He doesn't like talking on the phone

[Calmandfocused]

9 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I think your issues run deeper than him simply not calling you on the phone.  The lack of communication in general is the problem.

When a dude digs a chick, he'll call her, he'll text her, he'll DM her... he'll basically do whatever he needs to do in order to maintain regular contact.

Trust me, a guy will not risk losing a girl he pines for under any circumstsnces.  It doesn't matter how abundant his choices are.  When there's only one girl on his mind, he makes her his priority.

I'm sorry, but this guy isn't making you his priority because you aren't his priority.  You should be demanding more from a relationship than what you're getting. 

This guy needs to know that unless he can commit to you in the way that any reasonable person who's attracted to someone else, then he's toast. 

If your needs are not unreasonable (which they're not) and they aren't being met, it's time to cut your losses and move on.  Communicate this to him and give him an opportunity to prove otherwise.  If nothing changes, you walk.

Hi TB 

 

I agree with everything you said. I suppose my only query here is: is it unreasonable for me to expect to be his priority after only 3 weeks? That’s the bit I’m grappling with here as I’m not sure if it’s too much to expect after such a short duration. 

[Calmandfocused]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What are your in-person dates like?  Is he open and affectionate in person?  

How often do you see each other, has sex entered the picture yet?  If so, what's that like?

Apologies if that question is too intrusive.  No need to answer if uncomfortable disclosing.  

I'm just trying to figure out what you find appealing about him. He sounds rather disengaged and dull.

Hi poppy. 
 

Yes, he’s very affectionate and appears very into me in person. Yes we’ve done it multiple times and we’ve spent all night together on 2 occasions. That area is great. I have no complaints 😁

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get more of a “ I’m going to have beans on toast” for my dinner sort of text 🤣. Or “I might be able to see you later”. 

 

Only respond with equally inane nonsense.  For example send him a bunch of random emojis. 💩😱🤢🤙👣🐷🤡. Let him chew on that 

[Trail Blazer]

31 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi TB 

 

I agree with everything you said. I suppose my only query here is: is it unreasonable for me to expect to be his priority after only 3 weeks? That’s the bit I’m grappling with here as I’m not sure if it’s too much to expect after such a short duration. 

As a blanket rule I would say no.  But in your case it seems like he's giving you mixed messages.  He's giving you the distinct impression that you're his priority in person, but he's so busy all the time that he doesn't have time to talk on the phone?

I dunno, I just don't think it's like a normal situation where it takes time and you need to give someone a bit of space.  He just seems inconsistent.  You don't want a part-time boyfriend for an indefinite period of time, do you?

[Gaeta]

OP: You saw him 7-8 times in how long?  3 weeks? If it's true then you've been seeing him 3 times a week average? At that rate you don't really need phone conversations at this point and if he was able to free himself 3 times a week I wouldn't say you're his 157th priority on his list. 

After 3 weeks dating my bf and I had seen each other about 5 times. My bf doesn't text so nothing of that between dates but he's a caller. He would call every 2-3 days to say hi, no long conversation, just to touch base 10 mins max. 

So now learning all this unfold in only 3 weeks yes you may be having unrealistic expectation. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

As a blanket rule I would say no.  But in your case it seems like he's giving you mixed messages.  He's giving you the distinct impression that you're his priority in person, but he's so busy all the time that he doesn't have time to talk on the phone?

I dunno, I just don't think it's like a normal situation where it takes time and you need to give someone a bit of space.  He just seems inconsistent.  You don't want a part-time boyfriend for an indefinite period of time, do you?

No of course not- I’m looking for a meaningful, long term relationship but at the same time I realise that I can’t just expect an instant relationship from the get go. 
 

A bit of background too : I’ve been in therapy previously because I kept getting into abusive relationships. It came to light that all my past abusive relationships had one major factor in common - They started fast and furious, I was love bombed from the get go and I was “in a relationship” with all of them shortly after the first date. One thing I learnt in therapy was that healthy  relationships build gradually and that too much too soon is a major red flag. 
 

So I have the above firmly in my mindset as something to avoid. But I still find the “knowing what is normal” at the start of a relationship quite difficult to navigate. 

[Calmandfocused]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP: You saw him 7-8 times in how long?  3 weeks? If it's true then you've been seeing him 3 times a week average? At that rate you don't really need phone conversations at this point and if he was able to free himself 3 times a week I wouldn't say you're his 157th priority on his list. 

