My girlfriend doesn't love me but won't let me go

[Wazzcairns]

Hey Guys and Girls, I am in a relationship with a lady and have been for about 10 years, initially I was very needy and she couldn’t handle it and left me, after about 9 months we got back together and I had changed and was a more confident and self reliant person things were going great and she convinced me to have another child with her. She has never really appeared to be that into me and every few years she tells me she doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if she really ever has. Just recently she has told me again she doesn’t love me and obviously every time this happens she breaks my heart, we were only just recently planning on buying a house and planning another holiday in a year and then bam out of the blue I don’t love you and don’t want to have sex with you, I got fed up the other night and said I was done but she begged me not to leave. I am living some sort of limbo existence without any escape. It is really getting me down, she has stopped telling me she loves me and there is no affection, I really feel alone. We have a couple of kids so the choice to leave isn’t an easy one but I feel sick in the stomach every day and love her a lot. I really don’t know what to do, she isn’t one to talk about stuff and generally if I bring it up she says it adds pressure and makes things worse. I am living my life at the mercy of someone else and most nights I wish to not wake up in the morning. I’m hurt and lost 

[basil67]

Your choice to leave was a wise one.  Tell me, what did she say to make you choose to stay?

[Wazzcairns]

She said please don’t go, so I stayed but she still has that glazed over look in her eyes that says I don’t love you. 

Edited October 25, 2020 by Wazzcairns

[Wiseman2]

So you have 2 kids, have been together 10 years and live together?

Sounds like neither of you are happy or even trying.

You're not at anyone's mercy. You can walk away pay child support and share custody of the kids.

It sounds like she won't sleep with you because there's way too much conflict.

Both of you have camped out in your respective corners in a stand off.

Find out what you want. Leave? Stay? Then take the steps to facilitate this.

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, Wazzcairns said:

ginitially I was very needy and she couldn’t handle it and left me, after about 9 months we got back together and I had changed and was a more confident and self reliant person things were going great and she convinced me to have another child with her. 

I don't think you have changed enough. This woman is bringing out the worst in you and now you are trapped with the kids.

Let me guess. Are you paying all the bills while she goes out with her "friends?"

You either have to accept this situation the rest of your life or at least as long as she wants to stay, or you start taking control of your future with the understanding that she may walk.

Get into individual counseling so you can strengthen yourself for the battle that is ahead. Can you live with a woman who has no love for you along with little respect?

Talk to a divorce lawyer so that you know what your options are. Once you understand the box you are in you can make plans to modify it's borders to include or exclude her.

It will be her choice and by those choice you will know her. 

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, Wazzcairns said:

 Just recently she has told me again she doesn’t love me and obviously every time this happens she breaks my heart,

I got fed up the other night and said I was done but she begged me not to leave. 

It's time to put your foot down. Doesn't matter that she begs.  You stick to your guns & be done.  Make a plan for co-parenting your kids & move on.  

[Wazzcairns]

Thanks heaps guys for your advice, unfortunately what you say is deep down what my gut tells me to do, I usually follow my gut but because I love her I have been pushing my instincts to the side in hope I guess even though it’s eating me up inside.

[carhill]

9 hours ago, Wazzcairns said:

She said please don’t go, so I stayed but she still has that glazed over look in her eyes that says I don’t love you. 

Hopefully you can come up with a co-parenting plan that promotes child health and breaks her cycle of dependence because being parents will have you in each other's lives until someone dies, to some extent. I'm now old enough to see it at the grandparent and great grandparent level, exes are exes for life if one has children with them.

One bit of good news is that the ten years or so have taught, hopefully, some relationship lessons so anything in the future will benefit from that. The bonus is the kids. Great gift in life. It'll work out.

[Wazzcairns]

Thanks heaps, some very nice and wise words.

[mark clemson]

On 10/24/2020 at 9:46 PM, Wazzcairns said:

 Just recently she has told me again she doesn’t love me and obviously every time this happens she breaks my heart, we were only just recently planning on buying a house and planning another holiday in a year and then bam out of the blue I don’t love you and don’t want to have sex with you, I got fed up the other night and said I was done but she begged me not to leave. I am living some sort of limbo existence without any escape.

It sounds like she may have had an issue such as avoidant attachment or tendencies of a personality disorder. Or she had a bad family situation growing up and learned some bad "strategies" for LTRs, or simply isn't very emotional. There are actually many possibilities, but my point in mentioning this is that of course a relationship with a person with significant unresolved psychological issues is difficult and draining for you.

At some point, you should probably ask that she acknowledge there is an issue and get some IC. That may or may not ever happen. For YOU, it seems like you are best served seeking therapy, particularly for any suicidal thoughts, but also to get yourself to a place where you can accept the end of the relationship and thus move on if things continue. I suspect you have some level of insecure attachment, which may be why you have been tolerating all this for so long, and why her "coldness" is so distressing for you. Addressing that in therapy might go a long way towards improving your romantic life, even if that entails walking away from a bad relationship in order to seek out a better one.

Edited October 26, 2020 by mark clemson

[Wazzcairns]

Hey Mark that sounds pretty spot on, she has had issues with her father for a long time. She has actually just recently told me she has booked in to speak with someone about her life and to some degree also about why she always does this to me.

[Wazzcairns]

I would like to thank everyone for taking time out of their lives to try and help an absolute stranger 

[mark clemson]

From my limited experience, avoidant attachment is still "attachment". In other words, even though the person may lash out and push you away in some ways, they often apparently DO  still want you in their life. It's just in an "at arm's length" sort of way because they are uncomfortable with too much "closeness". So prospects of e.g. buying a house together then trigger the lashing out until she can adjust and sorts out her comfort level with the prospective new life situation (or whatever is going on there mentally).

Of course those are generalizations that no doubt DON'T apply in all cases, and I may also be totally off about your GF and her specific issues.

[Wazzcairns]

Hey Mark you’re on the money 

[ExpatInItaly]

She may have attachment issues. 

Or she may be with you because she wanted a child and all the trappings of "typical" family life, but can't continuously ignore her feeling that she doesn't have romantic love for you. Some folks get into and stay in relationships for the wrong reasons simply because they're afraid to be alone and want the security a long-term relationship brings. 

Either way, you obviously can't go on like this. You have the choice to walk away if this relationship is no longer serving your best interests either. 

[Wazzcairns]

Thanks ExpatinItaly, I think this is what may be happening. I am a loyal guy but I guess I should be taking my needs into consideration 

[notbroken]

Staying with someone that doesn't love you just isn't worth it.  It will destroy you emotionally.   Leave.  Support your children.  Be the best father you can be.   Go slow and find a woman that can love you.  This one can't.  It will be a lifetime of emptiness and pain if you stay.  Not worth it.  Run.  Fast. 

[dangerous]

The others advice here is spot on. Also, many of us who have gone through these experiences can also suggest that it is most likely that she will backtrack on the effort to improve/ get counselling. 

They say this to reel you in: "Please stay, I have a problem, which is deep rooted and I need help, I will get it, and everything will be ok" 

Then, a short while later, everything is as bad as ever, and she will say "there is nothing wrong with me, why did you tell me I need counselling, I do not!"

Sooner or later, you will need to decide if you will put up with this life of "push and pull" / heaven then hell, or decide to move on.

I fully appreciate however that children are involved which makes the changes more impactful but we all know that children in an unhappy family is no better than with separated parents who are in a better place individually.