Caring for aging parents as an only son

[CarlosYasuda]

Hello all.

I'll try to be brief: I'm 36 years old, an only son, and I was born in Brazil. I moved to Montreal, when I was 29, with my wife who was also 29 at the time.

My mom is 56 years old, my dad is 66 - they're both healthy and pretty able to take care of themselves for the moment (both retired).

 

I love my life in Montreal, me and my wife have both good jobs, stable careers and have become Canadian citizens this year - we're very happy here! 

Until very recently, I hadn't put much thought about this, but the whole pandemic anxiety has me thinking about how can I take care of my parents when they are elderly, living very far away from them.

I don't want to move back to where I left in the first place (I'll not list the reasons as it will get political), but I also worry as what I'll be able to do when my parents get even older. Moving them to Montreal would be very very very difficult - they have zero knowledge of french or english, and they are not willing to learn.

 

Brazilians are very family-oriented, so whenever I speak to my cousins they bring up the whole "you abandoned your parents" talk. At first I just shrugged it off because it's not true - I still love my parents and I visit them whenever I can, I give emotional and financial support whenever they need (which is gladly very seldom) and I call every week. I miss them, but every time I go there, I miss my life here in Montreal much more, I don't want to give this up and it makes me feel like a selfish b**tard.

I feel guilty for pursuing my own happiness and leaving my parents behind - why do I feel this? Having only one child was their own choice, and even if they had another child: what if he/she wanted to leave too?

 

Has anyone here lived a similar experience? Having no siblings and taking care of elderly parents living far away?

note: I've already talked to my wife about this, she said she will support whatever decision I make, be that moving back closer to them, or paying a nurse/caretaker to look after them if needed (this second option doesn't please me very much, though)

[Ellener]

52 minutes ago, CarlosYasuda said:

they're both healthy and pretty able to take care of themselves for the moment

All we have is the moment, the pandemic showed that. Don't worry too far ahead, except if you plan to help financially it's expensive for good senior care here so allow for that in your financial planning. Your own feelings may change later but for now enjoy life where you're at.

55 minutes ago, CarlosYasuda said:

I give emotional and financial support whenever they need

Which is more than some people can do living in the same home! It's not for everyone, caring in such a way to give seniors quality of life and autonomy. And not be resentful.

The best gift good people receive from their child is the child grows up to live a happy decent independent life. It validates the years of parenting.

Talk to your cousins less...talk to anyone less who deliberately and thoughtlessly undermines your happiness.

[d0nnivain]

I am an only child.  My parents passed away about 10 years ago when I was in my mid 40s.  I moved closed to them in my mid 30s to be there for them.  They were in their 70s at the time.  

I'm glad I made the choice I did.  I would not have been able to live with the guilt if I had left them to their own devices.  I truly believe that some safety measures I implemented extended their lives & the quality of those lives.  

Now while your parents are in their 60s I think you are fine staying where you are but do try for yearly visits once Covid allows that again.  If one passes, then you can assess the other's need.  Do educate yourself about the immigration rules where you are now in case that parent has to come to you.  Long distance care giving is next to impossible unless you have the money to pay for FT in home care.  

[CarlosYasuda]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

All we have is the moment, the pandemic showed that. Don't worry too far ahead, except if you plan to help financially it's expensive for good senior care here so allow for that in your financial planning. Your own feelings may change later but for now enjoy life where you're at.

Which is more than some people can do living in the same home! It's not for everyone, caring in such a way to give seniors quality of life and autonomy. And not be resentful.

The best gift good people receive from their child is the child grows up to live a happy decent independent life. It validates the years of parenting.

Talk to your cousins less...talk to anyone less who deliberately and thoughtlessly undermines your happiness.

Thank you, I have this bad habit of anticipating suffering, I've always been anxious and it's hard for me to control this (doing therapy currently).

As for my cousins, they a**holes in general, I've already muted all my family group chats last week because honestly, I hate the vast majority of them.

 

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I am an only child.  My parents passed away about 10 years ago when I was in my mid 40s.  I moved closed to them in my mid 30s to be there for them.  They were in their 70s at the time.  

I'm glad I made the choice I did.  I would not have been able to live with the guilt if I had left them to their own devices.  I truly believe that some safety measures I implemented extended their lives & the quality of those lives.  

Now while your parents are in their 60s I think you are fine staying where you are but do try for yearly visits once Covid allows that again.  If one passes, then you can assess the other's need.  Do educate yourself about the immigration rules where you are now in case that parent has to come to you.  Long distance care giving is next to impossible unless you have the money to pay for FT in home care.  

Appreciate your input. We used to visit them twice a year, it was a good dynamic until covid arrived.

As for immigration on their side, it's not that hard (bureaucratic speaking), and I've actually been bugging them to do it, but they are not willing - they say they don't want to learn english or french, nor leave their house (they live there since 1980, my father built it).

