Husband Cheated Lied and Left me for a young Girl

[MaraMay]

Hello,

I'd be glad to here your opinion or advice on my story:

My husband and I have known each other for 15 years. We were friends at school. He’s been in love with me since he was 16 years old. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact as the years passed by. By coincidence, we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married. After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year. This was his idea).

The last couple of months were tough with the lockdown. Our company had to shut down for two months, his sister getting married and the whole family getting crazy about this special event. We fought a lot. He was never home. Always working or helping his sister planning her special day. He didn’t have any time for his child or me. I ranted a lot, and I mean a lot. At the beginning of September, the wedding had finally taken place. I’m a photographer and took the pictures, and we were off for a two week holiday. He was in a good mood, making plans for the following days. We were planning to visit the zoo when he gave me his mobile phone to look for the opening hours. Don’t ask me why, but instead of looking for those hours, I looked at his text messages. What I saw was a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as I’ve never been kissed before. I couldn’t breathe. I threw the phone at him and ran away.

When I came home, he told me she was one of his driver’s students. You have to know we live in a different country, where you have a driving school, with a driving instructor who shows you how to drive a car in about 2-6 months. She’s seventeen. He is thirty. They have seen each other privately for the last few weeks, and he’s in love with her, but she’s not the reason he’s leaving me. He told me he’s been thinking about leaving me for about nine months because I make his life living hell. I was speechless. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would cheat on me. I tried to reason with him. I asked him what have I done to make him feel like I made his life a living hell. He didn’t have answers for me. He just wanted out. After a lot of talking, that didn’t help me figure this out at all. We decided on a three-week break because he didn’t know what he wanted. We decided on marriage counseling. The summary of these three weeks is: He canceled the marriage counseling, and I went on my own. He didn’t feel “ready.”

I kept on working in his office. He kept on playing hot and cold with me. He kept on telling me that his feelings for me seemed to vanish from day to day, and his feelings for her grew. On the last day of those three weeks, we sat in the office drinking coffee, and I asked him if he’d seen her since. What he told me made me dizzy. He had continued to meet her during those three weeks frequently, and he had sex with her the night before in our office, where he has slept since he moved out. I got up and started to pack everything that belonged to me from the office. First, he was furious, then he left me to my things and came back two hours later. When he saw me packing our son’s playthings, he started to cry. I went to him, trying to talk to him. He told me it was all too much for him.

I told him that I could understand what he was doing. That he felt free with her. No responsibility for his wife and child. No problems. I mean, she is seventeen. She probably adores him, makes him feel special. While I only tell him what we have to do next to keep our business running, listen to his every word. Afterward, he didn’t say anything. I got up and tried to leave the office. He followed me and held me back. What followed was him begging me to have sex with him one last time. He said things like, of course, I miss you, I don’t want to admit it to myself, and I love you, but not as much as in the beginning. Let’s have sex, and then we’ll see where this leaves us. We didn’t. I left.

So, where does this leave us? I withdraw myself. Otherwise, we always start to fight. We only see each other when he’s picking up his son. He continually wants to know what I’m doing while he is having our son. He asks me if there’s someone new in my life, and whenever he has the chance, he tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore and how happy he is with Kathrina.

I found out that this girl has been in his family’s home weeks before his sister’s wedding. I found out that my husband badmouthed me to his mother the whole time while meeting the other girl. I found out that he wanted to wait until after the wedding to end things with me because I’m a photographer and was booked to take the pictures at the wedding.

I got a lawyer. He got a lawyer. Everything is running its course.

The counselor called him one day and asked if he was willing to meet him. He agreed. He talked to him for two hours, and they decided on a second meeting with me joining in. That meeting was my absolute highlight. It went on for four hours! My husband told me five times that he was done with me and our relationship and that he was looking forward to us being best friends after our divorce. He finally had the courage to tell me all the reasons why he didn’t want me anymore, always adding that Kathrina wasn’t the reason.

These are the reasons why I’m making his life living hell:
I’m too dominant concerning his business.
I’m calling my parents once a day to ask how they are.
I’m a daddy’s girl.
I can’t admit mistakes.
I rant too much.
I’m thinking too economical, always saving money instead of spending it.
That’s about it.

He didn’t want another meeting. The counselor asked him four times, he declined. Our counselor allowed us to come back for a personality test to see our differences. We agreed. I think our counselor just offered this because he feels that my husband’s points are not a reason to end a marriage, that we could work on that, and he wants us to come back for a second meeting. I don’t know where this leaves us. I’m torn between, is this for real? That’s it? I mean, sure, I’m far from perfect, but these are things that I can work on. I would have worked on if he would have said something, but he never did, not a single word!

He always seemed happy. He never fought with me. We had a good life.

