snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 I've heard this term used by BS's and I'm vaguely familiar with it but I'm wondering if someone can explain it to me a bit more please. I think I've got a married guy who is doing this and before I mention it to him, I need to know what it is and why it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Rewriting history in cheating terms, means the story now provided as regards the past has little to do with the real past. It is changed and distorted so as to provide a viewpoint that better suits their agenda. A man may have indeed had a great marriage, it was a love match, she was a great wife and mother, they enjoyed their kids and all seemed hunky dory... He then enters into an affair and he tells his OW, his marriage was awful, he never loved his wife, she is a dreadful person, he was pressurised into marriage, he just stayed for the kids... He has "rewritten history" to get his OW to stick around and to get the sympathy vote. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 34 minutes ago, snowcones said: I think I've got a married guy who is doing this Are you seeing this guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Rewriting history in cheating terms, means the story now provided as regards the past has little to do with the real past. It is changed and distorted so as to provide a viewpoint that better suits their agenda. A man may have indeed had a great marriage, it was a love match, she was a great wife and mother, they enjoyed their kids and all seemed hunky dory... He then enters into an affair and he tells his OW, his marriage was awful, he never loved his wife, she is a dreadful person, he was pressurised into marriage, he just stayed for the kids... He has "rewritten history" to get his OW to stick around and to get the sympathy vote. Ahh yes. Thank you. That sounds like a very complicated issue to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you seeing this guy? No. But he wants to see me. I'm thinking I could explain this concept to him and help him determine if he's doing that or not. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 So what do you want to achieve by confronting him? If he is "rewriting history" he will just deny and if he isn't, he is not going to be best pleased that you think he is lying about his past... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 hour ago, snowcones said: No. But he wants to see me. I'm thinking I could explain this concept to him and help him determine if he's doing that or not. Meh, he;s not going to tell you the truth. Look at the situation-he;s a married guy hitting on a single woman. Why in hell's half acre to you think he's going to give you an honest answer? He's already showing you what his meaning of integrity is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 48 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: Meh, he;s not going to tell you the truth. Look at the situation-he;s a married guy hitting on a single woman. Why in hell's half acre to you think he's going to give you an honest answer? He's already showing you what his meaning of integrity is. Yes I'm aware of that. I just watched a video made by a professional about Rewriting history in affairs and he made it seem like *some* of them DON'T realize that they are rewriting history. Almost like they do it as a trauma-response, so at the very least I could do is point it out to him. How he responds to that and what he does with this info is on him. Something tells me that he doesn't realize what he's doing and telling him could make him step back and at least think about things. Don't worry though, my time is valuable, and I'm not getting paid$$$$ to be his damn therapist so I won't spend too much time trying to convince him or counsel him on his screwed up marriage. That's his problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) It's often a way to justify an affair, and to ease guilt and cognitive dissonance (I'm not a bad person, my horrible spouse drove me into my AP's arms). Or, as it sounds like in this case, it's a married person lying about their relationship status to make you think it's OK to sleep with them. Edited October 23, 2020 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 It's also, of course, possible to be genuinely unhappy in a marriage that looks pretty good from the outside. Plenty of that going around too from everything I hear. Not sure if that's your situation, though. Although I don't think it's been given a label, after a Dday I think some BS's "don't want to hear any complaints" about how the marriage was prior to an affair starting, and if the WS wants to maintain the marriage they may allow significant issues to be railroaded over and rugswept. So there may be some "rewriting of history" going on there as well. From what I understand, IF they reconcile it is described as "building a new marriage," so there is presumably at least opportunity there for issues for both partners to be addressed during that process. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 People have to justify their doings to themselves. So after cheating they convince themselves that their partner and marriage were horrible. They were 'made' to cheat by their horrible spouse. They no longer loved their spouse (because they can't do that to someone they love). They come to believe it themselves. People often begin to believe their own lies when they are repeated enough - to themselves or others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) It's forming a narrative to match the emotions of the moment and, if presented to others to ostensibly sell them, it's marketing. IME, the best cheaters are, firstly, attractive because being attractive causes the whole narrative to be more easily swallowed, and, two, they sell enough truth and disclaimers to make the lies believable. I understand romantic relationships are the focus here but the principle applies to nearly all forms of cheating in life. The good news is every human has lied and cheated in life even if they won't admit it, all part of being an imperfect and self-focused organism. We have our 'reasons' and 'boundaries' where it's OK, and not OK, to engage in lying and cheating. Those who cheat on spouses and partners and lie about it simply extend that boundary to those areas and have reasons for it. They may not lie and cheat on their taxes and be completely honest with their pastor at church when they confess their sins. All part of being human. IME, time reveals all truths. What remains is if one is willing to and desirous of devoting the time to sussing out that truth. It depends. Edited October 23, 2020 by carhill Here not where 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, snowcones said: No. But he wants to see me. I'm thinking I could explain this concept to him and help him determine if he's doing that or not. Keep away. If you mean typical married person trash about 'they're like roommates', 'the kids', 'emotionally separated' etc. That is no 'rewritten history' that is a rehearsed pack of lies married people use to cheat. It would be best to keep away from this guy and let him figure out his 'troubled marriage' on his own or in therapy. Unless he's paying you $200./hr why waste your time? Edited October 23, 2020 by Wiseman2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 No need to rewrite it. Let's see - 'they never have sex' (3x a week doesn't count), 'they are only together for the kids and rarely talk' (wife doesn't know this and thinks they are legitimately married), wife hates sex (maybe - but probably just hates it with him), they never do anything together (this part is true - he is too busy cheating), etc. etc. He will tell himself and others these things so cheating with you is 'ok'. You are about to ruin multiple people's lives - including your own. Run! Seriously. