Husband Cheated Lied and Left me for a young Girl

[Atwood]

On 10/27/2020 at 10:25 PM, MaraMay said:

I want to thank you all for your advice. Two days ago I told him that I don't want any contact to him anymore. That I don't want to see him, hear from him oder read messages. Only exception is if it is about our child.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course he couldn't accept it at first and has tried to reason with me, telling me that he thinks it would be good for us to keep on going to marriage counseling. And how sad he is, that all of this is happening right now.

For a second I thought about this being the right decision, not going to counseling anymore, now that he seems to want to. But I know now, that this is only a way for him to bind me to him again. He hasn't and won't change. He's still with the teenager and only wants me as his other option if this doesn't work out in the end.

I told him: "I am not sad, that all of this is happening. I am sad, that you gave up on our family. I tried everything I could. But now I'm done. This is on you and I'm working on my life now without you."

Haven't heard from him since. And I'm fine with that. Nothing more to say to him at the moment.

Damn, I support this decision so hard. Be strong, wishing you well. I'm so sorry this happened to you

[stillafool]

Good for you for telling him you no longer want contact with him.   He has disrespected you in the worse possible way and blamed you for it.  Keep getting yourself into shape and working on your new life.  Don't let him see you at all if possible.  If you have a close family member maybe he can pick up and drop off your son through them.  Instruct them to never talk about you unless it's related to your child's needs.  Your complete absence will be your largest weapon at this point.  It will drive him crazy.

[MaraMay]

So wanted to give you a little update. Since I’ve stopped communication with him I haven’t heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.

I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.

There is one thing that’s been bugging me for the whole week. And I’d love to hear your opinion about it, as I‘m not sure if I‘m thinking rationally at the moment or if it’s just anger and will bite me in the a** afterwards. 😂

 

My husband has told her parents his story of us having been separated for months and so on.

I‘m thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter, stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September, my husband telling me they fell in love during driving school, my husband meeting both me and her during our relationship-break.

You know, only facts, no emotions or accusations. 

 

Anyone think this is a good or horrible idea?

[schlumpy]

I think its a wonderful idea.

 

[Wiseman2]

Horrible idea. Stick with communication only through your attorney. Get a court ordered ( preferably supervised) visitation schedule in place.

Don't waste your time looking like the scorned woman writing letters,etc. Focus only on your next steps legally with regard to divorce, custody and visitation.

[spiderowl]

I’m so sorry to hear what happened and what you have had to deal with. I think you are handling it very well.

It seems really odd that his mother was being supportive of his affair. She could have ‘taught’ him about integrity there and advised him not to creep behind your back. Maybe she tried, who knows?

He is behaving like a kid who thinks he can go out to ‘play’ because he has mum (you) back at home in the kitchen to go back to. Now that you’ve pulled that rug out from under his feet, he’s in an entirely different situation.  It seems his real mother will put up with him so it will prob be fun for him for a while until the age gap drives your ex and his dalliance apart. He may try to draw you back in then; hopefully you will see through it all and send him packing.

When you have come to terms with this and recovered from the shock and confusion of it all, you will build a better life for yourself. You are very intelligent and have the honour and integrity that was missing in your ex. 

I agree it would be best not to send the letter. I can totally understand the temptation but her parents must be turning a blind eye to the red flags - or their daughter is deceiving them. Either way, you don’t want to get involved in all that because they will only view it as sour grapes. One could argue that it is practically a child protection issue but the parents are currently responsible for protecting their child not you. Let your ex clear up his own messes.

I truly wish you all the best.

[Atwood]

Don't do it. Not a good time to make decisions, and it'll just come off as a desperate attempt. You know the truth, be confident in it. If you try to go round convincing everyone, it'll look like you're compensating (they will read into it that you're a liar, because people believe what they want to believe). Besides, even if you could convince them, you get nothing whatsoever out of it. It only serves to cause you more stress and anguish, and gives them ammunition for their own set of lies. 

You have come out of this very successfully. You're rid of the problem, you're being left alone by the problem, and they're amusing themselves so you can focus on you and your healing time  

[elaine567]

On 11/2/2020 at 10:14 PM, MaraMay said:

I‘m thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter, stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September

I know it seems right and fair but making enemies deliberately is never a good idea. The last thing you need is this 17 year old and possibly her friends  and family rubbishing you on SM or yelling at you in the street... If you start a feud it could go on for years
The dignified response is to walk away with your head held high.
Leave them all to their own messes, concentrate on making the best life for you and your child.

[MaraMay]

So today I was able to pick up my new car... as he has taken our family car and doesn't give it back. Both of us know the people working at this car dealer and really every single one of them came to greet me and told me what kind of idiot my husband is and how they don't understand why he would give up his family for a 17 year old. They also told me that he is parading her around in town... going to dinner and so on.

