Ghosted, would like some closure.

[StreetGlideHD]

On 10/22/2020 at 8:32 AM, d0nnivain said:

Let me clarify something.  When you said I won't disturb you on Saturday night meaning that you were OK with her being busy, I then explained how I thought she may have misunderstood that.  Since you invited her to watch football with you on Sunday, why didn't you reach out Sunday to firm up the plans?  It's not a crack.  I genuinely do not understand your motivation / thought process. You clearly had enough wherewithal to organize another date with a different woman when the subject of this post didn't contact you.   The tit for tat thing I meant as you reached out last so you thought it was her turn.  I'm not accusing you of being wrong.  I'm just trying to help you see it from a woman's perspective.  She may have not been on the same taking turns page but instead was relying on old gender roles that as the man it was your responsibility to follow up & firm up the plans.  

Is my perspective clear to you?  that is not to say you agree with my interpretation but you acknowledge it as plausible.  

The woman in Q thereafter "liked" the pictures you posted with the person you did watch the game with.  Don't you think that hurt the 1st woman's feelings?  In her shoes I would have been wondering why you asked me to watch the game, didn't contact me that day, then went out with somebody else.  Whether friends or more, in her shoes I would have felt like crap, like something you did when you were bored but for whom you had no regard when somebody new came along.  

It's done now but perhaps if you think about what I'm offering the next time you won't have these misunderstandings.  

 

I understand and appreciate your perspective and thought process. My reasoning was why have to reach out to her when she couldn't be bothered to respond to my other communication. I hope you can understand my thought process as well. The thing is, nothing about this was romantic, it was all platonic, even with the woman who I met the other day. She was talking to other men as well and made that clear. What blurs the lines was the mixed signals that were sent. The compliments, the videos, etc. I am not big on gender roles fwiw. She doesn't strike me as the type that believes in them either, I maybe wrong but she was quite aggressive communication wise. Hence why when it suddenly stopped, I was a little taken back. It shouldn't hurt her feelings that I went out with someone, had she taken the time to respond and continued dialogue, we would of firmed things up. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote box formatting

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Again it's tone, which was missing from a text.  She may have heard in sarcastically like you were annoyed while you meant it kindly.  It's part of the problem with text as a medium.  

It was a voice note, in a my normal voice, not snarky, just normal.

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, poppyfields said:

That was my question too!   It was a serious question. 

Again, if you like this girl, do not allow fear, or ego, or silly cat/mouse, tit for tat games drive your ship.

What are you afraid of?  Another serious question. 

That's a good question, although this ship has sailed, I need to do some serious self introspection. 

[StreetGlideHD]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

>>I have said it before, if she wanted to respond, she would have, it's simple. <<

In her mind, so would you have. And yes, very simple.

There was nothing to respond to though? I responded. She chose to not to continue communicating. 

 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, StreetGlideHD said:

 

@StreetGlideHD, this has nothing to do with your issue, but when responding to a quoted post,  please message outside the quoted box.

It makes it easier to follow. 

I'm glad to hear you will be doing some introspecting and self-reflecting.  That has helped me tremendously over the years!  

All the best....

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, StreetGlideHD said:

She was a sapiophile and so am I, never once did we make any sexual overtures towards each other, with the exception of the videos of her modeling clothing which I found odd. That was the same day she ghosted me. 11 am, showing me short cut shorts from every angle. 9 pm ghosted. How does, I won't disturb you come across as bad ? She said she was busy, so I gave her space respectfully. 

I think she was just totally confused - were you interested or not, is probably what she was thinking. I mean you say you don't chase but it dies sound like PUA stuff (I'm sorry) and it's just going too far with the "act totally disinterested and she'll come running" thing because usually, she just won't. 🤷 

So when she got nothing she shrugged and figured: okay. He really isn't interested that way. And she left you alone. That is just what it sounds like to me.

I don't get it, how is calling someone "chasing"? Were you going to have a date or not?

