Passive Aggressive Remarks

[CherryBing26]

I have posted on here about a totally different issue I’ve had with my boyfriend and his best friend. Anyway, there is another issue I’ve been running into as well and need some guidance.. 

Background: He is 29 and still lives with his parents. He previously had a drinking problem. He has been sober for 1.5 months now, which I’m very proud of him for. I know it’s just the beginning but it’s a start. Anyway, during COVID he did not work, which I considered to be fair considering he works in the food industry. It’s been 7 months and he still hasn’t been working at all. I redid his resume for him to give him a boost of motivation but nothing comes out of it. It’s frustrating because I work and have worked throughout the pandemic. He is going to FL in 2 weeks to an “Ayuhuasca” experience where you take these natural hallucinogens and try to change your life. Apparently it’s some type of introspective experience to find yourself. It’s not my thing but to each their own. 
 

He said working on his sobriety has been most important for now and then he plans on finding work after this “experience” in FL. This is all fine and dandy I guess, but he has been criticizing me a lot lately. I have autoimmune issues and have been struggling lately with my food choices. The diet is very strict. Everytime I veer off my diet he makes a passive aggressive remark towards me. If I skip a day of walking outside for exercise because I’m not up to it, he makes a comment. He gets mad sometimes because I don’t have a lot of cooking utensils (I never cook) or gets mad if my apartment is a little disorganized. (I recently moved and haven’t had the energy to fully unpack - I live on my own). He gets “sulky” if I play music in the car he doesn’t like... he gets sulky if we go to a restaurant and he doesn’t like his food...

I guess it just upsets me because I struggle a lot with paying all my own bills, working, and managing my health. Some weeks I’m just not up to par. I have my own mental health issues but I try my best. If I don’t go walk outside one day for exercise he says “I guess you don’t care about your health.”‘ and I find those remarks passive aggressive. Especially coming from someone who does not work or have responsibilities. He plays video games all day.... 
 

Other than that, he’s a great person. He is very loyal, caring, and sweet. I have never met someone i feel so connected to. He is truly always there for me when I need him, but I can’t help but feel like sometimes he could lay off the comments, especially because he doesn’t exactly have his life together..  it just seems hypocritical. 
 

Any thoughts on how I could deal with this? 
 

 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, CherryBing26 said:

Other than that, he’s a great person.

Other than the assignation of your Husband, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln? 

Your BF is not a great person.  He's an insensitive clod.  Next time he stays home playing video games, or fails to apply for a job, why not adopt his approach & ask him "Guess you don't care about yourself or us because you played games instead of job hunting."  Turn the tables.  See how fast he screams. 

This Florida trip with the hallucinogens is insane.  Beer is natural & sometimes organic.  Sober people fighting alcohol addiction don't drink it.  Taking whatever crap he's going to ingest in Florida will be the end of his 1.5 months of sobriety.  

Right now you are too misguided so see the truth.  Try going to a couple of Al-Anon meetings.  They help people who love addicts.  That group will open your eyes about your BF.  Armed with that info, you will know what do next.  

At a minimum if he went on this trip to FL I would not be there when he got back.  

[alphamale]

^^^this

[boymommy]

I am an addictions counselor. If he is recently sober then his brain is still going through what is called post acute withdrawl. This can last for up to 18 months-2 yrs in some people. A lot of the physical acute symptoms are probably gone but now the more psychological ones are present. This can range from irritability, anger, insomnia, lack of motivation, anxiety, decrease in overall functioning. These are not his fault..BUT how he deals with them is on him. He can get therapy, he can get better coping skills, join AA, get more support. Withdrawal isnt an excuse to slack off and treat your girlfriend badly. 
 

For your part..I would suggest Al-Anon and getting your own support group. The more you enable him the less he will be motivated to make these changes. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by boymommy

[Fletch Lives]

Listen to boymommy!

[d0nnivain]

20 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I am an addictions counselor. If he is recently sober then his brain is still going through what is called post acute withdrawl. This can last for up to 18 months-2 yrs in some people. 

I'm taking you at your word that all of this is true.  You are the expert; I am not but the OPs BF has been passive aggressive & snarky with her throughout their relationship.  He's only been "sober" for 1.5 month.  Since he plans to take drugs on his upcoming trip I put sober in quotes because I don't quite believe he is sober.  Back to my point.  The sobriety is new.  The nasty comments have always existed so how can they be a function of his withdrawal?  

