I don't know if i'm just unreasonably jealous or if it's justified

[violetta612]

I(23F) have been in a relationship for three months with a great guy(26M). He is my first serious relationship and he is the first guy I have truly ever looked at thinking... wow this could really be it. I know it's early stages but I have never felt this way before and it's a breath of fresh air. 

Despite this, I am starting to have minor reservations.... I don't know if they are just bad on my part or if there might be something on the surface. 

- First off, in the early stages of us dating i saw he had an entire album on his phone of him and his ex. I'm talking pictures/videos of her naked, them naked together. I was very uncomfortable about it. I never told him to delete them because although it made me uncomfortable and i made that known, i wanted him to delete them because he wanted to, not because i was 'nagging' him to do so. He ended up deleted them. despite this, I noticed few photos still in his phone clustered in his regular photos album. I was scrolling through his pictures and once i spotted one I said sarcastically "nice!" his response was "I didn't even know that was there", fair enough. 

- Secondly, he brings her up sometimes. I know she is a part of his life and their breakup is semi-fresh (they ended in March of this year), I get that. But i feel like the instances to which he brings her up are unnecessary. We will be listening to a song on the radio and he will say "This was my ex favorite song".... did I need to know that. I mean cool? But why did he need to say that ya know?

- Lastly, I trust him, but some times little things occur and I'm a little skeptical. We were laying in his bed the other night, and he got a snap chat from a girl. He swiped it up not like erratically or anything, but just one and done. He never went to open it. So later when I was on his phone, I asked him who she was. He said she was friends with his brother, and he was personally friends with her too. They use to 'talk'.... He said the message was in regards to her snap chat story. I watched her story and it was a bunch of photos of her smiling looking pretty, with one picture saying something that happened to her during the day. He told me it was that photo he was replying to. But i cant help that in the back of my head I'm thinking thats not true and that its possible he replied flirtatiously to one of the pictures she posted of herself. I laughed it off sarcastically to which he asked in a playful tone if i was jealous. I was. But it wasn't just that. I was also scared. I don't want to get hurt. I hate the feeling of getting 'played'. 

- I don't want to ruin this. I care about him a lot. Maybe too much. And he is a good guy. He treats me right. But I am so jealous. Over stupid little things. How can I stop. How do I relax. I know this was long and I'm sorry for that, but i just don't know what to do sometimes. Am I justified in my feelings? Or do i need to get over myself.

I really appreciate all who replies.

[d0nnivain]

Since he deleted the larger album with the naked pictures, don't get that bent out of shape by a few straggler clothed photos.  I've been happily married for 12 years but I know there are pictures in old photo albums of every man I ever dated.  I certainly don't look at them often but they exist.   My failure to throw out the picture of my HS prom date from 30 years ago certainly doesn't mean I don't love my husband. 

You two have only been together for 3 months.  At the time you started in the summer he was barely out of his old relationship for 3 months.  That is not a lot of time to heal. 

I would keep an eye on how often & in what context he mentions the EX.  A passing reference especially when triggered by hearing her favorite song isn't the kiss of death to your relationship.  But if it's more then sporadically mentioning her that could be a problem.   Heck, one of my EXs painted the painting that hangs over the fireplace in our living room.  Just because I like the painting doesn't mean I don't love my husband or that I want the EX back.  

He's allowed to talk to other women & you don't get to censor his interactions.  A random like on social media is no big deal.  If somebody else is routinely commanding more of his attention than you are getting that is problematic.  

At only 3 months in & this being your 1st serious relationship, do pump the breaks.  It may be a bit fast for love.  Continue to be observant & bide your time, guarding your heart for a while longer.  Watch his actions.  If it all seems to indicate he does care about you don't go to war over trivial stuff.  

[carhill]

OP, you mentioned this is your first serious relationship and you're 23.... questions...

1. How much dating experience do you have? I ask because one can, and many people typically do, date casually when young without things being 'serious', e.g. romantic/sexual/you and me forever type stuff. How has it gone for you?

2. Are you and he having a sexual relationship and, if yes, for how long? If no, what's your past pattern been and how does this compare?

3. Do you have male friends, meaning guys where there is no romance or sex involved, rather shared philosophies, interests, pursuits, etc? If yes, how does that go? Have any met your new boyfriend?

4. Have you been introduced to or met any of his ex'es or female friends?

[kendahke]

8 hours ago, lannister said:

I was scrolling through his pictures and once i spotted one I said sarcastically "nice!" his response was "I didn't even know that was there", fair enough.

