Men keep lying to me and I don't know why, had another break up

[marycontrary1]

Maybe you guys can give me some insight that I'm just not seeing. I have got a real problem with men thinking they can lie to me. I have had to throw out so many liars in my life, so I know that I have some issue with attracting these sorts of people.

I had to cut out relationships with both my brother and father because of their lying to me, and shamefully, I have been married two times and both of those ended because of massive lies on their part.

For nearly 10 years, I have been working diligently on cleaning up my side of the street with regards to dysfunction and codependency. This includes completion of a 12-step program, counseling, and damn effective ayahuasca.

However, since I've been doing these things, it just seems that more liars enter my life, because with all this work I have done on my mind and body and life in general, I've turned out to be a very good catch. So I am constantly throwing out these guys who are interested, that feel like they have to lie to elevate themselves to meet my approval in their eyes.

I just broke up with a boyfriend whose entire family loved me because I found out that he was still married after lying to me about it for 14 months. He had been separated for 10 years, and his wife already had other partners during this time. However, he knew knew that I would have never gone out with him if he had just told me he was separated and not legally divorced.

This is a long string of short-term and medium-term dating relationships that ended with the other guys telling major Whoppers of some sort. These are not small fibs. 

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and complex PTSD. As I said, I have worked diligently for a decade to clean up my side of the street. However, with all of my faults, at least I can say that these guys knew who the hell I was.

I know that I have attachment issues, however since finding a partner with integrity has eluded me, this pretty much confirms over and over that it is damn difficult to really cultivate a loving and satisfying long-term relationship.

I'm getting sick of having to dump these clowns. To be sure, a lot of interested suitors that did not pass my smell test because of lying or incompatible lifestyles were also rejected. It's not that I don't have boundaries, because when I find these things out I enforce them damn quick. It is just some of these bastards are sneaky as hell and they want to be with me for whatever reason despite the inevitable consequences of when I wake up to their BS.

I would love high quality relationship , and I would eventually like to marry. I thank everybody in advance for their constructive feedback on how to handle this really bad situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Go slowly. Take your time getting to know someone. Make a list of red flags and deal breakers. Rule those out immediately.

Then make a list of the qualities and characteristics that are important to you. Be more specific than just not a liar.

Stay in that range. Don't give out TMI, when first dating.

However you do need to be honest about being in recovery, being divorced twice and using ayahuasca.

Not everyone will be compatible with those things and then you can move on ASAP.

The most important person you need to be honest with is yourself.

 

[marycontrary1]

 thank you so much for your reply. I have been completely honest about all of these things. And no I do not give out TMI when dating and yes I do take it slow, and yes I do watch out for red flags. and I emphasize the importance of integrity. But none of these safeguards really seem to help

[marycontrary1]

And yes I have written down qualities that I am looking for. So I have done the due diligence.

[schlumpy]

Where are you finding these men? The environment can have a lot to do with the character of the men involved. People who lie to get what they want or avoid consequences are everywhere but there are points of concentration.

[d0nnivain]

14 months of being lied to about his marital status is awful.  To prevent that in the future, get details. & dig.  Ask Qs about where he got married, when he got divorced & the name of his lawyer.  Then do a public records search sooner rather than later.  

Do you  see any kind of pattern with the men you have dated?  You have poor role models in your father & brother but they are still the blueprint for what you think is normal.  I'm the biggest cliché going.  I married a man just like dear old dad but my dad was a fundamentally good guy so it works.  If you can identify a pattern, then you can work to avoid it.  

All lies are not created equal.  If he says you don't look fat in those jeans, he loves chick flicks & really likes going shopping with you, those are white lies he tells to spare your feelings & keep peace in the relationship.   If he lies about his marital status, cheating or whether he's employed those are unacceptable.  Where you draw the line in the middle is up to you.  

Don't beat yourself up too much about this string of liars.  You have boundaries.  You are doing work on yourself.  Those are positive steps.  As somebody suggested, change where you are looking for a mate.  That may help by widening your circle.  

[marycontrary1]

25 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Where are you finding these men? The environment can have a lot to do with the character of the men involved. People who lie to get what they want or avoid consequences are everywhere but there are points of concentration.

