migi Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Hi guys! I have two questions about a topic I was discussing with my friends. Why are some people not ok that their partner follows his/her ex on instagram? And what do you think if two people decide to be friends after break up? Is it ok for you or not? And why? Link to post Share on other sites
FirstClass Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) To answer your question as you posed it, "what do I think", without further details (like how long ago did they breakup, do they have children together or any other lifetime common interest, are there other signs like do they physically meet and if so how often and where, and I could probably think of more but for now....) my initial reaction is that I'd be cautious of it. Then again I'm cautious of everything until I know the details intimately. I can imagine situations where it is just fine. Like if they have kids together, it's good for the parents to "get along" for the benefit of the children. Or maybe they own a very successful company where they must get along to run the company. But if this is just a couple that was together at one time and now they aren't, yet they stay in touch with each other, then there is an attraction that causes them to remain in contact. In that case it will, and understandably so, cause many new prospective partner to alert on the information when they get it. Everyone draws the line in a different spot. On one end of the spectrum some people think, "hey as long as I'm not sleeping with him/her" everything else is ok, while on the other end of the spectrum others think even noticing another person, even if he/she is a stranger, is suspect. We are all the product of our experiences, and although we might agree that the two extremes I provide here have a lot of wrong in them, everything between is all about the people involved and the details of the situation. Again personally I like to make my partner feel comfortable and assure that she knows that my loyalty is with her and then I hope to receive the same in return. But thats just me. Edited October 24, 2020 by FirstClass spelling Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, migi said: Why are some people not ok that their partner follows his/her ex on instagram? And what do you think if two people decide to be friends after break up? Is it ok for you or not? And why? When 2 people break up IMO they need to be apart in all ways. Staying connected on social media offers a share intimacy that needs to end or at least be seriously diminished when the relationship ends. It's a slippery slope from likes to flirting to something more serious. Plus the dumpee was probably looking at the pictures with longing because they didn't want the break up. Voicing the white lie of lets be friends is fine as long as the true meaning is adhered to: they don't hate each other & there is no drama. Unless they share kids, deliberate keeping in touch is a big NO. Again, a break up requires separation. I'm "friends" with certain EXs in the sense that I can make small talk with them if I randomly bump into them in public. Once EX (from 30 years ago) who I have to deal with professionally once in a while lost his father recently. The dad was a big deal; his death was front page news. I couldn't have missed it if I tried. Because I am in the middle of a work project with the EX I sent a condolence card to the family that I signed from me & my husband with my husband's knowledge. Had we not been working together, I probably would have just said a prayer Edited October 24, 2020 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Author migi Posted October 24, 2020 Author Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) Actually for me is totally ok if they have a child or a company as you mentioned, but I don't see any reason why a partner should follow his/her ex, when there is nothing except the past that connects them. Like do you keep him/her to see her pictures or post or whatever he/she is doing? You speng a part of your life together, you respect the person and the time spent together, but you don't have to keep in touch. If you see the person suddenly on the street or public places, a greeting is fine, but why following each other on instagram or being friends. Actually I raised this topic because my friends were thinking that it would be fine if their partner would have his/her ex and it was nothing. And I was feeling like it might not be a big deal, but I was being insecure for not being ok with that. Edited October 24, 2020 by migi Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 I've stayed friends with several exes of mine, but in hindsight I was never truly friends with any of my exes, it's a more accurate statement to say that we simply stayed on good terms and we would talk occasionally, just catching up to see how one another is doing and have a brief, amicable conversation. And inevitably, in each case, those conversations would become less and less frequent as time went on. To stay TRULY friends with an ex, to me, seems kind of weird and unusual. Although I am sure there are people who do it and there's nothing necessarily wrong with it. And as far as continuing to follow an ex on instagram, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I follow several of my exes on instagram, that doesn't mean that I even talk to them at all, I am just curious to see what's going on in their life. And any partner who gets all bent out of shape just because their partner follows an ex on instagram is being ridiculous and controlling. Unless they have other reason to believe that there is actually something going on between them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author migi Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 7 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I've stayed friends with several exes of mine, but in hindsight I was never truly friends with any of my exes, it's a more accurate statement to say that we simply stayed on good terms and we would talk occasionally, just catching up to see how one another is doing and have a brief, amicable conversation. And inevitably, in each case, those conversations would become less and less frequent as time went on. To stay TRULY friends with an ex, to me, seems kind of weird and unusual. Although I am sure there are people who do it and there's nothing necessarily wrong with it. And as far as continuing to follow an ex on instagram, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I follow several of my exes on instagram, that doesn't mean that I even talk to them at all, I am just curious to see what's going on in their life. And any partner who gets all bent out of shape just because their partner follows an ex on instagram is being ridiculous and controlling. Unless they have other reason to believe that there is actually something going on between them. That is the point. Why do you have to be curious to see what is going on in their life. It means you are interested though Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 2 hours ago, migi said: That is the point. Why do you have to be curious to see what is going on in their life. It means you are interested though No, it doesn't mean you are interested. That is ridiculous. Just because I am no longer in a relationship with a person doesn't mean I hate them and never want to hear about them again or know how they are doing. Many breakups are amicable and the two people can be mature adults and stay in touch. Not be close friends, but just be acquaintances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author migi Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: No, it doesn't mean