Did he delete not only that picture from the album, but did he also go into the deleted folder and delete it from there right there and then?  If not, then his response isn't going far enough. He needs to put it on a flash drive somewhere where you'll never find it, since you go through his phone a lot and don't want to run into photos of her.

8 hours ago, lannister said:

Secondly, he brings her up sometimes. I know she is a part of his life and their breakup is semi-fresh (they ended in March of this year), I get that. But i feel like the instances to which he brings her up are unnecessary. We will be listening to a song on the radio and he will say "This was my ex favorite song".... did I need to know that. I mean cool? But why did he need to say that ya know?

When exactly did you and him start dating? Because if he immediately got with you right after breaking up with her, then this is a rebound relationship.  He's done nothing to work her out of his system other than get on top of a new girl: you.

8 hours ago, lannister said:

I hate the feeling of getting 'played'. 

While I don't think he's purposely playing you, you have to remember: If he's still waxing wistfully over songs and bringing her up, etc., then he's not emotionally done. Who broke up with whom? And why?  Him saying things like that is playing into you having problems with him bringing her up all the time.

If he keeps on saying that, I'd say to him "you don't sound like you're over her, since you keep bringing her up to me--and really, does that sound cool to you?"

 

 

 

[snowboy91]

First things first - no way are you going to know that this guy is going to be "it" after three months. Especially if you haven't had a lot of dating experience. It's going to feel that way for the first little while (first 6 months to a year or two), and then things may start to look different. Honeymoon period and all.

Any romantic relationship takes up a significant portion of our life for a significant amount of time. So it's not fair to expect someone to ignore that part of their life, but at the same time if he hasn't moved on properly then that's going to take up emotional space in his mind that should be taken up by his current relationship with you, or literally anything else. And I don't think he's quite over her. There isn't anything you can do to force that process, that's a "him" problem and nothing to do with you, no matter how you feel about him.

As for the girl on Snapchat who is a friend, I'd take it as such until you have evidence otherwise. She probably sent that snap to heaps of her friends, and wasn't looking for a response from your BF specifically. People do that with Snapchat all the time when they're feeling cute or doing something fun they want to share.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. It's a time for you to observe and learn about what kind of person you are with.

Unfortunately after only 12 weeks, you are observing a boatload of red flags 🚩. That's why you are so uncomfortable and insecure in the relationship.

This would be a good time to step back and reflect on whether it's worth your while to continue.

[Fletch Lives]

The majority of women don't like their man looking at pics of exs and other women. Get a bunch of pics of guys on your phone. When he sees how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot, maybe he'll be ready to change. The best way to change somebody is for it to be their own idea.

If it helps - if the the rest of the relationship is good, he's in love with you, you have him hooked, so he won't be leaving anytime soon.

[smackie9]

Well you sure can tell this is your first relationship. I get it I remember those feelings too with my first. It takes experience and maturity to get past someone having a past and the reality that you are not the only one they think about sexually etc. The best thing you can do to prevent him kicking you to the curb, is to curb your appetite going through his phone and other personal things ie: social media, text messages. It's not healthy to have a need to monitor your partners activities, or dig through their emails from the past. In the old days people put their old GF/BF photos in a shoe box that sat in their closet...well it's cel phones/computers now. Telling one to put old photos in a file or on a stick and bury it somewhere is fair, but to make them delete them isn't...well the nudes can go. IMO if a man can't let go of nudes then he hasn't moved on yet.

[ShyViolet]

On 10/21/2020 at 11:38 AM, violetta612 said:

I(23F) have been in a relationship for three months with a great guy(26M). He is my first serious relationship and he is the first guy I have truly ever looked at thinking... wow this could really be it.

Well this is your first mistake. ^. You've been seeing him 3 months, this is not a "serious" relationship.  3 months is a very short time.  You are still getting to know each other.  You shouldn't be thinking "wow this could be it."  Just get to know him and don't put huge expectations on it.

It is very weird that he would say "this is my ex's favorite song."  How does someone not know that this is kind of an inappropriate thing to say in a relationship?  I wonder if this is his way of letting you know that he is not over his ex, or he's not wanting to jump into another serious relationship right now.

[ctdans]

My two cents:

 

#1) Tell him the talk of the ex is really not welcome.  You really don't care what her favorite song was.

#2) he has naked pictures and video of his girlfriend or girlfriends.  DON"T BE ONE OF THEM.  I mean should this relationship end tomorrow or next year do you want your naked picture on his phone where he can show his friends or his next girlfriend?