Are my husband's comments an issue or can I just not take a joke?

[sunsurfsand822]

This quarantine has made my husband and I bicker more at what seems to be trivial things, and I can’t figure out how to blow past them. For the most part, my husband is caring and thoughtful. And our senses of humor are compatible. However, there are moments where he’ll say something and my mind immediately flips out - and I can’t figure out why or if it’s justified. For example, after making dinner last night he asked which piece of chicken I wanted - I pointed to one. And he goes ohh sure, take the one with all the sauce! I snapped because it felt like he was criticizing my cooking even though I know he was joking. And then after sitting down he looked at the utensils and said huh, old knife new fork. Because we had recently switched up our cutlery. Again - small comment but I felt on edge again. Work has been stressful for both of us, so that may be a factor but I just can’t seem to figure out why I over analyze every thing he is saying lately.

Any thoughts or advice?

[Wiseman2]

Bickering over nonsense is usually to avoid the much bigger elephant in the room.

How long have you been married? Do you both work? How is intimacy and communication?

Step back and reflect on what is REALLY bothering you. Covid is out there but don't blame that.

[Atwood]

How does it make you feel when he makes comments like that? Identify the feeling. 

Is it inadequacy? Incompetency? Worries that you are selfish or careless? 

In any case, once you've identified how it makes you feel, accept those feelings as valid (it's okay to feel upset about something small). Next, consider a time or person who has made you feel that feeling before, and how unpleasant it was to experience. It's possible that when he makes comments like that, it's triggering those same feelings again, which is unpleasant. 

I would say be honest with him. Sometimes I will catch myself feeling hurt by something harmless by boyfriend has said, and it's always okay for me to just say "hey I know you didn't intend it like this, but when you said that it kind of made me feel like I'm not good enough? Am I good enough or is it something I should worry about?" and that's a good time for him to reassure me and bond again after the mini-hurt and it's easy to move on and forget about it. I honestly struggle to remember the times he's hurt my feelings now. 

[Fletch Lives]

Wow, you are in a bad mood. At least you are aware of it.

I'd say you need some healthy space.........that might be hard to do in a pandemic. By healthy space, I mean more time apart........more time spent away from him in another room or another house, or away doing other things with friends or family or other activities.

 

 

[elaine567]

Is cooking dinner or setting the table a bone of contention for you?
Are you harbouring some resentment there? Does he do his fair share?

Are these "jokes" really "digs" and are you now seeing them for what they are?

[d0nnivain]

Something is making you sensitive to these otherwise not so bad trivial jokes.  Try to figure out if it's Covid, the general state of the world, all the togetherness of quarantine, something else or a combo.  

Sometimes when these triggering comments set you off the best thing to do is take a deep breath, count to ten, calm yourself & then respond.  

[mark clemson]

I would just add that whatever this is it's probably coming from both of you not just one of you, so don't blame only yourself (or only him).

I think there probably is an elephant in the room, although whether it's actually a huge issue or just a relatively transitory one (in the scheme of a LT marriage) is an open question IMO. Just "giving each other more space" may resolve it if it's actually a short-term/less-of-a-huge-deal thing.

IF it's actually a huge issue, then seeing a marriage counselor may be a good idea, as sometimes it helps quite a bit to have a referee when discussing major issues, particularly if there is some verbal sniping going on as that tends to derail productive conversations, but the MC might help keep the productive discussion on track.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elephant_in_the_room

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like you need a little time apart, a chance to miss each other. Even the most lovable person gets annoying when you're around him/her ALL THE TIME.

[notbroken]

Those comments sound like he is just talking - not really complaining.  You are making mountains out of molehills.  Honestly,  if you are angry and are looking for things to make you even angrier you will find them.  Cut him a break.   An even larger one than normal due to covid.  Seriously.  Having very similar issues.  I think a lot of us are. Don't become a casualty because your husband noticed the silverware didn't match and said something about it (which I doubt he meant as a complaint). 

[stillafool]

Sounds like too much time together and you're getting on each other's nerves.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think that if it never bothered you before, it's the proximity. This much togetherness is unnatural, at least IMO. We were meant to be together but not constantly.

However, if these things did bother you before, yet you got a respite from them because you were apart, I'd think more about it. I'd wonder if he was being passive-aggressive. I mean really, those ARE passive-aggressive comments if there are several of them in each meal and if they're just happening all day long.