And me? I don’t know what is going on. How can someone be this disinterested and cruel to his wife and family from one day to another? What does he want with an underaged girl, still going to school, and 13 years younger than him? Does he not love me anymore? Then why is he continually wanting to know what I’m doing? He explains his interest is in him caring for his son.

I don’t understand a single thing that he’s doing. I should hate him for everything he’s done to me those last few weeks and to our son. I should hate him for him and his family badmouthing me before the wedding and not telling me what was going on, just so I photographed the wedding, and everything seemed perfectly fine. But on the other hand, I want my husband back. Not this cheating, cruel man always trying to hurt me and seems to get a fill of it when he sees me crying for him. I want my husband, that has loved me for the last 14 years, never said a bad word to me.

So, that’s about it. I’d be so glad if someone would be willing to give me their opinion.

Thanks for reading.

[SayGoodbye]

I can’t answer why your husband is acting this way. I just wanted to say I am sorry. I could really relate to many things you said. My husband of 20 years just moved out this week and has been having an affair with a colleague that is 23 years younger.  Not that it was a huge surprise. The age of the girl (barely nine years older than our twin sons) was a surprise , but the cheating was not. My husband has been a chronic cheater. He had an on-again-off-again affair with another colleague that lasted about 9 years. (Yes, I know I’m an idiot!) My only piece of advice would be this : even if your husband comes around and wants to reunite with you , don’t !  I’m not saying you can never reunite with him . But you need to send a very clear message that this is not okay and that you won’t tolerate it . To send that message you will have to separate and let him work on himself.  My biggest regret is that I didn’t do this the first time. I loved him, forgave him, and couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it is very hard to rebuild trust - ever . And by allowing him to just come back when/ if he’s ready, he will not hear you when you say cheating is not okay, because by taking him back immediately, your behavior says it is okay and that you will tolerate it . If that makes sense. Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MaraMay said:

we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married. After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year.

I got a lawyer. He got a lawyer.

Very sorry to hear this. Good you got an attorney. Stop the marriage counselling. Do not accept his laundry list of insults and toxic blame for his affair. Classic cheater slime maneuver.

It's good you found out early on what kind of a sick pup he is.  What kind of 30/y/o driving instructor chases a 17 y/o teenage student?  When your son was born, she was still playing with dolls. He thinks this is "love"? Almost predatory.

In addition to a good attorney get an individual therapist to guide you through the divorce and his mind-bending behavior, choices and accusations. Tell all your trusted friends and family what is going on. Apply for child support and only supervised visitation, clearly he's lost all sound judgement.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, MaraMay said:

How can someone be this disinterested and cruel to his wife and family from one day to another?

Because you've exposed the bad in him by catching him cheating.  He can't deal with the guilt and being exposed so he turns the hatred of himself and what he's done outward, to you.

Is 17 legal age in your country?

[schlumpy]

You stated very clearly you want to reconcile.

Do not waste your time and money on marriage counseling. It is useless if your SO is still with the affair partner.

You have filed for divorce or only legal separation?

Your only option for reconciliation is to go no contact. The only time you talk is when it about the the child or the direction of the marriage. Don't let him in the house and make him pick up the kids from a neutral location.

Don't pretend to be a family when he's throwing it away and forget the best friends nonsense. 

Once he's eaten enough cake maybe he will try to slither back.

I don't know if you will ever be able to trust him or his family again. 

[Ruby Slippers]

He sounds like a slimeball. Hopefully you get a good divorce settlement. He'll be on the hook for many years of child support and alimony. 

[MaraMay]

12 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Because you've exposed the bad in him by catching him cheating.  He can't deal with the guilt and being exposed so he turns the hatred of himself and what he's done outward, to you.

Is 17 legal age in your country?

Thanks for your opinion. I agree with you. It's just that sometimes I forget, what kind of person he has turned into. 

Legal age in our country is 18. But with 17 you are allowed to be in a relationship with an adult if your parents agree. And her parents are okay with it, as long as her grades at school are good. Don't ask me, what kind of bulls*** this is. 

[MaraMay]

12 hours ago, schlumpy said:

You stated very clearly you want to reconcile.

Do not waste your time and money on marriage counseling. It is useless if your SO is still with the affair partner.

You have filed for divorce or only legal separation?

Your only option for reconciliation is to go no contact. The only time you talk is when it about the the child or the direction of the marriage. Don't let him in the house and make him pick up the kids from a neutral location.

Don't pretend to be a family when he's throwing it away and forget the best friends nonsense. 

Once he's eaten enough cake maybe he will try to slither back.

I don't know if you will ever be able to trust him or his family again. 

Right now it's only legal separation... we have to be separated for another 8 months before I can fill for divorce. (That's the law in our country).

