Refusing to Jump to Accusations Ended Friendship?

[vwisme]

@lotsgoing

Hey! So thank you for your input and I appreciate the open and honest critiquing.

So I wasn't the one to offer to end the friendship first. She actually threw that out and I responded with maybe it's best we shouldn't be friends. 

With that being said, I fully agree with you. I engaged and went along with the self-destructive move by mirroring. That was unnecessary and if I truly wanted to continue the friendship, I should have never said that. In full transparency that was a moment of pride, ego, and hurt. I should have clearly stated that she hit a boundary for me but instead I decided to meet fire with fire. 

Thank you for your input here and I think this is an issue I need to look at with myself. Boundaries doesn't mean I cut someone off right away. Thank you.

 

In regards to the statement I made: "If this is all true, I know some friends that are going to be deeply hurt" 

Sorry for the confusion but I wanted to clear that up. That statement was made after I had already made comments about how this situation is horrible for the women that were affected. This was an off hand comment made after a week long of back and forth about this issue and this is the only time I've left room for the accused. 

 

With all of that being said, you are right. The wisest thing would have been to state I was speechless and shut up. Thank you

 

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, vwisme said:

No. I would not view her stance differently. I would understand where she was coming from in a more empathetic way possibly. But here is an assumption I don't fully understand. Why is it that if a man speaks up on the issue, it's automatically determined he cannot relate. I fully acknowledge that women are much more likely to be victims of a sexual crime but with all due respect, your statement comes across as if there was no way I would have been a victim of rape? 

Should her stance differ if she knew I was speaking from a place of healed from past hurt? (sorry if that question is phrased clunky) 

 

If you would possibly react in a more empathetic way, then that is viewing it differently.   It's about adding compassion to the mix.

I don't know why you're making this about gender or not having been raped.  I am a woman who has never been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted.  I would not presume to understand what a rape survivor was feeling.  And even if I had been raped, I would not presume to know how another woman in that situation would react or feel.  I would not presume to understand what someone who's been sexually assaulted had been though.  And there are degrees of violence in all this stuff too.   Humans have complex emotions and don't react the same way to the same circumstances.  Some people may get over trauma relatively easily and others end up with PTSD.    So no, I don't see how you can fully understand an experience someone else has had because, like me, you are not in their mind.  This is all a moot point though because we don't know what her history is.

If we view the circumstance of having a strong disagreement with a friend I valued, I would have reacted differently to you and it's not about my gender.  Rather, it's about conflict resolution techniques.   If I was in discussion with a valued friend and recognised that that my friend and I were firmly in opposite camps on an emotive issue, I'd seek to de-escalate as quickly as possible .  If I had been you in this discussion, I probably would have said something about how shocking it is and moved the conversation to talking about "I wonder what will happen next".  We would not have gotten to the point of discussing the future of the friendship.

Taking it further, it does sound like you want the results of the court case before making a decision.   So what if he's found 'not guilty'?  The verdict of 'not guilty' doesn't necessarily mean innocent.  Of course, it's possible the accused is innocent, but it's also possible that one juror held out.  Or parts of evidence couldn't be presented.  Or there was a poor witness or a great lawyer.   Thing is, the court isn't about truth, it's about law.   And so people in your friend group will form their own opinions and if they feel strongly enough in different directions, it could well split the group.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

13 hours ago, vwisme said:

Steering clear is what I am choosing to do. Thank you. And I fully agree with your statement that victims are capable of rational thinking and communication.  

Good that you've decided to steer clear at this point.  

Reporting criminal accusations from social media to friends who don't have social media is gossip, imo. Depending on what you said, it could be categorized as slander. Not saying you did slander someone. It's just a very slippery slope to put yourself on. You're on this forum because you've gotten yourself into a situation with a friend that's more than uncomfortable for you.You've lost a friend that you valued enough to bring it to a forum to process. And you want feedback. Sometimes the best feedback you can get is feedback that hurts. IMO, you did something that was not only unwise, it also could hurt an innocent person, the accused, deeply by spreading a rumor. I'm not claiming the alleged rapist is innocent. I'm just saying IF he is, what you made yourself a part of could hurt, not only your friendship that you lost but also an innocent person.

Five men or women claiming something doesn't make it so and it's possible that this gossip may have hurt an innocent person's reputation irreparably. 

If I had friends on social media who were accusing others of criminal behavior there not only would I not spread the word, I would also unfriend those doing so.