As for expenses in home care, it's something I have already started saving money for so I'm not worried.

What I'm mentally struggling is the idea that I will either have to give up some 40 years of my life I could happily live where we are now, OR live with the constant guilt trip that I've abandoned my parents.

 

Before anyone asks, I'm wary of moving back for many reasons, but the main one is how the job market is for our area in there - not good at all.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to move back or give anything up.  You do have to find a path that works for you & enables you to make hard choices that will allow you to sleep at night.  It sounds like you have the foundations of a plan & your parents know they have options.  For now that is enough

[Watercolors]

I took care of my elderly mother for 3 years by living with her, until I no longer could manage her care alone and found a memory care nursing home room for her.

Since you and your wife live in a separate country than your elderly parents, your only realistic choices are to travel to Brazil to do the following;

1. Find an assisted living apartment bldg that also has a memory care floor inside it, so that your parents both can transition from assisted living that has more freedom, to memory care, when they start to exhibit signs of dementia and can no longer feed or bathe themselves and need the help of nursing aides, that are provided to people on a 5-hour shift basis in memory care units.

2. Go on to the Alzheimers Association website. They have a phone number where social workers are available to answer adult children's questions 24/7 about people in your exact situation. They can help connect you and your wife with resources in Brazil (hopefully).

[major_merrick]

My husband is an only child.  His parents are older than yours, and still in good health.  He feels very strongly that he is to be the "dutiful son" and take care of them in their old age.  When it became clear that he would be living in our current location for the rest of his life, my husband made sure that his parents moved close by.  For me, that means I've got my in-laws in my life A LOT. 

Would your parents consider leaving Brazil and going to live with you?  Or are they happier where they are at?  How do your parents feel about you living thousands of miles away?  I know your cousins have their perspective, but the most important thing is how your parents feel.  And how well does your wife get along with your parents?  In my case, my MIL hates me, and prefers my husband's other partners (I'm wife #3 of 5, not the only one) so having my MIL in my house frequently drives me crazy. 

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, CarlosYasuda said:

Thank you, I have this bad habit of anticipating suffering, I've always been anxious and it's hard for me to control this (doing therapy currently).

Sounds like you're doing great to me, remember everyone's got something! Your parents are still young and well, don't jump too far ahead 😀

-'sufficient unto the day is the trouble thereof'.

[Ruby Slippers]

In your situation, I'd offer to let one or both move to my location when the time is right and they need it. If they're not willing to do that, I'd contribute to a caretaker in their area. 

[FMW]

I don't have siblings.  My mother is almost 74 and in good health now, living about a three hour drive from me.  My father died 4 years ago.

My mom has mentioned that when necessary, she might move to my City and live in a care facility here so that I can visit often.  We both agree we would drive each other crazy if I moved her in with me.    

But to be honest, I try not to think about it too much right now.  We have that possible plan, but who knows what the future holds.  I've found that life throws enough hurdles our way that it doesn't pay to get bogged down in details of plans that may never come to pass.

If you can find a way to bring the topic up with your parents some time, ask them what their ideas or plans are, that you would like to know how you can be of assistance when needed.  They've probably discussed it themselves and might even have plans in place. I understand the responsibility you feel, believe me.  But they clearly are used to living at a distance from you and it's unlikely they are expecting you to be their caretaker and decision maker.    

Your cousins need to mind their own business.  This is something between you (and your wife) and your parents.   

 

[CarlosYasuda]

On 10/23/2020 at 7:01 PM, Watercolors said:

I took care of my elderly mother for 3 years by living with her, until I no longer could manage her care alone and found a memory care nursing home room for her.

Since you and your wife live in a separate country than your elderly parents, your only realistic choices are to travel to Brazil to do the following;

1. Find an assisted living apartment bldg that also has a memory care floor inside it, so that your parents both can transition from assisted living that has more freedom, to memory care, when they start to exhibit signs of dementia and can no longer feed or bathe themselves and need the help of nursing aides, that are provided to people on a 5-hour shift basis in memory care units.

2. Go on to the Alzheimers Association website. They have a phone number where social workers are available to answer adult children's questions 24/7 about people in your exact situation. They can help connect you and your wife with resources in Brazil (hopefully).

Thanks for your input, I do agree with both items, and although Alzheimers doesn't run in my family, it will be good to keep a watch.

I have no issues travaling to Brazil at all, I just don't want to leave there.

 

On 10/23/2020 at 9:51 PM, major_merrick said:

My husband is an only child.  His parents are older than yours, and still in good health.  He feels very strongly that he is to be the "dutiful son" and take care of them in their old age.  When it became clear that he would be living in our current location for the rest of his life, my husband made sure that his parents moved close by.  For me, that means I've got my in-laws in my life A LOT. 

