Men keep lying to me and I don't know why, had another break up

[marycontrary1]

13 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

How old are you? I am 28 and I have run into the same problem of men lying to me and the lying = cheating on me. I am asking your age because it may be different in terms of what the guys your age are actually lying about. I dont think it is a reflection on you especially since you have been doing the work. I think its actually a problem many females are having across the board in our society, but thats just my personal opinion. I think it is systemic and goes deeper than people realize, pychologically, why these men today feel the need to lie so much. 

I am in no way siding with your ex when I say this, but was this lie the only/biggest problem you two have had? Was it an otherwise good relationship until you found out? Because if so, could he divorce his ex officially and that would solve the issue and bring you two back together? Not sure if you even want that, and I dont know why on earth people dont just divorce and get it over with or why he kept that little tid bit of information from you for so long, maybe he didnt want to address it himself either. Still no excuse though. 

Thank you so much for your awesome response. I am 48 and no the lies do not change with age, only the contents of these lies. The guy started out with some less significant lies, and I kind of let it slide although I sure as hell made him aware, but when this came up it was just a complete deal-breaker. He knew that I thought that married men were disgusting in the dating Realm.

He's a great guy in many other respects , but this problem with integrity is a total turn off. Honestly, with all of my faults and defects, I am unicorn material and I believe I could do much better. I'm really feeling better about myself with all of these comments and especially women who have been through the exact same thing. Hugs

 

[Pumaza]

Maybe because of your childhood you feel attracted to those who lie or show certain vibe as your dad.

Maybe without you really realizing it.

Could be also that they had same childhood issuesband see a easy ""target " in you.

Often when you become aware and get therapy,solving the issues of childhood ,you may be able to break of from going for what is known/comfortable.

Try dating someone who is good for you but ""not your type"".

[marycontrary1]

13 hours ago, Pumaza said:

Maybe because of your childhood you feel attracted to those who lie or show certain vibe as your dad.

Maybe without you really realizing it.

Could be also that they had same childhood issuesband see a easy ""target " in you.

Often when you become aware and get therapy,solving the issues of childhood ,you may be able to break of from going for what is known/comfortable.

Try dating someone who is good for you but ""not your type"".

I totally get the daddy issues, and I have been through more recovery through many avenues than I care to even remember. Trust me, I have dated a number of men not my type. And trust me once more, I have ventured far out of my comfort zone. I have dated guys from all walks of life, many nationalities, education levels, and family backgrounds.

Here's what I see is the problem, I have worked very hard on myself, and I consider myself to be a very good catch for the right guy. However, as men often do, they lie to elevate their status.

This particular guy very well loved and respected by his friends and family , well respected by coworkers. Did not smoke and only drank socially, by all objective means with a super responsible guy. But he did not want to lose me during his process of divorce, and so he sabotaged it thinking he could get this all done without me knowing. Yet another guy who tried to elevate his status to meet my standards.

It has been a month since The Break-Up, and we are getting along well, and everything is super respectful and he is very remorseful. He's not a bad guy, but the part of the self responsible for Intimate Relationships is still at a little child's level.

I have done Ayahuasca seven times in the last 3 weeks and have learned a tremendous amount. I am unsure how much I really want to be in a relationship on a deep level.

For instance, after The Break-Up I took off for the Amazon and I've been Consulting with a lot of indigenous leaders for the current project I am doing. I have been living out of my backpack like I have been doing much of the last 7 years, with in quenchable Wanderlust.

This is kind of hard to do when one is in a relationship. Although I function well in a relationship I always have that nagging feeling. I can work online, so it really doesn't matter where I'm at as long as I have internet.

I'm really trying to do a lot of self-reflection.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pumaza]

4 hours ago, marycontrary1 said:

 

I have done Ayahuasca seven times in the last 3 weeks and have learned a tremendous amount. I am unsure how much I really want to be in a relationship on a deep level.

For instance, after The Break-Up I took off for the Amazon and I've been Consulting with a lot of indigenous leaders for the current project I am doing. I have been living out of my backpack like I have been doing much of the last 7 years, with in quenchable Wanderlust.

This is kind of hard to do when one is in a relationship. Although I function well in a relationship I always have that nagging feeling. I can work online, so it really doesn't matter where I'm at as long as I have internet.

I'm really trying to do a lot of self-reflection.

 

 

 

 

what is Ayahuasca?

 

 

 

[marycontrary1]

Ayahuasca is a plant medicine here in South America. It is extremely useful gaining insight into oneself, and four very rapidly alleviating anxiety and depression. I have done Ayahuasca at least 25 times

[regine_phalange]

First of all it's not your fault that these people lie! Sometimes there are signs, that we see afterwards and make the connection. I think if you are an empathetic and tolerant person, if you give the benefit of the doubt a lot, if you are non-confrontational, people will just take advantage of your nature. I think it's not the fact that you attract these people but that it's just easy to be around you. Anyone would like to be around a nice, understanding person. I think the only solution is to make things harder for them and to reject more easily. Sounds kind of mean, but it's the only way I can think of.

Edited November 18, 2020 by regine_phalange