Wife in affair and wants divorce

[nhraracer90]

Hello all, 
Let me start by saying that my wife wants a divorce and at first she made it seem like all my fault. (Talks about how I didn’t appreciate her, I wasn’t there enough (which is a lie), I’m not emotional enough, we don’t agree on politics and religion (which has been that since day 1, 11 years ago) and our views aren’t that much different anyways. Never been a problem before. At first I thought that I was the problem and believed most of this until I found out she has been talking to someone else. I confronted her about it and she said he’s “a good friend”. She met this guy 3 months ago (yes 3 months ago), never met him before at all. When I found out it was more than that by looking at cell phone records (almost 8,000 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks), she couldn’t deny it anymore. She asked me to not tell anyone about him because she doesn’t want ppl to know she’s out running and ruin her “picture perfect” reputation she likes.

I got the “I love you but not in love with you anymore”. “I fell out of love with you”. “He makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I never laughed with you” “I never felt the way with you that I do about him”. Again, she’s only known him a little over 3 months and the texting only started the beginning of September. She also met him at the gym/physical therapy office.

We have been together for 11 years, married for 5. We’ve known each other since elementary school and she was always the one chasing after me all the years. We had a good marriage and 11 years together so she can try to rewrite our history all she wants and make herself believe “she hasn’t been happy for awhile”, “it wouldn’t have come to this anyway even if the other guy wasn’t involved”.Everyone keeps saying that the reasons she’s giving are just excuses and not reasons to leave a marriage and that the real reason she’s leaving is because of another man. (Which I agree) She just keeps saying that everyone is using him as a crutch and that’s not her real reason. By the way I was blindsided with this as well. She never told me how she “feels” about any of this to give me any time to fix it. She also has clinical depression as well and am wondering if that has anything to do with it?

All of her family is on my side and hasn’t been speaking to her since all this started. The only ppl she’s talking to about this is her sister in law (who she’s living with), her new man & her therapist.

When she moved out, she took all of our wedding photos, wedding album & her wedding dress. Why??? Guilt??

Doesn’t this just sound like a stereotypical case of cheating and thinking the grass is greener?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You need a good attorney. There is her feelings/version of the events and there is yours. However, cheating is never your fault.

It's not either/or. Either she was unhappy in the marriage/ or she was cheating and that's why she wants to divorce. It's probably both.

You don't really need a survey of what your friends think. Cheating is wrong. Cheating is never your fault.

However whether she has been unhappy or not is way too subjective to analyze. Lawyer, ASAP before you get blindsided. She's been contemplating divorcing for quite a while now, probably long before Mr. New & Shiny came along. 

[stillafool]

Read the Infidelity forum and you will see the single worse thing you can do at this point is to beg her back  Let her go.  Lay the red carpet for her to walk away.  If she is so sure of her choice to leave an 11 year marriage for a 3 month affair she is not the woman for you anyway.  The woman you fell in love with and married is gone.  I know it hurts (((hugs))) but you will get over it and love again (a better woman).  I agree now is the time to lawyer up and protect your assets.  Tell the     to bring back the wedding album since she never valued the marriage.

[nhraracer90]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. You need a good attorney. There is her feelings/version of the events and there is yours. However, cheating is never your fault.

It's not either/or. Either she was unhappy in the marriage/ or she was cheating and that's why she wants to divorce. It's probably both.

You don't really need a survey of what your friends think. Cheating is wrong. Cheating is never your fault.

However whether she has been unhappy or not is way too subjective to analyze. Lawyer, ASAP before you get blindsided. She's been contemplating divorcing for quite a while now, probably long before Mr. New & Shiny came along. 

I already have a gold lawyer and have started the divorce proceedings. I really don’t think she was “unhappy” for awhile. She wanted to renew our wedding vows back in May on our anniversary and she was telling friends we were going to have a kid back in July....

[Ellener]

Sorry @nhraracer90

2 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

When she moved out, she took all of our wedding photos, wedding album & her wedding dress. Why??? Guilt??

No idea, but when I disposed of ours my ex was annoyed even though he had someone else by then who told him he and I should not even remain friends, and we had a kid together! 

2 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

She asked me to not tell anyone about him because she doesn’t want ppl to know she’s out running and ruin her “picture perfect” reputation she likes.

Wow. Sounds like you're way better off without her.

[schlumpy]

Type into your browser "cheating 180." You are going to need it.

You don't mention children and you don't say whether you are willing to take her back after her fun is over.

Does the BF have a wife?

Doesn't want you to tell anyone? I'd laugh while I told everyone I could. She has no status to make a request like that.

Time to go dark and lose the wedding ring. Wearing it will make her think you are still awaiting her return.

