So I wrote this to him.

[LaceyMcAntire]

If you have read my previous posts, I have absolutely and regrettably fallen in love with my best guy friend, and the feelings werent quite reciprocated. We have tried just staying friends, but it's so hard for me to do, so I wrote this to him, and now, I feel really guilty, because he is still my friend, and he didnt do anything to me other than not return the love I had for him, but I want some advice, should I worry more about our friendship, because, ultimately it is my fault I am always trying to make him want me more than a friend, or was this a good way to part ways on good terms? He called me this morning to say "you good?" I just said, yep but nicely, and then he asked again, and I said the same, and he was like, "yep" good? right.. I just said, alright, Ill catch ya later.. and that was it.. I dont want him to hate me, but I feel like all I do is struggle. Here is the email below:

Being ‘just friends’ with you means pushing down the parts of me that are “real” and committing to the boundaries and promises that I’m not sure I can trust myself to adhere to. It means stepping away each time I want to step closer. Trying harder when you’re pushing me away.

What I am struggling so hard with is that the thing about you is that you make me want to be a better version of myself. Because I am not always myself or even my “best self” talking with or being around you, because I have too many neurotic thoughts and insecurities.

I want to be someone who can love more fully, give more selflessly, put aside my own needs and finally put someone else’s above my own. And I feel that that means stepping away from your life and giving you the space you need and want to move on without my pushing and nagging.

You make me want to become the kind of person who is big enough to be a good friend to you.

But doing so means having to finally bury the part of me that hopes for something more.

And I’m not ready to do that. I want to, but I can’t and being “just friends” with you and giving you the type of platonic-only friendship that you want is not something I am able to do right now. I still find myself having expectations although I have tried hard not to have. It’s an unfair cycle for you, and Im being selfish by making you ride that roller coaster with me. This totally sucks for me, but I think it’s the best for you, and that’s what really matters to me.

 

Was that a decent way to express that I want to so bad keep our friendship, but it's just too hard for me right now? AM I being silly or crazy to feel like I cant be friends? Im so confused by my feelings!

 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

AM I being silly or crazy to feel like I cant be friends?

No, of course not, but stop making such heavy weather of it.
That email was OTT and slightly crazy IMO and no wonder he asked if you were OK?

You have fallen for your best friend, he doesn't feel the same, end of.  It happens.
You leave him alone and move on. 
Anything else is too much and smacks of over-dramatisation and attempted manipulation.
He doesn't want you, accept it. 

[LaceyMcAntire]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No, of course not, but stop making such heavy weather of it.
That email was OTT and slightly crazy IMO and no wonder he asked if you were OK?

You have fallen for your best friend, he doesn't feel the same, end of.  It happens.
You leave him alone and move on. 
Anything else is too much and smacks of over-dramatisation and attempted manipulation.
He doesn't want you, accept it. 

Yeah I can absolutely see where it seems over the top to someone who isnt quite as familiar with what we have both gone through with this roller coaster ride, we get too close, fall back, etc.. theres alot more to it that would seem like this isnt as dramatic of an email as it seems to someone just getting the minimum. I dont see anywhere where I was being manipulative, at least that was never my intention, only to show I care and express myself. I have a more intense way of letting feelings be known and he is familiar with that. if that makes sense.

[elaine567]

I think we are all pretty aware of this saga...

Why show you care?
Is that not an attempt to manipulate?
If you truly wanted to end things, easy done in a lot fewer words.
But NO. You still hold out some hope and this is just  another attempt to get his attention...
 

[LaceyMcAntire]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

I think we are all pretty aware of this saga...

Why show you care?
Is that not an attempt to manipulate?
If you truly wanted to end things, easy done in a lot fewer words.
But NO. You still hold out some hope and this is just  another attempt to get his attention...
 

No it's not, I feel like you are reading me all wrong and Im sorry you arent seeing it as I am. I am absolutely not trying to get his attantion as this is seriously my way of just trying to part ways nicely, let him know why without totally being a b**** and making it an easier peace of mind for me to move on. Im doing this for myself, I have no intentions of trying to talk to him about this, in fact, Im sure he will respect it and we will move on, I just wanted advice, not to be told I am being manipulative. But thanks, your advice is taken and I will absolutely keep that in mind.

