Mia12 Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. I have been with my husband for 16yrs married 13yrs. He was an addict when I got with him drinking and pills. This I knew so I was pretty stupid. This continued on for yrs even went on to marry during this. He also got a DUI two months after marriage which cost us tons of money.Finally I moved out for several wks and told him the pills have to go so he gets on suboxone which I was ok with at the time to help. Well fast forward 10yrs and a child who is 8 he is still on them and still drinks everyday. He is very functioning so he thinks it's fine. During this time our relationship has gotten worse and more distant than ever. We have probably been intimate twice in a whole year. We are like roommates now and that's it. He then decides to stop paying our house payment it's been close to a yr and I can't believe we still have a home. We have seperate bank accounts I sneak and look at his statement and know he has the money. He doesnt support us it's on me for my son's clothes etc. I feel like I don't even think this is fixable with everything that is going on and happened. Problem is he sees no problem if I left him tomorrow he would be shocked. He is 49 and not going to change. I need something to happen I feel like I'm drowning either a seperation or divorce I need some time away. The house is in my name so I don't want to leave it but getting him to leave makes me have guilt. Stupid I know he doesn't care if we lose our home. Oh and it being in my name though he has trashed my credit completely. He would have to go to his parents right now I'm guessing. I just want a life and not this one. I just want to share my story and get some outside opinions from people who know nothing about us. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) There are some good factors about your story. You are still... aware enough to have recognized how useful it could be just to lay-out your story to others, and maybe draw encouragement or inspiration from them. You stated that the relationship has indeed "gotten worse" (which suggests that it wasn't as far down as some will have perceived its beginning to have been) Your MIND is clearly still in the game of life... and there is still time to get yourself on a track which could please you. Not only that, but you do clearly have an awareness of how you got here, which is probably a giant step toward recognizing the path out of here, once it presents itself (no, wait, that path is NOT going to present itself. You are going to have to pursue that path for the good of the time that will comprise the rest of your life.) Others will know better how to inspire you in these precious, early stages. Edited October 21, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 (edited) You need an attorney asap. You need to watch out for your child first and stop making excuses for making the poor kid's life a living hell because you're addicted to an addict. You're not the victim here. Get A Lawyer. Edited October 21, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 Just get a lawyer, and start moving toward a life without the ILLEGAL actions that will ultimately hurt you, and your kid. FYI... all my childhood friends who had drug/alcohol later in life all came from houses where the mom and/or dad had a problem, and basically in their mind... it was OK. There is only one person who was not affected by a dad who was a heavy drinker... but that's only because his dad passed away when he was only 19. Get yourself, and your kid away from that VERY SEARIOUS problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 You need a plan and that plan may or may not include selling the house. Depends on if you can financially support it or have downsize your lifestyle. I agree that at this late date he most likely will not change and he will most likely become an increasing burden in the future because he's getting older and all that implies. You at least need to talk with an attorney so that you have the information you need to make a decision. Contact Al-Anon. This organization may be able to offer you valuable help no matter what your decision is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mia12 Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 I do worry about my kid having addiction problems I know it also can be hereditary. Right now he doesn't really notice my husband hides drinking outside and he isn't noticeable to him yet. He is not one to get mean or anything thank god. I can get me feet on the ground and my parents will help me to keep the house until I get caught up. They will not help as long as he is here because he should be doing it. I hate having to get help from them. I paid it for the longest time and when my work got slow turned it over to him bad mistake. He is used to me bailing us out in some way and I refuse to do it. My mind is so warped that if the relationship is not abusive physically or constant fighting I think I can't leave. I definitely don't want this though I'm 42 and don't want my life wasted. I think my son would have a hard time at first but it's not good him seeing his parents like this either. Also as he gets older the drinking will become obvious. I have done my best and stood by him through thick and thin and it has worn me down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 You could benefit from Al-Anon. It's a support group for people in love with addicts. They will give you insight, strength & understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 Time to leave Mia, you can't fix this. I've seen it before and tried to fix it myself with a family member. it's impossible. Do what's best for you and your child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 For your kids sake, get out ASAP. The posters are right - it just isn't good for him. The sooner the better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 On 10/21/2020 at 10:01 AM, Mia12 said: The house is in my name so I don't want to leave it but getting him to leave makes me have guilt. Stupid I know he doesn't care if we lose our home. Oh and it being in my name though he has trashed my credit completely. He is showing you he does not care about you. And you would feel guilty about getting him to leave? You have a responsibility to your child to provide for him, (seeing your H is not), can you do that with no house and a trashed credit rating? You need to get into damage control very fast. Seek out local legal advice. Educate yourself on the best path forward out of this mess, and get to it. Go visit your mortgage lender/holder, talk to them. They are in the business of money, they most likely want the money not your house, they will work with you (if it's not too late). Covid-19 might be helping.... Is the house worth saving? If he has claim to half the value of the house and exercises that claim, can your parents cover that when he is out of the picture. If house value has gone up and you have paid the majority of the mortgage this could be a sizable sum... Open your eyes and look what your H is showing you by his actions. Your actions should reflect what you see. Seek local legal advice. Visit your mortgage lender. Educate yourself for the best way forward. Assume nothing, you have made enough mistakes already. Do not delay. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 There's a cure for this. Divorce. This is not just a situation of boredom. This is a situation where expert legal advice and expert therapeutic support is essential. Link to post Share on other sites
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