[Ellener]

I got in a pointless argument with my son one night, I thought it ironic he is the only person I see right now and we wasted time quarrelling! Then we both looked at each other and there was a moment of realisation- this is stupid. We both shut up and he went to sleep for a few hours and I watched tv, then we had a talk and he went home.

That being the thing- we aren't together 24/7. I won't see him for a week probably. There's time to de-compress and we'll text or email about anything residual from the argument.

8 hours ago, sunsurfsand822 said:

can’t seem to figure out why I over analyze every thing he is saying lately.

Well there isn't enough else to do maybe? My married friends have said in the past they drove each other crazy unless they focused on a hobby or interest separately part of the time.

Are you both working from home too?

But your husband's comments are very mild to be called 'passive aggressive' or 'criticisms' especially if he's thoughtful and considerate as a partner.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hard to tell because so much meaning lies in the tone of voice the person speaks in and the context.

One guess I have is that your hubby is really going through some negative period ... and he's unfortunately bringing that to the table with you. He's complaining a bit like a 7-year-old ... or maybe a teenager would complain.  If he made his comments and then stopped ... and smiled and thanked you ... I think you would feel fine. But he's not doing that.

You might wanna go ahead and tell him that you are worried that he is unhappy and you're not sure if he's angry with you or not ... something tells me this guy is gonna say, "no, everything's fine. don't make a big deal ..." Which is a copout but that's what my gut says he'll do based on your short description.

What man doesn't know that you do not gripe about your partner's cooking? Are you the main cook in the house? And if you set the table, what husband doesn't know to shut his trap about all of that? My dad was old school born 100 years ago and he knew that 50 years ago. Literally my mother would have chased him out  of the house if had complained about her food given all the work she put in. 

What else is going on in your husband's life. Life be brutal: what's going on in his work and has his mood been off lately? Avoid "I don't know." You are with a lot. Your assessment will be accurate if you let your intuition combine with what you're observing. I am NOT asking what HE says. He sounds out of touch with his feelings. I'm asking what YOU think is going on with him. 

So no, I think you have a right to notice what you're noticing--absolutely! ... Your husband is doing a version of being passive aggressive. Instead of talking directly about something important, he keeps taking jabs that are so small, it's hard to call him on it. You are right to pay attention to this. 

 

 

 

[boymommy]

Sounds like your husband has a dry sarcastic type sense of humor and you can be sensitive to that. Perhaps with the stress of quarantine you are just taking his jokes to heart? You said you have been bickering more as well so at times when our brains are under stress and feeling anxious they have a tendency to “look” for things that are wrong-but really its a non-issue in the grand sheme of things. In other words..if you are stressed out enough and looking for something wrong with your relationship then you will find one. But is that really what you want for you or your marriage?

Edited October 22, 2020 by boymommy

[ShyViolet]

Your reactions are way out of proportion to what he is saying.  I don't see how the things he said are offensive at all.... they are really trivial things.  You seem very stressed out and you're letting the tiniest things cause you to get upset.  Take a step back, spend more time away from him.

[schlumpy]

22 hours ago, sunsurfsand822 said:

This quarantine has made my husband and I bicker more at what seems to be trivial things, and I can’t figure out how to blow past them. For the most part, my husband is caring and thoughtful. And our senses of humor are compatible. However, there are moments where he’ll say something and my mind immediately flips out - and I can’t figure out why or if it’s justified. For example, after making dinner last night he asked which piece of chicken I wanted - I pointed to one. And he goes ohh sure, take the one with all the sauce! I snapped because it felt like he was criticizing my cooking even though I know he was joking. And then after sitting down he looked at the utensils and said huh, old knife new fork. Because we had recently switched up our cutlery. Again - small comment but I felt on edge again. Work has been stressful for both of us, so that may be a factor but I just can’t seem to figure out why I over analyze every thing he is saying lately.

Any thoughts or advice?

This reminds me of a report I saw on the national news two nights ago that divorce is up thirty-three percent.

Tell him what's bothering you. He can't read your mind.

Joking for him is likely a stress reliever but for you it's a trigger.

I suggest you pull out the old board game "Sorry" that's been gathering dust in the closet and aggressively send him home a few times.

Popcorn and board games are good memories.