After 3 weeks dating my bf and I had seen each other about 5 times. My bf doesn't text so nothing of that between dates but he's a caller. He would call every 2-3 days to say hi, no long conversation, just to touch base 10 mins max. 

So now learning all this unfold in only 3 weeks yes you may be having unrealistic expectation. 

Yes I think so, I’ve lost count admittedly, but I can tell you that there has been gaps of 3-4 days which is when I’m feeling the absence of the connection the most. By the time I see him again I feel disconnected from him. 

[Gaeta]

But you don't have to feel connected to him 'all the time'. Especially not after 3 weeks. Under 6 months dating things can end at any time, for any reason. You are too invested. After 3 weeks he's not someone to be 'connected to' , he's someone you date a couple of times a week, nothing more. 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

 gaps of 3-4 days

Then contact him. 

[Fletch Lives]

19 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

So I’ve recently started dating this guy over the past few weeks (we’ve seen each other about 7-8times)  so we’re still in the very early stages. 
 

He told me from the offset that he strongly dislikes talking on the phone and does not call people if he can help it. This also applies to video calls, voice messages and face time. 
 

So outside of our face to face dates he communicates with me solely by text via WhatsApp. 
 

I’ve no issue with texts per see but to me text messages are the laziest form of communication. They are just words on a screen and don’t do a great job of connecting and building chemistry between two people IMO. 
 

I like talking on the phone/ face timing etc. Being able to speak to someone is the next best thing to seeing someone IMO. I find communicating solely via text to be a bit odd to be honest. I can’t  imagine being in a relationship where I can only text my partner. 
 

So has anyone had this experience? If so, how did you reach a compromise? Was it a case where you simply had to accept that your communication needs wouldn’t be met to accommodate the others preferences? 
 

Ive not experienced this situation before so I’d be interested to see what others think. I’m also trying to work out if this is a sign that we’re incompatible for a relationship going forward. 
 

Thanks everyone

So why don't you just go on a real date? Nothing compares to face-to-face dates!

I had an 8 year relationship once.......the only contact other than dates was a one-minute call to set the date! Who needs text, video, and phone? Ya can't kiss over the phone!

However, make sure he's open to evening and weekend dates, and you coming over to his home - so you know he's not married.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

all my past abusive relationships had one major factor in common - They started fast and furious,

So perhaps this is you way out of your comfort zone on what you're used to and this guy isn't displaying behaviors you've associated with love in your past. You're wanting him to display behaviors you're used to in order to feel love and he ain't that guy.

I'd say more therapy is in order and maybe you're not ready for a relationship until you well and truly pull your expectations out by their roots.

Edited October 23, 2020 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

So perhaps this is you way out of your comfort zone on what you're used to and this guy isn't displaying that behaviors you've associated with love in your past.

Exactly, at beginning abusers will bombard you with attention and grand gestures. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

So perhaps this is you way out of your comfort zone on what you're used to and this guy isn't displaying behaviors you've associated with love in your past. You're wanting him to display behaviors you're used to in order to feel love and he ain't that guy.

I'd say more therapy is in order and maybe you're not ready for a relationship until you well and truly pull your expectations out by their roots.

Thank you for your post K. 
 

I disagree that I would need therapy again because I have an expectation that a man should pick up the phone and call me. Judging by the replies here, a lot of women feel the same. 
 

Yes love bombing behaviours are familiar to me but I do not want or crave them. I just want behaviours that demonstrate consistent interest (which I know varies from person to person) in me. 

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi poppy. 
Yes, he’s very affectionate and appears very into me in person. Yes we’ve done it multiple times and we’ve spent all night together on 2 occasions. That area is great. I have no complaints 😁

Calm, since you see him three times a week (which is a lot imo so early in) and in person, he meets your needs and you're happy, do you think you could try accepting and enjoying the things he does do to make you feel cherished and happy (like on your dates) versus focusing on the things he does not do?  Like calling on the phone in between? 

I'm curious why you would lose the connection (I'm assuming mental and emotional), since you see him three times a week?  

I could understand if you only saw him once a week or every other week with little contact in between, but three times a week?  

What's going on there?  Within you that would cause you to lose the connection during the two days you don't see or talk to him?  

Something sounds off about that Calm.  Consider if you are truly into him and feel a genuine connection with him for the right reasons.  

Because once a genuine connection is made, it shouldn't disappear just because you dont talk for two days.  

JMO.

 

Edited October 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes I think so, I’ve lost count admittedly, but I can tell you that there has been gaps of 3-4 days which is when I’m feeling the absence of the connection the most. By the time I see him again I feel disconnected from him. 