Whether you were playing games or not, I can tell you it probably just came off that way to her, so she was probably just turned off. So...just bad luck that the miscommunication happened that way. Or not, since you had another date and are fine with it. But in case you're curious (I don't know if you are), here is all the classic PUA-ish stuff she might have thought she had seen - just because it's not like it's any mystery to women or men, those sites will act like we don't know or something but even you picked up on it although you don't follow any of it, you know? We know all this stuff too, same deal:

" Act disinterested, girls are repulsed by thirsty guys, that's just biology"

"Hypergamy is a thing so always have something else to do"

"Have another girl lined up or pretend you do, or have proof of other girls, especially hot ones, that's social proof of your desirability"

"Make her chase"

"Change the plan or make initial plans because it shows you're in control"

"Make a plan that is either at or near your house so sex will be an option immediately"

"Never ever chase thirstily, that's a shyte test, ask her out but if she's on the fence, fine because you have like ten thousand hotter options begging for you, if she's lukewarm about your offer do not ask again, she'll be fascinated that for once a guy isn't orbiting and she'll come running back "

We've all seen this ultra secret information like eighty zillion times 😹 You know? You have too since you brought up PUA.

Again...you may have had NONE of this in mind as a game but man...does it all come off as one. It was all just bad timing, bad communication, and nobody made a move. Let me ask you something. For this other date, did you show basically no romantic interest, was it football, did you not call it a date, and did she pursue? Did you adamantly have an attitude that you will not "chase" and did you guys talk on and on beforehand until she blatantly made it obvious she wanted something romantic or sexual but not long-term? How did it all work out? 

I am very sorry on the loss of your dad. It is a horrible thing to go through.

Edited October 22, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gaeta]

 I don't open up to everyone, we had a lot of commonalities. Our conversations were not surface level it was pretty deep

My point exactly. You met her and wanted nothing serious so why did you open yourself?  Not serious usually means Not investing or sharing ourselves. I keep my deep conversations to share with people I have made a long lasting connection with. A connection that been tested through time. 

 I am not saying this to be rude, but I decide if I need closure, everyone's feelings are unique as their perspective. I respect yours. You don't need to have a physical connection to have some feelings for someone.

And I am not saying this to be rude but needing closure after 2 weeks doesn't show a strong character, how will you survive life at all if this 2 weeks texting cuts your legs? No you don't need physical connection I understand that but you need considerable 'time'. I was heart broken once from a virtual relationship, a man I had never met in real but we exchanged daily for 1 year. Our connection had made it through time, I was actually losing something. 

 

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think she was just totally confused - were you interested or not, is probably what she was thinking. I mean you say you don't chase but it dies sound like PUA stuff (I'm sorry) and it's just going too far with the "act totally disinterested and she'll come running" thing because usually, she just won't. 🤷 

So when she got nothing she shrugged and figured: okay. He really isn't interested that way. And she left you alone. That is just what it sounds like to me.

I don't get it, how is calling someone "chasing"? Were you going to have a date or not?

Whether you were playing games or not, I can tell you it probably just came off that way to her, so she was probably just turned off. So...just bad luck that the miscommunication happened that way. Or not, since you had another date and are fine with it. But in case you're curious (I don't know if you are), here is all the classic PUA-ish stuff she might have thought she had seen - just because it's not like it's any mystery to women or men, those sites will act like we don't know or something but even you picked up on it although you don't follow any of it, you know? We know all this stuff too, same deal:

" Act disinterested, girls are repulsed by thirsty guys, that's just biology"

"Hypergamy is a thing so always have something else to do"

"Have another girl lined up or pretend you do, or have proof of other girls, especially hot ones, that's social proof of your desirability"

"Make her chase"

"Change the plan or make initial plans because it shows you're in control"

"Make a plan that is either at or near your house so sex will be an option immediately"

"Never ever chase thirstily, that's a shyte test, ask her out but if she's on the fence, fine because you have like ten thousand hotter options begging for you, if she's lukewarm about your offer do not ask again, she'll be fascinated that for once a guy isn't orbiting and she'll come running back "

We've all seen this ultra secret information like eighty zillion times 😹 You know? You have too since you brought up PUA.

Again...you may have had NONE of this in mind as a game but man...does it all come off as one. It was all just bad timing, bad communication, and nobody made a move. Let me ask you something. For this other date, did you show basically no romantic interest, was it football, did you not call it a date, and did she pursue? Did you adamantly have an attitude that you will not "chase" and did you guys talk on and on beforehand until she blatantly made it obvious she wanted something romantic or sexual but not long-term? How did it all work out? 

I am very sorry on the loss of your dad. It is a horrible thing to go through.