Again thank you so much, I need them in online dating, or in places like parks. I do not do bars or churches.

[marycontrary1]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

14 months of being lied to about his marital status is awful.  To prevent that in the future, get details. & dig.  Ask Qs about where he got married, when he got divorced & the name of his lawyer.  Then do a public records search sooner rather than later.  

Do you  see any kind of pattern with the men you have dated?  You have poor role models in your father & brother but they are still the blueprint for what you think is normal.  I'm the biggest cliché going.  I married a man just like dear old dad but my dad was a fundamentally good guy so it works.  If you can identify a pattern, then you can work to avoid it.  

All lies are not created equal.  If he says you don't look fat in those jeans, he loves chick flicks & really likes going shopping with you, those are white lies he tells to spare your feelings & keep peace in the relationship.   If he lies about his marital status, cheating or whether he's employed those are unacceptable.  Where you draw the line in the middle is up to you.  

Don't beat yourself up too much about this string of liars.  You have boundaries.  You are doing work on yourself.  Those are positive steps.  As somebody suggested, change where you are looking for a mate.  That may help by widening your circle.  

Thanks much for your input, I have gone on many dates just to see what the guy is like. It is my experience that guys past 35 are often very broken because of a myriad of reasons. I'm sure this is true with women. Anyway, due to the crisis, there are not a lot of social groups to join right now. I am kind of wondering if I'm not meant to be single.

 And as bad as this sounds, they're just are not a lot of guys out there who have their life together. I do not have children, my financial house is very good, I take very good care of my body and mind , and I am finding statistically that most of the men I need are just hot messes

 

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, marycontrary1 said:

 It is my experience that guys past 35 are often very broken because of a myriad of reasons.

 

 And as bad as this sounds, they're just are not a lot of guys out there who have their life together. I do not have children, my financial house is very good, I take very good care of my body and mind , and I am finding statistically that most of the men I need are just hot messes

 

I get it.  I often joke that I found the last unicorn in my husband:  35, never married, no kids, sane & balanced plus handsome.  He did not have a college degree when I met him but was working towards it & he was under employed at a job he sucked at. FWIW I met him at a business card exchange.  

Based on my experience I encourage you to keep your standards high, keep looking but don't overlook the diamonds in the rough guys.  

 

[marycontrary1]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

I get it.  I often joke that I found the last unicorn in my husband:  35, never married, no kids, sane & balanced plus handsome.  He did not have a college degree when I met him but was working towards it & he was under employed at a job he sucked at. FWIW I met him at a business card exchange.  

Based on my experience I encourage you to keep your standards high, keep looking but don't overlook the diamonds in the rough guys.  

 

Yes that is what I'm doing. It really doesn't matter if the guy has a college degree , if he is handsome, or if he's rich or not. What matters is that he has his life together so that his dysfunction does not bring me down. Man there are so many screwed-up people out there. Again thanks for your input

[understand50]

Mary,

I do not want you to take this as a dig, but it would help to ask yourself, why you keep, besides your family members, picking these liars?   Not all men are this way, but the ones who are tend to show the same things over and over.   You need to put in a little work to find out about the secret liars, such as your married man, but most of these types show themselves, and what they are,  really early.   Question, how did his entire family like you and not know, he was married? 

I hope you are not one of those females that goes for the bad boy, and then wonder why you get burned all the time.  Good news, if you are,  you can change. Most "good" guys get snapped up early.  We tend to find someone, get married and remain so, until we are divorced because we are not exciting enough, or death.  The guy that goes to work, meets his obligations, and just get on with live may not be Mr. excitement, but they will be there for you and your kids if you are lucky enough to have them.   

So.....   Why are you picking the losers?  What can you change to get a better outcome?  This is really on you and you alone.  What can you do to change?  What's the plan?  First off, decide, or research, just what are the good traits you are looking for.  Ask some good guys, and there wives, what it is about them and see what they say.

 Life, is your chooses, not random chance. You good one, and you make bad ones.  You learn from both.  What I mean, is that the successful folks will make good chooses, and set up for good things, and not just let life decide for them.  Yes, one can have bad luck, but the ones who work at it will come out better than most.   Just a thought.