[CherryBing26]

He’s always made little remarks like this but it’s gotten worse since he been sober. He goes so far as to making remarks about how much I go on my phone, if I drink a Red Bull, if I heat up his tea with the microwave vs the stove, lol. It’s small things but they become tiresome after awhile. I worked full time and graduated college at the same with honors. I worked hard all my life to be able to support myself, so sometimes I just don’t like hearing all the small nagging. I’m not perfect but I do get in my own ruts of depression where all I can do is wake up and work. He tells me “well you’re in a depressive rut; I want to try to motivate you” and I say to him “well you’re not motivated much either” and he says “well you’re more miserable than me.” All I can think to myself is of course you’re not miserable, you don’t work and your parents help you with a lot. 
 

Sometimes it’s hard to take advice or hear criticism from someone who isn’t exactly a role model themselves. He says I’m being too sensitive. 
 

I actually don’t like drinking or doing any type of drug. I never had an issue with it so it’s hard for me to understand if his withdrawal is adding into this or what. I want to be supportive and understand it but I also don’t want to be an enabler or get walked all over. 
 

I have a hard time trusting my own feelings sometimes. 

[d0nnivain]

Al Anon is your answer

[boymommy]

49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm taking you at your word that all of this is true.  You are the expert; I am not but the OPs BF has been passive aggressive & snarky with her throughout their relationship.  He's only been "sober" for 1.5 month.  Since he plans to take drugs on his upcoming trip I put sober in quotes because I don't quite believe he is sober.  Back to my point.  The sobriety is new.  The nasty comments have always existed so how can they be a function of his withdrawal?  

Someone who was previously passive aggressive and snarky can very easily escalate due to withdrawl. I have seen it happen. 
 

As I said, it doesnt excuse his behavior though. Even if he got worse, he still can take steps to get help. Thats within his control. 
 

Taking even natural drugs is a big no no in recovery. We warn people even to watch taking over the counter supplements because it can trigger relapse let alone hallocinogins. Not a good idea on his part. 

Edited October 23, 2020 by boymommy

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Take care of your health and find a good man. The stress of being with someone like this could flare up your issues. He lives at home, he has enough money for a tripping trip and he's 6 weeks "sober"?. No offense but he's a loser add to that he's snarky and almost verbally abusive.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

He doesn't need an ayuhuasca experience, he just needs to grow the hell up. He's 29 and still living with his mummy and daddy and this guy has the gall to complain because you don't have the right cooking utensils? He's got big problems, more than likely caused by being molly-coddled to the point that he's still a big baby who sulks whenever he doesn't have his own way.  How can you deal with it? Next time he sulks, about anything at all, allow yourself to lose your temper and blast him into the next hemisphere. List his faults for him, get stuck in to him about clinging to his mummy and daddy, point out what an ill-mannered douche he is, tell him his negativity is draining you, and then please dump his whiney ass.  As for his ayuhuasca experience, he should be careful, it might snuff out brain cells he can ill-afford to lose because it sounds like he doesn't have any to spare. 

[mark clemson]

Not a specialist in this area either, but from everything I've read about these Ayuhuasca things, there is little in common between it and getting drunk. Sure there are chemicals involved with both, but there are "medical procedures" involved with for example both liposuction and a vasectomy. The type and subjective experience of the "intoxication" are likely to be drastically different, and as I understand it the Ayuhuasca experience is, if done correctly, purpose-driven.

If it was me I wouldn't worry too much unless he comes back wanting to start taking Ecstasy and ketamine too or similar, in which case yeah a new problem was created. I suspect that is unlikely, but of course it's always possible.

Make of that what you will.

Edited October 23, 2020 by mark clemson

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, CherryBing26 said:

I guess it just upsets me because I struggle a lot with paying all my own bills, working, and managing my health. Some weeks I’m just not up to par. I have my own mental health issues but I try my best. If I don’t go walk outside one day for exercise he says “I guess you don’t care about your health.”‘ and I find those remarks passive aggressive. Especially coming from someone who does not work or have responsibilities. He plays video games all day.... 

 

Other than that, he’s a great person. He is very loyal, caring, and sweet. I have never met someone i feel so connected to. He is truly always there for me when I need him, but I can’t help but feel like sometimes he could lay off the comments, especially because he doesn’t exactly have his life together..  it just seems hypocritical. 

It upsets you because you are normal. Being treated this way SHOULD upset anyone.