She took the wedding pictures and her dress to keep you from destroying them. She probably read a story online about it.

If it's divorce then strike first. Have her served as soon as possible.

If it's reconciliation then don't contact or talk with her unless it's about the divorce or fixing the marriage. No chit chat. No pretending like you are still a couple.

Don't snoop on her social media and make sure friends do not pass on messages.

You can't take her back unless there a real effort on her part to fix what she broke and true remorse. Anything else and you will risk a repeat sometime when you least expect it.

MC will not work when her head is wrapped around her new BF. It's a waste of your time and money.

Your path is to move forward and show her that you can live your life without her and it will just fine.

This is not an easy task and I do wish you much luck and stamina for the days ahead.

[nhraracer90]

4 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Type into your browser "cheating 180." You are going to need it.

You don't mention children and you don't say whether you are willing to take her back after her fun is over.

Does the BF have a wife?

Doesn't want you to tell anyone? I'd laugh while I told everyone I could. She has no status to make a request like that.

Time to go dark and lose the wedding ring. Wearing it will make her think you are still awaiting her return.

She took the wedding pictures and her dress to keep you from destroying them. She probably read a story online about it.

If it's divorce then strike first. Have her served as soon as possible.

If it's reconciliation then don't contact or talk with her unless it's about the divorce or fixing the marriage. No chit chat. No pretending like you are still a couple.

Don't snoop on her social media and make sure friends do not pass on messages.

You can't take her back unless there a real effort on her part to fix what she broke and true remorse. Anything else and you will risk a repeat sometime when you least expect it.

MC will not work when her head is wrapped around her new BF. It's a waste of your time and money.

Your path is to move forward and show her that you can live your life without her and it will just fine.

This is not an easy task and I do wish you much luck and stamina for the days ahead.

No we don’t have an kids. As far as taking her back, right now that is a hard NO. Down the road “possibly” but only after she hurts and I would need to believe myself that she actually feels for what she did. Even then, still not a definite yes. 

No I don’t think he does. As far as I know he’s 32 and still lives at home with his parents and brother.....

I don’t have the wedding ring, she asked if I wanted them first and I told her No, so she took them. 
 

I’ve already sent the divorce ppw to her lawyer and got that rolling. 
 

We don’t talk unless it’s about the divorce. We stopped the chit chat awhile ago. 
 

She has blocked me on social media anyways so I can’t see it anymore anyways. 
 

Yeah I suggested the MC when this first started and she was on the fence about it and then said no because “she had already tried so hard”

 

She’s still in denial about her affair being the reason she’s leaving. All her family is on my side in this and she’s mad at them for that.... 

[schlumpy]

You are doing a really good job handling this. Way ahead of most people that write this forum.

I think that no matter which way things go you are going to be OK.

[nhraracer90]

24 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You are doing a really good job handling this. Way ahead of most people that write this forum.

I think that no matter which way things go you are going to be OK.

Thank you 

[carhill]

3 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

Doesn’t this just sound like a stereotypical case of cheating and thinking the grass is greener?

IMO, probably both, not uncommon with folks who hook up young. I recall my first MW, the one who taught the most lessons in reality, got married at 18 and already had a couple of affairs under her belt, and a daughter, when we met when she was 22. In her case, she stayed married for 20 years and now lives apparently quite happily with her exit affair partner some 20 years after their D.

Pretty normal, you folks sound young-ish and with no kids I'd call it good lessons, minimal rancor and move on. In general, women can destroy men in the court of public opinion so even if you had 800,000 text messages it wouldn't really matter except more stress on you and more lawyer fees. Plenty of dragons left to slay in life.

[nhraracer90]

2 hours ago, carhill said:

IMO, probably both, not uncommon with folks who hook up young. I recall my first MW, the one who taught the most lessons in reality, got married at 18 and already had a couple of affairs under her belt, and a daughter, when we met when she was 22. In her case, she stayed married for 20 years and now lives apparently quite happily with her exit affair partner some 20 years after their D.

Pretty normal, you folks sound young-ish and with no kids I'd call it good lessons, minimal rancor and move on. In general, women can destroy men in the court of public opinion so even if you had 800,000 text messages it wouldn't really matter except more stress on you and more lawyer fees. Plenty of dragons left to slay in life.

Yeah we did get together young. Just crazy how it all came to this so fast here recently. 

[Zona]

Move the divorce process along as quickly as possible. She is living in fantasyland so she will probably agree to better terms to get out of the marriage and be with her AP. You can also use disclosure of the affair as a bargaining chip as you finalize the divorce terms.

Once the ink is dry on the final divorce decree, feel free to expose her behavior to anyone you want to. 