Ok, there's a vast area between "love bombing" and these type of nonsense breadcrumbs he's texting. Unfortunately he seems to be keeping this firmly in the hookup/FWB, zone. This is why you feel disconnected. It's intentional. It's not 'abusive', but he's clearly keeping you at arms length.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious why you would lose the connection

I would like to add OP that a genuine connection in a romantic relationship is not obtained after 3 weeks dating. What you are calling a connection I fear is emotional dependency on your part. It's also emotional dependency that keeps us in abusive relationships.  

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 he's clearly keeping you at arms length.

What more could he do? He's seeing her 3 times a week and they only met 3 weeks ago. 

OP: Is it possible he told you he doesn't like phone calls because you overwhelmed him with your need of communication?

[Calmandfocused]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What more could he do? He's seeing her 3 times a week and they only met 3 weeks ago. 

OP: Is it possible he told you he doesn't like phone calls because you overwhelmed him with your need of communication?

No that’s impossible. I’m not one for chasing - I never have done, it’s just not how I operate. And I’ve not spoken to him about my desire for communication. When he said he doesn’t like talking on the phone, I wasn’t asked my opinion. It was stated as fact and I’ve had no choice but to roll with it. 
 

No, I’m not emotionally dependant on him. I don’t know him well enough and I doubt that will change if this pattern continues. On the contrary, it’s putting me off him. I’m actually questioning whether I want to continue seeing him as I don’t think he can give me what I want. 
 

He admitted last night that he’s “trying to play it cool” but all that “coolness” does is turn me off. 

[Miss Spider]

A woman usually knows when a man is showing “too much” interest, even though she might ignore it. 
 

Similarly, a woman usually knows when a man isn’t showing enough interest and still choose to ignore it.

I think you should listen to  your intuition

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Calm, since you see him three times a week (which is a lot imo so early in) and in person, he meets your needs and you're happy, do you think you could try accepting and enjoying the things he does do to make you feel cherished and happy (like on your dates) versus focusing on the things he does not do?  Like calling on the phone in between? 

I'm curious why you would lose the connection (I'm assuming mental and emotional), since you see him three times a week?  

I could understand if you only saw him once a week or every other week with little contact in between, but three times a week?  

What's going on there?  Within you that would cause you to lose the connection during the two days you don't see or talk to him?  

Something sounds off about that Calm.  Consider if you are truly into him and feel a genuine connection with him for the right reasons.  

Because once a genuine connection is made, it shouldn't disappear just because you dont talk for two days.  

JMO.

 

I think accepting it would be the only way this could work Poppy. 
 

I’m not sure where this 3 times a week has come from. I did see him 3 times last  week but 2 of those times was where he “popped in”. We didn’t have a proper date, nor did we spend any quality time together. 
 

I’ve seen him twice this week and not for very long. This goes back to the point that he has no time for me. 

[Gaeta]

It comes from me. You said you met 3 weeks ago and met 7-8 times.  I made an average. 

So, how long you spend together usually?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

He admitted last night that he’s “trying to play it cool” but all that “coolness” does is turn me off. 

What a weird thing to say!  What would prompt him to say such a thing?  

Did you tell him it turned you off?  Or at least that you would prefer him to NOT intentionally "play it so cool"?

I hope he's not following PUA garbage advice or something, geez.

Edited October 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

xoxo

Edited October 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It comes from me. You said you met 3 weeks ago and met 7-8 times.  I made an average. 

So, how long you spend together usually?

Obviously the situation varies but aside from the 2 overnight stays, I’d say an hour or two. We’ve only had one proper date - the first date. 

[Calmandfocused]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What a weird thing to say!  What would prompt him to say such a thing?  

Did you tell him it turned you off?  Or at least that you would prefer him to NOT intentionally "play it so cool"?

I hope he's not following PUA garbage advice or something, geez.

I thought that too Poppy. It’s not the first time that he’s said he doesn’t want to appear over keen. I’ve not questioned it, obviously he’s believes this is the right way to go about dating,  Maybe this is how he’s kept a woman’s interest in the past,  but unfortunately  it’s not keeping mine.

I’m 41 and I feel too old for all this. 

Ive just got my very mundane and very boring second text of the day. I feel nothing but frustrated, deflated and turned off. 
 

He’s booked to take me to an event next weekend and my plan was to see how it went until then. But to be honest I feel like throwing in the towel right now 😞