He doesn't like talking on the phone

[Calmandfocused]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Calm, did you mean "consistent" with his "I dont give a damn attitude"? 

It sounds like it may be his version of a "tease" or "neg."  Which can come off very poorly over text and be off-putting to the recipient.  

I'm wondering if he's following advice from some PUA website or something. 

 

No I did mean inconsistent. The text was inconsistent with what he’d actually said to me in person. 
 

And whilst he appeared to give a damn in person, he certainly didn’t appear to in his text. 
 

inconsistent through and through 

[Miss Spider]

Oh okay. I agree with Cali and now wiseman he’s trying to be a fwb. If you are having sex with him and he is for the first time taking you to dinner  because he doesn’t want you to think is all it is, it sounds like he’s saying “look, I’m also taking you out and being friendly. I’m not just trying to get laid” I could of course be wrong about this , but that’s what it sounds like especially coupled with his ‘don’t give a damn’ attitude.  
 

if you are really confused maybe you should ask him? . I will never understand having sex with a person but not being able to have these conversations with them

Edited October 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Calmandfocused]

Sorry I should have clarified this early on: 

 

We had sex for the first time on date number 3. We’ve had sex on most dates since. However we haven’t done it on 2 subsequent occasions, mainly because of the short duration of the date. 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

No I did mean inconsistent. The text was inconsistent with what he’d actually said to me in person. 
 

And whilst he appeared to give a damn in person, he certainly didn’t appear to in his text. 
 

inconsistent through and through 

Ok thanks for clarifying, I read it incorrectly. 

Not sure what's up with him.  FWB, negging, PUAing you, I have no idea.

If you like him, maybe just talk to him like suggested earlier?  

Gotta say, this one's got me stumped.  🙄

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

If you are really confused maybe you should ask him?  I will never understand having sex with a person but not being able to have these conversations with them

100% agree.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

That’s just it. He seems to call other people just fine. He called the restaurant to book it then text me to inform me when he’d done it! 

Yes we’re having sex. 

Tonight I got a text from him that really upset me. It was really dismissive, inconsistent with a “I don’t give a damn” attitude. My reply made it clear that I didn’t appreciate it, to which he then came back with how much he really likes me. I ignored it. 
 

This is just another example of how texts do not work for me.  If he had just picked up the phone we could have sorted it and I wouldn’t be feeling upset like I do right now, But no. Clearly it’s way too much to ask. 
 

This sounds such a trivial thing but all it’s showing me is that I do not matter.... to him. 
 

I’ll update you all once I’ve sorted this. Thanks for all your help and support so far. 
 

What on earth are you getting out of any of this??! This guy had better have a gold-plated schwanz.

[mortensorchid]

I would move on from this guy.  He may have had specific reasons why he doesn't like communicating with you (or anyone else out there), but those reasons are stupid ones.  

A man who is interested in you for any reason, be it business or personal, WILL pick up the phone and WILL communicate with you no matter what.  Think about stalkers even though this doesn't apply to your situation : Stalkers can and will take the time out to contact the person they are after, whether it's phone calls, drive bys at their home/work, sending presents, etc.  They do not take no for an answer.  Recently, I went out with this guy on an OLD and I decided to text him 2 days after our get together.  He responded saying that he is not good at communication.  I noticed this - the next day when I texted him again for a chat, he never responded.  It's done.  

It's not worth the time and effort if he's not even going to make the slightest bit of effort to communicate.  Move on. 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

No I did mean inconsistent. The text was inconsistent with what he’d actually said to me in person. 
 

And whilst he appeared to give a damn in person, he certainly didn’t appear to in his text. 
 

inconsistent through and through 

This is not about texting vs calling.

This is about you wanting a relationship and he doesn't.

He's doing the very bare minimum to get free easy sex .

It's time to end all the frustration and dump him. It's not going anywhere but in circles.

[Blind-Sided]

On 10/22/2020 at 1:23 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

1) He told me from the offset that he strongly dislikes talking on the phone and does not call people if he can help it. This also applies to video calls, voice messages and face time. 
 