I wish you luck.....

 

 

 

 

[dangerous]

3 hours ago, marycontrary1 said:

 

 And as bad as this sounds, they're just are not a lot of guys out there who have their life together. I do not have children, my financial house is very good, I take very good care of my body and mind , and I am finding statistically that most of the men I need are just hot messes

 

This is probably a major reason, maybe you are compromising, in that you are thinking they are "the best of a bad bunch" lol

Do not compromise, better to be alone, then in an unhappy/ dysfunctional relationship.

Keep looking, there are some older guys/ and ladies who are normal(ish) honest and "good catches" but rare.

[marycontrary1]

40 minutes ago, understand50 said:

Mary,

I do not want you to take this as a dig, but it would help to ask yourself, why you keep, besides your family members, picking these liars?   Not all men are this way, but the ones who are tend to show the same things over and over.   You need to put in a little work to find out about the secret liars, such as your married man, but most of these types show themselves, and what they are,  really early.   Question, how did his entire family like you and not know, he was married? 

I hope you are not one of those females that goes for the bad boy, and then wonder why you get burned all the time.  Good news, if you are,  you can change. Most "good" guys get snapped up early.  We tend to find someone, get married and remain so, until we are divorced because we are not exciting enough, or death.  The guy that goes to work, meets his obligations, and just get on with live may not be Mr. excitement, but they will be there for you and your kids if you are lucky enough to have them.   

So.....   Why are you picking the losers?  What can you change to get a better outcome?  This is really on you and you alone.  What can you do to change?  What's the plan?  First off, decide, or research, just what are the good traits you are looking for.  Ask some good guys, and there wives, what it is about them and see what they say.

 Life, is your chooses, not random chance. You good one, and you make bad ones.  You learn from both.  What I mean, is that the successful folks will make good chooses, and set up for good things, and not just let life decide for them.  Yes, one can have bad luck, but the ones who work at it will come out better than most.   Just a thought.

I wish you luck.....

 

Trust me I have asked myself this many times. No I absolutely am not attracted to slick a holes, irresponsible guys, alcohólica, womanizers, usually I can spot a lot of these guys at first glance. Like I said before, the guy does not have to be good-looking, rich, have an advanced degree like I do, and certainly not a bad boy. The guy I broke up with had not had a woman in many years oh, so he certainly wasn't a womanizer and he wasn't that bad boy.

What I think it has something to do with is that guys lie in order to elevate their status, to demonstrate that they are indeed Worthy. In other words oh, these guys act like they have their s*** together in order to impress me. This is what I'm seeing over and over. And by the way thank you for your very heartfelt lengthy response I appreciate it

 

 

 

 

 

 

[marycontrary1]

3 minutes ago, dangerous said:

This is probably a major reason, maybe you are compromising, in that you are thinking they are "the best of a bad bunch" lol

Do not compromise, better to be alone, then in an unhappy/ dysfunctional relationship.

Keep looking, there are some older guys/ and ladies who are normal(ish) honest and "good catches" but rare.

Thank you for your response. This particular guy is a family man who is well-respected. He didn't drink or smoke, and all of his adult children and grandchildren adore him. His sisters and brothers adore him. He just only has problems with Integrity with me. So this isn't a bad boy oh, I am absolutely not attracted to Bad Boys. They're just a lot of broken men out there

[marycontrary1]

I have been alone by a majority of time for the past nine years. I have dated many nationalities and many different guys from varying backgrounds. What I have to say is that people are freaking broken past a certain age. I'm sure that unicorns exist but by God I don't know where they are. I'll basically give any guy a chance for a date to just meet up and talk as long as he's not married or an outright psycho, because I know there could always be a pleasant surprise if I don't take up the offer. But I'm just trying to figure out where the hell a healthy guy can be found.

[marycontrary1]

Oh and his family thought I already knew that he was separated and not divorced yet. They had no idea that this was totally against my values, or else they probably would have said something earlier.