The rewriting of the marital history is B.S. as you have already figured out.

Sorry about what you are going through. Never blame yourself for the choices she made.

[nhraracer90]

24 minutes ago, Zona said:

Move the divorce process along as quickly as possible. She is living in fantasyland so she will probably agree to better terms to get out of the marriage and be with her AP. You can also use disclosure of the affair as a bargaining chip as you finalize the divorce terms.

Once the ink is dry on the final divorce decree, feel free to expose her behavior to anyone you want to. 

The rewriting of the marital history is B.S. as you have already figured out.

Sorry about what you are going through. Never blame yourself for the choices she made.

What do you mean by disclosure of the affair as a bargaining chip? 

[Zona]

1 minute ago, nhraracer90 said:

What do you mean by disclosure of the affair as a bargaining chip? 

Check with your lawyer, but agree (verbal only) to not disclose if she cooperates with reasonable and quick divorce terms.

She is now your adversary, so don't feel bad about taking care of your needs in whatever way you need to as the divorce progresses.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

What do you mean by disclosure of the affair as a bargaining chip? 

It's nonsense. Divorce doesn't need grounds, so the affair is irrelevant to that. If what was implied is blackmail, well that backfires also.

Listen to your attorney.

[Fletch Lives]

No, it sounds like a stereotypical, "she fell out of love" scenario. She's right, she fell out of love with you. You could try couple's therapy, if she'll go. But it sounds like it's too late for that. You would have to go through couple's therapy and find out what was missing and try to bring her love level for you back up. But it could be past the point of no return. You might have to cut your losses, move on with your life, and find a new woman. Sorry about all this.

Most guys never see divorce coming. They don't see the signs.

[nhraracer90]

43 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

No, it sounds like a stereotypical, "she fell out of love" scenario. She's right, she fell out of love with you. You could try couple's therapy, if she'll go. But it sounds like it's too late for that. You would have to go through couple's therapy and find out what was missing and try to bring her love level for you back up. But it could be past the point of no return. You might have to cut your losses, move on with your life, and find a new woman. Sorry about all this.

Most guys never see divorce coming. They don't see the signs.

Think so? At first she was on the fence with couples therapy burg then said no. She sees her own therapist regularly. 3 months ago she was telling friends about us going to have a kid together. For our anniversary (May) she wanted to renew our wedding vows. There were no serious signs that would have led to something like this. She found someone that’s giving her attention right now and he’s “perfect”. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, nhraracer90 said:

Think so? At first she was on the fence with couples therapy burg then said no. She sees her own therapist regularly. 3 months ago she was telling friends about us going to have a kid together. For our anniversary (May) she wanted to renew our wedding vows. There were no serious signs that would have led to something like this. She found someone that’s giving her attention right now and he’s “perfect”. 

Agree, often there are no "signs" and marriage therapy is not a cure all.

However it's possible she has been unhappy for a while and tried to convince herself, you and others that things were fine .

[Fletch Lives]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

However it's possible she has been unhappy for a while and tried to convince herself, you and others that things were fine .

- That's one possibility.

Or, her love level was dropping for awhile and it finally hit rock-bottom and that's when she said, "I'm out". 

There were probably subtle signs her love level was dropping many months ago...... little things that did not match what she said. Any inconsistency is a sign of love waning. Don't feel bad, most guys don't see the signs and are blindsided.

[notbroken]

You can't 'make her' love you.   She thinks she doesn't.  That's all that matters.  Don't stay with someone that doesn't love you.   Divorce her absolutely as quickly as you can.  Someone was right - you'll get better terms before the anger and blame settles in (on both sides - but she is going to blame you for everything so she doesn't have to face what she's done).  You will become the bad guy to her because otherwise she'd have to admit she is a liar and cheater (sorry - but that's the truth).    Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't want to be with you. 

Avoid alcohol and drugs.  Exercise.  A lot.  Find productive outlets.   Recognize where you were at fault - but don't dwell on it and try to fix those in yourself in the future.  Making the same mistakes over and over won't help you.   Forgive yourself quickly.  Be good to yourself. If you are not then who will be?   Try to do something nice for yourself at least once a day.   Seriously.   Smile.  Yes - smile.   It'll help.   Don't chase other women too soon.  It won't help you - or them.   

Recognize you are actually a danger to yourself right now.  You aren't thinking clearly.   You are WAY more prone to an accident.  Be very aware of that.  Stay in the moment.  Don't second guess everything you do but don't be doing things with long term consequences like buying a Ferrari or new house just yet.  Seriously, consider you may not be at your best for a little while on decision making. 

