Im so bad at this

[Golgo]

Ok. I feel stupid doing this but whatever. Here’s the deal:

 

I just got out of high school and this girl is just going into her junior year in HS. I didn’t meet her until the beginning of this past summer, and it was by chance since she knew my long term friend. Our first conversation was kind of shakey but I liked her humor and she was really mature for her age. We didn’t talk for a while but when we did again we realized we were REALLY similar, and we hung out a bunch of times. We got more and more comfortable around each other, and a few weeks ago she told me online “you make me really happy” and that I was the only one who understood her. She often worries about me and my bouts with depression and how she would be devastated if she lost me and whatnot. She also says things like how much she misses me, etc etc. In person though she usually is different, more quite at first when I first see her. She usually smiles a really huge smile when she first sees me and when she gets pissed off or acts sad or depressed I usually just have to poke fun a little and she can’t hold back her smile no matter how hard tries. And we do the stupid push me push you back and forth thing that everyone tries to avoid because its so stupid but we all wind up succumbing to it. And when we’re alone she usually talks about how she thinks her friends don’t like her (which of course isn’t true) because they don’t understand her when she’s depressed. She also says things like how she hates muscular guys and would rather go out with a skinny pale guy (uh, my description) any day. We even have the cute little embarassing nickname for each other going.

 

So now, the flip side. We’re both stubborn people and we don’t have to say a lot to each other to understand what the other is thinking. But on this particular topic its kind of hard. I know that if she did want a relationship with me she would probably never admit it because we’re so stubborn and same with me. ALL of our friends keep asking us if we’re going out and we keep telling them no, and she especially elaborates this point to me, that she hates it everyone thinks a guy and a girl can’t just be friends and nothing else. Now all of this COULD be a terrible defense mechanism, but she also does things like stops talking to me for a long while, which I really don’t care. But she sometimes gets really short with me and distant and goes and has tons of fun with her usual friends and then after a while will suddenly IM me while I’m away saying how much she misses me. It’s almost like she only wants to talk to me when she’s lonely, I can’t really tell.

 

We do have a solid friendship after only a few months and we both tell each other how much we think the whole idea of a boyfriend and girlfriend is often sleazy nowadays and how people just use other people and whatnot. We’re both ultra stubborn so its so hard to find out anything. The thing is, I’ll do whatever she wants. I like our friendship a lot, and the whole idea of use being a couple is sort of weird to me since we have that kind of stubborn platonic thing going to well. On the other hand I really can’t help feeling attracted to someone who I can finally relate to and not feel like an alien around. I’m lonely, I need someone to hold. I need someone to SHOW me they need me, more than a friend. Ah, well, I’ve been babbling. If anyone here could give me their take on it, it’d be appreciated.