Hearing this hurt. But I also had to laugh when I thought about him being super proud to have his teenage girl on his arm, while everyone else is only shaking their head in disbelieve.

What's buzzing around in the head these days is: A lot of people here or in my circle of family and friends tell me, that one day he'll probably try to get back with me.
I don't think this will ever happen. Why would he do that? He doesn't love me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know what he's done and still doing and I don't want this kind of man back in my life. But is it "normal" for cheaters to try to get back or why do people think that this is possibly going to happen someday.

If I ask people they only say "You'll see." I don't understand.

[schlumpy]

Because when the shine wears off the sex he will want to have an adult conversation.

 

[MaraMay]

I wonder when the till will come where I have just ONE week without hearing anything from him.

Saturday he picked up our son and was shocked that I wasn't there to hand him over. My dad told me that he instantly had tears in his eyes and started to cry.
He went to my dad and wanted to "lean on" him and apologized for what happened the last time (where he told me I dressed like a whore and shouted at me in front of our boy).
My dad moved a step back and told him "this won't happen again."

I can't believe this man. Crying? Apologizing? Why the heck is he apologizing to my dad. He should be apologizing to me. But no word from him.
When he came to bring back his son, he had his mother with him as support. 😂

 

And what else have I found out?
The mother of the girl is running around town, telling everyone how lucky she is that her daughter has snatched the big business man (MY husband) and that her daughter will soon be the new Mrs. XY. 🤮
What the hell? 

[elaine567]

28 minutes ago, MaraMay said:

Why the heck is he apologizing to my dad.

He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy in front of your parents.
He is angling for the sympathy vote...

[stillafool]

On 11/6/2020 at 5:00 PM, schlumpy said:

Because when the shine wears off the sex he will want to have an adult conversation.

 

Yeah or sooner or later her eyes will start looking at 19-20 year olds and the novelty of an adoring older man will wear off.  Then he will crawl back home to mommy with his tail tucked between his legs.  

Edited November 9, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MaraMay said:

Saturday he picked up our son and was shocked that I wasn't there to hand him over.

As I said before.  This is your weapon at this point.  Never let him see you.  

Also I know the guys at the car dealer didn't mean any harm but if I were you I would tell people you're not interested in hearing about him and change the subject.  You don't need to know what is going on with them.  It keeps them on your mind.

[JRabbit]

wait until the 17 year old ends up pregnant, because this is where that is headed.

[MaraMay]

16 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

wait until the 17 year old ends up pregnant, because this is where that is headed.

I don't even want to think about it. Wouldn't know if I should be crying or laughing. Probably a bit of both.

[healing light]

On 11/6/2020 at 12:11 PM, MaraMay said:

. But is it "normal" for cheaters to try to get back or why do people think that this is possibly going to happen someday.

Yes, if the cheaters are narcissists. Some people just like having the power to pull strings and know with confidence that their old narcissistic supply is still on the hook for when the new partner realizes their true colors. 

I am fairly confidence this affair will end in flames--when this adolescent graduates, she will potentially be onto college where there will be lots of age appropriate options. I bet many of them will be more mature than your husband, too. There is just way too much life experience and growth that goes on between 17 and 30 (or should) to make your husband an appealing option for her long-term as he ages. All you really know about this girl is that she's underage and willing to get involved with a married man with a young child, so I have no doubt she'll probably have no issue moving onto someone who better suits her needs.

Maybe not before she drains his bank account and makes your husband regret his life decisions, though. I bet that is already going on with all the fancy dates around town. I'm sure it will make him pine for the days of his former lifelong love who actually cared about managing a business and a budget.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/2/2020 at 2:14 PM, MaraMay said:

 

I‘m thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter, stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September, my husband telling me they fell in love during driving school, my husband meeting both me and her during our relationship-break.

You know, only facts, no emotions or accusations. 

 

Anyone think this is a good or horrible idea?

Despite the... (comforting feelings) you would feel for having written such a thing...

 

It also represents further investment  by you, into this situation that has long ago left your control.

 

And c'mon,  nobody on LS gives a #!&# about HIM the individual...    so it's only your perspective that we care about.

And it is your investment IN him  which retains some value... and yet also seems mostly lost.

 

SO in a way the last thing you want to do is invest more in the same direction.

 

(but of course you wish you could have a distraction...        from him, and from COVID)

 

 

 

[MaraMay]

 

On 11/9/2020 at 2:59 PM, stillafool said:

As I said before.  This is your weapon at this point.  Never let him see you.  

