Ex of 7 month relationship invited me to her birthday after a month and half of break up.

[Sanfamio]

So i'v was dating this girl for 7 months and she decided to end it before a month because for an instance i showed insecurity and jealousy which i have never felt with any of my previous exes. She was loyal, it was my fault. I asked for a chance ,twice, within 2 weeks of break up. She said she wouldnt feel the same. We just text rarely these days. No initiation from my end. She says she wants to stay friends and now she invited me to her birthday which is on Nov 7. Am confused about this. Should i work on myself and have a last chance and attend her birthday and see how it goes. Or should i say no? She isnt dating anyone and she is just bringing her friends to the party. Please help. Thanks in advance.

[schlumpy]

You can't be friends if you still have romantic feelings for her.

I think she's asking for friendship because she feels guilty about how the relationship ended or what she did to end it.

That observation depends on what you did when jealous. Was it a manic episode? Did you put your fist through the wall? 

[Sanfamio]

Nah, i was kinda drunk and just told things like she is selfish and that i do have some bad things to tell about her and not to push me to say all those things. And then i ended the conversation and went to bed! Next morning is when i called her and she told me its done. 

[schlumpy]

I will assume you did apologize. It's just one of those blowups that happen in a developing relationship except she jumped ship.

I still have to recommend you not go if you have feelings for her and all she is offering is friendship.

You will never be happy with it or be able to move on with your own life especially when she dates other guys.

She ended it. If she wants back then she has to initiate. I think dropping your status from lover to friend is a non-starter.

Your best friend right now is no contact.

 

[snowboy91]

She said she wants to stay friends, so I'd assume her inviting you is a continuation of that.

If you're going to go there hoping you can get back together, I would expect to be disappointed, so don't go. If you can handle going as a friend, then sure.

[Sanfamio]

She does miss me every now and then and tries to text or call me. But i dont respind too much these days. Just working on myself right now. So, if am feeling any better by that day i thought id give it a go. Anyways, i will consider what you guys suggested. Highly appreciated. Thank you so much. 

[Beachead]

@Sanfamio

Hey OP,

I think an important question to address here is why did you feel she was selfish?  Something obviously sent your thoughts in that direction.   

In order for you to decide what's right for you and what you should do as a result, I'd ask myself that.

 - Beach

Edited October 22, 2020 by Beachead

[Sanfamio]

She is an introvert by nature and i was not expressing too much love towards me through words like i did. Instead of realising that i grew impatient and told she is selfish and just thinks about protecting her feelings and doesnt give a heck about mine. My mistake. I realose all my mistakes now and am working on it. But cant decide if i should give it one last try or move on? Am in no contact , rather rare contact these days. No texts or calls from my end. Its been about a week this way.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sanfamio said:

She does miss me every now and then and tries to text or call me. 

Unfortunately this sounds like classic friend zone. Add that to being a guest at her birthday party and it gets worse. That means she now thinks of you as a male girlfriend.

You need to make a clean break.

[basil67]

Regarding the birthday invitation, are you part of her friend group?   If so, she may have invited you out of respect for you as part of the friend group.  

[Miss Spider]

I know you see this Bday party as a chance to flex on your ex, but I think that you are now firmly in friend zone. I don’t think you showing one insecurity is really the cause of the break up. It was probably a conglomerate of things. Most likely related to your insecurities but I don’t know the whole story obviously. Nevertheless, she isn’t interested anymore and you’ll get nothing out of going to her bday and she’ll get an extra gift. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Beachead]

@Sanfamio

Quote

She is an introvert by nature and i was not expressing too much love towards me through words like i did. Instead of realising that i grew impatient and told she is selfish and just thinks about protecting her feelings and doesnt give a heck about mine. My mistake. I realose all my mistakes now and am working on it. But cant decide if i should give it one last try or move on? Am in no contact , rather rare contact these days. No texts or calls from my end. Its been about a week this way.

I think this is insightful and reasonable and I don't really believe this is a deal-breaker.  It's simply the both of you, learning about eachother as you work on your relationship and through it discovering differences and learning to work with them together.  It's unreasonable to expect someone to be 100% compatible with you and so I believe she ended things a bit prematurely.

Nonetheless, you wanted to get back together and try again.  She doesn't.  This is an impass and I'll explain why.

 In breaking up with you, it means she's choosing to give somone new a chance, whether she's met them already or down the road and that new person will not feel good about her continuing to talk to her ex (You).  So, he will tell her to put distance or stop talking altogether..and she'll listen, because she is now invested in him and that relationship.  In the process, you will quickly find yourself cut out of her life or distanced to the point where you might as well leave.  You will also discover that your feelings and the history, will impede your ability to genuinely be a friend to her.  She will not be able to be herself with you and you will not be able to be yourself with her.  You will find yourself hoping and expecting things from her.  You will ulterior motives.  And this will impede her ability to be a genuine friend to you, as she will always be on her toes, second guessing every conversation and interaction with you.   

You both must learn how to be fulfilled and happy without one another in order to be genuine to eachother without motives and expectations and second guessing.  Time and distance is required for this. Therefore you two will not and cannot be friends in the immediate future.    Her requesting friendship is unrealistic and unreasonable and simply not doable.  From experience, "friendship" is offered after a breakup for the person requesting it..not for the other person.  In you case, it is a bad deal with you getting the short end of the straw.