[d0nnivain]

You said your piece.  Now you have to put that into practice.  You have to step away.  Mute him on social media.  Don't initiate contact with him.  Take your life in a different direction.  Get out there & DO something.  Take an affirmative step to find a romantic partner.  

For his part he needs to give you the freedom & the space to do that.  He can't pester you for daily contact either.  It's unfair for him to force friendship on you right now when you need distance to get your unrequited feelings under control. 

In your shoes, I'd respond succinctly if he reaches out & decline get togethers except for big group things if you have the same friends & even then keep from being alone with him.  By the holidays you can send a card or good wishes but again keep your distance.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

This totally sucks for me, but I think it’s the best for you, and that’s what really matters to me.

No this is what's best for you, not him.  You are the one who can't detach because you are in love.  He isn't and will probably feel more comfortable not hanging out with you knowing you have feelings that he can't match.  Sooner or later he will have a gf and it will tear your heart out being around them.

Edited October 23, 2020 by stillafool

[Miss Spider]

On 10/23/2020 at 11:28 AM, LaceyMcAntire said:

Yeah I can absolutely see where it seems over the top to someone who isnt quite as familiar with what we have both gone through with this roller coaster ride, we get too close, fall back, etc.. theres alot more to it that would seem like this isnt as dramatic of an email as it seems to someone just getting the minimum. I dont see anywhere where I was being manipulative, at least that was never my intention, only to show I care and express myself. I have a more intense way of letting feelings be known and he is familiar with that. if that makes sense.

Hey sorry this happened. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to fall in love with a best friend and have them not feel the same.

It’s fine. You did the right thing by cutting off from him. It would only hurt you more and more in the long run. The feelings were not there and can’t make anyone feel something that they don’t. 

 

Just for the future and because you asked:

When we have feelings for someone, we sometimes feel the need to pour out our hearts. However, when they don’t feel the same, they usually handle lengthy, over-emotional purges very well. Better to just accept it for what it is and move on. Best of luck to you 

Edited October 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Lacey, first off, I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this.  But I have to be honest here, that was a difficult message to read.  It really was way over the top, melodramatic and absolutely not necessary.   

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but knowing men as I do (I have five brothers), I doubt he even read the whole thing.  Like shortskirts said, most men do not like nor appreciate dramatic emotional purges like that.

I know you said that it's your typical style, your dynamic, but did it ever occur to you that might be precisely why he never developed romantic feelings for you?  You gotta allow a guy the space to wonder about you sometimes, wonder how you feel.    You did just the opposite, you just handed your feelings/emotions over to him on a gold-plated platter!  Along with all your power.

Please don't ever let a man know you care more about HIS feelings than you do your own, especially after he tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you.   He won't respect you nor value you.   

Start caring about YOURSELF and your own feelings.  He's a grown man, he can handle his own.  All you should have said is "I'm sorry but I cannot be friends with you anymore, it's too hurtful, I am moving on, take care."  That's it!!

And then blocked and deleted and done just that, moved on.  

Anyway, apologies if this sounded harsh, but I dunno lesson learned for the next guy?   

Learn to contain your feelings and express them when appropriate, like when you're in a relationship.  Try to not be overly dramatic about it.   Maintain your respect and dignity.  Keep an air of mystery about you.

Again I'm sorry, feel better and best of luck moving forward.

 

 

[Mrin]

So I have not read anything about your story earlier. I'm a big fan of overly dramatic farewells so aside from putting his needs above yours (that was weird) I thought it was a fine overly dramatic farewell. Ha! Now let it be just that - a farewell. 

[major_merrick]

Things get sticky when you fall in love with your best friend.  That's been the source of much of my drama for the last 20 years! 

You've said your piece, and said goodbye.  But I get the sense that you don't really mean it to be goodbye.  And he probably senses that.  You two aren't done with each other.  I know it will be hard, but perhaps the best thing to do is get some space, and then continue your friendship and let it just be a friendship.  For now. 

My husband and I were childhood friends, dated off and on through highschool.  Got engaged, then I broke it off.  He married somebody else.  Divorced.  Married again.  Then I got in the mix.  Now we're married and have 4 kids.  It has been a long, crazy road to getting to where we are now.  A lot of the time we weren't happy with each other and we weren't happy without each other.  Sometimes the only thing that makes it work out is letting some time pass but staying in touch.