Of and on 10 years , 2 kids later and no proposal or ring

[KrispyCreme]

My boyfriend and i have a daughter who is 3 and We just had our baby boy in August. We have been together since we were in highschool. We are on and off sometimes and we have had stage where we were living together. We’ve broken up a few times but the longest we’ve been away from each other is 2 months. The last time we broke up was in December 2019 where i caught him cheating but we stayed together and worked on our relationship for not only us but our children. 

We no longer stay together because i think that’s where we clashed A lot. i moved in with him at a very young age of 16. But despite what we’ve been through my Love for him remains. He’s talked about getting married but only in jokingly matters 

 how so i bring up the marriage talk with my boyfriend or where are we going with this relationship 

[kendahke]

If he doesn't already know you want to get married, then you need to sit him down and tell him that you want to be married.

But by now, he knows you want to be married and he's not checking for you like that. That is the unfortunate truth that you're living with.

Being on and off means that you two have not been on the same page for some time.

If he hasn't by now, he's not going to ask you because his behavior has proven that he doesn't want to marry you.  Two children are not going to make him change his mind.

If for no other reason, you need to find out what his policy is as far as legally marrying you.

[KrispyCreme]

10 hours ago, kendahke said:

If he doesn't already know you want to get married, then you need to sit him down and tell him that you want to be married.

But by now, he knows you want to be married and he's not checking for you like that. That is the unfortunate truth that you're living with.

Being on and off means that you two have not been on the same page for some time.

If he hasn't by now, he's not going to ask you because his behavior has proven that he doesn't want to marry you.  Two children are not going to make him change his mind.

If for no other reason, you need to find out what his policy is as far as legally marrying you.

I Assumed he wanted to wait until we became more consistent to pop the question 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Who do you live with now? He cheats, he lies, and he never has been and never will be committed.

Your focus needs to be on Court ordered child support and visitation.

Stop having sex with him. He doesn't want to marry or be a family unit.

The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you can finally find a man who is faithful, committed and family oriented.

[KrispyCreme]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Who do you live with now? He cheats, he lies, and he never has been and never will be committed.

Your focus needs to be on Court ordered child support and visitation.

Stop having sex with him. He doesn't want to marry or be a family unit.

The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you can finally find a man who is faithful, committed and family oriented.

I live alone but I’m over his house so much you can say we live together. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, KrispyCreme said:

I live alone but I’m over his house so much you can say we live together. 

You do not live together. He needs to pay child support. Where are your parents and family? 

Did you run away from home at 16? Why did you move in with his family?

[schlumpy]

Oh Krispy, you are breaking my heart and I have no words that will do anything but bounce off your love infested psyche.

Why is it that a woman such as yourself would choose a man that has so little respect for the obvious devotion that you have for him? One reason could be is that he doesn't have to earn it. That by placing few demands on him on him keeps him coming around.

If you want to be married you have to take a risk that he's going to run. The leverage you had to make that happen was your youth and childless status. At that time, you could have put marriage on the table and if he refused there are other men who won't. That would have upped the chances of it being yes.

Now with two children the pool of eligible suitors interested in an instant family has dropped in number and you are tied to BF forever. That gives him quite a bit of latitude as you are finding out. The chance of him asking for marriage has diminished because there are already "two" strong reasons for you to hang around along with the love and devotion you have for him.

The first thing you have to do if you want him to marry you, is to force him to respect you. Force him to see you not as his tag-along GF but as a person with value that can enhance his life.

You have to set boundaries for yourself as to what behaviors you will accept from him. Cheating would not be acceptable.

Respect is one essential quality. Love is another. Compatibility can be reached through compromise.

If he can't meet your new standards you have to move on. See a lawyer so the children can be provided for and be careful as to who you date.

Type into your browser "cheating 180." The start of your journey.

This regimen will help you detach from your feelings allowing rational thought to once again course down your dendritic pathways. It will take months but with a lifting of the love fog your vision will clear.

Surround yourself with friends and family to help you.

If you have no job related skills then get some training or go back to school and get some. It's very essential as a single mother that you see your value and a good job can be the foundation of seeing your self worth. If you decide to move on then don't look back and take it one step at a time.

Start building a future for you and your kids or you won't have one you will be happy with.

I'd hate to see that. I just love Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

 

All the best to you.

 

 

[basil67]

Welcome to the board Krispy.  

I have to say that there's nothing in what you've written here which suggests that marriage would be a good choice.  And I'm betting he's quite aware of that fact too.    The two of you keep breaking up, there's cheating, you can't live together...   Hon, a relationship which leads to marriage should be one where you fit together with each other.  One where communication is easy and most importantly, one which is solid.

About the only thing which could make marriage feasible would be to sort out all the issues first.  Address the reasons why you're breaking up frequently.  Address why he cheated.   And when you say "we no longer stay together", am I right in interpreting that as the two of you can't live together?   Because you'd need to address this too.  

[KrispyCreme]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do not live together. He needs to pay child support. Where are your parents and family? 

Did you run away from home at 16? Why did you move in with his family?

I didn’t run away per say but He is all i know 

[d0nnivain]

there in lies the problem.  He is all you know & he's the father of your kids.  You are tied together through them forever but that is not a good reason to marry.  