9 hours ago, CherryBing26 said:

I actually don’t like drinking or doing any type of drug. I never had an issue with it so it’s hard for me to understand if his withdrawal is adding into this or what. I want to be supportive and understand it but I also don’t want to be an enabler or get walked all over.

You're making the mistake many empathetic people make: going out of their way to be supportive to and understanding of people, but forgetting that they are people too and deserve the same support and understanding. Your first responsibility on this earth is to yourself. You need to focus on your health and well-being. You see that energy you're using to understand what he's going through and why he's behaving the way he is? If he was doing the same thing where you were concerned, it would balance things out. But he's not doing it, so it's a one-sided thing. And that can be draining in the long term, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS. So, for your own sake, you need to reclaim some of that kindness you're directing at him and invest it in yourself instead.

It sounds like you may be neglecting yourself because you're trying so hard to be a good girlfriend. You shouldn't spend so much emotional energy trying to justify yourself to another human being under your own roof. Your home is your safe space. He is a visitor there. He needs to respect you and your space. You shouldn't spend the whole day working hard then come home to make tea for someone who's been playing games all day (and actually has the chutzpah to criticize how you warm his tea: WTF?!). 

Edited October 24, 2020 by Acacia98

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Not a specialist in this area either, but from everything I've read about these Ayuhuasca things, there is little in common between it and getting drunk. Sure there are chemicals involved with both, but there are "medical procedures" involved with for example both liposuction and a vasectomy. The type and subjective experience of the "intoxication" are likely to be drastically different, and as I understand it the Ayuhuasca experience is, if done correctly, purpose-driven.

If it was me I wouldn't worry too much unless he comes back wanting to start taking Ecstasy and ketamine too or similar, in which case yeah a new problem was created. I suspect that is unlikely, but of course it's always possible.

Make of that what you will.

This actually is not correct. Regardless of the substance, addiction affects the same area of your brain (dopamine) regardless of what drug that is. People have actually recovered from drug addiction and switched to alcoholism (for this very reason). They think if its not their drug of choice then they are “safe” but in reality they are at higher risk during recovery. Addiction is addiction. Its a chemical imbalance in your brain regardless of what drug you are consuming. 
 

Thats not to say everyone in recovery becomes addicted to something else...but being cross addicted (or having multiple addictions) is very common for a reason. You stop one and pick up another. Thats why we warn people to stay away from all mind altering chemicals in recovery. 

[Ellener]

@CherryBing26 jumps out at me how much you two are up in each other's business! It's not his business how you take care of your health or have your apartment, it's not your business whether he is sober or working.

The only person any of us can change or 'fix' is ourself. 

I don't see 'passive aggressive' necessarily, but that you each have poor boundaries. 'Enmeshed', hence the ongoing criticisms/resentments of each other.

If he's only been sober for 6 weeks you were attracted to and became involved with someone with a drinking problem? If you are in denial about managing your own health, well there's maybe a reason you've never felt so connected to anyone...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

I agree that he's too much in your business.   However, while you can't change him, you could do with making small some changes yourself.  If you correct some of your own approaches, then it may help calm things.   For example:

He gets mad sometimes because I don’t have a lot of cooking utensils (I never cook)   I'm guessing that he's frustrated because he's in your kitchen and trying to cook something.  Rather than having this as an ongoing issue, how about asking him to go a cooking utensil shopping trip with you.   If you go a a large chain store, it won't break the bank and you may be inspired to cook too.

He gets “sulky” if I play music in the car he doesn’t like.    I suspect it's irritation rather than getting the sulks.  And honestly, it's just plain courtesy to try and find music that both people can agree on.   Talk about what music you both want and play that.

I heat up his tea with the microwave vs the stove, lol   You're right that this is a small thing.  So as it's a small thing, why not use a kettle or saucepan on a stove?   And as a drinker of hot tea, the idea of heating it in the microwave just gives me the horrors.   I'm so with him on this.

He tells me “well you’re in a depressive rut; I want to try to motivate you” and I say to him “well you’re not motivated much either” and he says “well you’re more miserable than me.”    He's trying to help you.  If you don't want his help, rather than insulting him, politely set a boundary.   "I know you're trying to help and I'm glad you care.  However I would like if you could leave me to manage this myself.  I won't hesitate to ask you for support if I need it"

I'm not trying to make you the bad guy here because he's got a lot of stuff which needs addressing.  But it would be remiss of you to not consider how you are contributing to the dynamic too.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Not a specialist in this area  . Sure there are chemicals involved with both, but there are "medical procedures" involved with for example both liposuction and a vasectomy

Nobody who goes in for elective surgery gets put on a dangerous cocktail of hallucinogenics by a bunch of self proclaimed gurus.