He's trying to pretend we're a family which makes it that much harder. I told him again and again I only want to hear from him, if it's about our child. But still every single time he sees me, he wants to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, whom I'm seeing, if I'm dating... it's driving me crazy.

His family doesn't mean a thing to me after everything and I sure don't want to trust them again or reconcile.
My husband on the other hand. I'm not ready yet. I often see him as the man he was before and forget, that he isn't anymore. I hope time will heal those wounds and I can find my way without waiting for him join.

[schlumpy]

I apologize. I was working off your last statement where you claimed to want your old husband back. 

If your choice is divorce then of course distance is your only solution.

Can you get a restraining order against him to keep him away?

Make sure you send the right messages to him. Words are not going to do it.

Anything that is associated with him should be out of the house. Tell him he has a limited amount of time to pick it up or it's headed for the landfill.

Still wearing your wedding band? You are sending him the wrong signal. Take it off. If he wants it back take a hammer to it first.

Take down all the family pictures. For them to be up tells him you still want him back. Anything you can think of that ties you to him or hints that he can talk his way back in needs to banished or destroyed with the exception of the child but that contact can also be minimized.

You have to move towards divorce with not only words but with actions.

In my opinion, the reason he's chatting you up is he wants to fix you in place. He want's you to stay in limbo.

The chance that he will try to come back after the affair fog lifts or she gets tired of him, in my opinion, is fairly high. He wants that soft landing.

It's amazing disrespect towards you. How else can you read it?

As a man, I get the attraction of a younger women. On the girls side, I imagine it's quite heady to suddenly step into an adult world and taste the freedoms without the responsibilities. I don't think it can last unless there is cultural loophole that I am missing.

I admire your strength of will but it would help to have friends and family to support you. There will be times when the anger will not be enough to sustain you. See your counselor when you are at low points in the grieving process.

Think about the future possibilities and consider your husband the past. Start putting some real distance and roadblocks between the two very different places to be.

 

All the best to you.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

 Tell him he has a limited amount of time to pick it up or it's headed for the landfill.

 This is illegal until the formal legal separation and divorce. 

You have a good attorney. Get your advice about how to severe assets and dissolve the marriage from your lawyer. 

Don't do anything rash, emotional or out of anger. Follow the law and get yourself square that way.

Throwing a partner's stuff on the street is for the Jerry Springer show. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

When he asks you personal Qs about your life, how you are doing, are you dating etc, the correct response is something like this

You are no longer entitled to know any of that.  When you were my husband I gladly would have told you everything.  You have forfeited the right to know by cheating & saying I make your life hell.  Now stop asking about things that aren't your business.  If you truly want to know, cancel the divorce & lets go back to MC.  Otherwise stop asking. 

Then change the subject back to the kids.  

[MaraMay]

@schlumpy: Not wearing a wedding band. No pictures hanging on the wall. And I'm moving on divorce as my lawyer has sent the first letter. Thank you for your help!

@Wiseman2: He already has all of his belongings, so no throwing of anything. No worries.

@d0nnivain: I love your response. I'm going to keep that in mind. Unfortunately we had a major fight again... that I tried to conciliate. But it didn't work.

I had to pick up our son from him and ask him to just give me our son and his things and I'm off.
He was super angry accusing me of stealing his DVDs?!? and other things. I told him to just write me a list and we could talk about everything another time.
He found out that I wanted to stop marriage counseling and went mad. He told me that people/friends/neighbors have addressed him and asked what was going on with ME?!? cause I dress like a whore?!?

I'm speechless again. First of all I don't dress like a whore. I lost a lot of weight due to our breakup and I'm back in shape.. wearing the clothes I wore before I got pregnant. So nothing bad about that. Just normal clothes he also liked on me before I gained all that weight.

He's jealous cause I don't tell him where I'm going or with who anymore. He accuses me of having a lover.
And to top it all the rumors about him and his teenage girlfriend have spread, even though he's telling everyone that she's 21. Laughing out load here.
 

[schlumpy]

You are right. He feels you slipping away. He knows his affair is not going to last Mara and he's counting on your being there as plan B.

He's on the tightrope and you've taken down the the net.

[LynneVicious]

Ugh how awful for you. Hugs and positive energy coming your way!

Honestly, it signed like you’re doing everything g right. Right now, the husband you know his gone. There’s no point in trying to reason with him, and quite frankly, his actions are disgusting. He’s trying to assuage his guilt by projection the cheating onto you and asking how you’re doing. 
 

Move forward with the divorce. Keep conversations only to your son and financials. Do not entertain any personal questions or ask him anything about his life or tell him about yours. 
 

