Mia12 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 My life is a mess right now my marriage is a disaster. I should have left years ago we have been married 13yrs. No excuse for my behavior but I have always been so against cheating and never done anything. But a few months ago a guy I really cared about in my early 20's reached out to me it had been 16yrs. I married right after him. I didn't write him back for a day or so because wasnt sure I wanted to. So I did we had innocent convos with some flirting mainly from him. Then old memories would be brought up and reminisce about them. It seemed to start getting deeper and deeper. He lives really far away now so he would talk about me visiting one day, and he had always cared for me etc. Then we got in to some more sexual type talks definitely inappropriate. We sent pictures he complimented me so much and it made me feel like I hadn't in a really long time like something that died was brought back to life.Then all the sudden he feels crappy because I'm married so he pulls back. We don't talk then start again for a while this time it was a little more deep and even started talking on the phone. All the feelings I always had came flooding back. One night I called him while my husband went to the store and he once again said we needed to step back that made him feel awful. So a wk or so later we spoke again kinda more as friends but it always leads to flirting etc. He told me all the time leave your husband and we will talk, come and see me if you seperate. So once again he said maybe we shouldn't be talking because your life seems really hard right now without throwing me in. I always just figured he was full of crap but I think this got deeper than we both expected. We haven't talked in 2wks now and I feel so upset I miss him and of course waiting for him to reach out. I even feel bad about myself that I wasn't the one calling it off. Then I get mad and want to blame my husband for me even going there he has done so much. Hopefully it will continue to get easier it only lasted 2 months but because of the history just felt so different.
salparadise Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 3 hours ago, Mia12 said: Then I get mad and want to blame my husband... Oh, such an excellent strategy. I'm sure the ex-bf must be thinking how lucky he is to not be that guy. 5
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Affairs don't fix bad marriages. Divorce does. 4
Harry Korsnes Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Would you like it if your h had an affair? 1
Author Mia12 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) Judge all you want my husband is a addict, hasn't paid our house payment for a year, pays me no attention etc and I have stood through everything with him for 16yrs. I have never done anything remotely like this and he has been dishonest since day 1. Yes I choose all of this but it's easier said than done to walk away. He's lucky it's took me 16yrs to want to leave him. So would I like if he cheated maybe not but he basically has with picking all his vices over me for years. Edited October 24, 2020 by Mia12
FMW Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 I understand it's hard to make the decision to end a long marriage. I ended mine after 23 years. Crazy enough, I had considered staying in my marriage even though my husband had been unfaithful for years. What woke me up was when I developed feelings for someone else and realized I was still capable of those feelings. I wanted to really live again and not feel like I was stuck in the shadows or under a dark cloud. Divorce can be difficult, no doubt, and the life transition is unsettling. But I've never once regretted it and I really enjoy life now. Your husband's actions (and inactions) don't make it ok for you to have an affair. Decide whether or not your marriage can be saved and either work on it or end it. No man worth having - including this former boyfriend - is going to want to be involved with you unless you are legitimately available. 2
schlumpy Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 Mia, you need an ally. Someone that is on your side. Your solution is to divorce but I'm sure you have a good reason for hanging on. Perhaps religious, not wanting to be the bad guy, afraid of what friends family will think, mom and dad were divorced, etc. There's lots of reasons to stay and be miserable. At least miserable is familiar while divorce is an unknown. Find a counselor with the objective of getting you to a point where you can divorce. Someone that can find that person that was you 16 years ago and help you correct the mistake you have made. Tell the counselor right-up-front you want to divorce but cannot get over the emotional wall. Don't consider them if they want you to save your marriage. That's not what you want. Do this for yourself and not for a long, lost love that would have wounded your integrity by creating an exit affair. Divorce is emotionally challenging but you won't be held up for ridicule and derision as you would be for stepping out. Sorry you are suffering.
Author Mia12 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 Yes I don't want to be the person who would do what I have done. I wasn't looking for it at all I guess old feelings with this person just came back. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. This may sound bad but it did make me realize I just really don't care anymore. I didn't want to stop talking to this person because they made me feel desired and wanted again. My husband is not mean to me he just acts like nothing he is oblivious and would be shocked if I wanted out.