2) So outside of our face to face dates he communicates with me solely by text via WhatsApp. 
 

3) I’ve no issue with texts per see but to me text messages are the laziest form of communication. They are just words on a screen and don’t do a great job of connecting and building chemistry between two people IMO. 
 

4) If so, how did you reach a compromise? Was it a case where you simply had to accept that your communication needs wouldn’t be met to accommodate the others preferences? 

I didn't read through all of this... but I kind of just wanted to throw out my 2 cents.  I put numbers on your original post to respond.

1) A lot of guys don't like to talk on the phone in general.  OK... I know that sounds strange... but think of the typical stereotype from when we didn't have cel, and phones were corded in our homes.   The typical "Teen Girl" would sit in her room, and talk to her friends on the phone.  "Teen Guys" didn't.   So... I have absolutely no problem if my dad calls, or a buddy... and it's a quick info session.  (ie... "Meet us for dinner at 6")   I ABSOLUTLY hate to sit on the phone and just talk.  Its uncomfortable... and I may be in the middle of something else, and your call is interrupting that.   

2) I don't get using an app to chat with.  What's wrong with regular txt?

3) OK... you already have a bias against txt... or at least it sounds that way.  It's not lazy at all.  Its convenient. I can reply as I have time to properly think about the conversation.  But, the "Lazy" depends on the person.  If responses are short, and abbreviated... and that person isn't offering anything to continue the conversation... sure... that's lazy.  But is that person the same way in face to face conversation?  

4) You don't compromise. Period.  I absolutely HATE to sit and talk on the phone.  If someone needs to have real conversations with me... then just come over to my house, and talk. (or go out on a date)  I had a friend who use to call me when she was driving to work... or home from work... just because she was bored. She was calling during times I was trying to do stuff... and eventually I stopped answering the phone.  She got upset when I finally told her why... but I told her she was interrupting me while I was tying to make dinner... and I didn't have time to stick the phone in my ear just because she was bored.  After a while... we worked it out, and we are still great friends.  But now... she only calls if she really needs me.  Otherwise the calls are short, and we just meet in person when we want to talk for a while.

OK... so do what you need... but while you see it as lazy... you may be turning him off of this relationship by forcing him to talk on the phone for long times.  If this was me, and the relationship was new... I would see you as clingy and needy. 

My 2 cents... take it for what its worth.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

I didn't read through all of this... but I kind of just wanted to throw out my 2 cents.  I put numbers on your original post to respond.

1) A lot of guys don't like to talk on the phone in general.  OK... I know that sounds strange... but think of the typical stereotype from when we didn't have cel, and phones were corded in our homes.   The typical "Teen Girl" would sit in her room, and talk to her friends on the phone.  "Teen Guys" didn't.   So... I have absolutely no problem if my dad calls, or a buddy... and it's a quick info session.  (ie... "Meet us for dinner at 6")   I ABSOLUTLY hate to sit on the phone and just talk.  Its uncomfortable... and I may be in the middle of something else, and your call is interrupting that.   

2) I don't get using an app to chat with.  What's wrong with regular txt?

3) OK... you already have a bias against txt... or at least it sounds that way.  It's not lazy at all.  Its convenient. I can reply as I have time to properly think about the conversation.  But, the "Lazy" depends on the person.  If responses are short, and abbreviated... and that person isn't offering anything to continue the conversation... sure... that's lazy.  But is that person the same way in face to face conversation?  

4) You don't compromise. Period.  I absolutely HATE to sit and talk on the phone.  If someone needs to have real conversations with me... then just come over to my house, and talk. (or go out on a date)  I had a friend who use to call me when she was driving to work... or home from work... just because she was bored. She was calling during times I was trying to do stuff... and eventually I stopped answering the phone.  She got upset when I finally told her why... but I told her she was interrupting me while I was tying to make dinner... and I didn't have time to stick the phone in my ear just because she was bored.  After a while... we worked it out, and we are still great friends.  But now... she only calls if she really needs me.  Otherwise the calls are short, and we just meet in person when we want to talk for a while.

