do you think this friend is being reasonable?

[Miss Spider]

Hello. So I have been doing self-evaluation. I think I have been using romantic relationships to get emotional intimacy and acceptance I have always longed for in friendship. 

I decided to try deepen some friendships I have lost.  I started with this one friend I had back last summer. I told him I am looking for friends. He replied:

“To get friends you need to be a friend, xxxxx.  You went ghost on me with no explanation twice and that's not very friendly or kind. If that's what you think I deserve that's not a very compelling offer.” 

I know that I did go ghost on him. I know I do this to my friends and I know it’s not conducive to building a bond with someone. So I apologized and said that I would like a second try.

 

He said call him. That is his “condition.”
I told him that I am busy at the moment. I am actually  in like at home goods right now.

 

[b]He wrote: 230pm.  230 - if we don't talk tomorrow we're probably not ever going to talk again[/b]

———

 

I wasn’t expecting him to be so harsh. However, I understand what I did was wrong. Would you tolerate this under the same circumstances? I don’t have many options for friends at the moment. Most of my friends are very superficial and this is actually someone I get along with on a good level. I don’t know. I just know I need real friends

 

thanks 

Edited October 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[La.Primavera]

This is not the type of friend that is going to have the patience to deal with the type of friendship you have to offer.  You will always let him down, whether it is intentional or not.  That sort of dynamic can become unhealthy very quickly.

I would suggest a fresh start with a new friend, preferably female

[Foxhall]

Yes his reaction is a guy reaction- us blokes prefer the straight talking lets get it out on the table, where as you girls prefer to avoid a real direct conversation and instead get the message across more indirectly,

so I think its ok to give you that ultimatum,

based on your information there, I suspect your issue is that you are only a good friend when it suits you,

if you have something more engaging going on in your own life, you tend to forget about other friends that might need you,

lol that might be a bit harsh, you sound like a nice person from your other posts,

but I suspect that may be contributing to your lack of closeness issues,

can you be a good friend for this guy or for others whenever you are caught up in a romantic relationship or have something better on? 

 

[Miss Spider]

YesYes

13 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

This is not the type of friend that is going to have the patience to deal with the type of friendship you have to offer.  You will always let him down, whether it is intentional or not.  That sort of dynamic can become unhealthy very quickly.

I would suggest a fresh start with a new friend, preferably female

 

3 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes his reaction is a guy reaction- us blokes prefer the straight talking lets get it out on the table, where as you girls prefer to avoid a real direct conversation and instead get the message across more indirectly,

so I think its ok to give you that ultimatum,

based on your information there, I suspect your issue is that you are only a good friend when it suits you,

if you have something more engaging going on in your own life, you tend to forget about other friends that might need you,

lol that might be a bit harsh, you sound like a nice person from your other posts,

but I suspect that may be contributing to your lack of closeness issues,

can you be a good friend for this guy or for others whenever you are caught up in a romantic relationship or have something better on? 

 

Yes. I have problems with that. My last BF took up all of my time and I had no time for myself at all including friends. But romantic relationships will not get in the way anymore because I will not be having any more of those. I know now they are not for me. 
 

La,  you are right though that maybe this is not the right place to start. This friend did try to kiss me last summer. I felt though if I could make it clear that we are just friends I would have a friend I can really connect with. I was thinking about calling tomorrow. But like you said, Foxhall, maybe I cannot be the type of friend this person needs because the ultimatum really put me off, even if that is just his way of showing he has boundaries with that. Thank you

[ShyViolet]

He sounds like he's really not sure that he wants to be friends with you again, after you were a bad friend to him in the past.  And that is within his rights.  I think maybe it's better to just start fresh and look for some new friends.

[Miss Spider]

Just to update. I spoke on the phone with this friend. I explained everything to him and asked for his friendship. We had a very interesting chat and afterwards he invited me a get some pho next Sunday. So we good. Yay. Thanks guys

[Mystery4u]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Just to update. I spoke on the phone with this friend. I explained everything to him and asked for his friendship. We had a very interesting chat and afterwards he invited me a get some pho next Sunday. So we good. Yay. Thanks guys

Didn't you say he tried to kiss you previously?

Assuming you are a woman this whole 'friendship' is a complete waste of time and effort for both of you.

[Miss Spider]

Yes, Mystery4u. He did. And I would agree with you that it is. Except for two things. We actually have a very strong common interest in an obscure subject that connects us. It’s not like we are just talking about random stuff. Also, I told him that there will be no dating for me. I just want friends. So in the end he knows the score, anyway. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Sorry that I keep calling you Mysterio. Marvel fan and there’s another person with that username on here, so it keeps slipping out 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you have any female friends? My friends have been there for me and I for them through everything.