Zona Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) Quote I have never cheated on anyone in my life Well, you have now. If you want to divorce, then divorce. If you want to stay married, go strict NC with your AP. Escalating the affair will make things infinitely worse. Your husband being a disaster is a reason to divorce him, not to become and adulteress. The chance that your ex is being completely honest about his relationship status is close to zero. Edited October 24, 2020 by Zona 3
mark clemson Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 I don't advise people to divorce, but I think it's just stating a fact to say that not all marriages should be saved, either. It's good that old friend has pulled away, this gives you a chance to assess your marriage on it's own merits. Let it stand or fall on those. Despite the emotions involved, IMO it's not actually likely you're going to move out of state or whatever to be with this guy or that he'll do that for you. More likely I think to fizzle out or continue as a LD thing (which for me at least would not be satisfactory). IF you choose to divorce you will have the option to look for available men if you want that. Things are not so easy for women past 30 in the dating pool, but being the caretaker of a drug addict for a big chunk of one's life isn't for everyone. Be aware that many people quite reasonably prefer to avoid "ex-drama", so you probably would not want to have your ex-husband be an "orbiter" should you divorce.
pepperbird2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 OP, In your shoes, I would begin seeing a counsellor or someone else you can trust. I'd do this before you make any decisions, and I wouldn't engage in contact with this other guy. Get yourself to a place where you feel mentally strong first. It sounds like you're really vulnerable right now.
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Mia12 said: my husband is a addict, hasn't paid our house payment for a year, pays me no attention etc Talk to a good divorce attorney asap. 3
Harry Korsnes Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 So your marriage is not what you want but what is it that you want?
Author Mia12 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 What I want is more. A partner, a friend, someone who I can confide in and not have to try and change or take care of. Because of course that never works anyway. I'm haven't spoken to the other guy in 2wks now and I don't plan to get in touch with him. I do need to go to therapy and I realize that. We tried even marriage counseling months ago and she thought a lot of our problems was his addictions so she said he needed rehab. He wouldn't so we never went back. Only difference at that point is I still had romantic feelings now I feel like I don't. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 16 hours ago, Mia12 said: No excuse for my behavior but So there is an excuse. (Dr Phil is famous for saying any time you say "but" it means "ignore what I just said and I'll tell you how I really feel.") All relationships experience temptation and it doesn't mean we have to/get to act on them. Stop all contact with this man and work on your marriage (and insist on rehab for your husband), or leave it entirely. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Mia12 said: Y they made me feel desired and wanted again This is why all affairs happen. Understandable because we humans have egos.
Watercolors Posted October 24, 2020 Posted October 24, 2020 10 minutes ago, Mia12 said: What I want is more. A partner, a friend, someone who I can confide in and not have to try and change or take care of. Because of course that never works anyway. I'm haven't spoken to the other guy in 2wks now and I don't plan to get in touch with him. I do need to go to therapy and I realize that. We tried even marriage counseling months ago and she thought a lot of our problems was his addictions so she said he needed rehab. He wouldn't so we never went back. Only difference at that point is I still had romantic feelings now I feel like I don't. I would go ahead with the divorce. You already tried marriage counseling and your husbsand's addiction was brought up to him by the marriage counselor, with rehab as the solution which he refused to do. And you enabled him to continue his addictions despite professional advice that rehab is the best place for him. Why? Why stand by an addict and enable him? You pay the home's mortgage and the home's utilities since he won't (or can't). So, you don't need to stay with your husband for financial security. And your husband hasn't been a partner, a friend, or someone you can confide to for 16 years. Instead, you've taken on the parental role in your marriage and it's burnt you out. Your brief EA with your past love was your attempt to get your husband's attention and for you to receive temporary validation from an old love that you are worthy of real love. But your husband is oblivious to your needs b/c he's in full blown addiction mode. You need to save yourself. And the only way to do that, is to divorce your husband. Staying with him, is like tying your leg to an anchor, then throwing yourself overboard to drown. To breathe again, you need to cut your husband loose. You need to get your life back. You can't do that as long as you stay in this seemingly codependent dynamic married to an addict. 1
Uruktopi Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 16 hours ago, salparadise said: Oh, such an excellent strategy. I'm sure the ex-bf must be thinking how lucky he is to not be that guy. Bravo!