The point is this 29 y/o guy drinks, takes drugs, is unemployed and lives in mom and dad's house. Not a good situation.

The stupidity of subjecting an alcohol damaged brain to this dangerous fad boggles the mind.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The stupidity of subjecting an alcohol damaged brain to this dangerous fad boggles the mind.

16 hours ago, boymommy said:

 Regardless of the substance, addiction affects the same area of your brain (dopamine) regardless of what drug that is.

Fair enough. I would point out that this is not something I personally recommended (or would recommend) for the OP's BF or anything like that. I don't think what I wrote was technically incorrect. That said, I DO understand why an approach of "no chemicals" to someone in recovery for chem dependence makes sense.

People were saying to walk out on the BF while he goes for this Ayuhuasca thing. I don't think that's necessary. See how it goes instead. You two may not want to concede this but there IS a chance he'll come back from it a better person and even more likely no better or worse. I certainly concede there ARE risks involved and it's probably not the best approach one could take to "changing one's life" or whatever he is trying to get out of it.

 

 

[CherryBing26]

I appreciate everyone’s responses. But just to say, I never really made remarks at my boyfriend for his choices in life. I’m a really laid back person and I tend to keep to myself. I’m pretty introverted. 
 

I have only started mentioning things because he has been so critical of me recently. It bothered me that he criticized the smallest things I did. Instead of getting mad that I microwaved his tea he could’ve just said it in a nice way rather than making a face and pouring it out. Instead of getting mad I don’t have cooking utensils, yes we could have went on a trip to the store together. But let me say this, I have most basic average cooking supplies. I don’t have a cast iron skillet, no. I don’t have a peeler, no. But these are things you can easily get around. 
 

Last night we had a conversation about his Ayuahasca trip. He wanted to show me a documentary on it. I agreed and watched it. The whole time he kept looking at me to make sure I was watching it. Towards the end; he said he felt like I wasn’t interested and like I wasn’t being positive about it. I have told him time and time again that I support him doing whatever he thinks will help him. I told him it scares me personally but if he truly feels he needs to do it, I’m supporting it. 
 

He said he wishes I’d be more positive. I don’t understand how I’m not being positive? I told him I hope it helps him and I support it. Just because I’m not super interested in it personallly doesn’t mean anything. 
 

im just starting to reach a breaking point here. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CherryBing26 said:

im just starting to reach a breaking point here. 

Sorry to hear that, however your good instincts and judgement are telling you something.

Keep saying to yourself:  'AA' Does Not Stand For Ayahuasca Adventure.

His priorities are out of whack.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, CherryBing26 said:

im just starting to reach a breaking point here. 

and there's nothing wrong with that. You're at different places in life that's all. 

[CherryBing26]

Thank you everyone. You have all helped me put things in perspective more than you know! 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, CherryBing26 said:

. Instead of getting mad that I microwaved his tea he could’ve just said it in a nice way rather than making a face and pouring it out. Instead of getting mad I don’t have cooking utensils, yes we could have went on a trip to the store together.

im just starting to reach a breaking point here. 

Yes, that IS pretty passive aggressive. Maybe even "aggressive-aggressive". Sounds like he's having trouble with the stresses of detox/rehab.

Personally, I wouldn't leave over the Ayuahasca thing in and of itself, but maybe all the rest of his behaviors will drive you away. Doesn't sound like much fun and I doubt anyone would blame you.

[marycontrary1]

I live in South America and I will be drinking Ayahuasca tonight with my beloved indigenous shaman. It does break people out of their addictions and neurosis. However, it appears to me that your boyfriend is taking you for granted , and you trying to fix him appears to me to be some severe codependency issues. I've been there oh, and I can tell you that this is due to Childhood trauma. Big hugs , and please do not tolerate disrespectful Behavior

[Gaeta]

On 10/23/2020 at 10:48 AM, CherryBing26 said:

 I worked full time and graduated college at the same with honors. I worked hard all my life to be able to support myself,

I actually don’t like drinking or doing any type of drug.

So why did you pick a man like this? This man is a weight attached at your ankle pulling you down. I don't understand a  young smart woman, educated, independent, picks such a loser for boyfriend.