dollars. You should test them first and make sure they don't make noises or have indicator lights that flash.

Place them where he is likely to make a phone call. Since the suspect is borrowing your car that would be a good spot to hide one.

You can secure them by using industrial strength Velcro that has sticky side to it. Under the seat is a commonsense place although road noise can make it hard to hear. It depends on your car interior as to where to place it. It must be hidden and yet able to record normal conversation.

If something hot and heavy is going on you will likely find out within a week.

Sorry this happening to you but you can't look the other way. 

[pinkttulips5]

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Voice activated recorders have helped many people find out what they were up against. Sony makes a good one for around fifty dollars. You should test them first and make sure they don't make noises or have indicator lights that flash.

Place them where he is likely to make a phone call. Since the suspect is borrowing your car that would be a good spot to hide one.

You can secure them by using industrial strength Velcro that has sticky side to it. Under the seat is a commonsense place although road noise can make it hard to hear. It depends on your car interior as to where to place it. It must be hidden and yet able to record normal conversation.

If something hot and heavy is going on you will likely find out within a week.

Sorry this happening to you but you can't look the other way. 

Thank you Schlumpy.  She is not borrowing my car any longer, we got it back about 2 weeks ago.  If I could afford flexispy, I would do that.  There is a recorder included in the software that you download on the phone and then all the other features as well.  But its pretty expensive ($340 or something like that)

[pinkttulips5]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Some people have had good info from VARS, you can get very small ones. It depends where you put it as to how
 helpful it is.
One wife put it into her husbands laptop bag and he took that bag everywhere with him...

Hmmm... mine carries a laptop bag.  I will look into this.  Thank you!

[pinkttulips5]

So, things are okay as far as how we are getting along, etc.. we get along pretty good actually like always.

I just have been watching google maps when he is at work (not sure if I mentioned this... about 3 yrs ago he had me set up a gmail, and I get into it to send emails for him if I need to and as long as his location is on his phone, I can go in and see the map to track where he is).  So in Oct, he only went to her house once and he bought herb a couple days before that (we live in a state where its legal).  So he could have been taking her some.  She texted him Friday morning to see if he would give her some (like just a joint probably), he said he was trying to get some, but wouldn't be until Sunday, but she could come by the house to share some stash if she needs to (she has anxiety issues).  There was no flirting back and forth or anything and she didn't respond and didn't come over (he deleted that text and doesn't know I saw it).  I took a pic of it.  So today he went over to her house (during working hours) and I am assuming to give her some, was there for 6 mins.  He doesn't know I know this.

I still don't know for sure if something was going on between them.  If there was, it might be tapering off because he is not going to her house as much now and texting at least from his personal phone is not happening as much.

I was thinking today... He is a big giver.  He would give the shirt off his back in freezing cold weather to someone who he felt needed it more.  And that goes for his weed too.  I have told him in the past, that if he gives his weed away (has given it to others as well, men friends mostly), then we wont be able to afford for him to buy it for his own self.  So that could be why he is not telling me that he is giving it to her? 

Still just trying to make sense of it all.

[Wiseman2]

He most likely knows you are reading his email, going through his texts and tracking him on google.

Very easy to see someone logging in remotely. Log ins are time stamped and the IP address of where the login was from is also recorded and very easy to check.

He's probably staying under the radar. He knows you are suspicions and tracking him.

[pinkttulips5]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He most likely knows you are reading his email, going through his texts and tracking him on google.

Very easy to see someone logging in remotely. Log ins are time stamped and the IP address of where the login was from is also recorded and very easy to check.

He's probably staying under the radar. He knows you are suspicions and tracking him.

We are at the end age of the baby boomers.  So in his case, he is computer/phone illiterate, so he has no idea how to check.  He only knows the basics.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said:

We are at the end age of the baby boomers.  So in his case, he is computer/phone illiterate, so he has no idea how to check.  He only knows the basics.

yeah, I don't think he's that aware of what you're doing...  just keep it to yourself and keep observing.

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said:

We are at the end age of the baby boomers.  So in his case, he is computer/phone illiterate, so he has no idea how to check.  He only knows the basics.

Listen, regardless of how you think your husband will react I think you should really bypass all of that spyware, Google map, Voice Activated Recorder craziness.

Like someone else said, it's an emotionally exhaustive process because its nonstop 24/y for the betrayed spouse to keep up doing. Do you really want to lower yourself to wasting time policing your husband's cell phone, computer, all because you suspect he's cheating?

All that game playing will do, is waste your time and energy.

Whatever happened to choosing the simplest route: ask him if his coworker and he are having an affair. Because you will have to admit to him that you have been constantly snooping anyway, looking for evidence.

In hindsight, what you really should have done is the minute you noticed behavior changes in him, you should have told your husband that you notice he is acting different and give him a chance to come clean. Then, if he doesn't come clean, ask him again and add that because his behavior roused your suspicion, you decided to check his cellphone when you saw him hide it on his leg.

I don't understand why married people pussyfoot like this with each other. I mean, I literally just don't see the point of it or why it's considered the smart way to handle a cheating spouse. I don't think that it is. I think it's a way to avoid confronting the truth about the health of the marriage.

What happened to just communicating with your spouse face to face about your doubts and fears? Why is that never an option? It would clear up a lot of doubts if the spouse is a truthful person. And you'd know if he was lying and could tell him as he was saying it, that you know he's lying. And eventually then the truth comes out and you can move forward. But all this pretending and pussyfooting is going to get you nowhere. Just my opinion.