I'd give her a call and politely decline going to the birthday party.   Let her know what you've said in the above quote.  You can say your sorry, but let her know you are not willing to be friends as that will not be possible for you.  Do NOT tell her you miss her and ask for another chance.  After this conversation, remove her from social media and just delete her number from your phone (You can keep a written copy of it somewhere out of your sight). This is for your sanity as you won't have to see every update she makes online, that'll drive your anxiety through the roof. Even though she will no longer have access to you  on social media, she can still call or text if she wishes to contact you and you will know who it is.,  After some time, you can block the number if you wish.

This is not to say there's no hope at all, but to say right now, it's best for you to go your separate ways, given how she feels.  Staying "friends" will create drama that you don't want.  In time, the silence and distance may afford her some clarity about what went down between the both of you and she may change her mind...or she may not.  In any case, the matter is out of your hands and it will be up to her to let your know if she's willing to try again.   If you don't hear from her and months pass by and continue to collect, it likely means she made her decision.

For the time being, carry on with your life and allow the time and space to heal you.  It will hurt for awhile but that hurt will also you to process your pain and the relationship itself. You  may find that in that time a realization of whether you are really capable of being with someone who is introverted and/or express affection in the way she does, or whether you aren't.  

- Beach

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like you were more into her than she was you and you felt the imbalance. The initial dynamic you have with a partner rarely changes. It is what it is.

She may want to try for friendship, but if you're hoping for more, this may be a disappointment. It's up to you whether you want to try that or not.

I've never been able to pull off being friends with an ex. A very distant friendly presence, maybe, via email only - but real friends, no.

[mark clemson]

If you want to do her a favor by staying friends there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but consider - is this "friendship" stopping you from moving on? If so, it's not really fair to you.

Also: different people have different dealbreakers and you may have inadvertently struck one in something you said or did. IF that's the case, it's just as well because you're likely to actually be incompatible and it would have happened eventually (and will again if you attempt to get back together).

If it was me, what I think I would do is agree to be friends but at a minimal level while moving on (you seem to sort of be doing that). Not bother with the party or anything or being an orbiter to her (or letting her be one to you in a way that interferes with moving on).

There are other fish in the sea. Consider going on a date with someone new instead of going to her party.

 

[Interstellar]

Sounds great. Put on a happy face. Put on a show, nothing bothers you. You’re too cool even though you’re dying inside, hit on her girlfriends or have her introduce you. You may meet someone new!

All is far in love and war right? unless, you still have feelings for her, then just block and delete.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Interstellar

[Sanfamio]

15 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Sanfamio

I think this is insightful and reasonable and I don't really believe this is a deal-breaker.  It's simply the both of you, learning about eachother as you work on your relationship and through it discovering differences and learning to work with them together.  It's unreasonable to expect someone to be 100% compatible with you and so I believe she ended things a bit prematurely.

Nonetheless, you wanted to get back together and try again.  She doesn't.  This is an impass and I'll explain why.

 In breaking up with you, it means she's choosing to give somone new a chance, whether she's met them already or down the road and that new person will not feel good about her continuing to talk to her ex (You).  So, he will tell her to put distance or stop talking altogether..and she'll listen, because she is now invested in him and that relationship.  In the process, you will quickly find yourself cut out of her life or distanced to the point where you might as well leave.  You will also discover that your feelings and the history, will impede your ability to genuinely be a friend to her.  She will not be able to be herself with you and you will not be able to be yourself with her.  You will find yourself hoping and expecting things from her.  You will ulterior motives.  And this will impede her ability to be a genuine friend to you, as she will always be on her toes, second guessing every conversation and interaction with you.   

You both must learn how to be fulfilled and happy without one another in order to be genuine to eachother without motives and expectations and second guessing.  Time and distance is required for this. Therefore you two will not and cannot be friends in the immediate future.    Her requesting friendship is unrealistic and unreasonable and simply not doable.  From experience, "friendship" is offered after a breakup for the person requesting it..not for the other person.  In you case, it is a bad deal with you getting the short end of the straw.

I'd give her a call and politely decline going to the birthday party.   Let her know what you've said in the above quote.  You can say your sorry, but let her know you are not willing to be friends as that will not be possible for you.  Do NOT tell her you miss her and ask for another chance.  After this conversation, remove her from social media and just delete her number from your phone (You can keep a written copy of it somewhere out of your sight). This is for your sanity as you won't have to see every update she makes online, that'll drive your anxiety through the roof. Even though she will no longer have access to you  on social media, she can still call or text if she wishes to contact you and you will know who it is.,  After some time, you can block the number if you wish.

This is not to say there's no hope at all, but to say right now, it's best for you to go your separate ways, given how she feels.  Staying "friends" will create drama that you don't want.  In time, the silence and distance may afford her some clarity about what went down between the both of you and she may change her mind...or she may not.  In any case, the matter is out of your hands and it will be up to her to let your know if she's willing to try again.   If you don't hear from her and months pass by and continue to collect, it likely means she made her decision.

For the time being, carry on with your life and allow the time and space to heal you.  It will hurt for awhile but that hurt will also you to process your pain and the relationship itself. You  may find that in that time a realization of whether you are really capable of being with someone who is introverted and/or express affection in the way she does, or whether you aren't.  

- Beach

Thanks a lot for the detailed explanation.appreciate it. Will decline her invitation to the party . Have a good one. 😊