[MsJayne]

I come from the same type of background as you Mary,  and after a couple of disastrous de facto relationships when I was younger, (with scumbags - because I had grown up around dysfunctional, abusive people I tended to accept obnoxious behaviour as normal and had low self esteem so I would tolerate it, perhaps you might relate to that). I then went ten years single before I started trying to find a decent guy. Then the next ten years were the same as what you describe. During that decade I met more jerks than any woman should, had four poor-quality relationships with takers, and like you I was starting to think it was me and that I was just destined to be single. Last year I finally met Mr Wonderful, a bit late in the day but my point is that there's someone out there for you if you persevere.  Online dating can be an awful experience, degrading and disheartening as you meet a parade of sexists, misogynists, chauvinists, liars, and the occasional psycho. If it's any comfort, there's men out there who are having the same experience as you, meeting scumbags, because scumbaggery is genderless. The problem was that I was still going for the type of guy I would go for when my self esteem was in the gutter, driven by a need to try and redress past relationships. This might be a bit weird, but once I acknowledged my hatred of my father and stopped deluding myself that he wasn't that bad, etc, I stopped being attracted to nasty men. I don't know whether that might help you, but I think if you persevere you'll eventually meet a good guy - there's loads of them out there.   

[Allupinnit]

Can concur - when I met my H he was handsome and sane but not without his baggage from the previous marriage (I was 37).  

I remember also thinking that I was destined to be single because the vast majority of men I met my age had major emotional issues, ED, pot bellies, debt, and living with family/roommates.  I am educated, have a career and am good with money; no divorce and no kids (was engaged before).  No I am not fat (the kiss of death on LS) and I dress well.  

Even though becoming a stepmom is not something I dreamed of as a little girl I have grown to allow it to shape and mature me as a woman.  I've learned lessons in patience and empathy, forgiveness and teamwork.  But this did not come easy for any of us.  To me my H was worth the sacrifices because I had grown to learn that men like him did not stay single.  

[Lotsgoingon]

My parents were amazing at ferreting out liars who came to date my sister. My sister to this day is astonished by how our mother figured out after a few moments out that a man visiting my sister was in fact married. My sister said our mother interrupted the conversation at one point and said, "young man, are you married?" And the "young man" said yes. My mother politely asked him to leave the house.

Do you have any friends who are good at reading people and not attracting liars? If so, you probably can invite that friend to meet your date some point kinda early on. Most likely your friend will notice stuff you're missing. Something you are doing is hitting liars as a signal that you can be lied to. I am not blaming you. I'm really not. Bringing a socially skilled friend along to a date at some point actually sends a message to liars that you have a network and that lying to you will also require the additional work of lying to your friend.

So here are a few tips about noticing liars. These are things I apply to people in general. None of these is fool-proof, but you'll get a sense of how you can root out liars.

First of all, liars are often just too charming and too warm.  Now what's wrong with that? Well there's nothing about the date or about their mood that explains their charm or their warmth!

Liar guy being asked a question. 

"How's your business going?"

Liar guy smiles and nods his head. "It's going well. Yes, very well.." That answer could be a liar's answer.

Compare the liar's answer to this answer.

"How's your business going?"

"Oh my God, we got a new client last month who has us working so hard. We're scrambling. It's great. It's more business and profit for us. But we're barely holding on."

That's A REAL ANSWER.  Can you tell the difference. In life, even good news usually has a challenge to it, or a bit of a downside. Liars smooth over all that stuff.

Which is to say, when someone says "business is going well" that is often a non-answer. Running a business is incredibly stressful. Even super rich and successful people don't just nod and say "business is going well."

Another tip for you. Some lying guys lean heavily on chivalry. They know that a lot of guys don't hold doors and hold chairs and all of that, and they're good at noticing when a woman seems like she hasn't been treated all that well. So lying guys see an opportunity to hold doors, hold chairs, smile, send flowers and all of that. But notice--all of those moves are generic. Being taken to dinner, or out to eat, or sent flowers--none of that means anything! The guy could do the exact same thing for another woman. It's a formula. Sending you a nice message right before you have a job interview maybe--a message you didn't ask for. Now that's far more thoughtful, requires initiative and thinking on the part of the guy. 

