Interracial marriage failing at least it feels like it could use some different eyes on this

[AlieshaBaby]

Hey guys I am in need of some advice with regards to my marriage. I feel like it is starting to fail and I don't want it to. Some background my husband and I have been married for a couple of years but have been together since high school we both have really well-paying jobs so no real money issues. We are an interracial couple with him being a white guy I know shocking and myself African American. We have been together so long and we have been through the wringer and have weathered a lot of things living in the south of the US it is still I guess shocking when two people of different races fall in love. We both instantly clicked even back in High school his family hasn't ever been the most supportive of our relationship and his stepmom threatened repeatedly to disown him if he chose to stay with me. My Family I feel has defiantly taken him in as one of our own and we have always had his back even when his family and friends have chosen to turn their backs on him. Well, we recently discovered that we are expecting our first and we have both want kids and have always talked about it. We weren't actively trying for one but we weren't really trying not to if that makes sense? Well, I guess in the last week he has started to just distance himself from me and I can drop the most subtle of hints that he normally instantly picks up on for sex and he just isn't interested and he has been pretty abrasive and irritable and when I try and talk to him about it he just snaps and says it is nothing. He hasn't ever been like this before our communication is normally just on point and amazing but this week into last it just isn't there. And I have tried everything and he just isn't wanting to open up to me and I am honestly at a loss for words of what to do, My first thought was he is cheating on me but not him he is too loyal and just isn't the type to step out on a Women, ya know? I honestly think it is his family but I am unsure? I just dunno how to get through to him and hoping some fresh eyes can lend some perspective on this and help me? Thank's Y'all.

[Acacia98]

Perhaps he's anxious about becoming a father in general or more specifically about becoming a father to a black kid in a racist society? That's my first guess. The prospect of becoming a parent can be terrifying for some people. It can bring all their fears and insecurities and limitations to light. If his family is racist, then the circumstances (approaching fatherhood) may be forcing him to come face-to-face with his upbringing and the fear that he might be racist himself and "not good enough" to parent your child.

As for the possibility of cheating: I have no idea whether he's cheating. But I would suggest that you don't ever dismiss the possibility outright, not just where your husband is concerned, but anyone really. I think almost anyone would cheat under the "right" circumstances.

I would be wary if I were you. It's generally not a good thing if a man starts to distance himself from his wife when she is pregnant. Whatever the reasons for his behavior, this is not an easy time for you. You need his support, not aloofness.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Acacia98
Adding an explanation

[Wiseman2]

Marriage counseling. Expecting is a big step. You need to take the race out of the equation. That's what's causing problems that have nothing to do with the real issue of how you both really feel about this news. Many couples are stressed out about pregnancy.

[mark clemson]

In the absence of any other evidence, my guess would be a rough patch due to the pregnancy. A big life change that can trigger anxiety, and some people start turning mean when they are anxious. Additionally, the fact you are pregnant may be impacting his desire level - this would be primarily a psychological thing with him if it's the case (but nonetheless a real issue). Hopefully, some open honest communication and his processing his feelings should help. Consider a marriage counselor.

You could keep an eye on things just in case it's something else, but in the absence of real evidence, don't jump to any conclusions. Trust, but also verify a bit IF you feel it's needed to help yourself feel sure in that trust.

[AlieshaBaby]

Well We had a talk tonight and he tried giving me some ******** excuses the first few minutes of this conversation and I just wouldn't let it go. Just too deep into this relationship and marriage for him to start pulling this ******** on me now. So as one would imagine it just spiraled into a fight, And I can't remember the last time we actually had a full-fledged fight like we did tonight in all honesty. But All I got out of him as he hasn't been feeling good and that his parents have been pretty ****ty towards him still and that they were not happy when he told them they were going to be grandparents. We have been battling his parents since we first started dating honestly. That isn't really surprising but he wouldn't tell me why he wasn't feeling well, just hope it isn't anything serious in all honesty. Because that is the last thing we need right now all things considered. I have asked him just to cut his parents out and he has tried it but they always wiggle their way back in saying they have changed and are going to change and every time we just come back full circle. Just really frustrating.

[Acacia98]

18 minutes ago, AlieshaBaby said:

I have asked him just to cut his parents out and he has tried it but they always wiggle their way back in saying they have changed and are going to change and every time we just come back full circle. 