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: It's also, of course, possible to be genuinely unhappy in a marriage that looks pretty good from the outside. Plenty of that going around too from everything I hear. Not sure if that's your situation, though. Although I don't think it's been given a label, after a Dday I think some BS's "don't want to hear any complaints" about how the marriage was prior to an affair starting, and if the WS wants to maintain the marriage they may allow significant issues to be railroaded over and rugswept. So there may be some "rewriting of history" going on there as well. From what I understand, IF they reconcile it is described as "building a new marriage," so there is presumably at least opportunity there for issues for both partners to be addressed during that process. Exacttttly 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 hour ago, notbroken said: People have to justify their doings to themselves. So after cheating they convince themselves that their partner and marriage were horrible. They were 'made' to cheat by their horrible spouse. They no longer loved their spouse (because they can't do that to someone they love). They come to believe it themselves. People often begin to believe their own lies when they are repeated enough - to themselves or others. It's just so messed up. (sorry I don't know how to multi-quote, everyone) Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Keep away. If you mean typical married person trash about 'they're like roommates', 'the kids', 'emotionally separated' etc. That is no 'rewritten history' that is a rehearsed pack of lies married people use to cheat. It would be best to keep away from this guy and let him figure out his 'troubled marriage' on his own or in therapy. Unless he's paying you $200./hr why waste your time? You've got that right about the $200/hr part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 37 minutes ago, notbroken said: No need to rewrite it. Let's see - 'they never have sex' (3x a week doesn't count), 'they are only together for the kids and rarely talk' (wife doesn't know this and thinks they are legitimately married), wife hates sex (maybe - but probably just hates it with him), they never do anything together (this part is true - he is too busy cheating), etc. etc. He will tell himself and others these things so cheating with you is 'ok'. You are about to ruin multiple people's lives - including your own. Run! Seriously. You know what... I honestly don't even care about if any of what he says about his marriage is true or not. It's not my problem. I only care about what's happening to me and I don't really want to deal with someone who is so obsessed about some other relationship they're in, so my patience for him is going to run out in around T-minus 1 day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, snowcones said: my patience for him is going to run out in around T-minus 1 day. That's almost certainly for the best. I think it's not controversial to say that focusing on single guys is better for the vast, vast majority of women. If you were an exception to that you'd probably already know... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Rewriting history means to lie about past events and circumstances so that the person doing it appears blameless. Anyone who does this is a nutjob. Run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 24, 2020 Author Share Posted October 24, 2020 5 hours ago, mark clemson said: That's almost certainly for the best. I think it's not controversial to say that focusing on single guys is better for the vast, vast majority of women. If you were an exception to that you'd probably already know... I am definitely not an exception. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 20 hours ago, elaine567 said: He has "rewritten history" to get his OW to stick around and to get the sympathy vote. Yes, playing the pity card. Or, in some cases......people speak to their own emotions.........................so if a person is not in love with their spouse anymore, they might throw them under the bus, say negative things about them, and say they were never in love - because that's the way they feel now. However, they may have been in love with them in the past, but have only forgotten. People have short-term memory when it comes to love. Also, when someone falls out of love with their spouse but is still with them, they can be resentful - that means they hate the spouses guts, and that's exactly the way they will talk. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 24, 2020 Author Share Posted October 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Also, when someone falls out of love with their spouse but is still with them, they can be resentful - that means they hate the spouses guts, and that's exactly the way they will talk. yes this is exactly how he sounded. Resentful isn't even a strong enough word. He had a lot of resentment towards her for not appreciating him and taking his love for granted. Like he wanted to make her suffer. He said that he loved her but was angry that she didn't love him back and he felt like she was just using him and tricked him. I was really reading him hard and he wasn't just saying all that to get in my pants, he was being genuine, but regardless of that sounds so messy to me and it's their problem to work through, you know? Maybe with a professionals help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 He won't even begin to heal unless he gets counseling and they reconcile, or they get divorced. He's just generally going to be grouchy until things change drastically, and it's going to take a long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: He won't even begin to heal unless he gets counseling and they reconcile, or they get divorced. He's just generally going to be grouchy until things change drastically, and it's going to take a long time. Grouchy is definitely right word. How sad. I mentioned counseling to him and he acknowledged that they were at an impasse and needed some type of help. His idea of making things better was to get with me and tell her about it out of spite in order to force a change. I told him I don't want to be part of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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