Would your parents consider leaving Brazil and going to live with you?  Or are they happier where they are at?  How do your parents feel about you living thousands of miles away?  I know your cousins have their perspective, but the most important thing is how your parents feel.  And how well does your wife get along with your parents?  In my case, my MIL hates me, and prefers my husband's other partners (I'm wife #3 of 5, not the only one) so having my MIL in my house frequently drives me crazy. 

Thanks.

My parents don't consider moving out of Brazil at all - heck, my father was literally BORN in the house they live in, he never showed intentions to leave.

They do miss me, but they respect my decision of living abroad, and thank goodness they are tech curious and manage to get around Facebook and/or Whatsapp so we can Facetime every week.

As for my wife, she likes my parents very much - a few minor issues at the beginning of our relationship, but they were mainly related to my mom's jealousy when it came to my wife (the whole empty nest thing hit her hard when she realized this girlfriend was "for real").

But nowadays, my wife says she's closer to my mom than to her own, they get along very well, and she already mentioned the possibility of moving them here.

Neither me or her want to live in the same house as them - not under the same roof anyway - but would have no issues having them as neighbors.

 

On 10/23/2020 at 11:22 PM, FMW said:

I don't have siblings.  My mother is almost 74 and in good health now, living about a three hour drive from me.  My father died 4 years ago.

My mom has mentioned that when necessary, she might move to my City and live in a care facility here so that I can visit often.  We both agree we would drive each other crazy if I moved her in with me.    

But to be honest, I try not to think about it too much right now.  We have that possible plan, but who knows what the future holds.  I've found that life throws enough hurdles our way that it doesn't pay to get bogged down in details of plans that may never come to pass.

If you can find a way to bring the topic up with your parents some time, ask them what their ideas or plans are, that you would like to know how you can be of assistance when needed.  They've probably discussed it themselves and might even have plans in place. I understand the responsibility you feel, believe me.  But they clearly are used to living at a distance from you and it's unlikely they are expecting you to be their caretaker and decision maker.    

Your cousins need to mind their own business.  This is something between you (and your wife) and your parents.   

 

Thanks for your input.

I did bring this topic to my parents, but they didn't give me a clear answer. They sounded like they didn't want to be a bother and I shouldn't worry about them because they will manage to take care of themselves. But as you said, I do worry and I feel responsible for them.

[major_merrick]

Since you don't want to leave Canada and your parents don't want to leave Brazil, you are at an impasse.  Perhaps save money for an extended leave of absence, just in case something happens.  Other than that, you'll probably need to just put the decisions off for a later time and not "borrow trouble" that hasn't happened yet.  Circumstances can change, and when that day comes you can re-evaluate what you're doing.  Having money in reserve will allow you to have more options when/if that day comes. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Put off this worry for 20 years. There's no point in living near them now. Wait til they are disabled or really needing help. I lived just by accident within two hours of my parents ... actually two hours was a good distance. Meant I was not supposed to help them everyday. But I could quickly get there and also schedule regular visits.

Your parents are proud of you ... live your life to the fullest. That's your job right now. You can decide how to help them in 20 years when they might need it.

 

 

[Pumaza]

You are only kid?But not only family member.

If your family is close they can help you out.

But even now, for yourself also, dont stay away. Visit them as much as posible and call video call them alot.

Life is short.At the end you will only have the good memories. Bit if you dont make any,you wont have any.

 

[LeniA]

Before I lost my dad to cancer 4 years ago,we had hospice come in when he was going down hill.Nurses did come to visit too.It helped big time with my mom,2 younger brothers and I.I did come over and visit for a couple hours on off time.

[Watercolors]

Carlos it sounds like your dad is adamant in staying put, in his childhood home for now. So, how you can counteract his stubbornness is by hiring a nurse (you can get your parents’ health insurance to pay for it, but each has to be assessed by the same doctor who will then write the order for outside nursing services). 

To give you more context. In order to get my mom outside help while I lived with her, I had her assessed by her doctor. She thought she was going in for a routine appointment. The doctor asked her random questions to test her memory. She failed all of his questions. So, he was able to write an order to have her health insurance cover outpatient nursing services that I could call, to come and help me with her laundry and housekeeping, help me with her medications, and help me with her at night when she would sundown (i.e. not sleep between midnight to 6 am). That outpatient nursing service saved my sanity. It gave me help until I could find her a bed in a quality memory care facility. 

I know you don’t want to live in Brazil. Well, you don’t have to. But, you would need to take a month or two off from work, to get the doctor appointment and assessment done, find an assisted living (they still live independently, but the assisted living facility has on-staff doctors and nurses and social workers to help them when they need it) since they are still able to do some things without assistance. Getting your dad to leave his family home will be your biggest challenge, when he and your mom can’t live alone safely anymore. Maybe that will be when you could take it over, and rent it out to either permanent tenants, or on AirBnB or whatever. It just means thinking outside the box here. 

[alphamale]

Ask your parents what they would want once they get older...do keep in mind that many kids return to their home towns to take of family.  Always remember that family comes first.