I don't have male friends. The sexual tension always complicates it.

[Miss Spider]

I do. I had a lot of friends in a scene that I am trying to get out of, which leaves me with a only couple true friends. Trying to make new friends. 
 

One friend had been asking me to hang out for a very long time and I kept brushing her off because I was so overwhelmed with things. My next project is working on fixing that one. And then I still have another friend who is female. This is actually my only male friend. I don’t think there will be sexual tension at least on my end because I am not even slightly attracted to him. It is just hard to find people to like the subject like I like it

thank you, rubes 
 

 

[Miss Spider]

My friend likes me romantically. 

 

my friend told me today that he likes me romantically. He said that he has never experienced such an emotional and intellectual connection in this way. 
 

We talked for like two hours about this which I really wasn’t happy about because I wanted to talk about other things that I enjoy talking about with him. But the bottom line is that I told him I am not interested in anything romantic. I was very clear about that.
 

 

So he told me he was looking at it as a Vin diagram and trying to figure out where what we both want overlap. He said that he understands but he still wants to be my friend because he enjoys  the intellectual connection and “feminine energy. “ I said I can definitely provide that. He seemed relieved and we hugged. 
 

however, I still feel quite bad about continuing this friendship. I know that deep down he does want to sleep with me. And it’s weird. Anyway, between this and having to pick up my stuff from my ex-boyfriend’s place tomorrow, my life has been a whole lot of awkward lately

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

My friend likes me romantically.

my friend told me today that he likes me romantically. He said that he has never experienced such an emotional and intellectual connection in this way.

We talked for like two hours about this which I really wasn’t happy about because I wanted to talk about other things that I enjoy talking about with him. But the bottom line is that I told him I am not interested in anything romantic. I was very clear about that.

So he told me he was looking at it as a Vin diagram and trying to figure out where what we both want overlap. He said that he understands but he still wants to be my friend because he enjoys  the intellectual connection and “feminine energy. “ I said I can definitely provide that. He seemed relieved and we hugged.

however, I still feel quite bad about continuing this friendship. I know that deep down he does want to sleep with me. And it’s weird. Anyway, between this and having to pick up my stuff from my ex-boyfriend’s place tomorrow, my life has been a whole lot of awkward lately

Sounds like your guy friend isn't respecting you or giving you the space that you need right now, as you are literally going through a break-up. He's not even waiting for you to heal from this recent relationship, b/c he's ready to be your next boyfriend.

Since your instinct is to end your friendship with him, I'd follow that gut feelings if I were you. Gut feelings are always 100% correct. He needs to respect you. Maybe cutting him off socially from you and as your roommate, is just the enough space for him to learn his lesson: that you are not an object he can smother to get his needs met.

He is your roommate right now, correct? Time to ask him to move out, or time for you to find a new place. Because you two staying roommates will not solve this chemistry (for him, not for you) problem. How old is he? I'm just curious. He sounds very immature and self-centered.

[Miss Spider]

Thank you. Nope I am back living with my parents 

[Watercolors]

14 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Thank you. Nope I am back living with my parents 

Good to hear. Right move for you. Cut this guy off. He's literally thinking with the wrong head, as they say.

[d0nnivain]

You can't be just friends with a man who wants to date you.   You need to thank him for letting you know where he stands & then tell him that you can't be friends with him because it's not fair to him. 

He was also not wrong for being upset with you for ghosting not once but twice.  It's a fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. 

Do not ghost him again.  

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

21 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

My friend likes me romantically. 

 

 

So he told me he was looking at it as a Vin diagram and trying to figure out where what we both want overlap. He said that he understands but he still wants to be my friend because he enjoys  the intellectual connection and “feminine energy. “ I said I can definitely provide that. He seemed relieved and we hugged. 
 

however, I still feel quite bad about continuing this friendship. I know that deep down he does want to sleep with me.

 

C'mon, stop it.

 

His ONLY interest in your friendship is fully tied to the fact that he would rather be banging you.

 

And this pretend "friendship" keeps him nearer to what he wants most, than he would otherwise be.

 

 

[Pumaza]

Reading this....felt like begging.

You attrackt often people like you.

Maybe its time to make new female freinds.And dont make same mistake.

Self search why you ghost on people.Seek a therapist if you got issues on that.

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Pumaza said:

Reading this....felt like begging.

You attrackt often people like you.

Maybe its time to make new female freinds.And dont make same mistake.

Self search why you ghost on people.Seek a therapist if you got issues on that.

 It was because I just thought it was nicer/easier. But I don’t do it anymore. He was bringing  up  something I did awhile ago. I am done with this friend though. I don’t trust his motives. Been working on female friends, but open to anything