Make sure the guy is asking very specific questions about you. What you want is a guy who shows seriously curiosity about you and your life and what your values are and your hobbies. Not cute "that's nice" responses. You are looking for someone who has a strong and powerful response to something good about your life. If after two dates, you cannot identify a specific reason this guy is really into you, then you probably need to back off--because they may not be that into you. 

You may need to pay your way on early dates longer than other people--because you might see a guy paying date as more real than it is. 

You also gotta learn how to distinguish between a date that is polite and friendly and pleasant ... and a date that signals possible strong chemistry. Again, specificity is the deal here.  You're looking for a surprising connection, a hobby that both of you are fired up about, like something you both are obsessed about.  You want to not just laugh but laugh hard at someone between the two of you. 

And start asking questions before things get physical. 

What do you know about dating that you didn't know five years ago? That's a good question.  "How long have you lived in X location?" Here again ... a bad answers. "Five years." A good answer ... "Five years. Came right after I moved to the city ...." The person elaborates and gets specific in their answer. 

You have to not buy excuses that guys give about why they cannot meet you when you want. Guy takes a long time to return the call, no don't assume he's telling you the truth about a job. Again, when people are telling the truth, they tend to be (some liars know this--so not always) very specific.  So anytime someone is not available to you immediately, you want to almost write down the reason. And guess what? The next time you see them, you want to listen to make sure the person who said he worked double-time actually felt tired afterwards.

Also, if someone is not available, you need to make sure they (not you!) offer the next time they are available. And when you're tempted to say "I understand" when someone comes up with an excuse for why they can't see you soon, that's when you need to keep your trap shut. No, you do NOT understand, because you don't know the person and you have no idea what's going on in their life or their job. Don't offer that phony reassurance of "I understand." Much better to say, "that's disappointing. I wanted to go out."  A line like that is much more likely to throw fear in the heart of a liar. Because you're saying you have expectations and this person now gets that they will have to hustle to keep you. They may decide you aren't as gullible as they thought. 

Again, liars offer vague excuses and they don't follow through and remember all their excuses later.  So let's say the guy tells you he had to work ot ... then when you see him next you ask about the day after and what went on.  Did you have to report back early the next day? Was that tiring? And here's what you're looking for. You guessed it! You are looking for a VERY SPECIFIC and detailed answer. And a surprise answer is often better. "Oh God, my concentration was terrible the next day. My boss said bringing us in for OT was a waste of money because we half-worked the rest of that week." That's a real answer! 

Good luck. 

 

 

 

 

[marycontrary1]

21 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

My parents were amazing at ferreting out liars who came to date my sister. My sister to this day is astonished by how our mother figured out after a few moments out that a man visiting my sister was in fact married. My sister said our mother interrupted the conversation at one point and said, "young man, are you married?" And the "young man" said yes. My mother politely asked him to leave the house.

Do you have any friends who are good at reading people and not attracting liars? If so, you probably can invite that friend to meet your date some point kinda early on. Most likely your friend will notice stuff you're missing. Something you are doing is hitting liars as a signal that you can be lied to. I am not blaming you. I'm really not. Bringing a socially skilled friend along to a date at some point actually sends a message to liars that you have a network and that lying to you will also require the additional work of lying to your friend.

So here are a few tips about noticing liars. These are things I apply to people in general. None of these is fool-proof, but you'll get a sense of how you can root out liars.

First of all, liars are often just too charming and too warm.  Now what's wrong with that? Well there's nothing about the date or about their mood that explains their charm or their warmth!

Liar guy being asked a question. 

"How's your business going?"

Liar guy smiles and nods his head. "It's going well. Yes, very well.." That answer could be a liar's answer.

Compare the liar's answer to this answer.

"How's your business going?"

"Oh my God, we got a new client last month who has us working so hard. We're scrambling. It's great. It's more business and profit for us. But we're barely holding on."

That's A REAL ANSWER.  Can you tell the difference. In life, even good news usually has a challenge to it, or a bit of a downside. Liars smooth over all that stuff.

Which is to say, when someone says "business is going well" that is often a non-answer. Running a business is incredibly stressful. Even super rich and successful people don't just nod and say "business is going well."