Uruktopi Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Affairs don't fix bad marriages. Divorce does. Right
notbroken Posted October 26, 2020 Posted October 26, 2020 None of that is an 'excuse' to cheat. Sorry. It won't help your situation at all. They are however great reasons to divorce. Just divorce your husband. The sooner the better. Then you can be free to see your old boyfriend (assuming he's not married) or anyone else you want. Don't lower yourself to cheating. 2 wrongs (or 10) don't make a right. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 On 10/23/2020 at 10:52 PM, Mia12 said: My life is a mess right now my marriage is a disaster. I should have left years ago we have been married 13yrs. No excuse for my behavior but I have always been so against cheating and never done anything. But a few months ago a guy I really cared about in my early 20's reached out to me it had been 16yrs. I married right after him. I didn't write him back for a day or so because wasnt sure I wanted to. So I did we had innocent convos with some flirting mainly from him. Then old memories would be brought up and reminisce about them. It seemed to start getting deeper and deeper. He lives really far away now so he would talk about me visiting one day, and he had always cared for me etc. Then we got in to some more sexual type talks definitely inappropriate. We sent pictures he complimented me so much and it made me feel like I hadn't in a really long time like something that died was brought back to life.Then all the sudden he feels crappy because I'm married so he pulls back. We don't talk then start again for a while this time it was a little more deep and even started talking on the phone. All the feelings I always had came flooding back. One night I called him while my husband went to the store and he once again said we needed to step back that made him feel awful. So a wk or so later we spoke again kinda more as friends but it always leads to flirting etc. He told me all the time leave your husband and we will talk, come and see me if you seperate. So once again he said maybe we shouldn't be talking because your life seems really hard right now without throwing me in. I always just figured he was full of crap but I think this got deeper than we both expected. We haven't talked in 2wks now and I feel so upset I miss him and of course waiting for him to reach out. I even feel bad about myself that I wasn't the one calling it off. Then I get mad and want to blame my husband for me even going there he has done so much. Hopefully it will continue to get easier it only lasted 2 months but because of the history just felt so different. I think it is most important for YOU to simply recognize and understand how you got there/here. (as anyone would), You enjoyed quickly (and automatically) returning to your comfort... where you could place your own vulnerability out in front of you and feel confident in it NOT being walked all over by someone. Communication dissolved in your marriage perhaps years ago (partially your fault, for sure, but POSSibly mostly the fault of your husband)... and this sudden rekindling of memories of a time you felt so comfortable and willing to be vulnerable without fear of having your feelings trampled... was quite overwhelming by contrast. This old boyfriend is m-m-m-m-mostly doing the right thing in resisting you now. It's easier for him, perhaps, because he's not returning all of the way from the depths of your marital despair to the cozy place with the same shared and trusted vulnerability. Logic says that you make it your priority to first address the source of your despair, and NOT try to sooth it with some temporary salve. Recognize that the old boyfriend as an individual isn't necessarily the saint that he might seem like at this moment... he's only relatively comforting at present because of the hole you've dug for your emotional self in 2020. So stop distracting yourself with the old boyfriend and do whatever you need to do to address your marriage.
usa1ah Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 On 10/24/2020 at 10:30 AM, Mia12 said: Judge all you want my husband is a addict, hasn't paid our house payment for a year, pays me no attention etc and I have stood through everything with him for 16yrs. I have never done anything remotely like this and he has been dishonest since day 1. Yes I choose all of this but it's easier said than done to walk away. He's lucky it's took me 16yrs to want to leave him. So would I like if he cheated maybe not but he basically has with picking all his vices over me for years. Then divorce your husband. Don’t lower yourself cheating on him. I am not going to seat here singing your husband’s praises. If he is a POS then divorce him and go see your ex boyfriend. Not one deserves to be cheated on. 2
SRCSRC Posted November 21, 2020 Posted November 21, 2020 Before you do cheat, you should end the marriage. Being an addict and evidently unable or unwilling to provide financial contribution to the marriage, coupled with your loss of desire justifies a divorce. But staying, having an affair, and living with someone you don't want to be with would be a horrible path to go down. It's up to you to tell your husband you want out unless he cleans up his act. If it is too late for that, you have your answer. Leave.
Author Mia12 Posted November 21, 2020 Author Posted November 21, 2020 4 hours ago, SRCSRC said: Before you do cheat, you should end the marriage. Being an addict and evidently unable or unwilling to provide financial contribution to the marriage, coupled with your loss of desire justifies a divorce. But staying, having an affair, and living with someone you don't want to be with would be a horrible path to go down. It's up to you to tell your husband you want out unless he cleans up his act. If it is too late for that, you have your answer. Leave. You are right. My emotional affair ended about 6wks ago no contact. I know what I need and want to do. I have such a hard time ever thinking about actually doing it. Right now the holidays hold me back because of my son. I feel my husband would be shocked.
SRCSRC Posted November 21, 2020 Posted November 21, 2020 I would like to add this caveat. If you do decide to end the marriage, make sure in your mind it is because you want out and you see no way of resurrecting it. Do not leave because of your infatuation with someone else. Infatuations have a way of disappearing once reality sinks in. You should be in IC right now going over your options before you make such a life changing decision. Good luck to you and your family in whatever you decide.
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