You say you were broken up in December 2019 & had a baby together in August 2020.  Congratulations on your son.  Problem is that you got pregnant after you got back together which was a mistake.   Things were already bad between you & had been for years.  Instead of addressing that you brought another life into the mess.  

If you live alone now you need to figure out how to build a life without him.  Marrying him won't solve things.  It won't make him a better partner or father.  He doesn't want marriage or to settle down.  he never will, at least not with you.  You are baby mama, nothing more.  He is not your future. 

Make a plan as to how you will support your kids without him.  He needs to pay you child support but you need a job, friends of your own & to build a life for your kids.  It's going to be hard.  If you have been with him since 16, I'm assuming you don't have a great educational foundation under here.  Get yourself on whatever public assistance may be available to you & ask for career guidance in there.  

[Ellener]

Yes, welcome @KrispyCreme

All you can do is talk to him to see where you're headed, so at least you can move on with your own life if you're not on the same page any more. Casual arrangements work for a time, but as you're finding, not necessarily longer term.

You'll always be connected via your children so it's best to keep things cordial, but if he's entitled to other relationships and his freedom so are you. 

 

 

 

[Aus]

Im pretty sure you posted under a different name on the 6th October:

 

you got some good, sound advice, you should start applying it. People on this forum make an effort and take some time to reply; don't waste it

[d0nnivain]

Good catch @Aus!  I thought the story sounded familiar.  

[ShyViolet]

How do you think you'd be able to marry someone who you can't live with because you don't get along?  That makes no sense.  Stop having children with someone who you are not in a stable relationship with.

[kendahke]

On 10/25/2020 at 7:26 AM, KrispyCreme said:

I Assumed

Translation: I'm afraid to ask him a direct question that has an immediate bearing on not only my life, but the lives of my children.

Quote

I live alone

Quote

My boyfriend and i have a daughter who is 3 and We just had our baby boy in August.

You live with two small children you're rearing, you mean.

 

 

 

Edited October 26, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 10/25/2020 at 1:40 PM, Aus said:

Im pretty sure you posted under a different name on the 6th October:

 Thanks, Aus..

 OP==I'll repeat what I said in the last post you made on this exact same topic:

I stopped after reading this.

For 10 years you'll never get back, you've squandered your youth on something that's mediocre. While no relationship is perfect,  it should have way more going for it than what you've presented. Habit is a bad excuse for staying with someone when things aren't working.

Do better for yourself. End this and find a better investment for your finite resource of youth.

Beware the hole you dig for someone else, lest you end up falling into it yourself.

And check your revenge fantasies so that you don't wind up in a pair of orange pajamas courtesy of the county jail. If he wants this chick, then let then have each other. Move on to better.

[stillafool]

I don't know why you girls cling to these losers.  You remind me of a 32 year old woman I know who has 4 kids (just had last one in July) with her boyfriend she's been with since she was 17 and him 21.  He still hasn't married her even though she wants it.  He has cheated on her with so many girls it's ridiculous and some were even her friends.  Now that he's 36 he's looking at 21-23 year olds and currently cheating with a 22 year old he's head over heels for.  Meanwhile, his babies mother is nursing and taking care of 4 kids, still wanting a ring that she will never get.  

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't know why you girls cling to these losers.  

Change is scary.  I was with a guy for 10+ years, lived together, no kids & no cheating.  I wanted marriage. He didn't believe in it.  My self esteem went into the toilet because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't good enough.  I eventually bought myself a house & moved out.  We still dated for another year before I finally had the guts to get out but I admit I monkey branched.  I was so low that I was shocked another man would want me.  That turned out to be a disaster -- I was lied to & played for a fool while I supported the new guy until I finally kicked him out after 2 years. But he was nice to me & didn't criticize like the 10 year guy.    In his defense my house was spotless; I came home to a gourmet meal every night; & he walked my dog 5+ miles per day.  

Unlike the OP, I wasted my child bearing years on these guys.  When I met & married my amazing husband it was too late for kids.  

Sometimes you love so much you think you can love enough for the both of you & that it will be OK.  It's not & you need the blinders removed from your eyes.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/24/2020 at 4:35 PM, KrispyCreme said:

My boyfriend and i have a daughter who is 3 and We just had our baby boy in August. We have been together since we were in highschool. We are on and off sometimes and we have had stage where we were living together. We’ve broken up a few times but the longest we’ve been away from each other is 2 months. The last time we broke up was in December 2019 where i caught him cheating but we stayed together and worked on our relationship for not only us but our children. 

We no longer stay together because i think that’s where we clashed A lot. i moved in with him at a very young age of 16. But despite what we’ve been through my Love for him remains. He’s talked about getting married but only in jokingly matters 

 how so i bring up the marriage talk with my boyfriend or where are we going with this relationship 

(sigh)  If only marriage would occur in 11th grade upon merely pushing a button and making it so.

 

Your lives have been so comfortable for so long without much formality that eventually none will be needed.

 

And that's probably fine for a lot of people.

 

Back in the day you were lucky to find a private setting for intimacy, and you didn't have the means to create anything formal...  and with that as a foundation, it may well be challenging to get there from here as a result.

 

Many laws will treat you as a committed, married couple even though there is no ring...    so he just doesn't feel much pressure to abruptly alter what you've long known and shared, based on the evolution toward this point.