OK... so do what you need... but while you see it as lazy... you may be turning him off of this relationship by forcing him to talk on the phone for long times.  If this was me, and the relationship was new... I would see you as clingy and needy. 

My 2 cents... take it for what its worth.

Text costs and have character limits. Depends on thier location, phones and phone plans. Some apps go over WiFi. Makes no difference. Texting is texting either way.

Point is he doesn't communicate at all between hookups, except for nonsense texts and she wants to make a relationship out of this. 🤔

[Stillits]

Might be side-tracked, but what is this stuff about how talking on WhatsApp is a shady thing? Is that what it is in NA? In Europe no one messages via phone no. anymore, and WhatsApp is probably the most common way of texting each other. Nothing weird or shady about it whatsoever..

[Miss Spider]

26 minutes ago, Stillits said:

Might be side-tracked, but what is this stuff about how talking on WhatsApp is a shady thing? Is that what it is in NA? In Europe no one messages via phone no. anymore, and WhatsApp is probably the most common way of texting each other. Nothing weird or shady about it whatsoever..

That makes sense and is probably the difference.  Here in the US, barely anyone uses what’s app except to cheat, buy drugs, talk to people in other countries/overseas, or possibly for work(but other apps are more common for that. )  I made the mistake of assuming us was where 0P and her guy were located

Edited October 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Calmandfocused]

Update!!!

Hi all, I thought I’d give an update considering all the many thoughtful replies I had on this thread. Thank you so much. 
 

It’s good news but I’ll get to that ...

So basically I did pull right back as advised by TB.  I was boring and disengaged over text, I was unresponsive,  and I basically made it clear I had one foot firmly out the door...

He sensed it! And he panicked! Asked to see me immediately so we could talk. 
 

I told him my anxieties clearly and I made it clear exactly what I will/ will not accept. This included my expectation that I do expect my love interest to call me from time to time. 
 

I reiterated that he is either with me or he is not. That he is either in or he is out.  That i’m not asking for respect, I demanding it. I also made it clear I’m not interested in playing games and if that’s what he wants to do, it’s best he find a willing participant - not me! 
 

All in all I put my foot down! 

From what he told me he has not had a significant relationship for some time. He’s been busy playing the field with no solid commitment. He admitted that in the recent past he’s lost interest as soon as he’s slept with a woman so me entering his life had been a bit of a surprise to him. Which in turn has triggered anxiety for him and has confused him big time. 
 

However, he was clear that he doesn’t want to lose me. He apologised for giving me (and others) the impression he doesn’t want anything serious with me. That it was anxiety talking and that’s not how he really feels. He asked me there and then to be his girlfriend and to give a “proper relationship” with him a go. I agreed. 
 

So I’m now in a relationship and, fingers crossed, it’s all going very well. We’ve seen each other a lot, he’s loving, he’s attentive and his behaviour clearly shows me that he is very much into me. 
 

And yes he has called me on the phone! 😁👍
 

 

 

[poppyfields]

Hey Calm, thnx for the update, I'm so happy for ya!  You did it just right - the gentle push back, he sort of freaked and came forward, and that was the time to communicate with him, when he was open to listening.  👍

Just goes to prove too how things are never black and white.  There was a reason for his behaviour and it had zero to do with lack of interest or only wanting FWB.

Ya gotta communicate!!  Good job, you sounded really strong, take no BS.

I'm happy for you, good luck!! 

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

That's fantastic news!  There are times when it's unreasonable for someone to expect another person to commit to them (time frame) and then there's other times when their behavior warrants the expectation.

From what you'd described, he really did like you.  His behavior was just a little weird and inconsistent.  He got the message once you pulled back and, when faced with the ball being in his court, was forced to act.

I'm glad to hear that things are working out well thus far.  I wish you all the best moving forward! 😁