you are interested. That is ridiculous. Just because I am no longer in a relationship with a person doesn't mean I hate them and never want to hear about them again or know how they are doing. Many breakups are amicable and the two people can be mature adults and stay in touch. Not be close friends, but just be acquaintances. You can't be acquaintances with someone who was an important part of your life, whom you spent most of the time with, whom you know to well Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 People are usually not ok with their partners staying in touch with their exes because they make the assumption that there are still feelings involved. Which is often true, but I stress: not always. As others have said, they may decide to stay amicable/friendly if there are kids or a successful business involved. But then there's the whole idea that that it is painful enough to completely cut out someone who was a significant part of your life. Some would prefer not to do that, even if the romantic relationship itself was problematic or "dead". To me, someone staying in touch with an ex would suggest "caution", but for some that's enough to turn them off completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) On 10/26/2020 at 1:46 AM, migi said: You can't be acquaintances with someone who was an important part of your life, whom you spent most of the time with, whom you know to well I was the best man at one of my ex girlfriends weddings? You'd be surprised what you can do when the people involved can seperate the "relationship" from the "people". My ex and I were poorly suited. Once we figured that out, that's all there was to it. "But wasn't it painful standing there, seeing her get married!?" Here's the bit that gets me about people claiming to "love" people. I wanted my ex to be happy. I wanted her to find a great partner and have a great life. We didn't hate one another, just because the relationship didn't work out. Why should I hate her? She didn't screw me over. She wasn't cruel or unkind. We just didn't work out? People often ask me "Don't you ever regret your breakups?". No, no I don't. Because when I breakup, I'm absolutely sure it's the right thing to do. So I never feel the need to "revisit" any of my previous relationships and neither to my ex's. I respect it's not for everyone, but suggest it's not possible simply isn't true. Edited October 27, 2020 by neowulf 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) On 10/26/2020 at 2:46 AM, migi said: You can't be acquaintances with someone who was an important part of your life, whom you spent most of the time with, whom you know to well What if their ex is part of their social group? This ex may be at social events, but there is no social media interaction and no close contact. That's my daughter's situation. She has taken to telling potential dates of the situation upfront because she doesn't want to date someone who would have her avoid attending group social events with her dearest girlfriends. Edited October 27, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 On 10/25/2020 at 6:46 PM, migi said: You can't be acquaintances with someone who was an important part of your life, whom you spent most of the time with, whom you know to well It seems you're taking something that's true about you and applying it to all of humanity. Believe it or not, it's actually possible to do that. It comes down to the way an individual is wired. Perhaps you're not wired to transition to friendship or to being acquaintances once a relationship ends, and that's fine. Just make a point of dating people who are similar to you. I have dated a good number of guys over the years and am still connected with one on social media. All the other guys, I unfriended or unfollowed or blocked because, once the relationships ended, there was no friendship to speak of or one of us still had feelings and wouldn't otherwise have been able to move on. The one ex-boyfriend I remain connected with on social media was not just my boyfriend when we were together. He was also a true friend. And when our relationship ended (amicably), the friendship remained. So it was natural to remain connected on social media. Periodically, I'll see something he has posted on my feed. I may acknowledge it or write a comment. I don't go out of my way to see what he's doing online. Now he's just one of the many friends I'm connected with. He's in a relationship with a wonderful woman, and they love each other. And I'm happy for them. I'm actually friends with her too. I would have to laugh if someone suggested that I was secretly pining for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 Remaining friends and/or following an ex on social media can cause problems, but it's not guaranteed to. If both people are mature about things and want to remain friends, so what? I am still friends with a couple of ex-girlfriends. We follow each other on social media and like/comment on each other's posts. My current girlfriend knows the deal and she herself is still friends with one of her most recent ex's. I wish no ill-will towards any of my ex-gfs. I wish them all the best and while I acknowlege there was some pain when the relationships ended, ultimately we were not suited for one another and each of us are better off now. I know that one of my exes has moved on and I wish her all the best. When I became "Facebook official" with my girlfriend, that particular ex liked the post. It's only an issue if either person allows it to becomes an issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 On 10/25/2020 at 11:46 AM, migi said: You can't be acquaintances with someone who was an important part of your life, whom you spent most of the time with, whom you know to well Then delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. You will be doing yourself a huge favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 I would have no problem with my boyfriend being friends on social media with the mother of his children. I would not appreciate if he was friends with every women he had a short relationship with. My ex-h and I were friends on FB and I was friend with his wife as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 in few cases,maybe.like if you both been true alot toghater and heavy stuff. but, sure when you get a new boyfreind, that should have most attention. and not be all the time busy with ex. there need to be a clear line and no secret for your new partner. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 (edited) On 10/23/2020 at 7:15 PM, migi said: Hi guys! I have two questions about a topic I was discussing with my friends. Why are some people not ok that their partner follows his/her ex on instagram? And what do you think if two people decide to be friends after break up? Is it ok for you or not? And why? Some people are not Ok with it as it may not be just friendship, especially on one person's part. There is also jealousy...a very old and powerful emotion. Personally I am OK with such things in most contexts and situations. I think it is great if two people can be friends after a breakup...but it is very, very, very hard to do. It rarely works, especially immediate post-break-up. It tends to works best when both people have moved on to other relationships. It also depends greatly on the why of the break-up. The big caveat in all of this is that it needs to be truly just friends, truly platonic...if there is some smoldering interest (even on just one persons' part) it can easily be not OK because basically there is an emotional affair going on with the ex. Edited November 2, 2020 by SumGuy Link to post Share on other sites
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