vla1120 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 I was not sure where to put this, Dating, Friends & Lovers, or here. I picked here. I have met two men on a dating site. I had strict rules this time. I wanted to start off emailing and texting, then talk on the phone before meeting, but I plan to take it very slow. I made that clear in my profile. If anyone sent me an inappropriate photo of his "parts", that was a hard no! (no pun intended.) The first man I met was very nice. We bantered back and forth easily and shared a lot of the same philosophies. Then, when he told me he had just been separated from his wife for a couple months, and told me the reason why (she nagged him - nothing serious that couldn't be handled with a bit of MC), I talked him into going back to his wife and working it out. (Talk about self-sabotage. 😂) The second man I met, I have been talking to for about a month, maybe more. He seems very nice. He wanted to drive out here to meet me (we're about 2.5 hours apart, that's not too far, but not close enough to see each other during the week at all.) We talked about meeting half way this weekend for coffee or lunch. He wanted to tell me a few things before we meet, so he called me last night. After he told me, things started to make sense. When he would email/text me, they would be these long, rambling messages with sporadic punctuation. That's one of my pet peeves, but I was trying to be tolerant because, since I want to just start out as friends and see where it leads, I shouldn't immediately shoot someone down because they have "clumsy thumbs", as he claimed. In reality, when he was in his teens, he lived in a bad part of NYC. He was attacked and beaten with a baseball bat and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI.) The extent of his injuries left him without the ability to easily learn to read and write. Plus, the injury was to the portion of the brain that controls memory. He has been in a neurological program for the past 25 years, trying different methods and new technologies to help him learn and retain what he has learned. They have set him up in his household with assistive technology (which is why his emails were good - his speech to text on his computer is more reliable, but speech/texting from his phone is erratic.) He is very sensitive to being told he has a "disability." He is not on any government assistance and has always worked. He had to retire from the fire company when they replaced their older systems with new technology and he had to carry around a device that he could not understand. Now, he does side work, carpentry, and is very talented and meticulous. He has sent me pictures of his work. He was convinced that as soon as he divulged this information, I would back out of meeting him. He was very surprised that I did not. He's intelligent, kind, caring, and his problems are not for his lack of trying. They are no fault of his own. I'm being very careful not to fall into the mindset that I have to "take care of him" or "save him." I've been guilty of this in the past (my last marriage, in fact.) I want to meet him and learn more about him. He has overcome great adversity in his life. Though he had this disability when his wife married him over 30 years ago (they've been divorced 5 years), he said she got impatient with him because he could not read or write and she got tired of helping him. I just thought, for posterity, I would post about this NOW, before I meet him, so that I can come back out here and read the feedback. I am not going to get myself into another situation where I marry a man to "help" him financially or for health benefits or anything else. I never intend to marry again. I just also don't want to find myself continuing a relationship because I feel empathy for someone. I have told him that, no matter what happens, we can always remain friends and have each other to text or email for some online companionship. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 @vla1120 Good luck with the meeting! Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 @vla1120 How did the meeting go? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Some thoughts: There are a lot of undesirables on dating sites. Find somebody as good or better than you and you'll have a lot less problems. You only need to find one good one. You are falling for it again - pity love. Hes has mental health issues. Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Some thoughts: There are a lot of undesirables on dating sites. Find somebody as good or better than you and you'll have a lot less problems. You only need to find one good one. You are falling for it again - pity love. Hes has mental health issues. Wow, the guy is disabled, so he is an "undesirable"!? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 If you are a saint, marry him and take care of him. Just remember, nurse and romantic partner are two different roles...very hard to do both. Most people can't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 On 10/23/2020 at 9:16 PM, vla1120 said: Though he had this disability when his wife married him over 30 years ago (they've been divorced 5 years), he said she got impatient with him because he could not read or write and she got tired of helping him. Did the injury occur when they were dating? Has he got worse over the years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author vla1120 Posted November 3, 2020 Author Share Posted November 3, 2020 (edited) On 10/31/2020 at 1:53 PM, elaine567 said: Did the injury occur when they were dating? Has he got worse over the years? His injury happened when he was in his teens. I did meet him last weekend and I was amazed at how independent he is and how much he has accomplished. I also got a lot of his story completely wrong. He grew up in York, PA, not NYC. He's been divorced from his first wife for about 17 years. They were only married about 15 years. He spent the last 17 years with a woman who he felt sorry for and he kept letting her come and live with him because she is bi-polar and is an alcoholic. He finally kicked her to the curb about 6 months ago. She is the one who (while living with him free of charge) refused to ever help him with anything. He told me some other unsavory things about her. She doesn't let go very easily and since it is a small community, she seems inclined to insert herself into his business all the time. That makes me a bit wary. I am not down for drama of any type. Period. For the past 25 years, he has volunteered for the fire department and the ambulance service. He is a certified EMT (and used necessary accomodations to pass any required tests.) He is very intelligent. He has converted his walkout basement into a workshop. He can make and/or repair literally anything at all. He also does some pretty impressive construction gigs on the side. He knows building codes. To meet him and talk to him, you would never know he has any type of disability. More importantly than all of that, his number one priority is family. He has two sons whom he adores. He asks me about my daughters every time he talks to me. So far, other than the 2.5 hour distance away, I haven't found anything I don't like about him. He is a registered republican, but he hates Trump. He is kind-hearted and gentle. My red flags are more related to his ex and whether she's going to let him go, or try to get back in his good graces. I have been honest with him. I'm not interested in competing with anyone and I definitely won't stand for any drama of any kind. So for now, we're friendly. He's going to come out and visit me in a few weeks. While I would enjoy the company of a nice man, someone to talk to, Netflix and chill with, I'm perfectly fine with being alone, as well. Edited November 3, 2020 by vla1120 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 He sounds like he has made lemonade out of the lemons like handed him. He could be a real sweetie. Only time will tell. You still need to rein in your emotions. Go SLOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vla1120 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 I saw him two more times after our first meeting. He was starting to move a little too fast, talking about me moving closer to him, or him moving closer to me. When I told him I wanted to take it VERY slow, he was honest with me and told me it really bothered him to say goodbye to me every time he saw me or we talked on the phone. He wanted to meet someone closer to him so that he could be with someone more often. We agreed to remain friends and text each other once or twice a week. I have no intention of moving too quickly in a relationship. I'm also in the process of buying a house and I'm not going to rearrange my life for anyone. All's well that ends well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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