I hear your frustration, but it's not your place to dictate the terms of his relationship with his parents. If he cuts ties with them, that should be his decision, not yours. If you're not happy with the boundaries he sets with them, you should be able to voice your concerns and he should take them into consideration. But the ultimate decision should be his. If the decision he makes harms you and your child, you have every right to consider ending things.

I second everyone who says you should try marriage counselling. Arguing with each other (which seems to be inevitable as long as you try to handle this difficult subject on your own) may only make things worse.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AlieshaBaby said:

 . I have asked him just to cut his parents out and he has tried it but 

You can't do that. It won't solve your marital problems. What you can do is not pay attention to his parent's opinions rather than hope they change their mind about things.

You need to be more secure in your marriage and starting a family. You're too obsessed with hating his family. 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, AlieshaBaby said:

I have asked him just to cut his parents out and he has tried it but they always wiggle their way back in saying they have changed and are going to change and every time we just come back full circle. Just really frustrating.

You absolutely cannot tell someone to cut their parents out of their life.  If you have  a problem with his parents and them a problem with you, then YOU stay away from them. Just don't engage in the drama.  Stay home and mind your business and you will see that when the baby is born they will change.  I've seen this before in interracial marriages where once the baby is born by the couple it somehow brings the family together.  Forcing your husband to give up his family is a sure way to lose him.

Edited October 22, 2020 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

you will see that when the baby is born they will change.

I think this is possible as well.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is sad. This should be a happy time where you're envisioning your future family together. Your husband should protect you and the baby against any intrusion.

I agree that you're better off taking the high road. Try to understand that your husband struggles with all this pressure and be as supportive as you can. Keep your distance from it. You don't need stress during pregnancy - or ever!

[AlieshaBaby]

I guess I should also explain my other post a bit better, I have never forced him to like cut off his family or anything like that I have just expressed that it might be a bit better if he were to do so and he has like I said given it a few goes at doing just that. I will always support him no matter what he chooses to do with regards to his family because Family is always a very important aspect of life. But I guess I also know what has been bothering him now since he came home from work and apologized and just reiterated that his parents did not react the best to the pregnancy news. And that he hasn't been feeling good and has been in pain. I dunno why he tried to keep this from me because I need to know these things and have proper communication ya know? I dunno if I am allowed to go into details about what he is experiencing here so I will just say it is a male issue and it scared him and he has had blood in things that shouldn't be there if that makes sense. We both took off tomorrow and will be taking him to see his doctor tomorrow. I guess he was embarrassed and scared to tell me. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, AlieshaBaby said:

, I have never forced him to like cut off his family or anything like that I have just expressed that it might be a bit better if he were to do so and he has like I said given it a few goes at doing just that.

But telling him it would be better if he did just that,  IS putting pressure on.
From your POV, he needs to get rid of his "disagreeable" family and problem solved, BUT they are his family and to most people family is  a big deal and to some, family is all.
Of course they are always going to try  to wiggle their way back in, he is their son. They want rid of you, not him, to put it bluntly...

He wanted his family to be all in with the baby news and to be proud of him.  Most want the approval of their family, especially when it comes to core life events like having a baby..
The fact they are still hostile is a huge deal.
Yes they may go all gaga over the new-born, but maybe not.
Be prepared for anything.
It really depends on why they were  never happy with this union in the first place as to whether they will come round and accept the new baby.. 
You cannot dictate or "suggest" that he have nothing to do with them, whatever their stance. 
That is his decision to make, they are his family. 
The last thing you want is for him to end up agreeing to cutting them off to keep the peace with you, but he still sees them behind your back... or he agrees to cut them off but builds up resentment against you.

Seems the problem is more of a medical one this time, but you cannot discount the family issue as it may be why he got all distant,  grumpy and upset with you rather than just say,
"I am sore and I seem to be bleeding from somewhere..."

[AlieshaBaby]

Well, today could have definitely gone better that is for sure. His primary doctor is sending him to see an oncologist because he has a big lump on one of his testicles. So yeah that was my day today. I dunno why things are suddenly going so awful, ya know? Yes, his parents are still being racist and just not very helpful but at this point, that is secondary now that he might be dealing with cancer. I guess this explains a lot of things that are going on with him but I would have rathered it be something anything else honestly. He has just gotten really depressed today, Not eating and his parents called and he didn't really talk to them just listened to more of their crap. I am not gonna tell anyone until we know one way or another and I will let him decide if he even wants to tell anyone. But he is back to not talking to me and I guess I can understand it today. Hopefully, he will just open up to me and let me help him and be there for him. 