And this weapon is working just fine. While we are discussing the dates, when he can see our son again, I got a message "You didn't see how sad he was, when I had to leave again. Cause YOU WEREN'T THERE for pick-up. TWO TIMES!"

On 11/10/2020 at 3:44 AM, healing light said:

I am fairly confidence this affair will end in flames--when this adolescent graduates, she will potentially be onto college where there will be lots of age appropriate options.

Oh she sure is onto college. And from what I heard she is going to one pretty far away. Wonder how this will work for those two lovebirds. He's probably going to be the next to be cheated on.

14 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It also represents further investment  by you, into this situation that has long ago left your control.

I wrote the letter but I won't be sending it. It will give me nothing. It won't break them up and my husband probably thinks I still care for him, if they tell him. Which is something that I for sure don't want him to know.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, MaraMay said:

I wrote the letter but I won't be sending it

Good idea. Sending it won't get you anything but more drama. 

She is a child, for all intents and purposes. She has very limited life experience.  Her mom and your husband are fooling themselves if they think she is going to be his Happily Ever After, but they will learn this the hard way. 

Might he try to come back then? It's entirely possible. Would I ever again want to share a bed with a grown man who dates teens? Ew, no. You can do so much better than this numpty. 

[MaraMay]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Might he try to come back then? It's entirely possible. Would I ever again want to share a bed with a grown man who dates teens? Ew, no. You can do so much better than this numpty. 

Try to come back? I don't think this is going to happen. If he would,  he would also have to admit that he made a mistake. And this is something he is not capable. He's far too proud and stubborn. 

And if I'm completely wrong and everyone that has told me up until now, that he will come back, is right... I'd be so happy. But not because I want to continue our marriage.  I just want to be able to talk to the man that I married and tell him what he did to us. Right now, he doesn't understand a single word, that I tell him. He twists everything around, so that it fits to his liking. 

 

At the moment he is trying to continue his family life with his son like nothing happened. He wants to pick him up, whenever it fits him. Calls a few hours beforehand. I think he hasn't realized, that leaving this family also means not just a new life for him but also for our son and me. 

[MaraMay]

On 11/11/2020 at 12:38 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Good idea. Sending it won't get you anything but more drama. 

Only a few days later and I'm already relieved, that I didn't send that letter. We found out by coincidence, that a good friend of my cousin's best friend is working with the father of the girl. The father told his colleagues that his daughter has a new boyfriend, who is a little bit older. So 13 years is a little bit. Good to know. 😂

 

I'm applying for a new job, have made some new friends in my son's playgroup and I can keep from stalking my EH on social media. Thats the positiv side.

On the other hand I'm thinking a lot about the past. I miss our life, the conversations, all the fun we had. And I wonder how can he sleep at night... in his former children's room - our office, that I set up - in his parents house. I wonder what he'd been thinking when he started the affair. Leaving me out of this - as he seemed to have problems with me (that he should have told me, so that we could have worked on them). But there are so many other things. He must have known, that he wouldn't see his son as often anymore. That he'd lose all of my family and relatives, who he adored. He also lost all of our friends (as most of them were my friends when we started dating). And to top it of I managed his business - he must know that he's not capable of doing this on his own. How will he make it work. I'm sure that teenage girl won't help him while she's studying for graduations. 

I know all of this is not my problem and I should concentrate on my life, but I can't shake these thoughts of. Is his brain that full of fog, that he's only thinking about bedding her?

 

From what I heard he is now friends with people of the age of 17-19. All of them former driving school students and probably classmates or whatever of the girl. It's like he's been put into a time machine and he's back in his 20s. 

His 30th birthday was in January. I remember him being in a bad mood weeks before his birthday. I couldn't understand at the time. I turned 30 a few months before and embraced it. I was so content with my life. Married, Healthy, Family, Friends, Little Baby Boy... I tried to brighten his mood. Told him, how much we had achieved and what a wonderful life lay before us. If I had only known. 

[stillafool]

I don't know what is wrong with these men.  A friend of mines daughter who is 32 found out her husband is cheating with a 23 year old and he is 37.  They have 4 kids together and he wants to leave for this young woman.  My friend's daughter is devastated.  They just had their 4th child this past July.  My friend wants his head on a stick.

[MaraMay]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't know what is wrong with these men.  A friend of mines daughter who is 32 found out her husband is cheating with a 23 year old and he is 37.  They have 4 kids together and he wants to leave for this young woman.  My friend's daughter is devastated.  They just had their 4th child this past July.  My friend wants his head on a stick.

If I didn't live the same nightmare, I wouldn't believe it. 

My mom wants his head on a stick... while my dad is just glad, that this happened rather sooner than later. (After everything I told him)

[Miss Spider]

That’s some Jerry Springer type stuff. I am so sorry you are going through this