Another tip for you. Some lying guys lean heavily on chivalry. They know that a lot of guys don't hold doors and hold chairs and all of that, and they're good at noticing when a woman seems like she hasn't been treated all that well. So lying guys see an opportunity to hold doors, hold chairs, smile, send flowers and all of that. But notice--all of those moves are generic. Being taken to dinner, or out to eat, or sent flowers--none of that means anything! The guy could do the exact same thing for another woman. It's a formula. Sending you a nice message right before you have a job interview maybe--a message you didn't ask for. Now that's far more thoughtful, requires initiative and thinking on the part of the guy. 

Make sure the guy is asking very specific questions about you. What you want is a guy who shows seriously curiosity about you and your life and what your values are and your hobbies. Not cute "that's nice" responses. You are looking for someone who has a strong and powerful response to something good about your life. If after two dates, you cannot identify a specific reason this guy is really into you, then you probably need to back off--because they may not be that into you. 

You may need to pay your way on early dates longer than other people--because you might see a guy paying date as more real than it is. 

You also gotta learn how to distinguish between a date that is polite and friendly and pleasant ... and a date that signals possible strong chemistry. Again, specificity is the deal here.  You're looking for a surprising connection, a hobby that both of you are fired up about, like something you both are obsessed about.  You want to not just laugh but laugh hard at someone between the two of you. 

And start asking questions before things get physical. 

What do you know about dating that you didn't know five years ago? That's a good question.  "How long have you lived in X location?" Here again ... a bad answers. "Five years." A good answer ... "Five years. Came right after I moved to the city ...." The person elaborates and gets specific in their answer. 

You have to not buy excuses that guys give about why they cannot meet you when you want. Guy takes a long time to return the call, no don't assume he's telling you the truth about a job. Again, when people are telling the truth, they tend to be (some liars know this--so not always) very specific.  So anytime someone is not available to you immediately, you want to almost write down the reason. And guess what? The next time you see them, you want to listen to make sure the person who said he worked double-time actually felt tired afterwards.

Also, if someone is not available, you need to make sure they (not you!) offer the next time they are available. And when you're tempted to say "I understand" when someone comes up with an excuse for why they can't see you soon, that's when you need to keep your trap shut. No, you do NOT understand, because you don't know the person and you have no idea what's going on in their life or their job. Don't offer that phony reassurance of "I understand." Much better to say, "that's disappointing. I wanted to go out."  A line like that is much more likely to throw fear in the heart of a liar. Because you're saying you have expectations and this person now gets that they will have to hustle to keep you. They may decide you aren't as gullible as they thought. 

Again, liars offer vague excuses and they don't follow through and remember all their excuses later.  So let's say the guy tells you he had to work ot ... then when you see him next you ask about the day after and what went on.  Did you have to report back early the next day? Was that tiring? And here's what you're looking for. You guessed it! You are looking for a VERY SPECIFIC and detailed answer. And a surprise answer is often better. "Oh God, my concentration was terrible the next day. My boss said bringing us in for OT was a waste of money because we half-worked the rest of that week." That's a real answer! 

Good luck. 

Thank you very much for your very detailed and thoughtful response. You have a few gems in there, although I already practice a lot of this strategy. For the record, I throw out a lot of suitors do these Shady tactics that you mentioned. But when a guy really , really wants to be with me and knows that he does not measure up, I am telling you they get sneaky as hell. I'm beginning to think that I just need to remain single. Maybe I need to be the player, since I don't have a lack of attention , and it doesn't really matter anyway since most men are such low quality anyway. Anyway, thank you so much.

 

 

 

 

[marycontrary1]

32 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Can concur - when I met my H he was handsome and sane but not without his baggage from the previous marriage (I was 37).  

I remember also thinking that I was destined to be single because the vast majority of men I met my age had major emotional issues, ED, pot bellies, debt, and living with family/roommates.  I am educated, have a career and am good with money; no divorce and no kids (was engaged before).  No I am not fat (the kiss of death on LS) and I dress well.  