Also  I do not feel like I am dictating anything or told him to do anything he didn't wanna do. I just whole heartedly disagree that I have been dictating me. 

[ajequals]

I had the same issue with my wife parents. she (the Mother) was a racist till the day she died  last February. We moved a 1000 miles away when we got married. it bought us 20 years. maybe that would help. Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. The guy may have cancer and all you can think about is how much you hate his family?

Why don't you do yourselves a favor and divorce?  You can still coparent, but you can remove yourself from his family and your hatred of them.

[Starswillshine]

I hate that you have to deal with racism and non-acceptance from your in-laws. And I understand how from your perspective that it would be easier to cut them out, they are awful and they don't accept the woman he loves, should be easy right? 

But they are his family. One that he has loved his whole life. And maybe they are good people outside of being racist (i get that overall that would make them not good people, but to him, maybe he didn't see that part ever). It is an impossible place. They don't like you, you, understandably, arent a fan of them. Two people he loves... and he has to choose? (Not saying you are making him but i am sure that is how he feels especially in today's enviroment... I am sure he feels immense pressure to cut off his family completely and that is HARD.) So all he wants is his family to come around and be excited. To take this drama and tension and pressure out of his life. That weighs a man down. Add in that he is bringing a baby into this family. And how do you explain to your child, a child you love like nothing else, how do you look him/her into the eye and say, "I'm sorry but Grandma/Pa do not want to see you?" That is hard. And it is hard knowing that it is YOUR parents that are the racist jerkfaces. 

Now add in the cancer threat... oh girl, I am so sorry for you both. Guys close inward and it is so hard being the SO and trying to love them through times like this. 

 

Hugs momma!

Edited October 30, 2020 by Starswillshine

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/23/2020 at 10:15 PM, AlieshaBaby said:

Well, today could have definitely gone better that is for sure. His primary doctor is sending him to see an oncologist because he has a big lump on one of his testicles. So yeah that was my day today. I dunno why things are suddenly going so awful, ya know? Yes, his parents are still being racist and just not very helpful but at this point, that is secondary now that he might be dealing with cancer. I guess this explains a lot of things that are going on with him but I would have rathered it be something anything else honestly. He has just gotten really depressed today, Not eating and his parents called and he didn't really talk to them just listened to more of their crap. I am not gonna tell anyone until we know one way or another and I will let him decide if he even wants to tell anyone. But he is back to not talking to me and I guess I can understand it today. Hopefully, he will just open up to me and let me help him and be there for him. 

Also  I do not feel like I am dictating anything or told him to do anything he didn't wanna do. I just whole heartedly disagree that I have been dictating me. 

 

Who knows if you'll ever be back here to LS, after a week.

 

But you are quite well-spoken, and it clearly is a bad deal that you are randomly made to endure HIS parents.  It is fair to be hopeful that they may soften their hard-line stance once a little baby presents itself...   BUT it would be pointless to pin too much of your own hopes on those parents.

 

His new health concerns might explain small elements of his present self, but he is still treating you poorly, and he just needs to step-up and do better.

 

You sound (read) like somebody whose heart is right where it should be, and your relationship has a decent foundation...   and I'm hopeful that you'll both draw upon adult feelings and maturity  to figure out how to solve most of your concerns.    (divide them into indivual parts and work on what you can control, and chip-away to the best of your abilities)

 

(your husband just needs to find his adult feelings and maturity )

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

My first reaction is that he's feeling: devastated by his family's inability to embrace his life with you and a grandkid on the way. That would rock anyone's world. He probably had held out hope that things would change when a baby came along (that is sometimes the case in interracial marriages). But then he announces your pregnancy to them and they spit on him.

How else do you expect him to feel but horrible? Not bummed, no "shake it off." But thoroughly demoralized horrible. 