My grandparents were married for over 80 years (they met and married while in high school). They never had secrets from each other because they were always truthful. They both died before technology and cellphones came into existence, but still. Any lies they told each other were minor in comparison.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, pinkttulips5 said:

,he is computer/phone illiterate, so he has no idea how to check.

So in addition to zero trust there is zero respect. You seem to think he's a moron, but sly and cunning enough to cheat.

Interesting that so much contempt, jealousy, amateur detective games etc have replaced communication and dignity in your marriage.

It seems more like you enjoy the control of tracking, policing, etc than any interest in restoring trust or intimacy.

If you choose to make your marriage a cat-and-mouse game, that's all it will ever be.

Edited November 4, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to think he's a moron, but sly and cunning enough to cheat.

I don't think an older baby boomer who is computer illiterate is necessarily a moron. 
He, by virtue of his age, just missed out on becoming computer literate.
I also do not think it takes much brain power to cheat.
The OP is simply  reacting to events.
Had he not been messing around with this coworker,  and acting shady then she would not feel the need to track him.

The problem with "honesty" when dealing with cheaters is that they will deny deny deny, minimise and gaslight, get angry and upset, then take the affair underground.
If she wants the truth then just asking is usually a waste of time, or in fact not in her best interests.

[pinkttulips5]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't think an older baby boomer who is computer illiterate is necessarily a moron. 
He, by virtue of his age, just missed out on becoming computer literate.
I also do not think it takes much brain power to cheat.
The OP is simply  reacting to events.
Had he not been messing around with this coworker,  and acting shady then she would not feel the need to track him.

The problem with "honesty" when dealing with cheaters is that they will deny deny deny, minimise and gaslight, get angry and upset, then take the affair underground.
If she wants the truth then just asking is usually a waste of time, or in fact not in her best interests.

Thank you Elaine! 

 

[pinkttulips5]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So in addition to zero trust there is zero respect. You seem to think he's a moron, but sly and cunning enough to cheat.

Interesting that so much contempt, jealousy, amateur detective games etc have replaced communication and dignity in your marriage.

It seems more like you enjoy the control of tracking, policing, etc than any interest in restoring trust or intimacy.

If you choose to make your marriage a cat-and-mouse game, that's all it will ever be.

First of all, I don't think he is a moron.  He is an older male who grew up in the 70's and early 80's NOT using electronics, and has not really used electronics since, therefore he only understands the basics.  That does not make him a "Moron"

I had trust in him UNTIL he started acting strange and things weren't adding up.  I feel I have the right to protect myself and find out the truth.  If that means I need to "police" him then so be it.  I would much rather do that and find out the truth BEFORE I confront him and confront him with evidence, than accuse him and then find out that he was only taking her a joint now and then.  Accusing him when he wasn't really doing anything wrong, except taking her a joint behind my back for fear I would be against it because it costs so much to replace, would definitely ruin our relationship and I would most likely lose him.  So yes, I would rather investigate and find out the truth first, so I can see if our relationship is worth saving, that is the kind of respect I have for him.  There is nothing wrong with me investigating first and I dont appreciate you twisting it around to try to make me out to be the bad guy, instead of the potential cheater.  Are you a cheater yourself?  Is that why you are so against us investigating to try to find out the truth and collecting evidence if they are cheating.  Because that is the first thing I thought when I read all of your responses in this post.

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, pinkttulips5 said:

I feel I have the right to protect myself and find out the truth.  If that means I need to "police" him then so be it.  I would much rather do that and find out the truth BEFORE I confront him and confront him with evidence, than accuse him and then find out that he was only taking her a joint now and then.  Accusing him when he wasn't really doing anything wrong, 

Absolutely right. Never apologize for taking whatever reasonable action is required to protect yourself and your relationship.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem with "honesty" when dealing with cheaters is that they will deny deny deny, minimise and gaslight, get angry and upset, then take the affair underground.

This. Right. Here.

When I suspected my ex of cheating, everything but the honest truth came out of his mouth.  The lengths he would go to get me off his case was marvelous and I don't use that word in a positive sense.  He would get very angry, storm out of the house, accuse me of anything he could think of, gaslight me--the whole ball of wax.  At that time, I did try to give him the benefit of the doubt... as time wore on, I began doing less and less of that. For a stretch of time, things were actually quite lovely between us.  Then by circumstance/happenstance, he outted himself and that's when I was done with him. 

and my ex was the same way about electronics... the fits he would throw because he couldn't figure out how to navigate around a computer was amazing... he also made it quite easy for me to see what he was up to because at that time, I was about that life.

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by kendahke

[ctdans]

So I still haven't heard why HE would tell his wife that this coworker mad a pass at him over a year ago.  MY mind immediately went to places I probably shouldn't.  So for OVER a year there had some type of office relationship going on where she got to the pint where her marriage was probably on the rocks and she felt comfortable enough to take a chance and tell her "office husband" or whatever that she wants to go to the next level.  But why would he say anything to his wife?  He could have shut her down and said nothing.  My thought is that he likes the emotional affair and figured if his wife ever saw anything, like she is now, the wife would recall how the lady friend was the aggressor.  Or least that is his game.

If they are just friends and  if he is just there to help her through her divorce then why would he delete the texts and hide what he is doing?  His lending of the care and feeding his wife a few crumbs here and there is to send a false message.  Let his wife (the OP) feel comfortable that there is nothing going on.

 

Something is going on and as others have said just sit down and talk.  Sure, he could just get more careful, but so what?  If he wants  to cheat he will.  You can't stop him.  But if he doesn't want to physically cheat at least he may come to his senses and be open and not delete texts or get too wrapped up.