Even though becoming a stepmom is not something I dreamed of as a little girl I have grown to allow it to shape and mature me as a woman.  I've learned lessons in patience and empathy, forgiveness and teamwork.  But this did not come easy for any of us.  To me my H was worth the sacrifices because I had grown to learn that men like him did not stay single.  

Oh thank you so much for relating your experience, you understand exactly where I'm coming from. Although I am full of defects, I find that said defects are a lot less horrific then the defects that I meet when dating.

I take very good care of my body and my mind. Do I want a 300-pound alcoholic diabetic with five baby mamas? Do I want a person who has constant money problems from mismanagement? I managed my money well , and I want someone who is just as responsible. There's a lot of self-centered men out there that just haven't grown up. Do I want this kind of guy no matter how good-looking or Rich he might be? No I do not want to be a mommy for a grown ass man.

But I will say this about your situation. Do not overestimate you're worth to this single father. Good single fathers have a hell of a hard time finding a good woman without a lot of baggage. So you are a unicorn as well , don't think that he could just find anybody to fit your place. Peace sister

 

 

[marycontrary1]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I come from the same type of background as you Mary,  and after a couple of disastrous de facto relationships when I was younger, (with scumbags - because I had grown up around dysfunctional, abusive people I tended to accept obnoxious behaviour as normal and had low self esteem so I would tolerate it, perhaps you might relate to that). I then went ten years single before I started trying to find a decent guy. Then the next ten years were the same as what you describe. During that decade I met more jerks than any woman should, had four poor-quality relationships with takers, and like you I was starting to think it was me and that I was just destined to be single. Last year I finally met Mr Wonderful, a bit late in the day but my point is that there's someone out there for you if you persevere.  Online dating can be an awful experience, degrading and disheartening as you meet a parade of sexists, misogynists, chauvinists, liars, and the occasional psycho. If it's any comfort, there's men out there who are having the same experience as you, meeting scumbags, because scumbaggery is genderless. The problem was that I was still going for the type of guy I would go for when my self esteem was in the gutter, driven by a need to try and redress past relationships. This might be a bit weird, but once I acknowledged my hatred of my father and stopped deluding myself that he wasn't that bad, etc, I stopped being attracted to nasty men. I don't know whether that might help you, but I think if you persevere you'll eventually meet a good guy - there's loads of them out there.   

Oh my God! Thank you for telling me that! I really needed to hear that. Have a wonderful afternoon sister!

[kendahke]

sometimes, you've got to stomp a lot of toads to find the prince.

Stick to your guns and never let up. If it means you throw the whole lot of them away, then so be it.  They knew they were full of it when they stepped to you--they just didn't let you know.

Eventually, a man with what you are looking for in a partner will turn up.  You may have to move from the area you're in, but he's out there.

In the meantime, adopt the attitude that your life is good and complete without a half-a$$ed guy hauling his messiness into the middle of it.

[marycontrary1]

6 minutes ago, kendahke said:

sometimes, you've got to stomp a lot of toads to find the prince.

Stick to your guns and never let up. If it means you throw the whole lot of them away, then so be it.  They knew they were full of it when they stepped to you--they just didn't let you know.

Eventually, a man with what you are looking for in a partner will turn up.  You may have to move from the area you're in, but he's out there.

In the meantime, adopt the attitude that your life is good and complete without a half-a$$ed guy hauling his messiness into the middle of it.

Thank you so much, your post really raises my spirits and and I don't feel so much like a walking disaster.

[CalipsoRose]

How old are you? I am 28 and I have run into the same problem of men lying to me and the lying = cheating on me. I am asking your age because it may be different in terms of what the guys your age are actually lying about. I dont think it is a reflection on you especially since you have been doing the work. I think its actually a problem many females are having across the board in our society, but thats just my personal opinion. I think it is systemic and goes deeper than people realize, pychologically, why these men today feel the need to lie so much. 

I am in no way siding with your ex when I say this, but was this lie the only/biggest problem you two have had? Was it an otherwise good relationship until you found out? Because if so, could he divorce his ex officially and that would solve the issue and bring you two back together? Not sure if you even want that, and I dont know why on earth people dont just divorce and get it over with or why he kept that little tid bit of information from you for so long, maybe he didnt want to address it himself either. Still no excuse though.