I think you said you want to reconcile, but honestly.. why?? He’s having a blatant affair with a child while blaming you. He shows no remorse while still trying to control aspects of your life. Does he have any mental illness? Because there is 0% chance at reconciliation right now. And why would you want to anyway? It sounds like he has a vendetta against you and his sole purpose in life is to punish you. Think about the example he’s setting for your child. Think about the awful things he’s doing and saying. Is this really someone you want to commit to and stay married to if he changed his mind tomorrow and wanted to work it out?

right now he has to face consequences. Move forward with the divorce and if wayyyy doen the line, he completely changed and makes amends in every possible way as well as spending every minute being remorseful and doing anything he can for you to trust him again, then you could think about reconciliation. Let him work for it. 
 

you have one life. Make it count and get rid of any toxic people in your life! Keep staying strong and moving forward. You’re doing great!

[ExpatInItaly]

Sometimes the marriage is just not worth saving. 

This is one of those times. He's awful. Divorce him, and one day, find a man who loves and respects you the way a husband should. Leave this jerk and his awful family in your rearview mirror. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, it sounds like you guys need a better counselor or more in depth counseling. Something has made him fall out of love with you. To fix it, it would have to be discovered in counseling. 

Ranting could mean nagging, and some of the other things could mean controlling. But you two operate a biz together, if I'm understanding correctly.......... so controlling the biz is normal and necessary, but could be in conflict with the romantic husband/wife relationship. Again, a good counselor is needed to sift through all of this, face to face, and it would take multiple sessions, and both parties would have to want to cooperate - and sometimes they don't want to.

It may be past the point of no return and he may not want to fix it though, sorry. You may have to cut your losses, find a new man to date, and move on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Fletch Lives said:

Well, it sounds like you guys need a better counselor or more in depth counseling. 

They both have attorneys, he moved out and they're divorcing.

[Fletch Lives]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

They both have attorneys, he moved out and they're divorcing.

Darn it Jim, I'm a love doctor, not a Lawyer!

[MaraMay]

I want to thank you all for your advice. Two days ago I told him that I don't want any contact to him anymore. That I don't want to see him, hear from him oder read messages. Only exception is if it is about our child.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course he couldn't accept it at first and has tried to reason with me, telling me that he thinks it would be good for us to keep on going to marriage counseling. And how sad he is, that all of this is happening right now.

For a second I thought about this being the right decision, not going to counseling anymore, now that he seems to want to. But I know now, that this is only a way for him to bind me to him again. He hasn't and won't change. He's still with the teenager and only wants me as his other option if this doesn't work out in the end.

I told him: "I am not sad, that all of this is happening. I am sad, that you gave up on our family. I tried everything I could. But now I'm done. This is on you and I'm working on my life now without you."

Haven't heard from him since. And I'm fine with that. Nothing more to say to him at the moment.

[schlumpy]

Do you have any family nearby as well as a network of friends?

You need someone to watch out for you until the grieving is over.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/24/2020 at 1:18 PM, MaraMay said:

a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as I’ve never been kissed before. 

 

Can we rewind to the part where a 30yo married man was texting his mother and describing in some detail his kissing a 17yo girl ???

 

What sort of a family dynamic is there that it is perfectly comfortable for a Driver's Ed Instructor (??) to be telling his mother of passionately kissing a 17yo driving student???

 

 

In most simple terms, I think that he senses in her the young and delightful woman that he remembers YOU as having once been.

 

(**this does not indicate ANYthing which you have done out of the norm on your own natural path from 17-ish to 30-ish)

 

He seems more childish than I can put into words.

 

 

[MaraMay]

On 10/28/2020 at 4:13 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

In most simple terms, I think that he senses in her the young and delightful woman that he remembers YOU as having once been.
(**this does not indicate ANYthing which you have done out of the norm on your own natural path from 17-ish to 30-ish)

He seems more childish than I can put into words.

 

 

That's something I haven't thought about but there's probably some truth in it. Looking back at our relationship he has definitely changed when he became a dad. Or to say it the other way around. I became a mom and he wasn't ready to grow up. He's still having the same hobbies he's had for the last 15 years. Driving around town in his far too expensive cars. He tried to act like he'd grown up but then she came along and showed him, that there was the possibility of going back to his "old" life. 

I actually read another of those messages he wrote to his mom about our life saying: This life is not me, that's not what I want to be. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, MaraMay said:

 he wasn't ready to grow up. 

Read up on "Peter Pan Syndrome".  Divorce will be a welcome relief in the long run.

[MaraMay]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Read up on "Peter Pan Syndrome".  Divorce will be a welcome relief in the long run.

Can‘t believe it... every single thing fits perfectly to my husband’s behavior. Who would have thought. 

[Atwood]

If my husband groomed a 17-year-old I would be out the door and he would never see me or the children again. Infidelity is one thing. A 17-year-old? Nah, that power imbalance is terrifying.