I am not sure why everyone is presuming this was anything romantic, it was not. It was PLATONIC from the get go. So terms DATE, SEX, do not apply in the very least. I am not a pick up artist in the least bit. My last relationship was 3 years ago and pre-covid before I lost my dad I dated on and off and hated it. I showed no romantic interest in the woman I went on a date, I said hey I am looking for friends, nothing sexual happened, she gave me a hug and we are still friends. Understand something, with these women I meet, immediately put it out there I am only looking for friends, not a friends with benefits but friends. For the record, I don't believe any of that PUA stuff. 

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, Gaeta said:

 I don't open up to everyone, we had a lot of commonalities. Our conversations were not surface level it was pretty deep

My point exactly. You met her and wanted nothing serious so why did you open yourself?  Not serious usually means Not investing or sharing ourselves. I keep my deep conversations to share with people I have made a long lasting connection with. A connection that been tested through time. 

 I am not saying this to be rude, but I decide if I need closure, everyone's feelings are unique as their perspective. I respect yours. You don't need to have a physical connection to have some feelings for someone.

And I am not saying this to be rude but needing closure after 2 weeks doesn't show a strong character, how will you survive life at all if this 2 weeks texting cuts your legs? No you don't need physical connection I understand that but you need considerable 'time'. I was heart broken once from a virtual relationship, a man I had never met in real but we exchanged daily for 1 year. Our connection had made it through time, I was actually losing something. 

 

Because sometimes in life you meet that person who you feel comfortable speaking too. Had I known it would of only lasted two weeks I probably wouldn't have. What you do is your preference and how you communicate is your preference as well. Closure and character have no parallels what so ever. That is just take a stab like this is a man vs. woman thing. How will I survive life? Listen to yourself. It seems you really need some lessons on communication as well. I can say a few things about being in a virtual relationship but this is my thread and I will refrain, a virtual connection is not a connection it's virtual, at least I met her in person.

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, StreetGlideHD said:

I am not sure why everyone is presuming this was anything romantic, it was not. 

I took you at your word when you said it wasn't romantic  But the name of this site is LOVEshack & you posted in the DATING forum. . . so . . . . that most likely is coloring people's impressions.  

You are new but for future reference there is a friendship forum. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/5-friendship/

Edited October 22, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

I'm lost. So this was meant to be a non-serious friendship? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, StreetGlideHD said:

I am not sure why everyone is presuming this was anything romantic

Because you evidently posted this is in the wrong forum. 

This is "Dating." What else are people supposed to assume?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, StreetGlideHD said:

 There was instant chemistry on both ends. To start out, I am not looking for anything serious.   We did have some sexual discussion (in context) not to each other. 

Not sure how this comes across as a platonic situation. Let it go. There will be plenty of new people to meet.

[gamon]

Could be anything. Other than asking her to watch the game (whatever that means) did you ever ask her out on a serious date during all that back and forth texting?

If not why not?

 

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, gamon said:

Could be anything. Other than asking her to watch the game (whatever that means) did you ever ask her out on a serious date during all that back and forth texting?

If not why not?

 

Why would I ask her on a serious date if we are just friends? Asking her to hang out to watch football is not a date. We were platonic, not romantic. 

[basil67]

I found this thread late and have what I believe is a different perspective to what's been offered.

If I understand correctly. you were new in town and found her.  It looked like dating wasn't going to happen, but she would make a good new friend.    Am I right?   All good.

What strikes me is that it feels like you're applying dating rules to friendship.   Staying in frequent contact is normal in dating, but generally speaking, contact is a lot more flexible in friendship.    For both my husband and myself, we may see/contact our friends frequently and sometimes there are big gaps.  (I mention my husband to show that this isn't a gendered thing).  I've got one dear female friend who I see most weeks, but sometimes the gap is bigger.   Sometimes I reach out to her more and sometimes she reaches out to me more.   Another couple of dear friends I speak with sporadically.   

Ask yourself this:  If this woman you were speaking to was a man and going with him to the pub to watch football didn't pan out, would you unfriend him or need closure?   Or would you just call him again next time there was a game on?   Because I think you'd do the latter.   When you have a woman who is a friend, the exact same flexibility you have with your mates applies to your friendship with her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The level of obsessing you are showing in this thread is not consistent with wanting just friendship.

[Mystery4u]

On 10/23/2020 at 12:33 AM, StreetGlideHD said:

Why would I ask her on a serious date if we are just friends? Asking her to hang out to watch football is not a date. We were platonic, not romantic. 

Why are you even bothering? Who wants to find 'friends' of the opposite sex? Pointless. As soon as she would have found a new boyfriend your whole 'friends' thing would be out of the window, and rightly so.

