Mickey Posted July 20, 1999 Share Posted July 20, 1999 I have been dating the same person for 10 years. We constantly talked about eventually getting married and having a family. In 1995 she was diagnosed with a life- threatening illness which could only be cured through organ transplant. I freaked, but did not flee. During those 3 years, I supported her in every way I could. I was always there for her. Well, now she has been transplanted and is doing very well. However, I am very depressed. She can never have children without putting herself at risk. Adoption is a possibility, however...her life expectancy after transplant is 20 years at best. This means that there is always a possibility of leaving the child motherless at a young age (she has said that she would have a hard time adopting or raising a child if she knew that she possibly would not be around for the child's early life). Plus I'm afraid I couldn't raise a child on my own. Part of me wants to get out of the relationship to fulfill my dreams, but part of me says how can I leave the person I've dedicated 10 years of my life to already? Finally...(this may sound stubborn)..I don't want to be a widow at age 40 or 50.. I find it very scary to be alone at that age. I find it even scarier to be alone in my 60s, 70s, and 80s (with no sons or daughters to take care of me or watch out for my intersts). What would you do if you were in my shoes? Am I being too self-Centered? Link to post Share on other sites
bethbonnie Posted July 20, 1999 Share Posted July 20, 1999 I have been dating the same person for 10 years. We constantly talked about eventually getting married and having a family. In 1995 she was diagnosed with a life- threatening illness which could only be cured through organ transplant. I freaked, but did not flee. During those 3 years, I supported her in every way I could. I was always there for her. Well, now she has been transplanted and is doing very well. However, I am very depressed. She can never have children without putting herself at risk. Adoption is a possibility, however...her life expectancy after transplant is 20 years at best. This means that there is always a possibility of leaving the child motherless at a young age (she has said that she would have a hard time adopting or raising a child if she knew that she possibly would not be around for the child's early life). Plus I'm afraid I couldn't raise a child on my own. Part of me wants to get out of the relationship to fulfill my dreams, but part of me says how can I leave the person I've dedicated 10 years of my life to already? Finally...(this may sound stubborn)..I don't want to be a widow at age 40 or 50.. I find it very scary to be alone at that age. I find it even scarier to be alone in my 60s, 70s, and 80s (with no sons or daughters to take care of me or watch out for my intersts). What would you do if you were in my shoes? Am I being too self-Centered? You certainly have been through some tough but so far victorious trials...and I admire you staying beside your love's side through what one can only imagine would have been extremely testing for any relationship, I'm so thrilled that her transplant came to pass and she has recovered to enjoy life so far. You don't mention specifically 'the dreams' you wish to fulful...does this mean you could not fulfil these dreams with your current girlfriend? Do you love this girl..if you were to marry her would you be able to say the vows...for better, or worse, and mean them? Do you know that you love this girl regardless of the fears you have of the future years? You seem to be concerned of the future, which I feel all this worry of becoming a widow, or having no-one to look after you in your latter years of life, seems to be robbing you of your ability to appreciate the present joys, you and your girlfriend are entitled to share. Allowing fear to control you, is quite apparent as to may be what is causing your depression. Please remember that you are in control of your emotions, they are not in control of you...please do not allow your fears of the unknown future make you an 'emotional cripple'. Enjoy the present blessings in your life...there is so much we can be thankful for if we look at what we have, rather than what we havent. There are many lonely people in the world who have no one to share their lives with, and for all you have already been through in this relationship, you both are to be commended. The decision to leave or stay, is only something you can decide. You may leave and find someone with less disadvantages (physically) than you current girlfriend, however, you may never find someone that ever is able to replace the love you share with her now. There is always a risk in every decision we make...is it too much to ask yourself...'why don't I just one day at a time in my life, enjoy today, and leave tomorrow alone....there is a saying in the bible...'do not worry about tomorrow, for it shall not add a single hour to your life...'. Happiness really is a choice, we choose to be happy, or we choose to allow our emotions to make us unhappy...'. If you both decided to have children, and blessed to hold a little one in your arms, one day, and gave to that child all the love and best parental ability and guidance from you both...would that not in itself hold many cherished moments and dreams you could all share together and look forward to? Is there anything better in life that complementing someone else's life, loving them and being loved in return, with true committment, honesty and respect......? I hope my thoughts help...best wishes to you both, bethbonnie Link to post Share on other sites
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