Be cordial (but distant) to the soon to be ex.  Don't let her walk all over you but just disengage.   Don't speak to her unless absolutely necessary - and most of the time it is NOT.  Divorce her fairly and quickly.  Don't play games and try to get to 51% settlement - not worth it.  Give her what is hers.  Don't argue over trivial stuff.  If it is not trivial to you and is not 'right' then stick to it - ie. you want 50% - period.  

If you have kids, be good to them.  Explain to them it is not about them.  Don't criticize their mother to them.  No good will come of that.   Do tell them that you love them.  If your wife bashes you to them tell them that you are a good guy, Mom is mad at me, and everything she says may not be the truth because of her anger, and then treat them as well as you can.  

Do NOT beg or plead to your wife.   NOTHING good can come from it.   When she says she wants a divorce just agree and say 'yes - it doesn't make sense to stay married under the current circumstances'.   

One day you will wake up and realize you are better and life has moved on.   Best wishes. 

 

[nhraracer90]

40 minutes ago, notbroken said:

You can't 'make her' love you.   She thinks she doesn't.  That's all that matters.  Don't stay with someone that doesn't love you.   Divorce her absolutely as quickly as you can.  Someone was right - you'll get better terms before the anger and blame settles in (on both sides - but she is going to blame you for everything so she doesn't have to face what she's done).  You will become the bad guy to her because otherwise she'd have to admit she is a liar and cheater (sorry - but that's the truth).    Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't want to be with you. 

Avoid alcohol and drugs.  Exercise.  A lot.  Find productive outlets.   Recognize where you were at fault - but don't dwell on it and try to fix those in yourself in the future.  Making the same mistakes over and over won't help you.   Forgive yourself quickly.  Be good to yourself. If you are not then who will be?   Try to do something nice for yourself at least once a day.   Seriously.   Smile.  Yes - smile.   It'll help.   Don't chase other women too soon.  It won't help you - or them.   

Recognize you are actually a danger to yourself right now.  You aren't thinking clearly.   You are WAY more prone to an accident.  Be very aware of that.  Stay in the moment.  Don't second guess everything you do but don't be doing things with long term consequences like buying a Ferrari or new house just yet.  Seriously, consider you may not be at your best for a little while on decision making. 

Be cordial (but distant) to the soon to be ex.  Don't let her walk all over you but just disengage.   Don't speak to her unless absolutely necessary - and most of the time it is NOT.  Divorce her fairly and quickly.  Don't play games and try to get to 51% settlement - not worth it.  Give her what is hers.  Don't argue over trivial stuff.  If it is not trivial to you and is not 'right' then stick to it - ie. you want 50% - period.  

If you have kids, be good to them.  Explain to them it is not about them.  Don't criticize their mother to them.  No good will come of that.   Do tell them that you love them.  If your wife bashes you to them tell them that you are a good guy, Mom is mad at me, and everything she says may not be the truth because of her anger, and then treat them as well as you can.  

Do NOT beg or plead to your wife.   NOTHING good can come from it.   When she says she wants a divorce just agree and say 'yes - it doesn't make sense to stay married under the current circumstances'.   

One day you will wake up and realize you are better and life has moved on.   Best wishes. 

 

Yeah she is already at the point of blaming me for mostly everything now. I’m the “bad guy”. She’s probably going to try and fight for some stuff now other than what we initially agreed on. I am way past the point of doing any pleading. She’s just gonna have to learn the grass isn’t greener. Especially with someone who still lives at home at 32....

We don’t talk unless it’s about the divorce anymore. We don’t have any kids. 

[Zona]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's nonsense. Divorce doesn't need grounds, so the affair is irrelevant to that. If what was implied is blackmail, well that backfires also.

Listen to your attorney.

I'm just curious, have you ever been the victim of cheating, or been involved in a divorce?

[Zona]

10 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

We don’t talk unless it’s about the divorce anymore. We don’t have any kids. 

Extremely fortunate you don't have any kids! Doesn't necessarily ease the heartache for you, but at least there aren't kids involved in this mess who would be ruined by your wife's behavior.

As you are finding out, divorce often turns into all out warfare. Not always, but usually.

Just take things one day at a time. You will start to feel much better over time.

Edited October 26, 2020 by Zona

[nhraracer90]

1 hour ago, Zona said:

Extremely fortunate you don't have any kids! Doesn't necessarily ease the heartache for you, but at least there aren't kids involved in this mess who would be ruined by your wife's behavior.

As you are finding out, divorce often turns into all out warfare. Not always, but usually.

Just take things one day at a time. You will start to feel much better over time.

Thank you 

[Harry Korsnes]

Your doing great just ceep up the nc.

Best of luck.