If you don't want to find a woman to date, then go find some new guy friends to go watch sports with.

[Versacehottie]

Come on, my friend. you need to be honest with yourself.  You used the terminology ghosted which also implies a dating connotation.  You are specifically upset because she didn't come out with you to watch football--a thing you chose because she is a fan of football (i don't think you deserved so much grief over that btw).  And she has subsequently disappeared from talking to you regularly for two weeks or whatever.  The talks you had were flirty or sexually charged.  There was enough in your posts where you can see that you are not bummed because your totally 100% platonic friend that you just hung out with and never have even a thought of hooking up with casually or more, is mad at you or moved on to other friends.  Your ego is bruised and you are confused in a manhood way of what you did or where you went wrong to have lost the potential for continued flirting or possible hookup or more (which you will deny but whatever).  It feels like you are trying to backtrack now so the person you need to be honest with is yourself.

If you just want to hang out as friends with her, contact her & let her know.  But what was your saying: I don't chase people---yeah, another sign that it wasn't platonic.  

[StreetGlideHD]

So, she reached out late Saturday night while I was out with a lady friend. I replied back Sunday. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing well. To make a long story short, her explanation for ceasing contact was that although she was not looking for anything serious, she started to have feelings for me. Although she had asked to see the pictures of women I was dating, she regrets it because she felt insecure after seeing them. She didn't like that I was talking about other dates with women. Keep in mind she started off by telling me about guys she was hooking up with first so I felt I had to match the dynamics of what was clearly something non-romantic at time, in the very beginning. So I told her it's best that we just don't talk because at this point I lost interest, she responded back with something else and I left her on read. Feels good man. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, StreetGlideHD said:

 She didn't like that I was talking about other dates with women. Keep in mind she started off by telling me about guys she was hooking up with first so I felt I had to match the dynamics of what was clearly something non-romantic at time, in the very beginning. So I told her it's best that we just don't talk because at this point I lost interest, she responded back with something else and I left her on read. Feels good man. 

This woman is messy. Boasts about her hook-ups and then gets bent out of shape when you reciprocate?

I think she likes having admirers, but is not actually into you that way. Telling her you shouldn't talk anymore was smart; this was too complicated for something that hadn't even gotten off the ground yet. 

[d0nnivain]

20 hours ago, StreetGlideHD said:

To make a long story short, her explanation for ceasing contact was that although she was not looking for anything serious, she started to have feelings for me.

 So I told her it's best that we just don't talk because at this point I lost interest, she responded back with something else and I left her on read. Feels good man. 

Wow.  This woman opened up to you & bared her soul.  Instead of being kind to her, you are gloating about shutting her down.  Harsh much? 

[StreetGlideHD]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Wow.  This woman opened up to you & bared her soul.  Instead of being kind to her, you are gloating about shutting her down.  Harsh much? 

Keep in mind I did the same thing and she ceased contact. You cannot fault me for losing interest. Cannot help the way I feel. Besides people are usually creatures of habit I don't want an emotional roller coaster every time she gets bent out of shape and stops talking to me. So I moved on. A lot of lessons learned. most members provided some valuable insight. you included. 

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, StreetGlideHD said:

So I told her it's best that we just don't talk because at this point I lost interest, she responded back with something else and I left her on read. Feels good man. 

Just as I suspected, this was all about your precious EGO.  Now that she disclosed her feelings, your ego is no bruised, you don't feel rejected (which was absurd anyway since according to you, you were just "friends") and you can carry on.

And feeling quite proud, as evidenced by your "feels good man."

What kind of man "feels good" after leaving a woman who just poured her heart out on "read" and rejecting her?  

What did she ever do to you to warrant such insensitivity and smugness?  

Arghh, I need a break. 

 

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[StreetGlideHD]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Just as I suspected, this was all about your precious EGO.  Now that she disclosed her feelings, your ego is no bruised, you don't feel rejected (which was absurd anyway since according to you, you were just "friends") and you can carry on.

And feeling quite proud, as evidenced by your "feels good man."

What kind of man "feels good" after leaving a woman who just poured her heart out on "read" and rejecting her?  

What did she ever do to you to warrant such insensitivity and smugness?  

Arghh, I need a break. 

 

Psychology 101. Show me any kind of relationship/platonic/friendship dynamic that doesn't involve the ego. I am unapologetic about hearing her out and not having interest. I realized to stop making myself available for people who don't prioritize me. Sorry not sorry.