He's also feeling ashamed, embarrassed, abandoned, neglected, rejected, hopeless and on and on. BTW: drop the sex hints as a way to open him up. No, he's hurting at a deep level right now. Go hug the guy. Hug him. Kiss him on the forehead. Tell him he's wonderful. Tell him all the great things you truly like about him. Express some empathy for his parents' rejection. Getting rejected by parents is huge, disorienting, demoralizing.

He probably grew up being ignored and neglected by these folks and now that neglect is continuing--now for race reasons--but his people don't seem like they ever were the nurturing kind. That leaves its imprint on people. 

I'm a little confused that this has not occurred to you. 

 

[elaine567]

On 10/24/2020 at 6:15 AM, AlieshaBaby said:

His primary doctor is sending him to see an oncologist because he has a big lump on one of his testicles.

@Lotsgoingon
I agree with your assessment, but there is an update.

Edited November 4, 2020 by elaine567

[Lotsgoingon]

Obviously the cancer is tough. The most resilient people in the world get thrown on their butts by cancer. Young people are just shocked out of their sense of being young. Cancer and other serious conditions trigger all of our insecurities and fears. You need your family when you have cancer, and this guy knows his family is terrible at loving him and accepting him. 

My point: he's not just depressed and terrified of the cancer. He's also feeling more insecure and less personal power based on his family's rejection of his family.  Cancer patients benefit from therapy and support groups and lots and lots of love. Even then, the diagnosis (even a survivable one) can be brutal to your esteem and your sense of yourself. 

BTW: when my ex had cancer (before we were married), we attended conferences held by cancer survivor groups. One thing one woman (who had survived cancer) said is that cancer is terrible for relationships. She and doctors there said the same thing. They said this because they wanted to jolt people out of the view that "Oh, we'll become closer" based cancer. Unfortunately that isn't necessarily true. The cancer person is distracted, exhausted, terrified ... feels isolated, alone, picked on, unlucky, cursed. My ex's supervisor scared the heck out of her with some dumb remarks about holding her job. The people above the supervisor were understanding, but cancer still triggers job insecurity. The spouse gets exhausted. 

I don't say this to bum you out but to point out that a huge part of cancer is the existential anguish. Your man's family really is letting him down big time. BTW: as spouse of a cancer patient, see if you can get all the love and support you can from your friends and family. Here's some brutal advice. Friends tend to get paralyzed. "Let me know what I can do," they'll say. The problem is, you're too insecure (the patient and the spouse) to be specific about what you need. And certainly way too insecure to ask for it. 

Here's what to ask for: food, dinners out. Ask friends to bring you food on particular nights. Tell friends you need help cleaning your living place--that's a tough one, but no one feels like keeping living space clean and neat when one partner is terrified and the other is exhausted attending to the terrified one. Go get massages and other treats (subject to Covid restrictions of course). The spouse benefits from being brutally self-caring during this time. That's the only way you'll have patience to deal with a partner who won't be a loving partner for a while and may indeed be a moody, distracted, cranky partner (understandably so). 

You can make it through this--you and your hubby. But start reading on getting support for partner with cancer .Start connecting. You need to share this information with friends IMMEDIATELY. Holding on to this information is just self-destructive and self-neglecting. Dump the burden on friends. Isolation is coming your way and you've got to take aggressive steps to block it. Friends can handle it. To not share this information is to give in to the stigma of cancer, as if there is something wrong with your hubby. There's nothing wrong with him any more than there is something wrong with heart patients or people with any other condition.  (Nothing wrong but HE'LL FEEL like there's something wrong with him.)

Burn up the phone lines, burn up zoom. Find a support group--I'm talking spouse support group--which actually should be easier to find on zoom these days since you can attend meetings across geography.  Break isolation. Isolation is the relationship killer. You cannot do this alone or in silence. 

Good luck. 

[kismetkismet]

I disagree with the posters saying that you shouldn't have any say in the boundaries he sets with his racist parents. He's your husband, and now the soon to be father of your children. Do you want your children growing up around people that resent them and are prejudiced towards them?

I don't think he should necessarily be expected to cut them off entirely, but boundaries need to be put in place. Maybe they don't have to fall in love with you, but they DO need to respect you, your relationship with him, and your soon to be children.  If he won't set those boundaries, I would be reconsidering the relationship entirely. I love my parents, but if they were being disrespectful bigots towards the most important person in my life, you bet your *** we would not have a normal relationship until they did.